Originally posted in three parts to alt.tv.red-dwarf on 31 Jul 1995
A three-part post! This is the second multi-part post that I've done in two days! I'm pooped!
Okay, a couple of you asked for it, I never thought my Twilight Zone Era label for season five of Red Dwarf would cause such a stir! {grin} In any case, here are the opening and closing lines for each episode in the season five. Oh, as a bonus, I included a Twilight Zone-like intro and closing for season six's "Out of Time," since the episode seems to be more in the spirit of season five in some ways.
Remember the deal folks! Praise happily accepted and flames cheerfully ignored....
HOLOSHIP
Opening Monologue:
Cue scene:
The Boyz have just finished watching a sappy romance on Starbug. Rimmer and Lister engage in a debate about how such movies are unrealistic.
Cue lines:
_Rimmer_: Not realistic! As if! (He turns to go into Starbug's cockpit.)
_Lister_ (to Kryten): He's got no soul, man. No soul!
Camera pans and where Kryten is supposed to be. Instead of Kryten, Rod Serling is standing there and facing the camera. Lines as follows:
"Portrait of a little man with big dreams, one Arnold J. Rimmer by name. A computer ghost cursed to wander through a physical universe where there are no barriers to the body or to the mind. A man for whom a physical touch is an impossible dream and who feels the cut of words as if they were knives. A bitter man who's never been able to capture realities more intangible than himself -- a noble profession, success, acceptance and love. Up ahead, a meeting with all his desires, an entrance that leads to opportunity and...The Twilight Zone...."
Closing monologue:
Cue scene:
Rimmer has handed in his resignation to the Enlightenment and makes ready to return to Red Dwarf.
Cue line:
_Rimmer_: Oh, and sir, you're wrong, we won't be apart, we just won't be together. (Makes horrible face) I *cannot* believe I just said that.
As Rimmer leaves the Enlightenment's drive room, Rod Serling is seen framed by the doorframe. Lines as follows:
"Thus marks one ending for Arnold J. Rimmer, a man who would have done anything to have his biggest dreams come true, including lie, cheat and steal. Everything, that is, except kill. When given his wishes on a silver plater, he found he was unwilling to accept the sacrifice, proving once and for all that there is hope for men such as him...in The Twilight Zone...."
THE INQUISITOR
Opening Monologue:
Cue scene:
The Inquisitor has just erased Tomas Allman from existence and has replaced him with someone more "worthy" of the gift of life.
Cue line:
_Inquisitor_: Sorry to disturb you, sir. Reality control.
As the Inquisitor fades out of existence, camera pans back to the new addition to reality. Rod Serling stands in the foreground while the new Tomas looks very confused. Lines as follows:
"Ask yourself whether you have a purpose, what your role is in the vast Play that is Life, where your portrait sits in the Tapestry of the Universe. Such questions have haunted man from the dawn of time and will follow him to time's grave. Wise men and fools alike have sought those answers only to find themselves facing a terrifying silence. Now imagine searching for those answers as if your very reality depended on it. The only way to find them would be see the twilight of your existence in a zone of the same name...."
Closing Monologue:
Cue scene:
Rimmer, Cat and Kryten have just blinked back into existence. Kryten congratulates Lister on his plan working.
Cue line:
_Lister_: Give you five? I can do better than that. (Pulls hand out of his jacket.) I can give you 15.
Camera pans to the right. Rod Serling is standing where the Inquisitor has disappeared. Lines as follows:
"Each man remains the captain of his own soul, the pilot to his own destiny. In the end, life is what you make of it and justification for existence depends on whether you believe that it's all been worthwhile. A truth for all men, be they saints and sinners, rich or poor, living and dead. A lesson in total equality and absolute justice that can only be learned...in The Twilight Zone...."
TERRORFORM
Opening Monologue:
Cue scene:
Kryten has just sent his hand off for help and had gone off line in an explosion of static.
Rod Serling starts taking form in the static and finally resolves into solid form. Lines as follows:
"It's the site of a devestating crash and the epicenter of a mystery. A mechanical man left all alone in the nightmare of another man's mind. Very shortly, his help will come and together they will face the subjective reality of one man's existence laid bare for all to see. The journey has already begun, all it takes is a deceptively short, final step over the threshold of...The Twilight Zone...."
Closing Monologue:
Cue scene:
Lister, Kryten and Cat have just managed to escape the psi-moon by convincing Rimmer that they actually like him.
Cue lines:
_Rimmer_ (sounding hopeful): All that hugging stuff back there. It was just a way of escaping, wasn't it? I mean you didn't really feel that deep down I'm an Okay sort of bloke. That I'm not really such a bad ol' stick once you get to know me. You really didn't mean any of that, did you?
_Lister, Kryten, Cat_ (together): No.
Camera pans to Rod Serling, who's apparantly standing right in the crowded cockpit, though the other four actors are out shot. Lines as follows:
"Welcome to the mental landscape reality of one Arnold J. Rimmer, a man who sees a creature beyond redemption every time he looks in the mirror, whose very self image is so overshadowed by the monster living in his mind that when he captures a glimmer of a brighter truth out of the corner of his eye, he's unable to believe that it's really there. He fails to grasp the simple fact that the actions of others speak louder than their words, no matter how loud they shout. The proof is that he's lived to tell this particular tale. The monster may have been temporarily defeated, but it continues to grow and feed in the hidden shadows of his soul. A monster that will follow him even when he leaves...the Twilight Zone...."
QUARENTINE
Opening Monologue:
Cue scene:
Lister, Cat and Kryten are arguing with Rimmer over adding Dr. Lanstrom to the crew and shutting him off.
Cue lines:
_Rimmer_ (Coldly furious): You're merely a mechanoid, that's all you are merely. Don't ever forget it. (He storms off.)
_Kryten_: A shmee-...A shmee-...What a shmee-heeeeeee-
Camera pans to Rimmer's old position where he took his stand with his back *literally* against the wall. Rod Serling is now standing there. Lines are as follows:
"Scene of an argument in progress. A man is asked to give up his life so another might live to take his place. A someone who is, in fact, a stranger and completely unknown to all in the room. An argument that will continue long after the point of this exercise becomes moot. An argument that will escalate into a life-or-death struggle featuring weapons from...The Twilight Zone..."
Closing Monologue:
Cue scene:
Rimmer wakes up in the quarentine unite and demands to know where he is and what happened.
Cue lines:
_Rimmer_: What happened? Where am I?
_Cat_: Quarentine.
_Lister_ (As Cat, Kryten and himself suddenly appear dressed in the same gingham dresses that Rimmer wore during his madness.): But don't worry, we're here to entertain ya! (Trio starts dancing and making squawking noises.)
Camera pans to a point in between Rimmer's sick bed and the window where Lister, Kryten and Cat are putting on their show. Rod Serling looks into the camera. Lines are as follows:
"And so one argument ends, but not without the obligatory lessons learned by all parties concerned. One side learns 'tis better to stay with the devil you know, while another learns that sometimes revenge, especially revenge served in the heat of anger, can backfire in the most unexpected of ways. Lessons that will no doubt be forgotten during the next argument, already in progress, as they leave...The Twilight Zone...."
DEMONS AND ANGELS
Opening Monologue:
Cue scene:
Red Dwarf has blown up in a flash of light, leaving the Boyz stranded on Starbug.
Cue line:
_Lister_: Nothing's gonna happen. We're just here as a precaution. The whole ship's full of failsafes anyway, coolant systems, containment panels, vacuum sheilds. The actual chances of it blowing are about one in...(Explosion rocks Starbug. Lister looks sick.)
Camera pans to the rear portion of Starbug where Rod Serling is standing. Lines are as follows:
"Our focus tonight is a tiny group of individuals left homeless by a catastrophy, an explosion sparked by an experiment gone wrong. An explosion and an experiment that has left ripples echoing across this tiny corner of the Universe, ripples that will capture this quartet and carry them to a place where they will come face to face with mirror images distorted by their trip into reality. A meeting that can only take place where the edges of inner space meet...The Twilight Zone...."
Closing Monologue:
Cue scene:
Cat has just killed the "evil" Lister and picked up the remote control device that controls the "real" Lister:
Cue lines:
_Cat_ (Picking up remote control): Wait, wait, wait. Just give me one week. That's all I ask.
_Lister_ (Through clenched teeth): What are you talking about?
(Cat fiddles with controls. Lister starts slapping himself as Cat and Rimmer look delightedly on.)
_Cat_ (Gleefully): This is going to be fun.
Camera pans into Starbug's cockpit and to Rod Serling. Lines are as follows: "A witness to what happens when light seperates from dark, when the better angels of human nature divorce their demonic mates and the people caught in between them. People who contain this volatile mixture within themselves, who draw on the character traits and flaws to survive the day, shadow people always suspended between "good" and "evil." The speculations aren't new, nor are the conclusions contained in tonght's lesson. Instead, the proof is offered, special delivery direct from...The Twilight Zone...."
BACK TO REALITY
Opening Monologue:
Cue scene:
Rimmer is alone in Starbug, transmitting information from a derelect ship to Lister, Cat and Kryten who are walking into the S.S. Esperanto. The explorers stop to consider this information.
Cue lines:
_Cat_: Wait a minute! I got it! Don't fish swim south for the winter?
_Kryten_: That's birds, sir.
_Cat_: Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?
Lister shakes his head has he turns to follow Kryten and Cat our of the airlock and into the main body of the ship. Camera pans to where they entered and settles on Rod Serling. Lines are as follows:
"Consider this: four unlikely creatures stumbling their way from one adventure to the next. The last human alive, a creature evolved from a Cat, a mechanoid who constantly fights the urge to clean and a hologram who is afraid to die again. In a moment, they will find out a horrible truth, that they are participants in a collective hallucination that bears no resemblance to the reality they've known thus far, where they will be to decide whether the personalities they wear still fit. Let the unmasking begin as they enter...The Twilight Zone...."
Closing monologue:
Cue scene: The Boyz have recovered from their Suicide Squid hallucination and are heading back to Red Dwarf. They discuss the collosal blunder that resulted in the Suicide Squid's creation. Cue line: _Rimmer_: Kryten, no one likes a smart-alek andriod. Hit the retros, please. Starbug takes off in a flash of light. Camera pans down into the Esperanto, where we see Rod Serling watching the last of Starbug's light fade. He turns to face the camera. Lines are as follows: "Submitted for your approval, a human, a Cat, a mechanoid and a hologram, safe back in the comfortable familiarity of their lives, feeling every inch men who've just awakened from a nightmare as they share the relief of returning to reality...or have they? For whether they believe it or not, they are still hopelessly trapped in a game. A game that may well be a videogame pumped directly into the mind, the game of life or even a game in which neither reality holds true and resides solely in the imagination of a few individuals in their own shared hallucination. An unanswerable mystery, even in...The Twilight Zone...." Special edition to this little experiment: Season Six, Out Of Time... OUT OF TIME Opening Monolgue: Cue scene: Rimmer has just finished harranging his crewmates during his "morale" speach and has left the room. Cue lines: _Rimmer_: ...Well, I think that's cleared the air. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better and thank you for your contributions, gentlemen. Hope to see you at next week's morale meeting. Marvelous! Rimmer flees the room and the camera pans down to the foot of the stairs where Rod Serling is watching Rimmer disappear upstairs. He turns to face the camera. Lines are as follows: "Portrait for four men trapped on something that's little more than a rusty tin can in deep space. In this tight little area, they are running out of food, fuel, power and more importantly patience...with each other. All feel entangled in the mundane reality of their existence, a boredom that can only be broken by the shared moments of sheer terror as they once again attempt to outrace Death, who seems to be closing from behind even as salvation continues to speed away from them up ahead. A seemingly endless track that these four would give anything to escape. Well, the race is about to end here, though the finish line exists only in...The Twilight Zone...." Closing Monologue: Cue scene: Rimmer has just watched all three of his crewmates die as their future selves continue to attack Starbug. He grabs a bazookoid and races down to the engine decks, where he takes aim and the time drive and fires. As the dying embers of Starbug spread out into space, Rod Serling's voice is heard, voiceover only. Lines are as follows: "Behold the story of a key. A key to an escape route and a life of ease and plenty, a key to view the future and participate in the past, a menu of opportunities that boggle the scope of imagination. The price, the souls of four creatures who have nothing to lose but everything to gain in the trade. But when presented with the bill, they found the price too high and refused it. The ultimate price of refusal may well have been their lives, though there are no witnesses willing to say for sure. Regardless of the outcome, it is a story that has earned a permanent place on the bookshelves of...The Twilight Zone...."
Well, whaddya all think? I'm pooped...{grin} {Liz wipes sweat from brow...} Liz ;)
