Once upon a time, in a land much like ours because... well... it was ours, there was a guy named Bob. Bob was an average guy. He had light brown eyes and short brown hair. He stood about six feet tall, but was often thought to be shorter because he slouched. Although he was only a freshman in college, he lived in his own house next to a temple.
The temple that Bob lived by belonged to an easy-going religion dedicated to the Gay god of foo-fooiness; Claude. Sometimes, when Bob was either bored or (more often) didn't feel like doing his homework, he would stare out his window and watch the monks clad in pink taffeta give each other make overs. Sometimes, they would walk up and down the temple chanting show tunes. Many a time that Bob had fallen asleep to the melodic sounds of "Evita" and "West Side Story."
One day, Bob, being a poor college student and a growing boy to boot, found himself hungry. He walked to his refrigerator, bracing himself as he opened the door, unsure of what horrible monsters might leap out and kill him. As a gentle light streamed out of the open door, Bob saw a worse sight than any monster. The fridge was completely empty. Sobbing, Bob wondered how he would live when suddenly the brilliant idea of borrowing some food from the nice gay men next door
popped into his head.
As Bob walked up to the temple, a sudden sense of ill ease washed over him. The temple was unusually silent. No show tunes. No girlish giggling. No sounds of make up being applied. This worried Bob, so he quietly opened the front door of the temple. Entering the parlor, he noticed that the normally pristine marble floors were smeared with a red substance that looked either like blood or melted lipstick. Scraps of pink taffeta were strewn around the room. Gulping, Bob hoped that the disorder of the temple was caused by a night of drunken revelry. Walking from room to room, the scene was pretty much the same until Bob hit a dead end. He found himself in a circular room. In the room, there was a big chocolate cake with pink sprinkles on a white marble
pedestal. Hanging on the pedestal, right below the cake there was a sign that read:
DO NOT EAT THIS CAKE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Of course, Bob being a hungry boy and all, ignored the sign and ate the cake anyway. After hungrily devouring the cake, a tingly sensation ran through his body. He instinctively knew
what had happened. By eating the cake, he was teleported to another dimension by a rip in the space-time continuum. When the tingling through his body stopped, Bob realized he was in a world he had never seen before. Bob blinked. He was in some sort of jungle, with polka dot trees with marshmallow-pie fruit. Cellophane flowers grew up past his head, and the sky was marmalade orange. Looking around, Bob realized that he was surrounded by dorks with one eyeball wearing purple dresses sitting on rocking horses. "Greetings. We are the Gorge-ons. We are hungry, and we are going to eat you," they told him in a polite tone of voice.
Without further ado, they tied Bob to a stick and pulled him to their town, Splungeville, debating over the best way to cook human the entire way.
How will Bob get out of this mess? Tune in next month's episode of Bob Weekly!
