This story takes place after Buffy's twentieth birthday, but before Crush Second of three prologues. Feedback can be sent to cobalite@yahoo.com No flames please, they give my deleted messages folder ingestion. I own nothing. Please don't sue, all you'll get is my CD collection. In LA, Angel comes to an epiphany two weeks ahead of Joss's schedule.

Black and Blue: Shape of My Heart

Hmm, yeah, yeah
Baby, please try to forgive me
Stay here don't put out the glow
Hold me now don't bother
If every minute it makes me weaker
You can save me from the man that I've become, oh yeah

I can feel it, the moment it happens. It has been centuries since I've felt anything this painful. Death, it's finally come to take my beloved. I know only two things. Even if I leave this very minute, I will be far too late, and that she is not alone. It is the only consolation I have. I don't know who's with her, but I know in her last moments she is loved. It must be Riley.

I can't see what's happening, but I can feel it. Strong arms cradle her, and I wish they were my own. I wonder which monster finally had his one good day. I wonder how long she'll be in pain like this. I wonder if she knows how much I love her, have always loved her. Such pain, I'd always wished her a quick death.

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part
And kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

The pain was so strong, Cordelia fell to her knees. Doubled, amplified. Why? All she could see was pain. A face, whose face? Spike, crying, holding someone's body. Paramedics, arriving too late. She suddenly hears the vampire's tortured voice whisper the name she already knew on some level. 'Buffy.' A young man handcuffed. Another whisper, 'DWI, so young, both of them.' Pain, Angel's, Buffy's, Spike's, and soon, Riley's. Cordelia started sobbing.

Sadness is beautiful
Loneliness is tragical
So help me I can't win this war, oh no
Touch me now don't bother
If every second it makes me weaker
You can save me from the man I've become

"Cor?" Gunn gently touched her. She'd never reacted like this before. She didn't acknowledge him, just got to her feet, and grabbed her coat. "Cordy, where are you going?"

"To Angel."

"What?" Gunn blocked her path. "We don't need him. Why would you go back there?"

"He needs us."

Wesley snorted. "He certainly doesn't seem to think so."

"It's Buffy." It was all Cordelia needed to say for Wesley to understand.

Lookin' back on the things I've done (back on the things...)
I was tryin' to be someone (tryin' to be...)
I played my part
And kept you in the dark (in the dark)
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

"Who's Buffy? Are you two gonna tell me or not?" Gunn had asked four times on the way to the Hyperion, and had gotten no answer.

"They were in love. She was a vampire slayer, things didn't work out." Cordelia tested the door, finding in locked.

"The girl that made him lose his soul a few years back?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"So what's wrong? She need our help?"

"She's beyond help." Wesley unlocked the door.

I'm here with my confession
Got nothin' to hide no more
I don't know where to start
But to show you the shape of my heart

Angel lay sprawled just inside the entrance. Tears of blood rolled down his face, continuing his crying even after he'd lapsed into unconsciousness. Cordelia knelt beside him, and opened his eyelids. There was a golden film over them. "She's still hanging on. I didn't think she'd make it until we got here." She looked at the
two men. "Get out."

"What?" Gunn sounded offended.

"I said get out. I'm his messenger, neither of you should see what he'll be like when he wakes up."

"Cordy, are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"When did you get all duty bound?" Gunn asked.

"I can still feel it, okay? In real time, with every sense. She's dying, and he can feel it too."

I'm lookin' back on things I've done
I never wanna play the same old part
I'll keep you (keep you in the dark) in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

After they left, she opened his eyes again. The film was gone.

So was Buffy. "Angel."

"She's gone." His voice broke.

"I know. She, she wasn't alone. I know that was her biggest fear."

"Who was with her? Riley?"

"No, she was Spike. Something's happened to him. They were patrolling, together." Cordelia brushed away a tear. "She thought of you, in those last moments." Her words could offer him no comfort.

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone (tryin' to be someone)
I played my part
Kept you in the dark
Now let me show (Now let me show you the true)
You the shape (shape of my heart) of my heart

Morning dawned, and Cordelia left him to his misery while she went to change clothes. The phone rang. Angel numbly picked it up. "Hello?"

"Sire. I need to talk to you."

"I already know Spike."

"I thought so, but... She wanted you to come home for the funeral."

"I doubt Riley wants me there."

"Soldier left town. That's why she put up with me on patrol."

"Why aren't you dancing in the streets? Why were you, of all people, with her tonight?"

"You once told me, 'To kill this girl, you have to love her.' I've gotten to the point where I love her too much to kill her."

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part
And kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of

"Did she leave a will?" The moment the words passed his lips, he realized how stupid is sounded. A twenty year old with a will.

"A detailed one." Spike could hear the shock on the other end of the line. "She's to be buried after sunset. I can tell you we won't be the only demons in attendance. Already, Joyce is getting condolence calls from every born-again demon in Sunnydale. Angel, she wanted the three of us to give her eulogy."

Angel didn't ask who the third was, he knew. "You said Riley was gone."

"He is, and I haven't a bloody clue where he is! Slayer wanted him here, and I have no clue where to find him."

"I might have an idea. I'll be there in a few hours, Spike." For the first time in months, Darla was the farthest thing from his mind.

Show you the shape of my heart

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