The Life of the FruITy King XerXes
(by King XerXes)

The beginning:
And lo the shepards were in the fields when an angel of the Lord appeared to them and sai… oh wait wrong king.

In the ninth month of the second year of the time of the great Apple Tang Famine, the insane King Ballplex had a child with his one hundred and fifty first wife, Pinta. He called the child XerXes because (being insane) he wanted to make sure that the child would always be last in line at school when they went to lunch, only in front of Ballplex's slave's son, Zigamortis.

XerXes was a good lad in school, excelling in the Arts of Fruit Poetry, Knitting, cutting big monsters into little pieces and feeding on their entrails, building tinker toy houses, and studying the language %#=A4&/(%&/%/D which has in recent times been given the name KiWi DiALect which XerXes found distasteful opting for the original name (he's nostalgic) of course of which is unpronouncable (thus the new name).

When XerXes reached the ripe age of 823 (still just a mere child) the insane King Ballplex became increasingly bitter from jealousy of his son's pearly white teeth. XerXes had always been an innovative young man and used Aquafresh to brush his teeth, while Ballplex used rotten strawberries.

Ballplex's jealousyy turned down a frightening path, when he formed a plan with the banana monks from the Order of the Baby Puke Stainn. The plan was to assassinate XerXes and erupt a civil war within the then peaceful land. The assassination was nearly carried out if it had not been for a young slave Michael (a member of the Gogan family of the race of cheese, a people Ballplex had conquered during his saner days) who threw his body between XerXes and the oncoming coconut. Michael suffered only major injuries which left him permanently damaged in the most frightening way (if ya know what I mean) but XerXes tripped over Michael's potatoe sack of a body after the impact and got a sliver… gives me the oogies just to think about it.

XerXes in a rather pissed off mood (as you might imagine… he had a sliver ya know) slaughtered Ballplex on the end of his mighty sword, Cornicopia. He didn't do it because of the plot against him (he didn't know about it yet) he did it because frankly Ballplex was insane and well… you know what insane people wear sometimes. That damn "Chicks Dig My Big Ballplex" shirt was really starting to make him feel inferior.

However, the bananas of the Order of the Baby Puke Stain still rejoiced for the land did erupt into civil war due to the shocking death of Ballplex. XerXes and his ApplePlum forces secured the provice known as theLANdofDAIryQueEn. XerXes changed the name to theLANdoFgolDENopporTUNITY in order to avoid any copyright problems (lawyers, XerXes can'ts stands em). TheLANdoFgolDENopporTUNITY remains to this day.

To the North of TheLANdoFgolDENopporTUNITY, King dick and his son norris held fast in the land of cheese and hamhocks where they came from originally. No one has been near in years because of the smell. In the south, there is the land of 101 flavors where lives the ruling family Tuber Mold. To the east lies the Great Lake Frank thelANDoFTHEhopsCOTchKEttLE, where lives King eGGy, XerXes's closest cousin. But no land is as beautiful as TheLANdoFgolDENopporTUNITY.

So then, the land was now separated and basically everyone was at each other's throats. Many of the kings were trying to grasp power from some and signing treaties with others. XerXes on the other hand chose an easier rout and conquered everybody in like a day. But being the nice good naïve king he is, he announced freedom for all and left all his relatives in charge throughout the land. Only the bananas managed to escape XerXes's grasp. The belligerent bananas fortified themselves within the Western East Mountains within the Northern South lands. XerXes had a hard enough time finding them (he said North no wait West, or East or NorthEast?) let alone driving them out. Lead by the high muckamuck, the top banana (ooh that one was bad), the High Peel of the Order of the Baby Puke Stain himself, the bananas did all kinds of unfruity things around the land. So the bananas were declared enemies of all good upright Fruit. XerXes attempted to call upon the InterLandonal Congress of Greater Fruit to expell the bananas and take away their Fruit status. The Congress would not give in until IT happened.

The High Peel held a ritual to resurrect the Decomposed, Rotten corpse of Ballplex! But something went seriously wrong and the rotten body of BallPlex, a pine cone, and the High Peel himself, all metamorphized together and became the hideous creature we call today… Hillary Clinton's Hair! No wait wrong story. It became the hideous creature we call the Gorfax, or at least the father of the Gorfax. The true Gorfax came to be when the BallPlex, pine cone, High Peel mixture mated with a Cantalope Cobra. The Cantalope Cobra had two children and they mated and spawned the Gorfax of today. The Gorfax, possessed of the combined insane thoughts of BallPlex, the High Peel and that pine cone, cared only for one thing. Believing that the only way to get clean teeth was to eat XerXes that is what it cared for, well that and occasionally eating anybody or thing else it came across.

Then came the years of solitude in XerXes's life. When all these events had transpired XerXes was still only 926 years of age and therefor became very self conscious since he was just entering puberty and his voice was cracking and he had zits and he was getting pubes.

During the years of solitude XerXes began to spend time pondering under the Great Orange Tree. During this time he was enlightened to learn that his true calling in life was to vanquish the bananas from everywhere and let all people know of the danger of bananas (the runs, they give the runs!!!)

XerXes in time returned to the public eye. He had matured into a handsome young man, with that golden bronze skin (?) and those pearly white teeth (oh those teeth!) He became the apple of every apple's eye (and every pear, peach, plum, cherry, and everyother fruity babe in TheLANdoFgolDENopporTUNITY) but none of this concerned XerXes, only his quest: DESTROY THE BANANAS!

But one day during his attempts to reach other worlds that needed to hear the good news of the gospel of the evil Bananas, XerXes discovered a portal to a world that could only be the Land of Ice and Spice, the mythical world his Great Great Grape Grand Aunt once prophesied about. Then after an attempt to warn the inhabitants about the Bananas he discovered a most interesting individual. Another traveler from the Land of Milk and Honey. XerXes was sure the Land of Milk and Honey lied on the other side of the Really Really Really REALLY big mountains on the other side of the Really Really Really REALLY Small mountains. He fell into immediate love with this tender Peachpear and requested for her hand in marriage. But soon the portal shifted and XerXes had lost his one true love. For many days XerXes screamed in torment over the loss of his beloved Alexi, but one day he got so angry that he went to the portal and threw the dead carcass of his former servant Michael into it. Immediately contact was regained and XerXes reentered the Land of Ice and Spice and the rest as they say is History.

I suppose I could add on about 800 more pages including XerXes departure from the throne, norris's mad attempt to control the Land of Ice and Spice, XerXes's slaying of norris, the wedding, the elopation (is that a word) the sunset beach, the marriage, I'll leave out the honeymoon, XerXes' even newer and still breathing slave seymour, and then a word about the fate of the dead carcass of norris, but you can read all about it in Wa7y Out.

Oh alack the day! But I… we… cannot! Damnable Purges! Sigh… -Dave/ekt