DEEP THOUGHTS
As you all know I am a huge fan of Jack Handey's humor. Here are some really crappy shameless rip-offs of my own. Sorry, Mr. Handey. But still some of them are kind of funny. Sort of. All were written from when I was 14 to present. Assume the suckier ones were written when I was younger, please. Eeesh.
My Deep Thoughts
- Sometimes I close my eyes and I think hard. But then I open my eyes really quick, because I might smack my skull into a tree or something with my eyes closed.
- If I had everything in the world, you'd all die because I wouldn't give you any food. It's all mine now.
- I belive, if I had a transparent jet like Wonder Woman, I'd fly real low to the ground and freak everybody out.
- If you live under a bunch of powerlines, I bet a good joke would be to wear a fake arm and say the radiation mutated you. Then solicitors would stay away.
- I think if the United States starts a war I think it should be against Canada.
- I bet if you told a blind man he wasn't wearing any clothes he'd believe you. Then you could laugh and walk away. People are funny.
- Our whole town used to laugh at the cat lady. She had 84 cats. 84 is a funny number.
- Life is like a box of chocolates...except for the fact that it tastes more like SHIT and it doesn't come in a pretty box.
- Wouldn't you think it a funny idea would be to dress up like a cat and run on to the highway to see if anyone will stop. Trust me, it's not.
- Wheter or not they're alive, I think computers should be considered out mortal enemies.
- If you're ever lost in the middle of the desert, all by your lonesome self, with no water, and you're REALLY dehydrated, and not even a prayer, and you find a water fountain...I think you should drink from it right away.
- If a magical speaking cockroach ever talked to me, I'd probably answer, unless he was a real asshole or something.
- If I was Speedracer, I don't think I'd let Sprindle and Chim Chim ride in the Mach 5's trunk. Maybe one day I'd lock them in there just to teach them a lesson. Hopefully, when they find the corpses, not too much controversy will surface.
- One day as I was walking along the beach I thought "Whoa, this is ONE sandy beach!" And then I walked on, knowing we are all a little bit dumber for having read that.
- I wonder if fish ever think "What the hell?!" Because I do. A lot.
- People that label things are stupid. Labels are for stupid people. If you don't know what a breadmaker is when you see it, then perhaps you shouldn't be operating such a complicated piece of machinery. I am just jealous because I do not own a label maker.
- Curly hair is God's punishment.
- Of all the wondrous gifts placed upon the human race from our Lord, Jesus Christ, I think Twizzler's Pull n' Peel Candy should be among them.
- Just because you look both ways before you cross the street doesn't mean you'll get hit by a car.
- I couldn't help it. I was drunk with frustration and despair.
