Greetings. My name is... well, I go by so many names, you know. My given name is David Alan Ward. You may, if you like, call me David, Dave, or perhaps Mr. Ward. Or you might go with something I've made up, such as D'Ward, or ektomage, or captain grey, or nobodyman, or toastboy, or kidder- no, not that one. That one's for another asylum. Sorry! ...But there are so many others to choose from.
...Not to say I have multiple-personality disorder, or whatever they like to call it these days. No, I have lots of personalities, but I quite control them all, consciously. More like characters.
I have always been insane, as nearly as I can recall. And I never claimed but a small shred of sanity- and even that I don't so much bother with anymore, despite some appearances. Appearances can be fun, and after all... advantageous... Any rate, life's a game, isn't it? The rules aren't set in stone. The really fun thing is that so many people seem to think they are. Which makes it so much harder, and so much easier, for those of us who know the truth. Nevertheless, I maintain an appearance of sanity, because I can, and because I rarely see any great reason not to do.
Now, the good doctors here fairly trust me, you know. Not to say they're completely ignorant of my true nature, they're not all complete fools. But they know I'm better than most of the other patients. A lot smarter, a lot more in control of my faculties, a lot more likely to get along, when I see no reason not to get along. They see me, perhaps, as more controllable, and surely- most of the time- easier to deal with. They also like to utilize me as an intermediary, between themselves and the other patients. I have the trust of both sides, here. I find I am well liked and respected by both sides of the constant struggle.
Oh, the struggle? This isn't necessarily exactly your typical asylum. Some of the people who work here are, as one would think they ought to be, dedicated professionals whose chief goal is to help the patients become well, become sane, become healthy and functioning members of normal society. (Please excuse my use of the popular oxymoron "normal society.") These doctors are in the minority, here, and not all of them realize or appreciate it. Most of the doctors... well let us say... hmmm... let us simply say that they have their own agendas. Some might say they belong locked up here instead of working here. But then, who doesn't? Well... they have their niche, and we have ours. But the struggle, that's all part of the great game. And games are meant to be played and enjoyed- but people don't always enjoy playing games. It is enough that they sometimes do, and that makes it worth putting up with the times they don't. I suppose.
As for the patients... well, they all have their own... Well, nothing so organized as agendas... But... well, they each and all have something... Something to occupy their attentions, to drive them. Some self-visualized point to their lives...
Personally, I'm just in it all for myself, and for what I consider to be right.
...And sometimes, for a bit of fun.
D'Ward (your humble narrator)
Draconius (thinks he's a dragon?)
Duchovny (thinks he's David Duchovny?)
Jerry Samuels (thinks he's Jerry Samuels, but he's not.)
The Spacehogs (named themselves after the band Spacehog, but are more like the Sweathogs from Welcome Back, Kotter)
Tom aka Mr. Marcus
Jasper, Maurice, and RealityGuy: See Pallyman (which of course you can't do, now)
Karag (Chief of Psychiatry)
Bolt (Chief of Violent Psychosis Division)
Lyczyncci (Chief of Personality Displacement Division)
Wyckoff (not on staff, but has some manner of shady connection to Karag and the asylum)
Riley (Chief of Security)