We have things that race through our mind as we drift off to sleep. These thin, filmy traces of brilliance that if we could but catch them and write them down we could bring ourselves to a higher place. We could evolve. But we drift and dream and these thoughts escape us for the most part and we trundle on - unenlightened - a near miss brought about by our own biological processes. It is here that I find my thoughts to bring to you.
I lay at night on a soft matress, covered in layers of down comforters. Beside me I listen to my lover breathing - softly lowering himself into sleep. Although I should feel warm and at ease in the soft nest he has prepared I am feeling uncomfortable. My eyes stare at the dark walls. I am feeling the change. As my body goes off the pill and the cycle continues I can feel the change wash over me. That gentle pressure of the ovaries as the tide turns to reject what they worked so hard to produce. But this night is different from the countless nights before. For the first time in my life I wish that HE could feel this. Not a vengeful, 'God I wish this upon him' kind of feeling, but a more subtle, quiet, 'I wish I could share this with him' feeling. I wish that I could show him what it is like to feel such power and such powerlessness in one aching moment. I breath in and out meeting his rythm. We can be so one at times, he and I, and yet we are so fundamentally different in our approach to life. For one moment I wish that he could feel the surge of life that my body cries with and dies with. But the moment passes and the chance is lost...forgotten with all the others.
In the morning he will be busy with his working world and his pursuit of plan. I know this as I lay here with potent knowledge of lost purpose. He fears the change that I can bring and ardently defends his path.
I find myself looking at life differently as I age. I evaluate and analyze motives and possibilities as if to protect my future from the wastefulness of this current direction. Intellectually I say to myself, "If not him - then another", but emotionally I think quietly, "If not him - then what direction will I take from here?" I have never thought of myself as childless. I always assumed that one day it would fall into place and the time would be right. The years slipped by and there was never a good and whole place for a child in my life. There isn't one now. I lay there curled around my lover, seeking comfort, wishing that time could carve a place for us. All these things I feel as my body shifts and changes to give up another fight in the long battle to bring forth. I lay there drifting to sleep knowing that these things will slip from me in the morning if I don't commit them to conscious, waking thought...
