This is for all you impressionable youths out there...GRAB YOUR ANKLES FOR
Another edition of the "Denton Turdswamp Gazette'"!  Some of you may have
recieved an advanced edition of this newsletter, but I felt very strongly that
I could do a much better job.  As you may or may not know, a lot has gone on
in the last month and a half.  Nuclear Enterprises has it's VERY OWN WEBSITE
NOW!  Thanks to the help of the infinite One, and that address is: 
http://angelfire.lycos.com/scifi/nuclearenterprises.index.html
Also, a big chunk of Antartica broke loose from the Ross Shelf, about 4,200
square miles of it, and it's floating into the ocean, and possibly shipping
lanes.  You might wonder why that would concern me.  I't because that's where
my FIRST BASE OF OPERATION WAS ON THIS PLANET!!!!  So, if anyone happens to be
out around Australia, and you see a VERY big chunck of ice (183 miles long, 23
miles wide, about TWICE the size of Deleware), please let me know.  But my
mind wanders.  To bring myself into good spirits, I figured that I shouldn't
be such a "Downer".  So to get myself in the right mood to celebrate this VERY
special Turdswamp, I decided that there was no other course but to get
Bliz-assed fucked-up!  So I poured a big glass of Bastalla and got me a snoot
full of vintage Testers airplane glue, and sat down to a National Geographic
special on frog pornography.  Okay, that's not what they call it, but there is
a section where they have frogs goin' at it.  That doesn't turn me on
sexually, but when your fried out of your brain, watching two green things
humping like crazy, is funnier than flaming shit!  I dare ANYONE to keep a
straight face while they're watching frogs fuck!  Oh well, enough of this
plesant bannter. I think everyone has a good idea now about my position with
reality, so...on to the news!!!

                          IN THE NEWS

UPI - The Govenor of Utah has signed into effect a bill to create the position
of "Porno Czar" for the state of Utah.  Some aspects of the job description
are not clear, but the most prominent task will be to review newspapers,
magazines, movies and videos for material deemed "Obscene by Utah State laws".
The Govenor has subsequently been flooded with job applications.

AP - a 36-year-old father was arreted in Norwalm, Conn, in January and charged
with allowing his 2-year-old son to puff away on a cigarette in a resturant
(According to eyewitness, the kida handled the cigarette like it wasn't his
first one.)  In a related story in Euless, Texas, a 33-year-old mother was
arrested and charged with permitting her four children to drink alcohol at
home, including a 16-month old boy with a .126 blood-alcohol content reading. 
(According to authorities, the woman said, "he whants what his momma wants. 
What am I supposed to do about it?")

UPI - When Peter "Commander Pedro" Langan made news in 1997, he had not outed
himself as a transexual-in-progress, probably because he had just been
convicted of assault and firearms charges as the leader of a white supremacist
gang in Ohio and feared that his neo-Nazi buddies might do to him if they
found outthat he suffered fron "Gender confusion". In November 1999, a
Columbus Dispatch story on Ohio inmates revealed that Commander Pedro is now
out of the closet, having requested the surgery and requested that the guards
treat him as a woman.

And finally: NEWS SPURTS:

A kindergarten teacher in Oakland, CA was suspended after forcing a defiant
blackboard-doodling pupil to lick off her grafitti.

In Falmouth, Mass., the man in charge of sexual harrasment regulations for the
last nine years was fired for sexual harresment.

An Olathe, Kan. man charged with manslaughter by DUI and released on bail on
the condition that he not drive, arrived late to his first court hearing,
absentmindedly explained to the judge that he had trouble finding a parking
space.


                            NEWS FROM ABROAD

Brought to you from our foreign correspondent Bismark, as he circles the globe
in his stealth zepplin, VALKYRIE.

LONDON TIMES - Coventry, England.  4-year-old Russel Brown was awakened by
burglers in the middle of the night in his parents home.  Thinking they were
friends of his parents, he showed them where his mother hid her purse, and
where his father stored his tool chest.  The burglers also made off with a TV,
video, and stereo equipmentwhile Russel held the door for them.

UPI - In september, as war raged in adjacent former Yugoslavia, three mediums
lured over 1,500 people to an airfield near Sofia, Bulgaria, to welcome eight
spaceships.  The mediums claimed the alien visitors had promised to pay
offit's national debt ($13 billion).  When the ships did not appear one half
hour after the appointed landing time, the mediums claimed that the spaceships
had been frightened off by war planes.

LONDON INDEPENDENT WEEKLY - The Hush-A-Bye-Baby club in Southern England
offers members the chance to dress up and act like female babies, with such
nick-names as "Baby Michelle", "Baby Cathy", etc.  "Mummy Clare" runs the
club, which charges members about $110.00 a night, and non-members about
$140.00.  This includes baby food, bottle milk, diapers, and for about $7.00
extra they can get a spanking.


                        SLANDERWOOD
                       By: Lazlo Skank

Hidey-Hidey-Hidey-Hole!  Lazlo's here with the 14 carat dirt from the Holly! 
Wood, that is!  Empty swimming pools, wanna-be movie stars!  The only thing I
can say about the Oscars...BILLY CRYSTAL MUST BE REPLACED!...Top 'O the balls
to TOM GREEN, who has been diagnosed with testicular cancer.  Why isn't he
laughing?..Is it just me, or does it seem like shock comedians have a tendency
towards tragedy?  Sam Kineson, Andy Kaufam, Lenny Bruce (Alright, Andrew Dice
Clay isn't dead, but his career is).  When they're alive, people think they're
creeps, when they die, they're geniuses.  Go figure...DAVY JONES of Monkees
fame is opening his own 'Rock n' Roll' museum in a barn-like abandoned church
in his home town in England, realizing that that the 'Monkees' are never going
to make it into the "Real" rock 'N Roll hall of fame.  It will feature, of
course, the Monkees, and such other greats as K.C. and the Sunshine band. 
Maybe Funkadelic will have their own spot.  Davy wants to get back into show
buisness, like in Las Vegas where DAVID CASSIDY is doing regular shows.  In
Davey's opinion, he could do much better.  "David Cassidy couldn't organize a
piss-off in a brewery.", quips Davy...That necro nutty COURTNEY LOVE is still
looking for love in all the wrong graveyards.  It seems she's going nostalgic
and trying to dig up a date with BUDDY HOLLY.  "He looks so much like LYLE
LOVITTS", she sighs...Correction update!  The Material Girl, MADONNA, IS
pregnant!  Lazlo got a false start from the M. Girl's mouthpiece, that she
wasn't.  Sorry fans!...Now something to REALLY scare you.  There's going to be
a sequel to The Blair Witch Project!!!  AAAAHHHHH!!!!!....Finally, Roadway
Trucking paid the $50,000 reward money to WILLIE FULLER, AND he got a prime
seat at the Academy Awards show which he so richley deserved after finding the
Statuettes in a dumpster!  There were three Oscars missing, however, and guess
where one of them showed up?  At a lawyer's office, who just HAPPENS to be
representing one of the workers of Roadway Trucking charged with the theft who
lost his job.  The lawyer won't say how he came by getting the statue, but he
claims he will be using it as 'evidence' in his client's case against the
police.  Can you say, "Whore in a three-piece suit"?  sure!  I knew you
could!....Well, that's all the excitement this little heart can stand for one
issue, so Toodles!


                             NUDE WEATHER
                           By:  Purple Blossum

Hello everybody!  It's a beautiful day in the weatherhood!  Gosh!  The weather
has just been a trip this last week as we enter the wonderful world of SPRING!
 There were some bummers, though. Some flooding and tornados hit in the South.
 Ya know, maybe it's because of all those trailer parks down there.  Trailers
are okay, I guess, but those trailer parks seem to have a lot of bad Karma.  I
mean, lots of wierd people who don't seem to like to bathe with three-legged
dogs, and all thier cars and trucks look like they're painted up to look like
jigsaw puzzles!  And I SWEAR, there are always beer bottles EVERYWHERE!  Maybe
Mother Nature is trying to tell these people something....Oh yea.  The
weather.  Uhh, like I said, Spring is groovin' over most of the country, as
you can see by these really pretty red lines that have the colored triangles
pointing at them!  And on the East side, you can see theses pretty little suns
shining down on Mother Earth like little happy faces, except without the dot
eyes and smile.  Overall, it looks pretty cool for this week, except in places
where storms may pop up..  But HEY!  Groove on it!  Make it a poitive
experiance!  Well, I gotta go now...Peace!  (Editor's note: No more "Religious
treks" to Mexico with 'Reverand Yahoo Jumpit' for Blossum!  Especially if the
word 'Peyote' comes up in the travel plans!)


Quick note:  Are you covered with unwanted body hair?  Just curious.


                            HORRORSCOPE
                            By: Ziggy Z.

ARIES (April 21 - March 20):  You share a star sign with Charlie Chaplin, who,
like yourself, was also a pedophile, dating and marrying under-aged females. 
Unfortunately for you, you are not a big screen star with a lot of money for
lawyers to handle court cases, so, as they say, you are in "Deep do-do" with
that boy scout scandle.  But the stars show there may be a shining light at
the end of the tunnel for you, as the doctor's reports show you have terminal
cancer, and probably won't survive to see any court hearings.


                          FUN WITH SPORTS
                         By: B.O. Blueballs
Sammy Sosa, baseball player for the Chicago Cubs, has come under fire about a
charity foundation he set up.  The foundation he set up was for the
underprivelidged, to inoculate children, provide education for new mothers,
and also provide dental care.  However, Government sourses say that after the
aquisition of a building appraised at 2.7 million dollars, it has been used by
his sisters to run a boutique, a disco, and a beauty salon, for which they
have paid no rent.  Also, money from the 'foundation' is said to have paid for
a sports car for Sammy's brother.  Way ta go slugger!


                   FOR ALL YOU CONSPIRACY PEOPLE
                    (And we know who you are.)

Mr. Potatoehead has been named as an ambassador of Rhode Island.  It is, of
course, just a 'coincidence' that Hasbro toy company has their headquarters
there.  I've seen this coming.  DEVO has warned us about it...the SPUD
INVASION!  They have thier own 'ambassador' now!  What's next?  Thier own
generals?  Their own DICTATORS!  These spuds must be nipped in the spud! 
Don't let the eyes of big potatoe invade YOUR privacy!  Just look what
happened to the Irish!  A POTATOE FAMINE!  They planned that!  Until next
time, going back into hiding.  Over and out.


                       ASK AUNT SPANKY

Dear Aunt Spanky,
    I have this good friend, he's joined this 'gang' called the slashers.  He
says they're really cool, and I should join up with them.  I don't like it. 
He's not the same, and these guys he's with are always picking fights and
stuff.  he says if I don't 'Get with thier program', I'm not really his
friend.  What should I do?

       Signed,
         Not part of 'Our Gang'

Dear 'Not',
    But think of all the fun your missing by being in a gang!  Being a target
at a drive-by shooting.  Getting maimed or killed in a gang fight.  Or even
better yet!  Going to prison over some stupid crime you were talked into, like
a drug sale or a convienience store robbery, and meeting other gang members on
the inside who want to make you thier butt-monkee!  Isn't that special?!  Of
course, Aunt Spanky is being sarcastic.  Gangs are for LOSERS!  Any real
person handles thier own style.  Having friends is one thing, but being in a
group that's organized to intimidate and break the law is another.  Sad news
about your friend.  He has to get out of the gang by himself.  Don't be stupid
and go down with the ship.


                    NAZI GORILLA WOMAN SPEAKS OUT

I've already done this trip before, but I'm gonna ENLIGHTEN you again in case
ya missed the first message....I HATE FUCKIN CELL PHONES!!!!  You
mutha-fuckers who think you are so DAMN important ya gotta have a phone in yr
purse or pocket all the time...Got a news flash fer ya...YER NOT IMPORTANT! 
YOU'RE A LOSER!!!  Think maybe the queen 'o England wants ta call ya up and
invite ya ta the next royal event?  Or the president needs some immediate
advise on the situation in Europe?  NO!  DAMMIT!   You're talking to some
shithead that wants to know if you want to go out later that night to have
some drinks!  I be in the middle of my best friends WEDDING, and some jack-ass
has his beeper go off!  I wanted to rip HIS beeper OFF!  Dammit you fuckheads!
 Loose the damn cell phones if you ain't a doctor waitin ta get emergency
calls!!!


                          READER'S MAIL

Dear sirs,
   Because of my integrity as an actor, I have refused to play the role of
Aniken Skywalker in the next Star Wars movie.  It is beneath me and I have
goals for much better things in my acting career.

     Signed,
       Leonardo DeCapria
       Just made the worst
       fucking career move of my life

Sirs,
   I read earlier in this issue of the Turdswamp about some sort of 'Potatoe'
conspiracy, which I find to be absolute rubbish!  My wife is a potatoe, and
takes great offense at such remarks!

    Signed,
     Sigmuend Busshypants
     Farmer

             
                           FUN FACTS

While seeking a name and package design for the world's first self-rising
pancake mix, the creator, Chris L. Rutt saw a Vaudeville team known as Baker
and Farrell.  The act included Baker singing the song "Aunt Jemima" while
dressed as a Southern mammy.

                            QUOTES

"Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last nights Taco Bell"

"The bullett burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a long night in a
Singapore brothel"

Both quotes from unknown authors.

                      OUTROTORIAL

I Did it!  Finally!  It is done!  after much delay and attacks by lawn gnomes,
this edition of the Denton Turdswamp is complete and transmitted!  Have fun
boys and girls, and....

                    DON'T FORGET TO PRAY!!!!