I can't help but think I've screwed up again... I've lost Travis, and I'm afraid this time it's for good. I still don't really think that I did anything wrong this time. It just started out that I needed away from my house for a while, so I was staying with family... And I didn't talk to him a whole lot during that week. The problem was that I didn't really MISS talking to him. Then when he wanted me to do things with him, if I had other plans I wouldn't cancel them like I normally did for him. I would just tell him I had other plans. And then it got to the point where he thought I was mad at him, and I wasn't, I just didn't really miss being around him a whole lot.. and that kind of scared me because I thought I loved him so much, but if I didn't miss him, I figured I didn't really love him and I had been wasting my time on something that was never going to happen.

Then I asked him if he was mad at me because I hadn't been doing anything with him. And he said no. So then in my weird way of thinking, I figured he didn't love me either because he didn't get mad that I didn't want to do anything with him anymore. I know he still loves me. He's just never been mad at me for anything... ever. Until now. He hasn't tried to talk to me all week. Instead of telling me everything he thinks about me and bringing up all of the wrong things I've ever done to him like a lot of people do, he just gives me the silent treatment. It sucks so bad because I am left to only assume how he feels about me and the whole situation. He won't even tell me it's over, so I guess technically he's still my boyfriend, even though I haven't talked to him in over a week. It is over though, I know we both know that. But I told him the last time that I talked to him that whatever happened between us would be his decision this time, and he wouldn't make a decision. The closest he got to telling me anything about how he felt was saying that he was sorry that every time we did anything, I had to drive. I'm guessing he read the last journal entry on here to get the idea that that was why I hadn't been talking to him. It's not though Travis, for when you read this one.

Like I said before, it really started out as me just needing some time away from home and my life... and then I got scared that I didn't miss him and sort of pulled away even more... So I'm guessing that's how I feel this whole thing is my fault. No matter what happens or how good I've been, when something goes wrong in any of my relationships with anyone, I always feel it's my fault. I guess there's really nothing I can do now. He won't respond to my emails, so I guess I have to let it go...

Here's to Travis:
I'm sorry that I screwed things up again. I told you before that I always have and always will. I guess I'm just not good at dealing with the opposite sex. You really made me want to learn to be good at it, though. I so bad wanted to straighten up my act and be the best girlfriend I could be because you deserve the best so much. I'm sorry I couldn't be that for you. I wish you the best of luck in finding the best whenever you're ready to move on and forget about me. I would like to add that I didn't cheat on you this time, so you don't need to worry about that. I didn't pull myself away from you because there was someone else.. and never thought about it. I'm going to miss you more than you could ever know. But even more than having you as a boyfriend, I'm going to miss having you as a friend. You're the best friend I've ever had, and could ever hope to find. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, and if we see each other out somewhere that you will be able to come up and say hello without it hurting you or bringing back bad feelings of any kind. Please try to forget the bad without forgetting the good times that we did have together, and know that whenever I remember you, I will always smile and remember how you always gave me cold chills when you looked into my eyes and smiled just a little bit right before you kissed me. That feeling is one that I hope I don't ever forget. I will be looking and waiting for you to become a big star, and no matter what I have to do to be there, I will be at your first big concert. I can't believe I'm telling you goodbye for good. I honestly never thought this day would happen. Even when we broke up and tried just being friends, I still figured I'd end up marrying you... Or at least have "My Best Friend's Wedding" nightmare of mine come true. But it's too hard for us to be just friends, and I've obviously failed at being your girlfriend one too many times.

So I guess this is where I tell you goodbye and wipe away the last tears that I have to cry. It hurts so freakin much to see us ending like this.. ending at all would suck.. but like this just isn't right. You were my first love and I will tell everyone of my children about you. Don't worry about me saying bad things, because I don't believe there are any. You are a very special person and you deserve the best life has to offer you. Just please try and do me one favor if you can find it in your heart. Try to remember the (few I know) good influences that I had on you, and above all else PLEASE don't end up back on drugs. Actually, don't even think of it as a favor to me, it is really a favor to yourself. Well I wish you the best.

I love you, goodbye,
Britt