I have created this page for a place for me to write about
life after a loss and how I have gone about surviving after
the shock has wore off. I plan on writing from time to time
about my thoughts. I also want to share music that has touched
me, and perhaps maybe even some more of my own writings.
The graphics on this page, including the background, are from
a photographer, Lisa Jane Murphey, whose work has been a
comfort to me, as well as a few others work too.
10/25/00- One year ago today, was to be one of the happiest days in my life. I was going in to have an ultrasound to find out the sex
of the child who was to be our second Earth child. Instead of happily learning we were having a girl
and going home to celebrate, I sat in the doctor's office being introduced to the world of Skeletal
Dysplasia. I sat there learning about her devastating deformaties. Instead of preparing for a sister for
my daughter to love, we began preparing our hearts for the heartbreak that she could be going to
Heaven, instead of coming home. My life was forever changed that day. The innocence I once knew
was lost in an instance. I will never know a care free pregnancy again, and will forever know firsthand
what it feels like to have thoughts of, am I going to have to chose to take her life so she never hurts, or
will it be done for me. That day I knew that no matter what happened, I was going to be grieving,
because that day I began to grieve for my healthy child, and the dreams I had for her.
If she were to live, she would never walk, let alone run. That day, I
became a mother of a child who would have a severe disability and multiple deformaties in the best
case scenario. The worse case scenario for me, was the best case for her. She could become an
angel and live with God with no hurt and no deformaties. My heart was torn between two horrible
realities. Either way, my life would be forever changed.
Wow, what a difference one year makes. One year can make or break you. One year can be hard to
make it through without someone to lean on. Thank God I have had my friends and husband to lean on this "One
Year". Today, as I remember what happened last year at my ultrasound appointment, I am going to be
downstairs from the room I found out that awful news about my second daughter. Today, I have my
six week postpartum checkup from my third daughter. What a odd thing to be doing today this one
year later. Last year, I never would have dreamed how my life would be one year from then.
All I could see was two inches in front of me, hurt and heartache, anger and sorrow. Today, one year
later, I still miss her, my heart still longs for her, and I know I will always think of her. But today, with
the magical way time, the love of friends, and God can heal, I am celebrating the life of our third
daughter.
9/15/00- (From Birth Announcement) Baby Sequoyia "Stormie" born 9/11/00. She is beautiful.
I can't believe how much we love her already. We are just thrilled to have her. She is so
petite and beautiful. The perfect addtion to our home.
8/31/00- I had my last ultrasound yesterday. She moved a whole lot, and it was
wonderful to see. The tech printed out some cute shots of Sequoyia, one where
she looks like she has a slight grin. After the scan, I went and spoke with my high risk doctor.
The first thing we did was to review Eternity's images. This was my first time to see them since
her diagnosis last year. It was so much worse than he could have ever explained.
Definitely easy to see the breakage, and deformaties in her legs and feet. After seeing them, I can say,
I would so much rather my heart break and have to live without her, than for her ever feel those ouchies.
I will probably need a few days to mull over my feelings, but it was the last step I needed to take with
her, that I felt was necessary for me to go on.
7/21/00- I feel mostly okay now when talking about Eternity, but
there are those dark places of hurt that still exist in my soul. Maybe there will
always be some dark areas. We'll see.
4/5/00- Had another ultrasound today. Basically everything went great. The
high risk doctor was finally able to see the baby. He gradually seemed
happier each time that he saw a long straight bone. Then the baby kicked hard
and moved and they got an awesome view of the lower limbs. I saw it too. Great lower legs.
The doctor told me he thinks we are dealing with a totally different situation this time.
They tried to see the sex of the baby, but weren't able to tell for certain yet. Both the tech and
doctor have a guess, but won't tell me. Doctor said, " I don't want you to be disappointed
if I am wrong". Obviously he thinks he has an idea of what I want, but there is no
guessing on what he means. He could mean boy, but on the other hand, does he
think I want a girl because that is what Eternity was?
3/25/00- I am currently 15 weeks along with a little one. I have already had two
ultrasounds, and so far the baby is not showing any signs of the skeletal dysplasia that afflicted
Eternity. My next scan is in 11 days.
3/14/00- I had my first OB appointment today. They tried to hear the heartbeat, but no luck because mommy's
pulse was so fast. I was so nervous. They grabbed the u/s machine, and there he/she was
moving around with a little fast heartbeat. Everything is fine, and looking good.
3/1/00- I actually made it through yesterday. I kept myself busy around the house cleaning all day,
so not to really think about it. I put the angel statue out in the garden. It looked beautiful last night
with the flood lights shining on it. I lit a candle for her too, and baked her a white cake. I cried everytime
I saw a newscast about leap day babies. How I wish I was happily greeting her yesterday. It still makes me
sad and angry. I just wanted her.
2/29/00- Eternity was due today.
1/14/00- I took an HPT test today. It was positive! I can't believe it. I am scared, excited, happy, worried, and on and on.
I am trying to concentrate on the good right now, instead of the other possibilities. Right now I am keeping this to very
few people. I am just about five weeks now, and definitely not out of the woods.
1/1/00- 1999 has ended! 2000 is here. YEAH! We leave behind the tradgedy, and look forward
to a new year. We hope to add a new baby to our family, a healthy baby. Eternity, you were
not here a long time, but you were a gift the time you were here, and we love you.
12/20/99- I should be 30 weeks pregnant today. Some moments can be rough. Today Eternity
has been on my mind most of the day. I miss her, and can't believe that she is in Heaven and
not here sometimes. Will I ever feel like my heart is whole again? Right now there is such a void.
I miss her. I miss her so very much.
12/5/99- Today we brought Eternity home, one month after her death. What a bittersweet moment.
I finally feel I have a sense of closure. The urn for her remains is beautiful. It is small, white, and has
a beautiful white angel on the top. Absolutely perfect for her. Tonight I lit a single candle for her, and
let it burn out on it's own. I placed her urn next to the picture that symbolizes her to me.
11/26/99- I have been so sad today. Just tearful all day. I sit here trying to remain strong for Jason and Sierra.
I know God is carrying me through this, but I still feel the heavy load. God I give this to you.
Please carry this burden of grief that is weighing me down, and make me strong enough to
endure this emotional pain I feel. Tonight I gave Eternity her second middle name, so she
also has two like Sierra. I plan to keep it between God and myself. It symbolizes God's promises
for the future, and is what I will not lose as long as I have God.
11/15/99- Ugh! Feeling lousy! It's after two in the morning. The past few days it seems as though the
grief is worse than it was in the begining. Maybe it is hormone fluctuations, who knows, but I am so,
so sad. I hurt so much inside. I want my baby back. I am getting those feelings of wanting to
hurry up and get pregnant right away already. I can say all day long that it is because I want a
baby to fill our lives, but the truth is that I am just wanting Eternity back, and no baby could ever replace her, not ever.
It is hard for me to realize she isn't coming back, and to learn to accept it. I am so disappointed. I was
looking forward to having another child around for our daughter Sierra. I know she would have enjoyed having a sister.
My girls would have been close in age like my sisters and I are. I wanted that closeness for her. She is so
young, and has no idea of the loss that has happened to her. I don't know if I feel worse for me, or for her.
11/13/99- I miss my sweet Eternity Aziza moving in my body. How I just wish that I could have her as
a healthy, happy baby. This is so far from my dreams that I had for this baby, and my life. I am so disappointed
that I will never hold her, at least here on Earth. I miss her kicks and her thumps. I wonder about her.
I think of her looks, and try to imagine what she looks like. It still hurts tremendously.
How I wish I could turn back time to be happily waiting for a new baby to join the family.
Instead, I sit here trying to make sense of it.
10/31/99- I am 22 weeks pregnant with our second daughter. She has major problems that are evident
by ultrasound. She has fractures in 5 of the six bones in her legs. The doctor says only
time will tell if she will live or die. He cannot even speculate on how we can fix what is wrong
if she lives. I am so scared right now. My heart is breaking. I do so love her already, even though
I have not held her. I don't want her to have a terrible life. How am I going to see her suffer everyday?
Right now things are so uncertain. I am having trouble finding the strength to go on each day.
My heart breaks each time I feel her move, as I know of her deformaties. I wonder why her.
All I can do is cry with each kick.
Photos by Lisa Jane Murphey
MY HEART WILL GO ON - Sung by Celine Dion
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
There is some love that will not go away
You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Lyrics By : James Horner & Will Jennings
Artwork by Dona Gelsinger
Why God Made Little Girls
God made the world with its towering trees,
majestic mountains and restless seas,
then paused and said, "It needs one more thing
someone to laugh and dance and sing,
to walk in the woods and gather flowers,
to commune with nature in the quiet hours."
So God made little girls with laughing eyes
and bouncing curls, with joyful hearts and infectious smiles,
enchanting ways and feminine wiles,
and when he'd completed the task he'd begun,
he was pleased and proud of the work he'd done,
For the world, when seen through little girls' eyes,
greatly resembles paradise.
Author Unkown
Photo by Lisa Jane Murphey
Photo by Lisa Jane Murphey
