Category: LeftField
Section: WAAAAAAAY Out
Article: who ate the oysters?
Reply: Personally, I think it was like this…
Posted on 3/28/96 by WalrusMan

(The Oyster is terrified but tries not to show it. He quietly sips his drink, looking over the crowd for a more sympathetic ear or whatever. A large Walrus gives the Oyster a rough shove.)

WALRUS: Negola dewaghi wooldugger?!?

(The Walrus is obviously drunk. The Oyster tries to ignore him and turns back to his drink. A short, grubby Carpenter joins the belligerent monstrosity.)

CARPENTER: He doesn't like you.

OYSTER: I'm sorry.

CARPENTER: I don't like you either.

(The Walrus is getting agitated and yells out some unintelligible gibberish at the now rather nervous, young Oyster.)

CARPTENTER: (continued) You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve systems.

OYSTER: I'll be careful.

CARPENTER: You'll be dead.

(The Walrus lets out a loud grunt and everything at the bar moves away. The Oyster tries to remain cool but it isn't easy. His adversaries ready their weapons. The King of Hearts moves in behind the Oyster.

KING: This little one isn't worth the effort. Come let me buy you something…

(A powerful blow from the Carpenter send the young Oyster sailing across the room, crashing through tables and breaking a large jug filled with a foul-looking liquid. With a blood curdling shriek, the Walrus draws a wicked chrome laser pistol from his belt and levels it at the King of Hearts. The bartender panics.)

BARTENDER: No blasters! No blaster!

With astounding agility the King's laser sword sparks to life and in a flash a flipper lies on the floor. The Walrus's flipper has been severed and the Carpenter has been cut diagonally across the chest. The King carefully and precisely turns off his laser sword and replaces it on his utility belt. The Oyster, shaking and totally amazed at the old man's abilities, attempts to stand. The entire fight has lasted only a matter of seconds. The cantina goes back to normal, although the King is given a respectable amount of room at the bar. The Oyster approaches the old man with new awe.