©2003 By J. Nicholas Lewis
Another day, another hell, I rolled over in bed and slowly opened my eyes to the sight of little green gremlins dancing as though they were ballerinas upon the moon around my room’s ceiling. “Hi! Ho! Hi! Ho! It’s off to hell we go! La laa laa laaa! La la laa laa laa! Hi! Ho! Hi! Ho!” the gremlins sang. God damn it, I thought, every time! Ever time I get up; that same song.
My murky eyes gazed glumly around my room and for some disgustingly morbid reason the most irritating song sought by man –OOPS! I did it again by that presumptuous-pestilent-revolting Justin Timberlake screwing harlot, Britney spears, who sounds like she’s whining when she sings and doesn’t even write her own lyrics—repeated over and over throughout my mind, its pollution slowly eating my brain cells away with its cheesy lyrics and monotonous beat. I should’ve attempted to push the deleterious ordeal out of my mind, but I was far too tired and indolent to even begin to consider the notion of trying.
I lifted the blankets from my body and struggled to sit up. My body was sore. My stomach felt as if I had just eaten a sulfur feast. The dry taste in my mouth was analogous to the taste of a grotesque concoction of lima beans, regurgitation, and cafeteria food. I rubbed my eyes and looked up to see the one and only thing that could put a smile upon my somber face… the sight of the most beautiful woman in the world.
There she was, the dazzling, absolutely gorgeous Mistress of the Dark… Elvira! All six feet of her, with her voluptuous creamy white breasts, which were damn near dropping out of her tight black dress, pointing right at me. Her breasts were not just any ordinary breasts. They were breasts that you’d want to stuff your face into and spend about a week hibernating in them. They were breasts that you’d want to grab and have her pull you around like a dog on a leash wherever she went because they are so indescribably beautiful that you can’t keep your hands and eyes off them. I’ll tell you, if she flung out those love pillows in the middle of Seattle—or any other major city in the world for that matter—all hell would break loose. Her breasts make you want to get down on your knees and thank God you’re a man.
Anyway, she was standing with her hands at her hips right at the corner my room, just aside my television, staring at me with those alluring blue eyes as though she were a concubine beckoning me in a dark alleyway. Now THAT is a sight to wake up to! I thought, it’s too bad you’re not real.
Upon taking my eyes from the gorgeous visage of the illustrious Mistress of the Dark, I looked to my right to see three little demon figures standing as stiff as a stick upon my dresser, looking at me with ear-to-ear sadistic grins upon their contorted faces. The first demon was wearing a leather robe of sumptuous design with an excess of chains hanging from a ringed collar nailed into its neck. Its large beady red eyes bulged prodigiously from its skull. Its gnarled hands formed into sharp bony claws at the fingertips, carrying within its grasp an object that was once a human being, nibbling at the head like a dog gnawing at a bone. From its upper back two mechanical tentacles protruded, stretching out a flag of what looked to be constructed with human flesh like a rubber band. Upon its head, a halo of scissors and surgical utensils were implanted into its brain, symbolizing some kind of a demoniac crown.
The second demon was half-naked and completely doused in blood. The flesh on its fungus-ridden body had been stripped nearly to the bone by an army of tiny mephitic roaches crawling all over it. Several chains deeply pierced into its face, warping its features into what looked like a mangled muffin with trickles of blood sprinkling in the air.
The third demon, on the other hand, was perhaps the tamest—though the strangest looking—of the three as far as appearance goes. It was clad in black leather pants and a tattered leather vest. It had thick black nails embedded into its muscular arms and large convoluting black horns upon its head. Balls of spikes hung from chains puncturing into its left shoulder. Attached to a metal shackle around its right hand was a large gutting hook capable of splitting any human in half with one fatal blow. But, perhaps one of the most frighteningly bizarre features of the demon was that it had an embryo of a fey alien creature festering in its crotch.
“Looks like someone has the case of the Moondays!” Demon number one said.
“Are we having fun yet?” Demon number two said in a prissy sardonic voice.
“Now, remember the ten-foot rule… look the customer in the eye, smile, and ask them in a kind tone, How may I help you?” Demon number three said, trying to sound like a sophisticated entrepreneur.
I gazed upon the demons like a mindless drone as I gave them the infamous middle finger. The demons laughed feverishly as I moved onto the next phase of the morning adventure.
I looked farther to my right just in time to see my chess pieces playing a heated game of basketball with what looked to be an eyeball ripped freshly from someone’s skull on my chessboard. The white king was currently in possession of the eye. He passed it to the white knight. The black knight shot out in front of him, guarding him. The white knight aggressively jumped into the air, ferociously slamming the eye into the hoop, knocking the black knight to his ass. “Ha! Wassup bitch!” The white knight said, stomping at the black knight with his arms spread out, causing him to flinch. “I may be white, but I know how ta’ strut ma’ shit mutha’ fucka’! Yeiuh!” The white knight began to sway his hands from side to side, while singing “Ohhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhh! Na-naa-na-naaa! Na-naa-na-naaa! Sing it wit’ me! Ohhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhh! Na-naa-na-naaa! Na-naa-na-naaa!”
I looked at the chessboard, nodding my head apathetically, slowly beginning to lose interest, but at least that stupid Britney Spears song was pushed out of my mind. Unfortunately… it was replaced with a mix of various rap songs that I constantly heard at work whenever a Caucasoid customer, who fancied himself a Negroid homeboy from the ghetto, turned the stereos up to inane volume levels. Vile chess pieces! To hell with them all! I thought.
No matter the oddity and exasperation I was experiencing that morning, nothing could compare to what I was about to see. I looked back to see the most horrifying thing in the world. It filled me fury in addition to despair… in addition to agony… in addition to many other feelings too terrible to express with words alone. That grotesque thing, my friend, was the time clock… and it laughed diabolically as it turned to 6:00 AM. After seeing that horrendous thing, I miserably said to myself, “I don’t want to go to work.”
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