Hello again...
I'm here by myself tonight, with just Heidi of course, and she's asleep on my bed, so it's really quiet and there's plenty of time for me to rack my brain and dig out those really deep thoughts. And since I'm sure they will be worth money one day, I decided to just put them on here to save you future troubles...

Well I have been thinkin that I really do still love Travis. Not really a surprise I suppose. I think a part of me will love him forever, it's just still a big part at this point. But despite my attempts at talking to him about God and getting saved and everything, he still won't believe it. So that really bothers me anyway. PLUS, I know that this means we can't get back together now. Which also bugs me because he's the only one in this country right now that I feel like is really worth my time. We're still really good friends, but I'm pretty sure I can feel him pulling himself away from me a little here lately. I wish I knew what to do to change that. He really means a lot to me, and he knows that... I guess I just don't understand him at this point. I'm not so sure he understands me real well anymore either. That's a new feeling to me... he's actually the first person that I've ever thought really did completely understand me. I mean, when we first met, which was only about a year and a half ago, we were almost identical in most aspects of life. And now... our differences our separating in us, in a way, forever. What have I learned from this? Nothing. Sure everything happens for a reason, well God has a reason for everything, but I'm still not seein it here.

The other person I've been thinkin about is Brandon. My angel in disguise. He is so sweet and I miss him more that I could have ever comprehended. Sure, he was here almost a year, but him and I didn't really start getting close until about the last two months.. maybe the last month. But it was instant. It was like after the very first conversation we had, I could tell him anything and trust him completely. That's never happened before. He taught me a lot in our short time together. I cried every day the first two weeks he was gone. I didn't think I would ever make it through the two years until he's supposed to come back to the U.S. But the other day, my aunt got an e-mail from his mom saying that something happened with his dad's job, and he might have to come live with my aunt again this year. The idea of that thrills me, but I'm still not letting my hopes get up... not yet. When he left, he was supposed to be gone for two years, and suddenly it's cut down to like 3 months... Of course if he doesn't end up coming back, I'm going to have to get another job and save up money to fly him back for a couple weeks. (I'm not allowed in Saudi) Well, the next time I do get to see him, I'm not wasting my oppurtunity. There are sooo many things I want to tell him, and I was too scared before. Now I know what it feels like to lose him and I don't want it happening again.

Well that's about it for tonight... I think I'm gonna go join my adorable little Schnauzer in bed.