Category: LeftField
Section: WAAAAAAAY Out
Topic: A Place to Get Completely WeIRd!@#$&^*
Article: A Revised Vader/Luke Encounter
Posted on 6/30/95 by spazz

Hello All! It's Vacuum Fighter Guy! I'm Using Matt's Computer To Write This, So It Says His Handle At The Top.
I think the "I AM YER FATHER" scene in starwars Should've Gone like This…

(Vader is standing in front of Luke, who is tying his shoe. Luke stands up and looks at Vader.)

Vader: You will join the Dark Side. It is your destiny.
Luke: No Way, Fool
Vader: I'll give you a nice shiny penny!
Luke: No. I'm Here to Kill you! But the penny is tempting.
(Luke pulls a big stick from his belt)
(Vader pulls a big stick from the depths of his cape)
Vader: Luke…I am-
Luke: What? My Father?! Yeah Right!
Vader: Let me finish! Luke… I am a cheese cake!
Luke: But the script says you're my father!
Vader: That too. But I'm also a cheese cake!
Luke: Oh good! Dad, can I borrow the keys to the Death Star?
Vader: No! Don't you realize that I'm a cheese cake?
Luke: So?
Vader: Don't you understand? I AM A CHEESE CAKE!!!
Luke: What's your point?
Vader: You must join me in being a cheese cake… it is your destiny.
Luke: No, I'm supposed to marry Leia!
Vader: Uh… Obi Wan! Tell Him!
Luke: tell me what?
Obi Wan's Voice: Leia is your sister's uncle's brother's sister.
Luke: What?!
Obi Wan's Voice: Oh, oops! I made a mistake, she's your sister.
Luke: That's impossible!
(luke pulls off a rubber mask and reveals his true identity)
"Luke": I AM LEIA!!!

A Revised Vader\Luke Encounter Revision 1
Posted on 8/4/95 by spazz

Alrighty! It's Me Again! Vacuum Figh--- oh, sorry, just me… SPAZZ!!!

Vader: Luke, you will join the dark side of the force and we will rule as father and son!
Luke: You idiot! You haven't told me you're my father yet!
Vader: And I'm not going to. I have other news for you…
Luke: You're having a baby?
Vader: No, Obi Wan never told you what happened to that cheese cake you never ate when you were two…
Luke: He told me enough, he said you ate it and that you're my father!
Vader: No…. I am a cheese cake!
Luke: No you're not!
Vader: Yes I am!
Luke: No you're not!
Vader: Yes I Am!
Luke: Oh Yeah!?
(Luke pulls a small piece of metal from his pocket.)
Vader: What the is that!?
(Luke presses a nifty button on the metal thing. A light comes from it and takes the shape of a fork)
Luke: A lightfork… A more elegant weapon for a more fork-oriented time. Not as generic or plain as a lightsaber.
Vader: I knew that, I was just seeing if you knew!
(Vader pulls a similar piece of metal from inside his helmet somewhere.)
Luke: You have one too?
Vader: No…
(Vader ignites his LightSpoon!)
(they fight)
(it's a tie)
(they do that little rock\paper\scissors thing to decide on the winner)
(Luke wins)
Vader: You cheated!
Luke: Ok, this time you choose how to decide the winner!
Vader: Chess!
(they play chess, Luke wins.)
Luke: Well, I won again! Let's just let me go and I'll tell the rebel alliance I beat you in a fight!
Vader: Let me cut off your hand so you have proof!
Luke: No way!
Vader: Yes Way!!
Luke: Well alright!

Later in the rebel base…

Doctor: Your hand got cut off!
Luke: I know!
Han: What can you do for him, doc?"
Doctor; We can rebuild him… we can make him better than he was… better, stronger, faster!