Yeah. I was just kidding about the Oscar thing. This script is awful. And so are the others, if I decide to post them. And also, if you don't know some of the people in the script, especially Mr. Flattum, then you are completely lost, and I can't say I blame you. In that case DO NOT read this, or you will regret wasting two minutes of your life on this. But if you are, for example, one of the four original Psychos, then you may want to take a little stroll down memory lane. And perhaps you will be amused.
Mr.Flattum - Tamara, is that a note you're writing?
Tamara - Uh, no. Not at all. How could you possibly accuse me of an act so low? I am simply...uh...expressing my thoughts through words on a single sheet of lined paper.
Mr. Flattum - Oh, but I thought you were writing a note.
- I swear I am not writing a note. I love geometry. (doing a Flattum impersonation) Geometry is fun!
Mr. Flattum - I don't know...should I read it aloud to the class? (grinning good-naturedly)
Class- Yeah!
Tamara - No! You can't do that! You can't do that, Mr. Flattum! Anything but that! I'll be your eternal math slave! I'll spend the rest of my days locked in your basement wearing absolutely nothing and writing proofs for the pothygorean theorem on microscopic rubber erasers!
Mr. Flattum - Hm....let me think...okay.
Tamara - No! I didn't mean that! Do you know the definition of sarcasm?
Mr. Flattum - No, actually. Let me look it up in the dictionary. (gets out dictionary, starts flipping through the pages)Sa...sal ...did you know that "salacious" means "lustful"?...sar...ah, here it is. "Sarcasm." It means: "A taunting or caustic remark, generally ironical." I wonder what that means.
Tamara - It means I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT! (sticks tongue out at Mr. Flattum)
Mr. Flattum - Then why did you say it? You know, Tamara, that really hurts my feelings coz I thought you really wanted to be my eternal math slave. You'd have so much fun!
Tamara - It would be a blast. (a pause) I'm being sarcastic again.
Mr. Flattum - Oh. But if you don't want to be my math slave, then what do we do to you? Does anyone have any suggestions toward what we should do to Tamara?
Kaitlin Chell - I think we should string 'er up by her britches.
Tamara - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Jessica Tuquero - I think we should feed her to the dogs. She never tells us where she gets her saltless cheetos.
Ying Huang - I think we should lock her up in a small room being blasted with bad N'Sync songs (and aren't they all?) for the rest of her life. (Tamara lets out a scream of agony)
Phil Angert - I think we should lock her up in a small room with Kaitlin.
Tamara - Nooooooooooooo! Just kill me, why don't you! Somebody, help me! Help me! Don't leave me here to die! Four psychos, where are you? Talya, help me! If you don't, I'll tell the world about your illicit affair with Mr. Flattum!
Talya Spivack - (Comes swinging in holding on to a rope, wearing a long, oversize cape and screaming at the top of her lungs) Red Bull gives you wings! Tamara...(dramatically), did you send for ME?
Tamara - Uh...yeah...for godssakes, watch out!
Talya Spivack - Oh nooooooo..... (hits the opposite wall with a heavy thud and falls to the floor; coincidentally, she happens to land on Kaitlin and knocks her unconscious)
Tamara - Oh boy...nice try, Talya! I hope you're still alive!
Mr. Flattum - Oh no, Talya, what have I done to you? My true love! I cannot live any longer. (pulls out a gun from his drawer and holds it to his head)
Kaitlin Chell - (recovered from her daze) But I love you, Mr. Flattum! You can't just die! Together, as lovers, we shall battle the forces of the four psychos and get revenge for this mutiny!
Mr. Flattum - Okay.
Tamara - This can't be good...SOMEBODY HELP ME! LUCKY, WHERE ARE YOU? I'LL NEVER CALL YOU 'LUCY' AGAIN!
Lucky - (Bursts in through the door, dressed in a biker chick outfit, wearing a bandana, with a long butcher-knife in one hand and an automatic assault rifle in the other) It's Lucky 101, and if I have to remind you again, you're puppy chow.
Tamara - Kibbles and bits?
Lucky - No. Purina.
Tamara - Oh. (disappointed) I'm kind of hungry, it being fourth period and all. Anyway, Lucky 101, KILL!!
Lucky - Okay. (hoists rifle and prepares to throw knife)
Mr. Flattum - Oh no, you don't, Psycho. (opens the drawer and pulls out a very long spear that obviously could never fit in his little dresser drawer. Hoists it and throws it at Lucky, at the same time that Lucky throws the butcher knife)
Kaitlin Chell - (sees that butcher knife is about to hit Mr. Flattum) Don't worry Mr. Flattum. I'll save you. (throws herself in front of the knife, misses, hits her head on the desk and is again knocked unconcious. The knife hits Mr. Flattum in the thigh)
Mr. Flattum - Ow. That hurt. Oh no! Kaitlin's dead! I might as well end it all right now! Wait...it's Kaitlin...never mind.
Lucky - (Struck by the spear in the side) Goodbye all you people. (falls to the ground, looks like she's dead)
Tamara - (Randomly) Just out of curiosity, how could you have had an affair with Talya, aren't you gay?
Mr. Flattum - I don't know. Am I? (Talking like a valley girl) Oh my god, I'm, like, sooooo confused.
Tamara - Never mind. SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE! ANYBODY! TAWNY, WHERE ARE YOU?
Tawny Tseng - (struts proudly into the classroom, stepping over Lucky, who lies motionless on the ground, paying no heed to Talya or Kaitlin, who lie strewn around the classroom in unnatural poses. All falls silent)Did you call for us?
Mr. Flattum - I don't see the 'us'. (looks around confusedly)
Tawny Tseng - Me and my army. (looks behind her at the empty hall)
Mr. Flattum - Uh, yeah.
Tawny Tseng - What should we do for you, Fellow Psycho?
Tamara - Attack! (pointing toward the rest of the class in a very overexaggerated manner)
Tawny Tseng - Hey, you over there, wake up! (Talya, Lucky and Kaitlin get up and start randomly spazzing out.)Hey! Not you!(pointing at Kaitlin) Get back there!
Kaitlin Chell- Yes Sir. I mean Ma'am. (throws herself on the ground, again unconcious)
Tawny Tseng - To the death!
Tamara - No. To the pain.
Tawny Tseng - Fine, any way you want it. To the pain then! (a huge fight commences through the entire classroom which everybody joins, people beat up random people even on their own side. Eventually, everyone is down and moaning on the floor except for the Four Psychos.)
Four Psychos - Yaay! We are free at last to murder!
Tamara - Yes, my friends. (points to the door) TO THE BATCAVE!
Tawny Tseng - To the batcave!
Lucky - To the batcave! (Tamara, Tawny and Lucky hurry out the door, leaving Talya behind)
Talya Spivack - (gazes at Mr. Flattum, lying on his desk with a spear sticking out of his side) Oh, Mr. Flattum!
Mr. Flattum - Taaaaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaa....
Talya Spivack- (Weeping, doing her best Daniel Day-Lewis impersonation) I will come for you. No matter where they take you, I will come for you. (randomly starts to do a strip dance, but thinks better of it and stops) Parting is such sweet sorrow. (leaps psychotically out of the room, cape flapping behind)(barely heard, somewhere echoing in the hall:) RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS!
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