Oct. 22, 1992
"Thursday is just a Friday wannabe."
"Friday's only kool cause it hangs out with Saturday all the time."
"If Dan Quayle were president, they'd have to change the rules of spelling bees, so that whoever spells the worst wins."
"Being D'WARD ain't all it's cracked up to be."
Oct. 23, 1992
"Jack Handey isn't so great."
"Making up secret codes can be fun."
"The Latin Pigs go Dutch when eating peaches."
Dec. 7, 1992
"I may be kinda clown about most stuff mosta the time. But I can be very serious about some things sometimes. Like, for instance... I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer."
"I was thinking, someday I'd like to live in a house that was built in the same decade I'm living in it. Heck, I'd settle for the same century."
Dec. 21, 1992
"Jeez my but hurts. I guess I must have cut myself shaving."
June 4, 1993
"Jeez! I don't believe I found this notepad! I lost this thing months ago!"
"I'm graduating Sunday. And Cheers and The Wonder Years and all kinds of deadly shows have died. The world must be ending soon."
"I sure hope not."
July 5, 1993
"My back hurts like hell."
"I suspect it has something to do with carrying around such heavy stuff all the time. Like my body."
Aug. 'Friday the 13th' 1993
"Ooh! I just remembered I thought of something I wanted to write in here a while back. But I forgot what it was for a few weeks, I guess."
"But I remembered about it now, so here it is."
"If you can't take the heat, don't even bother trying to be cool."
Mar. 14, 1994
"Secret code revision: (The romantic pigs go Dutch when eating peaches)"
"Actually, that's not today's entry. I just got around to writing it today cause I had something else to enter today."
"MONDAY, MARCH 14, 1994. That is the Change Day. The Turning Point. The Dividing mark in History. Everything changes. EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. ALL HISTORY."
"Remember the Odyssey."
March 17, 1994
"Weeeeeell, Maaaaaaaaaybe not."
June 10, 1994
"I NEED MONEY. I NEED A JOB. I COULD REALLY USE A LIFE."
"I was just reading my first entry page. Y'know, Friday can be kinda kool in its own right. And maybe I wasn't being quite fair to Dan, I was just jumping on the Dan-bashing bandwagon."
"I've read some more earlier entries, too. I used to write a word 'geese' but I suddenly realized that's geese as in gooses. I meant it jeez to be pronounced so that's how I'll spell it now. Plus- Another show gone: Star Trek The Next Generation. But it'll be back in movies soon. I think that's all I had to say for now."
"I never spell 'butt' B-U-T-T. I always only use one 'T.' That's a D'WARD'S Perogative. So's spellin' prerogative like it sounds."
Aug. 17, 1994
"Boredom is having time to kill and not being able to choose your weapon."
Aug. 22, 1994
"Y'know what? Yesterday was a month until my birthday. And next Tuesday is Dave's (Letterman of course) one year anniversary on CBS. Heh-heh, cool."
"But seriously folks, did you know that I'm the center of the universe? No really, I am."
"And I'd tell you why that's true, but your little mind couldn't grasp the concept."
"Oh, OK, I'll tell you. Since the universe is infinite, expanding forever in all directions, any point within it can truly be said to be its center. So there."
"If you say you've got troubles
as big as my own, I'm forced
to admit that it's true;
But consider the fact
that mine happen to me,
while yours merely happen to you."
"OK, so I stole that one from Reader's Digest, but it's still true. And it's more true for me than for anyone else-even that nobody little D'WARD Thinker wannabe, Jack Handey."
"Hey, just cause he was in this business before me doesn't make me the copycat."
Sep. 22, 1994
"Y'know what I think would be really funny? To bring a cooler full of beer into a bar and just sit there all night, drinking bottle after bottle out of the cooler. Then at the end of the night, when the bartender asks if you're gonna actually order anything, say, 'Uh, I just wanna use the bathroom.' But you better bring some friends with you, or he'll kick your ass."
Sep. 28, 1994
"By the way, have I ever mentioned that LIFE SUCKS!?"
"And yet, we'll do anything to stay ALIVE. Are we a twisted species, or what?"
Oct. 4, 1994
"Ya don't mind my abbreviatin' the title, do ya?"
(side note: you won't get that entry unless you read the original notebook. i included it here, however, for completism.)
Oct. 18, 1994
"If October 31 is 'All Hallow's Eve,' then shouldn't November 1 be 'All Hallow's Day'?"
"Y'know, actually, I bet it really is, and I've just never heard of it, prob'ly."
Nov. 11, 1994
"I guess I like the full title better."
(see earlier side note.)
"Luckiest are the people whose childhood ended just before tape recorders were invented."
"By the way, happy Veterans Day. And happy birthday to Jack, my Pound Puppy."
Feb. 12, 1995
"Hey, Barkeep, gimme a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, and make it a double."
Mar. 8, 1995
"If something's worth fighting for, you'll probably have to."
Mar. 31, 1995
"Did it ever occur to you that we'd probably all be alot happier had language never been invented?"
"Yeah, and then I'd be out of a job. Ya can't win, eh?"
June 28, 1995
"Hey, caf-free diet coke's got this new deal where ya can win stuff if you send them some of your own personal words of wisdom. So I was looking through this notebook to find some. But most of my best stuff is over ten words, which is the cutoff point. And the one that is just under ten words that I might use, I'm sure someone must've said before sometime in the history of the world. So they might disqualify it, if that turned out to be the case. So maybe I just won't bother with the whole thing. Well, anyway...Doh! That's all I had to say for now. Bye."
July 5, 1995
"Anything that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, after a few weeks or months of recuperation."
July 26, 1995
"Well, Northern Exposure ended tonight. I'll miss them. Cicely, everybody."
"A thought struck towards the end: Maggie & Chris. So like Troi and Worf. Et al. Just this sort of jarring romantic reconfiguring is happening often these days, n'est-ce pas? Roll with it, baby, that's what I'm gonna do. And like it, by God."
"A show ends, and so, a fitting time to end this book of D'WARD Thoughts. Life goes on. I'll start a new book of them. New shows will live, die, be born. Life is cyclical. Well, I'm outta space. Later."
Dec. 3, 1996
"Dammit, I wrote a few new ones before on the Dominion, but the Purges got them. Why the hell didn't I copy them down anywhere?"
Feb. 5, 1998
"Ever wonder what the Sci-Fi Channel means by 'Ever Wonder?'?"
August ???, 1999
"The cells are always greyer inside somebuddy else's skull."
"Pikachu is the Captain Amazing of Pokemon."
"Say, is Marvin like the only Martian on Mars, or what?"
"Some days, I swear to God, I really just wish time would pick a pace and stick with it."
September 11, 1999
"Hallucination ain't all it's cracked up to be."
December ?, 1999
"Heavy is the head that wears the drive-thru headset."
May 3, 2000
"Human nature: The pettier, the squabblier."
May 9, 2000
"To say, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade' supposes that life has also given you a pitcher, some water, and some sugar, perhaps a spoon to stir it and some glasses to pour it into. Life might well give you none of these things. To say, 'He pulled himself up by his own bootstraps' supposed that he had some bootstraps to begin with. Not everyone does."
"What's past is past, but the present just won't go away."
"Everything sucks, except the things that don't. But they don't count."