W-O-M-A-N
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so
don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in
the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear
them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to
trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill
it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why
soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants
to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's
a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they
don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three
people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to
gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing.
It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they
wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the
shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that
allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of
how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes
and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll
pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what
she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea
about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there
in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men
just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
RETURN TO THE HUMOR SCOPE
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting
lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall
asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means
that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man a women sees is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it
does in man- language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the
direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really
have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can
probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into
the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women
seek equality with men until it comes to sharing
the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet
cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up
thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys.
(which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a
flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left
the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to
the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert
Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see
straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and
spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking
out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the
same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's
another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
RETURN TO THE HUMOR SCOPE