What is it that makes a person get up and try again and again when every time they just get knocked down further than before? I think I'm about to quit trying. There's just so much going on in my life right now and it's so hard sometimes to even get up in the mornings, knowing what I'm going to have to deal with. Even when I look at the positive side of everything, it doesn't always help anymore. You think I don't really know deep down that the bad outweighs the good?
Like my Celiac Disease, I have learned a lot about life and taking things for granted now, but this is for the rest of my life that I will not be able to eat hardly anything I want. I have actually been cheating on my diet a lot lately, making me really sick, and depressed, which is actually probably the whole reason I am struggling with everything right now. I don't know what it is, but there actually is something in your brain that causes you to be depressed if you have Celiac Disease and don't follow your diet. So maybe that is why life seems to suck so bad right now... But I think that I have went through way more than my share of crap here lately.
Another thing is my friends... What friends?? Sometimes I say that I don't really want friends anyway, but I do. I so bad want even one person that I can do everything with, who I can call at any time of the day or night, and who knows everything about me... Well Travis is my best, and really only friend, but since we have just recently broken up, it's still kinda weird. Like, I'm afraid to talk to him about certain things because the very last thing on this earth that I want to do is hurt him, and I'm not so sure if some of the things I would like to ask him or talk to him about, might do that... I thought Ryan and I were becoming friends again, but he kind of abused his privelege, plus my dad still won't let me around him from things that went on a long time ago... Then Ashley.. HA.. my so-called best friend for like 8 years decided that I was going to take her mother for court for only God knows what, so she was mad at me for a while. Then she said she wasn't mad at me anymore because nothing actually came about from it. So I am just supposed to forget all about the fact that she thought that about me? I think not. I can not even believe that she would think that of me. Her and her family were always like family to me... But not now. I just can't be really good friends with someone who does not trust me.
And with Travis... you can't even understand how incredibly much I love him. I love every single thing about him. But I just had to break up with him... It's like one of those things that you know you have to do, even though you don't understand why, and you don't want to at all.. but you fight with yourself over it for a really long time, then you finally give in and hate yourself for it. Well that's where I'm at right now. I was thinking about why I fell in love with him, and there's so many reasons. I couldn't even pick just one that was any more than the others. He is the only person who has ever made me feel happy, and who has ever made me feel loved unconditionally. There have been many people throughout my life who loved me if I did something good, or something they thought I should do.. But it's different with Travis. He loves me.. or loved me.. for me. just me. I don't know if I'll ever find another person like him as long as I live. I mean, even after I broke up with him which was only five days ago.. he still told me that he wants to be best friends, and we are, we have been talking the whole time after that. That is so awesome. I just can't think of anyone else who would do that... And I screwed it up. I keep thinking that something good is going to come out of it, though, because I still believe that I was supposed to do it... I just wish it would hurry up and get here so I wouldn't hate myself so much.
