I abstained from drugs, and forced others to comply with this path to happiness. I didn't allow friends or even acquaintances to taint themselves with a quick fix of bliss that was simply a smoke screen. I thought that maybe I could be a beacon to others. You don't need intoxication from a plant or a combination of chemicals to seep into your veins to bring a smile to your face. Still, I saw friends caving to the temptation of marijuana, the burning taste of vodka, the caressing powder of cocaine. They knew how it hurt me to watch them poisoning themselves, knew that I simply wanted a better life for them than my father gave to himself, an empty truth found in bottles. Despite this, they brought plague to their own bodies. So I caved, and I had my first sip of hard liquor. If I can't stop anyone, then why bother.
I would cringe in disgust at the covers of magazines. My friends were told not to objectify women, that any sense of lust is wrong, demeaning. They're people too, not a slab of meat to be used for your own gratification. Sex is something to be shared between two souls, not two horny teens in the back seat of a Chevrolet. Despite this, I saw friends getting pregnant, parents at sixteen, seventeen...kids having kids. I saw girls who thought that love could only be found in giving in to the flesh. I saw guys so torn apart by their lust that it becomes their sole desperation. So I caved, and I too long for the blackened touch of a girls hand flowing over me as we share two minutes of oblivious fun.
I began to write to inspire, pouring my pain and my experiences on paper, making my hurt and hate available to anyone who would open an eye, hoping my art would inspire. If they could see what had become of me, they could struggle for something better. They could survive against the odds with the memory of my broken life to have everything that they desired. Despite this, I saw girls starving themselves in the name of beauty, becoming frail beasts. I saw girls flaunting their flesh so that eye level appreciation would be enough to boost esteem. I saw people cutting themself, tuning out reality, running away from even hope in the name of fear. So I caved, and I shut them out instead. If I cannot bring them to love and hope, then my pains and struggles have been for nothing.
I was angered by the scores of imitation artists that covered the air waves with just enough skill to be taken at face value. They didn't inspire, they didn't change anything, only brought what was already there. So I fought, I spoke out against the trite nature that was there and the continuing objectification in visual media that led to even more pain and broken hopes. Despite this, there is a new twenty-something "beauty" every week, despite this a quick fix of good enough was simply that, just good enough to profit. So I caved, and I watch the scantily clad girls, watch the men fox-calling for them...and I see it profiting.
I want to become a teacher. In high school, I saw people fighting the system, angry at the teachers for trying to expand their mind. I would thank my teachers, and do my best to be a good little student. I would tell people that they need to learn, they need to struggle here and now so that later they don't have to. I saw my teachers hurting because they simply wanted the students to have happy lives, and all they could see was the torment of teenage minds and the short sightedness of this here and now society. Despite this, the students didn't care. They only want what they think is best for the next fifteen minutes. So I caved, and I saw futility, barely scraping my way out of high school, saw the way my teachers wanted more of me but I didn't care. What could I possibly hope to become against all the odds out there? Why become a teacher to talk to deaf ears?
Ideals and hopes have given way to surrender. What could I possibly wish to change? I'm simply one man against the entire world. Words fall on deaf ears, inspiration falls on blind eyes, hope falls on dead hearts, wishes fall on hollow souls. And so I caved...and I became one of them. I started wanting to change the world for the better, and in the end all I did was change myself for the worse.
