The Strangest Story Ever
Once there was a girl named Jana. She had brown hair. Her eyes were this weird blue. One day she went to school, and realized she had forgotten her Math book. When she was walking home this totally cute guy asked her why her eyes were so blue. She ran away and fell into a trash can. She got out of it, and heard a noise. She pulled a banana peel away from her eyes, turned around, and nearly fainted! The cute guy was standing in front ofher. Then he fell to the ground, dead. She didn't really care, since he was one of those annoying, obsessive, weird persons who you just want to kill. She stepped out of the trash can and began to walk the rest of the way home. From far off, she heard screaming, and turning toward the sound, she ran into a little pig, wearing a turban and carrying a sword. He ran off, and soon after came a large army of little pigs, all chasing the first little pig with a turban. Jana ran to catch up with the turbaned pig. She scooped him up in her arms. He was black, and his turban was yellow with black spots. Meanwhile, the army of pigs, seeing the black pig safe in Jana's arms, turned around and began marching the other way. Jana looking into the pig's eyes and decided to name him P-Chan. She carried him all the way home. At her house there was a girl waiting there for her, she turned out to be her long lost sister named Rachel Porter, and she had slutty little elves with her. Rachel was dressed just as much like a slut as her elves were! As soon as Jana showed her P-Chan, Rachel ran off, screaming for Jana to "get that dirty pig away from her!" At this point, Jana realized that she had missed her bus to school by a long time. "Oh well, all I'll miss isfirst period, and that's Schmitz," she thought. She walked all the way to school barely in time for third period. As she stumbled into the building, her feet killing her, Mr DeJaen, the true principal of the school, yelled "No pets allowed in the building!" Jana looked down and realized she was still holding P-Chan. "Uh oh," she said, and ran down the hallway. Mr DeJaen pursued her. "No running in the hallway!" Mr. Schmitz yelled as Jana and Mr. DeJaen sped by his classroom. Soon all of his third period class poured out of the classroom to see the chase. Mr. DeJaen was waddling by this time, not even close to catching up with Jana. Jana ran past Mr. Pounder's and threw P-Chan in the doorway. Mr. Pounder jumped up and caught him. "Well I'll be dipped and rolled in cracker crumbs, this thing's as satanic as David Lao's cat!" said Pounder, "Kill it! Kill it!" Jana stopped in her tracks, turned around and ran to save P-chan, and collided with the corpulent Mr. DeJean. "Just (puff, puff) a . .second . .young (puff, puff) lady, I'm going to give a referal!" he yelled at her. She ignored him and jumped at Mr. Pounder shouting "NOOOOOOO!" "No screaming in the halls," said Schmitz, "Or I'll rip your lips off and what-have-you!" Jana fell flat on her face in front of Mr. Pounder, who was laughing maniacally. She stared at the ground angrily, and suddenly two small holes formed in the floor. They rapidly grew and merged, and all of a sudden Jana fell through the floor! She landed with a thud and looked up to see Ms. Merrival screaming. Mr DeJaen fell too, and P-Chan jumped through the hole into Jana's arms. Mr. Pounder looked through the hole in the floor. Underneath him he saw a girl cuddling a piglet in a turban, Mr. DeJaen lying on his back and waving his arms and legs in the air like an overturned ladybug, a class staring around in bewilderment, and Ms. Merrival screeching. "That's it. Now I know Mr. Buchanan's been contaminating my coffee," Mr. Pounder muttered as he shoved through Mr. Schmitz' third period class, which had meanwhile been staring with amazement at the action. Everyone else just stood there looking down into Ms. Merrival's room. They were so shocked that they didn't notice Mr. Pounder leave. All of a sudden, you could hear Mr. Buchanan screaming. Mr. Pounder dragged him back into his room. Then he shoved him down the hole. He landed on Mr. DeJaen's arm, and it cushioned him so well that the fall didn't hurt him at all. In fact he bounced and hit Ms. Merrival, who screeched some more. Jana grabbed P-chan, "I gotta get out of this dilapidated hell hole!" she thought. She ran down the hall and slid into the janitor, who was mopping the floor (for a change). P-chan flew out of her arms, and into the janitor's bucket! Jana blinked and when she looked back there was a boy sitting there. "Thank goodness," he said, "Would someone get me something to wear here?! All I have is this doofy turban! And by the way my name's Ryoga." Suddenly, Mr. H came out of his class. " What's all the commotion?" he asked. "Would every one stop staring and get me some CLOTHES?!" yelled Ryoga, getting a little red. "Sure," said Mr. H, "I have some in my costume book right here!" Mr H ran to get some clothes while Jana just sat and stared. Ryoga tried frantically to fashion his turban into some sort of clothes. Mrs Jones heard the commotion and came running. "You with the hair, that is definitely violating the dress code!" she shrieked at Ryoga. Luckily, Mr H returned with an old camouflage outfit and Ryoga could put it on. "P-P-P-P-chan!" Jana stuttered. "That's RYOGA to you. Can I please just get out of here? Is Furinkan High near?" Ryoga replied, "I was going to fight Ranma when I got a little turned around . . ." "Fur-in-can high?" Jana asked perplexedly. "Is that some kind of new drug? D'you know where I could get some?" "You idiot! If you want a good drug, try Prosperity Pills, not fur in can high. Where am I?" Ryoga sneered. "Isn't Ranma that comic book character...who turns into a girl when he gets soaked in cold water...oh my god!" Jana just sat murmuring to herself. "Aarggh! Will anyone LISTEN to me?!" Ryoga yelled. Ms. Jones peeped out of her office. "Inside voice, camoflauge suit!" she hollered through her megaphone. "I swear, I will find out once and for all where I am, if it takes forever!" Ryoga suddenly yelled. He tied his turban around his neck like a cape and ran down the hallway. "All those who dare to stop me, come forth!" "Okay, up until now this story was almost believable!" Jana groaned as she ran after Ryoga. Then Mr. Schmitz came running towards them, waving his plastic bone. Jana and Ryoga ducked into the custodian's office in order to avoid being hit. "What's going on?" Jana asked Ryoga. He shrugged. Then Rachel Porter walked in the door. "What is going on here?" she shouted, "You! Dude in the camouflage suit! Who are you? And what has happened to that dirty pig?" She continued to stomp her way through the hallway. Meanwhile Ryoga and Jana slipped out the back door and ran off to Gai's Bakery, whereupon Ryoga fished out some gold coins and they bought 20 boxes of doughnuts. As they sat eating them on the steps of Gai's Bakery, one of the doughnuts got up and leaped out of the box, and started trotting off towards a giant glass of milk, which had materialized in the parking lot. "Mother, it's good to see you again!", Ryoga cried, as he ran over to the glass of milk. "I liked him better as a pig, " Jana muttered disdainfully. "Oh, mother, haven't you made the magical elixir that turns you and Lai back into humans? It's too bad you can't do it with water, like me," Ryoga said emotionally, hugging his little sister Lai (the doughnut.) "No. We've been to the North Pole and back, but nothing seems to help. We'll have to be on our way now," the bottle of milk said in a whitish voice. "I'll miss you, mother," Ryoga said sadly as the milk and the doughnut de-materialized. Jana pinched herself. "Ryoga, what's this about a magic elixir?" "Mother and Lai need it to turn back into humans. They've been food since I was only a few years old, and it was very awkward at parent conferences and family nights. The only ingredient for it that they've found so far is the ygurono plant-the plant used to make fur in can high." "Oh, you mean the school you go to." Jana said. "No, the drug!" Ryoga retorted. "Anyway, I would help them if only I knew where I was!" "It's too bad you don't know," Jana said. "You idiot!" Ryoga yelled. "WHERE AM I?!" "I liked you better as a pig," Jana said. "Well, I wish you would just tell me who you are, and where I am!" Ryoga responded."I'm leaving!" shouted Jana. And so she did. She turned around and walked back to the dilapidated hell hole of a school, just as Mr. DeJaen came out the door. She dodged past him, and dashed into the lunchroom, which was crawling with walking doughnuts and monstrous glasses of milk. "What the--?", she exclaimed. Deciding that they must be relations of Ryoga, she walked up to a nearby doughnut and introduced herself. "Young lady, you have just got yourself a referral!" Mr DeJaen said, waddling toward Jana as fast as he could. Jana, desperate to avoid Mr. DeJaen's wrath, turned around again and ran smack into Ryoga. He fell to the cement parking-lot ground with a groan, unconscious. Jana whirled to face Mr DeJaen and started in on him with a single-leg takedown she'd learned in wrestling the day before. He fell to the ground beside Ryoga and Jana hurriedly pinned him with first a half-nelson, then a cradle. She then sat on his mountainous stomach and waved Ryoga's turban above her head. She began to sing "Rodolph etait un renne" until the security people, Mr Floyd and Ms Denini, came out, handcuffed her and dragged her away. "P-Chan!!!!!" she screamed, forgetting he'd turned into a boy named Ryoga whose mother was a glass of milk. Mr DeJaen grabbed the inert Ryoga and threw him over his shoulder, headed to the Wellness Center. Meanwhile, Jana, who had begun to sing about pigs in sweaters and toilet water, was in the secret Student Wellness Dungeon, where she was brought by the security people, being held captive by the sick and twisted Mr. Schmitz. "I've got a bone to pick with you, and your little piggy, too!" he said, rubbing his hands together evilly, "Now where is the foul swine?" Jana looked at him, terrified, and stopped singing. "I don't know!!!!!" she whined annoyingly in that popular-person type of way. Mr Schmitz rapped her smartly on the head with his plastic bone that had been excavated from Sipan in Peru. "The fate that befell the Moche will befall you as well!" he growled menacingly and picked up the ritual bloodletting knife that rested on the desk. Raising it to slit Jana's throat, suddenly . . .Ryoga jumped on him from behind and pinned him down! The blade flew into the air and missed Jana's nose by inches. "Thanks, Ryoga," Jana said. As she turned to leave the Student Wellness Dungeon, Ryoga stopped her. "Thank you? That's all you can say to your rescuer?" "I liked you better as a pig," Jana muttered as she walked away. That day at lunch, Jana was slurping Cup o' Noodles when she felt a sharp poke between her shoulder blades. It was Ryoga. "I'd just like to let you know that I hate you as if you were...a rotten egg," Ryoga said mildly. "Likewise," Jana said amiably. She started slurping again. "You mean THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY?!" Ryoga screeched so loudly that Jana almost spewed. She quickly sucked up the last clump of noodles and threw the hot water that was left at Ryoga. His suit fell into a wet heap on the floor. She pushed it aside. P-Chan was squealing. "Oh, P-Chan, you poor little thing," Jana said, picking him up. "Now, where else shall we go today?" As she turned to leave the lunchroom, she was faced with a dilemma. The popular people were having a slumber party by the door way and wouldn't let her through. She tried the other door, but all the geeks in the school were crowded around it oohing and aahing. "What's going on here?" Jana yelled. One of the geeks turned around. "Reed Schuler is demonstrating the new TI-93," he said, jumping up and down with excitement. "It has ergonomically designed buttons!" Jana decided to find a way around the geeks, but when she turned around, she tripped and she and P-Chan fell into a mosh pit! As she was tossed around, she suddenly remembered that St. Elmo's Fire had planned a concert for that day. Her thoughts were confirmed when she noticed Justin playing the electric guitar. When she finally got out of the mosh pit, she turned around and bumped into Mr. DeJaen (again). This time, however, he was not after Jana. He was chasing after Ms. Jones to inform her that Aslan was crowdsurfing again. Sure enough, Aslan was being passed around the lunchroom. He was wearing a skirt, fish nets, and a tie. He accidentally fell into the popular peoples' slumber party at one point, and landed in Rachel Porter's lap. She squealed loudly. "Get off me, you dipstick! You just smudged my lipstick!" "She's a poet and she doesn't even know it," Jana mused. Then she had a great idea about how to teach the popular people a thing or two. She looked at P-Chan. "Are you ready for this, piggie? Well...here we go!" She turned around and snuck back to the popular peoples' slumber party on the lunch room floor. Sure enough, there was Liz Bokan's make-up bag sitting right where Jana had remembered it. She bent over and snapped it up. Liz was too busy whispering something to Rachel that she didn't even notice. Jana carried the make-up bag back to her table, and quickly opened a friend's binder. She frantically searched through it until she discovered what she was looking for: super glue! Jana quickly opened the make-up bag, grabbed some lipstick, put a few dabs of glue on it, and returned the glue to where she had found it. Then she returned to the slumber party and set the bag back on top of Liz' binder. Liz saw Jana returning it and looked at her in that glazed-over idiotic look that popular people give you. Jana hurried away, and Liz replenished her lipstick generously. The tube stuck to her lips and she screamed. "Mr DeJaen, she made me superglue my lipstick to my face!!" Liz screeched. Mr DeJaen came waddling over with Aslan in tow. "Young lady, ... Don't throw things in this lunch room. Do you want me to give you lunch detention?" he demanded. "But, but . . . she . . " started Liz." I didn't throw anything, she did," said Jana, pointing at Liz, "and she was making fun of your weight!" He face got beet red and his eyes bulged, suddenly his whole body started to swell larger and larger. "How dare you?!" he screamed, now about ten feet tall. Liz tried to scream, but her lips were glued together. She lept up and tried to run, snagging her capri pants on Rachel Porter (who was sitting next to her)'s obscene and ugly high heels, and she fell flat on her face. Rachel and her slutty little elves tried to pull her, but her face had stuck to the floor! ! ! While Liz was trying to get her face off the floor, Jana decided to get away while Mr. DeJaen was distracted. She went to see Mr. Pounder, who by this time had recovered from the contaminated coffee, and was moving back into his old room that had been the special ed room. She told him that she felt sick, and he told her to go lay down on the big couch. She did that, and soon dropped off. She dreamed about a white rabbit with a pocket watch who's name was Peter, and about a crazy trial, and woke up to Mrs. Dunn and Mr. Isgur staring into her face, with a whole class of Mrs. Shadow's noisy 6th graders crowding behind them whispering 'peas and carrots, oreos and jello'. The first was screaming "Off with her head!", and the second looking faint and muttering something about a ham sandwich. The class suddenly yelled in unison "Pinch her, suppress her, off with her whiskers!". She turned around and saw her friend Oliviara, who had certain suicidal tendencies, fall out of a tree. Mr. Pounder saw this happen, and ran up to her, yelling "What do you think this is, the love boat?". Suddenly she couldn't take it any more......she screamed and took off out of the room and down the hallway, collapsing near Mr. Isgur's room. P-Chan had managed to find her and was squealing. Suddenly, everything was silent. Jana picked herself up and was dusting off her shirt when suddenly a procession of students in bow ties and cummerbunds came marching down the hallway, led by Ms. Webber and Mr. Knatt, singing the coconut song. To her horror, she saw even more students in bow ties and cummerbunds marching down the other side of the hallway towards her, wailing the coconut song loudly. Thinking quickly, she scooped up P-Chan and slipped into Ms. Nottingham's room just before the crazy orchestra and band members trampled her. She slammed the door behind her. "Watch your head!" someone suddenly screamed. Jana quickly ducked, as a flying lance barely missed her ear. She looked around and saw many familiar faces, but noticed that they were all dressed in ancient garb. Everyone was dressed up for the costume parade, and Mr. Brittain, Ben Byers, and Eric Miller had gotten a little too carried away with their Roman gladiator chest plates, and were throwing javelins. Ms. Nottingham was saying "Focus, second time, focus" over and over again, but to no avail. Suddenly, Jana was grabbed by a crazed looking lady in a purple dress named Mrs. Abhole. She was stuffed into a tight, corseted dress while Mrs. Abhole alternately made comments about Jana's bust and waist measurements, or complained about the dirty floors of the dilapidated hell hole. Suddenly, they fell through a hole in the floor to the other side of the world (some French Islands near the Indian Ocean) where Huw Edwards was about to eat breakfast, saying to himself, "There's the milk, and the coffee, and the sausage, and the butter, and the marmalade, but there's no eggs and toast! GIVE ME EGGS AND TOAST! GIVE ME EGGS! And not scrambled!" Mrs. Abhole started making fun of him, so he threw his baton at her, whereupon she turned into an alchoholic named James. James took a container of seasoning salt out of his pocket and began eating it. Jana realized that something else had fallen out of his pocket. She bent to pick it up. It turned out to be a signed note from Jesse Clevenger, which he could not live without. Suddenly, Ryoga came in through the hole, screaming "All the bagels are moldy! My cousins are dying!" He snatched the signed note from Jesse Clevenger out of Jana's hand. At that moment, the walls collapsed (from a hole that Ingrid Sabee kicked in them a long time ago) and Counselor Dave walked in, laid his hand on James' shoulder, and said, "James Torchia, you're dead." The next thing Jana saw was Mrs. Abhole laying on the floor, with Mr. Edwards listening to her heartbeat, screaming "That sounds like the pulse of a pregnant jellyfish!" Counselor Dave asked Ryoga and Jana if they would help him on his new quest to assassinate Alex Klein, the oboe coach. Ryoga said he would if Counselor Dave helped him find Fur in can high to change his family back into humans. Counselor Dave said that he would, but that the drug had better be used for that purpose, because Concerto Competition winners had been kicked out for being high or stoned, without getting to play their concertos. Jana decided to come along because she had nothing better to do, she didn't want to listen to Mr. Edwards scresaming, and Mr.DeJaen was going to give her a referrral anyway. So they set out on their journey; Jana, Ryoga, Counselor Dave, and (of course) Amadeus the rubber chicken. They had traced the oboe coach, Alex Klein, to a remote area of the Pacific Northwest - a dorm in Fort Worden State Park numbered 203. Jana, Ryoga and Amadeus were biting at the bit - all very excited to capture the treacherous oboe coach, learn where his accomplice Alain (the clarinet coach) was hiding, and to finally assasinate him and get his bead. But as they neared the rickety wooden ramp which led the way to 203, Counselor Dave had a sudden vision. Suddenly, he remembered a night far away in his past when he had forced 9 innocent teenagers, (Emily, Becky, Brandon, David, Chrix,Sarah, James, Jaime and Meg) into bed at 12:30 AM instead of letting them stay up all night on their sorrowful last day at the Marrowstone Music Festival. Dave remembered and cried, and out of his tears arose Ludwig, the long-lost rubber chicken, whom had disappeared long ago and who had evoked much grief from his many fans and admirers. Ludwig and Amadeus were reunited immediately to dine forever on the kitchen's infamous chocolate cake. They went away to Marrowstone Island to be forever happy, and it was all good. Now that Counselor Dave had forgiven himself for his awful, horrific, inhumane and cowardly past actions, he stormed up to the boy's zoo with Jana and Ryoga, screaming like a castrating mule all the way up the stairs. But what he found at the top shocked him: there was no one there. All three brave assassins stormed the closets and overturned the bunk beds, but there was no one to be found. In the depths of despair, they all howled and bawled in woe for nearly 3 hours. But then Ryoga heard something with his ultra-spiffoid, ultra-sensitive ears. It was coming from the girl's zoo. They all tiptoed silently across the neutral zone and into the forbidden girl's domain. Dave turned the doorknob and...Crash! Squeak! Crack! Bang! Screeeeeeech!!! Huw Edwards was conducting an orchestra within the walls of the girl's zoo! He beat his baton on the stand wildly and shouted out commands: "Flutes!!!! You're as flat as the road from Chicago to Omaha! Kindly tune your rusty tin whistles to a higher A. TUBA!!! You're tiptoeing through the measures like the little girl on the can of Morton's salt - give me flesh, give me flesh!! Carl, does it say Ad Lib in your part? And cellos - none of that scratchy, squawky playing! Give me tohne, beautiful tohne. I don't want to see the dirty kitchen and the filthy dishes - I just want the beautifully prepared meal. Tohne! Again - B - as in Be in Tune!!!!" The orchestra began to play once more - melodious melodies rang out through the violin's f-holes and the little bell-shaped thingies on the ends of the clarinets and oboes. Dave searched the orchestra. Suddenly his knees buckled, and he collapsed on the floor! Jana and Ryoga rushed to see what was wrong, and were shocked out of their minds - Alain and Alex Klein were playing in the orchestra!!