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Miss Smith, a teacher in a school in Liverpool, says to Melissa, "Where's the Eiffel Tower, Melissa?" "I don't freakin' know, do I? Weren't me as nicked it." "Right, you bring your mother in tomorrow. I'm telling her you said that." So the next day Melissa's mother comes to see the teacher. 'Why did you want to see me, Miss Smith?" "Your daughter, when I asked her where the Eiffel Tower was, told me, and
these were her exact words: "I don't freakin' know, do I? Weren't me as nicked it."
'Well, Miss Smith, she's been going through a hard time what with her Dad bein' took off to prison and all, but I can tell you this. Whether she nicked it, or whether she didn't nick it, she didn't bring it 'ome, at any rate." In dismay, Miss Smith goes walking down the corridor shaking her head. The headmaster sees her and says, 'Whatever is the matter?" 'Well, Mr. Parkins, I just can't get over the ignorance of some of the children in my class and their parents. When I asked Melissa Kelly where the Eiffel Tower was, she said she didn't know because she hadn't stolen it, and then her mother tells me that she doesn't know whether or not she stole it,
but she didn't take it home. I mean, I ask you!"
'Hmmn, yes Miss Smith. I think we have a definite problem. Isn't Melissa Kelly that ginger haired girl with the pierced nose?" "Yes, headmaster, that's her." "Well. it's beyond hope then. If she's got it, that's the last you'll see of it."
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of
them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday."
After giving the woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. "Take the green pill with a glass of water after getting up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then, before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."
"Exactly what is my problem, doctor?" the woman asked.
"You're not drinking enough water," he said.
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, you were fine?" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling?"
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises. The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills." "Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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