Written , Jon Poole
who pleads the headaches and can be contacted at jon@apathy.demon.co.uk
All typos are mine and mine alone and are (tm) apathy enterprises
All Copyright of characters to Grant Naylor (without the Grant) productions.
This is not suitable for anyone of any disposition and: People who don't like nipple rings; The French; anyone who _liked_ RDVII;
Charles Daniels (well, he's not suitable for anything really); Yaks, Monkeys and all Apes (apart from certain Gibbons); Americans; Britons; The French (on general principles); People who aren't fed up with Di-mania; Conservatives, Republicans and Members of the MCC, Wimbledon finalists; Electric Elks, spell-checkers; The French; Jennifer Aniston admirers; People who laugh at 'Saved By The Bell'; Copywrite lawyers; Volvo drivers; OAPs; Service Mechanoids; Anyone who owns any song produced by Hanson in any way, shape of form; People who know, understand and like Chaucer and The French.
Thanks to Amy and Sam Hewson for their support... I shall wear it always
mix to:
(STARBUG int. KONCHANSKI is sitting wearing nipple clips, leather get up and other bondage gear (god, improvement on the red latex – DN). KRYTEN is standing behind her giving her the V-sighn. CAT enters.
CAT
Hey officer-Bud babe ( pause for laughter);nice threads, howsit going Kryten, it must really suck having a head shaped like that (pause for laughter) . [CAT sits down] So, where's our own fashion guru.
KRYTEN
Mr Lister is doing something for ME, not for her, for ME, [Puts his tongue out at KOCHANSKI] (pause for laughter)
KOCHANSKI
Really?, I thought he was back on the Dwarf helping to sort my underwear out (pause for laughter)
[KRYTEN is lost for words, CLOSE UP on his shocked face, linger for comediec value.]
[Pan round to see a 2 metre high projection of HOLLY's head floating round the room]
CAT
HOLLY
MIX TO:
[Red Dwarf bunk-room - it is completely redesigned, Lister has a six foot blow-up model of a 'Stop Racism Now' Poster (Yes, this new 'moral' slant to the show is good - DN) LISTER is sorting through a pile of womens underwear]
LISTER
[HOLLY materialises in the middle of the room]
HOLLY
LISTER
HOLLY
LISTER
HOLLY
[CLOSE UP of LISTER's face, he looks shocked, jumps off the bunk he's lying on and runs out]
MIX TO:
[Corridors: Lots of shots of LISTER running about, jerk the camera about so you can tell we're not doing it on stage any more (I want to show I've seen NYPD blue! - DN)]
MIX TO:
[Tractor Beam Room: LISTER runs in and grabs a big control-joystick and wobbles it around]
MIX TO:
[STARBUG ext: Nice flashey rays of weapons fire blaze around, CAT and KOCHANSKI look shocked, KRYTEN has resumed his gesticulating at KOCHANSKI, he looks shocked for a moment then continues]
MIX TO:
[Tractor Beam Room: CLOSE UP on LISTER, he is biting his lip in concentration] Ooo, tension, I love it! - DG)
MIX TO:
[STARBUG ext: A yellow beam grabs the Bug and pulls it back toward Red Dwarf But (oh it gets better and better! - DG) a super- invincible Kinitawawe cruiser appears and starts attacking the dwarf]
Mix TO:
[Tractor Beam Room: Lister moves the Tractor beam thingey]
MIX TO:
[STARBUG ext: The yellow beam moves from the bug to the Kinitawawe cruiser, grabs the craft and smashes it into a planetoid]
MIX To:
[STARBUG int:]
CAT ,br>
Ooo, I bet they're real pissed off.
KOCHANSKI
KRYTEN
[RED DWARF cabin int: KRYTEN is tearing up KOCHANSKI's underwear. CAT is pointing at him and laughing, KOCHANSKI and LISTER are to one side arguing]
LISTER
KOCHANSKI
LISTER (cheeky chappy mode)
KOCHANSKI
(NB: Essential BBC sound effects CDI, track 14 - Maniacal laughter is very good and should totally remove the need for an audiance at all! - DN)
MIX TO:
[RED DWARF cabin int:
HOLLY
KRYTEN (blubbling)
HOLLY
(This following dialogue must be added if we are to sell to America - DN)
LISTER
KOCHANSKI
KRYTEN
LISTER
[All leave apart from Kryten who turns to the camera]
KRYTEN
MIX TO:
[RED DWARF CORRIDOR: LISTER and KOCHANSKI are walking along]
LISTER
KOCHANSKI
LISTER
KOCHANSKI
LISTER
(Wait a minute, who added this? I didn't write this... what's this a note on the table "You arse, I knew you'd ruin it - RG"... it's not fair... all I ever wanted to do was write for Star Trek, you know nice Stories. Stories with nice, unbeliveable characters, stories where you can rely on a moral and nice Americans .. and I thought I had that chance... - DN)
MIX TO:
[AR SUITE CONTROL ROOM: KRYTEN picks up a disc marked 'Rimmer' and sniggers, he mutters something about Kochanski and places the disc in the machine.]
MIX TO:
[AR SUITE: CAT, KOCHANSKI and LISTER are all sat down in the suite, which has changed again and now looks like the set of 'Telly Addicts' complete with fake Noel Edmonds.]
MIX TO:
[AR HALLUCINATION DICKENS WORLD: THE GANG are all sat round a table, with them sits a character from the BBC's sterling Drama production of 'Martin Chuzzlewit' (Flash up '£16.99 from all good retailers' just to get the message accross - DN)
CHARACTER
KOCHANSKI
[There is a flash of light and RIMMER appears, in full Hard Light uniform, he strides up and down the set like a fashion model. I suggest that we leave at least 10 minutes of riotous applause, whistling and the like (BBC-ESE-CD Track 17-22 on repeat should do)
ALL apart from RiMMER
MIX TO:
[AR SUITE CONTROL ROOM - KRYTEN laughs hysterically]
KRYTEN
MIX TO:
[AR SUITE: All run out (apart from the Noel Edmonds dummy). Rimmmer follows them]
HOLLY V/O
[MIX TO:
All in the cabin, RIMMER faces them smiling]
RIMMER
[All turn to screen, freeze in look of shock horror]
Credits (Oh dear, that is just soo excellent, just the new look we're after - DN)
(I've decided we should have those oh-so-amusing 'as credits run' things like what they have in Freinds.. in fact we can make it just like the old series 1&2, dialogue driven!)
So
[RED DWARF CABIN int]
RIMMER
HOLLY
RIMMER
HOLLY
RIMMER
HOLLY
RIMMER
HOLLY
(Oh, I don't know how I come up with them - DN)
Cyber Bat’s message
Hey Bud, what's happened to your head,
A dimensional pandklap shift gave me this power. I can now appear like this anywhere. [Another close up on HOLLY's face to show that we can do very impressive computer-things now] (This is great! I was in condition when I wrote this! - DN)
Hey, Hol
Yes Dave?
Are cups the same as cups you drink out of? [Holds up a bra]
Cor, blimey, strike a light dave dude, it's all happenin' here and no mistake.
What is?
Kinetawawe Gelf cruisers, nine of them, all powered with dimension- shifting hurding rays, if you don't do something Cat and the rest will be destroyed! Go to the tractor beam room quickly
Yes, (pause) bit of a rocky landing (pause for laughter)
Oh shut up. (pause for laughter )
So this other Dave, is he, like a really good shag?
Yes (Hell, it's a continuity error, but who's going to give a toss, only a few simple minded flame-freaks on the 'Internet' - DN)
D'you reckon I would be then.
No [pause for laughter, LISTER turns to Camera and makes a funny face]
What's happening dudes?
She's seducing him again
Oh Blimey, is he still whinging on, you'd have thought he'd have something better to do. (Cut this line out, I think it might give the audiance the wrong idea - DN) So, who wants to go to the AR suite, it's real fun.
Gee, yes
Yeah, we've gotten a great new game for it! Dickensian Treats, a Chuz-el-wit's (smiles at having got the word right) delight!
Boo-hoo
Gee... sounds like it could be fun?
I'll Fix that harraden (Change to 'Bitch' it is unlikely that anyone watching will know what a harraden is... we might do as well to cut all words over 2 syllables just to be on the safe side - DN)
You know, I think that compassion is so important, particularly as we are all the last few beings alive in an infinite cosmos, that was always the trouble and has been a major part of the show for a long time now
Yes, but what about the Gelfs
Ahh, well, we still have the desperation of the Last man in space...
Until I came along
Umm, yes we still have the unbeatable dialogue between myself and Ri..( turns to camera) why do we carry on?
Gosh, e'faith, is liken 'ee to a smiddock in winter (It's Shakespeare not Dickens, but we're not expecting anyone who knows that to watch)
Oh, gosh, aren't you naughty [flicks him with her nipple ring]
OH NO!!!!
That'll teach you, you doggone bitch!
It's a malfunction in the Time/scoop/artificial gimboline drive.. oh no.
Hello guys and gals
So I'm a hologram again?
Yes
And snooty Kochanski's back?
Yes
And Kryten and the Cat are still here?
Yes
And you're back
Cor, blimey I wish Kryten'd never woken him up.
I think his opinions are the funniest thing in this piece!!
<..>
