Jodie - Hey Daria. I didn't see you today. You said you might come to the photography meeting for yearbook.

Daria - Yes, well, when the dentist turned off the gas I had a change of heart.

Jodie - But it's fun. And it looks good on your transcript.

Daria - I'm against both those things.

Jodie - Free film and developing.

Daria - Um hm...

Jodie - And if your parents find out that you're even considering it, you could probably squeeze some tremendous bribe out of them

Daria - I'll think about it.

(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinnertable)

Daria - I can't believe you're trying to bribe me. With singles.

Helen - Sweetie, it's not a bribe, it's a deal. Honestly, you're worse than my clients.

Daria - I'm sorry, but yearbooks completely distort the reality of high school. Of course, the yearbook experience could provide material for a webpage. If I had the software.

Jake - Software it is!

Quinn - (walks in) Hi! (takes money) Big date! Can't talk! Bye! (leaves)

(at school, at yearbook)

Ted - Hey! You're Daria, right? I'm Ted, the photo editor! I saw your pictures.

Daria - Then cut the small talk and get straight to firing me.

Ted - That's funny, because it's the exact opposite of the truth, right? You're using sarcasm aren't you!

Daria - Actually, I was being sincere for once. What planet are you from?

Ted - Planet? Hey! Hyperbole! Very interesting. No seriously though, I loved your photos. Your composition seems very Spanish, not unlike the peasant paintings of Francisca Goya. I'm a huge Goya fanatic.

Daria - Um, yeah, huge.

(at Jane's house, in Jane's room)

Jane - Actually Goya liked to paint death, destruction, brutality... You'd have made good penpals.

Daria - And the interesting part is, he's never been to school. His parents have taught him at home until now. Isn't that kind of cool?

Jane - I judge things by results, so I would have to say... no.

Daria - Hey, sarcasm. You two would get along.

Jane - If he makes you join his cult, can I have your web page software?

Daria - He doesn't belong to a cult. And the shrink wrap never comes off that software. Soon as I get it, I'm exchanging it for cannabal frag fest on cd rom.

Jane - Computer ultra-violence. Goya would have loved that.

(at school, at yearbook)

Daria - Well, since you ask, I was trying to get a high contrast of light and dark.

Ted - Neat! You must read a lot of Obit. I read Orpheas and the Underworld when I was six, and it still haunts me.

Daria - Uh, yeah. Mee too.

Ted - You know, I oughta talk my parents into going to a normal school.

Daria - When do you start?

Ted - He he he! Irony! But I like it here. I only wish that volunteering or charity got as much yearbook space as sports and clubs. Come on! Mr. DeMartino? Daria and I were just saying that there are some students at school who are really making a difference. And maybe we're short-changing them a little in the yearbook.

Mr. DeMartino - How nobel. Perhaps you think we should cut some pictures from sports and clubs to make more room...

Ted - Hey! Good idea sir!

Mr. DeMartino - Let me pause, and reflect, everyone! Sports and clubs are cut!

Everyone - Hey! That's not fair! You can't do that!

Mr. DeMartino - Ha! It's not my idea! You've been sabotaged by your own kind.

Ted - This is going to be great!

(in the hallways)

Daria - Hello?

Kevin - Hello traitor. It's a nice day isn't it, for a traitor.

Daria - How can I betray something I don't believe in?

Kevin - In case you didn't know, sports are like the beating heart of the yearbook... um... system!

Brittany - Yeah! Plus it's like getting in the yearbook is the only reason to join French club in the first place!

Daria - Gee Brittany, what about your deep love for French people and their culture?

Brittany - Love had nothing to do with it! He was just a lonely exchange student. And I wanted to give him an American goodbye!

Daria - Huh?

Kevin - Huh?

Brittany - Sorry, this yearbook crisis is just messing me up!

Kevin - It's all right babe. See what you've done? Traitor!

(in the cafeteria)

Stacy - It's totally rude!

Tiffany - Completely heinous.

Sandi - It's like this girl Daria doesn't understand reason, or something.

Quinn - I hear, she's a brain. You can't reason with brains.

Sandi - I'm still going to talk to her. As president of the fashion club, I can be kind of intimidating.

Quinn - Oh you're definatly scary Sandi. But I think this is a special case, so let me talk to her. It would mean so much to me if you let me try.

Sandi - You're the best.

Quinn - No you.

(at Daria's house, in Daria's room)

Quinn - But you can't be serious about this.

Daria - Listen, Ted has a point.

Quinn - Ah ha! It's that boy. So it's all about love, is it?

Daria - It is not about love.

Quinn - All right, keep it your secret to cherish always. But just because you're going out...

Daria - Ted and I are not going out.

Quinn - Whatever. Just tell loverboy, we want our yearbook back.

Daria - Did you hear that? You just used the verb want with the noun book.

Quinn - Save the math games for your boyfriend.

(at Ted's house)

Ted - Gosh, I'm glad you could come over. Did you have any trouble finding it?

Daria - The corn growing in your front yard sort of tipped me off.

Ted - Yeah. We keep the squash and beans in the back. I've got all these photo ideas that I want to tell you about. I think a WPA black and white dustball documentary style would be perfect!

Daria - Um, yeah. Hey, what's this?

Ted - Oh, that's the phonograph my Dad and I made. And from what I hear about television, this is just a good! Hey, I have some early music played on period instruments. You feel like you're right there with the viola!

Daria - Actually Ted, maybe just quiet. This couch is all wood. You and your Dad made it, didn't you.

Ted - Georgia pine! Very soft.

Daria - Okay, that does it. I'm sorry Ted, I can't keep up with you.

Ted - Keep up? What are you talking about? You're the remarkable one.

Daria - Oh.

Ted - I mean, please don't take this wrong, but you've got it all.

Daria - Um, thanks. Here, want some gum?

Ted - Hmm.

Daria - I guess when all is said and done, we're just a couple of ordinary American teenagers. Right? Ted?

Ted - Wow! So this is gum! I like it! Mom! Dad! Gum! I got gum!

(commercial break.)

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

(sound of banging on door)

Grant - Morgendorffers?

Jake - If this is for Greenpeace, we've already given.

Lesley - Greenpeace? Those corporate puppets?

Helen - Do we know you?

Lesley - Lesley Dewitt.

Grant - Grant Clinton. Ted Dewitt Clinton's parents.

Helen - Sorry, is he one of the boys who went out with Quinn the other night?

Grant - Does this look familiar?

Jake - Gum?

Lesley - Yes, from your daughter Daria.

Helen - Would you like to come in for a drink?

Grant - Alcohol I presume. Well now I see where she gets it.

Helen - I'll make a pot of coffee.

Grant - Coffee?

Jake - I don't really understand the problem here.

Lesley - Naturally. You people are happy chewing on the offerings of so called modern society. We'd just appreciate it if you kept them away from my son's mouth.

Helen - Now look here hippy. Daria may be a handful sometimes but just because she gave your kid some gum is no reason...

Lesley - It wasn't just the gum. She also gave him this.

Jake - The Beatles?

Grant - (starts to cry)

Lesley - I tried so hard, and nobody seems to care.

(both leave)

Jake - Who is this Ted kid?

Helen - And what's happening to this neighborhood. First people growing corn, now this?

(at school, in the cafeteria)

Daria - Well, maybe he is a little weird. But he's also a little sweet. Isn't that important?

Jane - Not as important as the fact that he never had gum before. This is so sweet! You're involved with a kook!

Daria - We're not involved.

Ted - Hi Daria! I was looking for you. I carved you this necklace, as thanks for the gum.

Jane - That's beautiful. I guess somebody here is involved.

Ted - Involved in what? Hey, who wants some humus?

Daria - I can't take this. Keep it.

Ted - But I want you to have it. I made it...

Daria - Ted, I can't take it. We work together on yearbook. We don't make jewerly for each other.

Ted - You aren't being sarcastic or hyperbolic are you.

Daria - No.

Ted - Oh, then I guess I'll see you at yearbook. (leaves)

Jane - Um, you did the right thing?

Daria - Yeah. A guy makes a necklace for me by hand and I act like it's nuclear waste. Sure. I did the right thing.

Jane - Okay, now you're being sarcastic.

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Helen - But why haven't we heard about this boy before?

Quinn - Because he's a freak!

Jake - Freak is good, right?

Quinn - Yeah, if you think belonging to a cult is good. Plus everyone in the cult has to wear ugly clothes and be completely unsocial. It's the worse!

Daria - (walks in)

Helen - A cult? Who is Ted and why haven't you told us about him and is he trying to get you to join a cult?

Daria - Oh brother.

Jake - He calls himself brother? You mean like brother Ted?

Daria - No, like oh brother you're all crazy. Ted is a nice guy from yearbook. He's odd, but he's not in a cult. And for the last time, we're not going out. (leaves)

Helen - She's obviously lying.

Jake - Absolutely.

Quinn - No question.

Helen - Can't you talk to her Quinn? Why don't you set her up with one of your friends? They're all normal.

Quinn - Yeah! And that's exactly why they would laugh me out of town if I tried.

Jake - If you do, Mom and I will make it sweet for you.

Quinn - How sweet?

Helen - How does your own webpage sound?

Quinn - Not as nice as the crunch crunch crunch sound of a new pair of shoes on the high school parking lot.

Jake - Deal! Quinn, you're the best.

Quinn - Duh.

(at school, in the cafeteria)

Tiffany - I don't understand why we should help some random loser find a date.

Sandi - Now that's exactly the kind of negative attitude that says, I'm a fashion newreader, and not a fashion newsmaker.

Quinn - Thank you Sandi.

Stacy - But who will we get to be her date?

Quinn - Robert? You like sitting at the other end of our table, right?

Robert - Yes ma'am!

Quinn - Then I have an assignment for you.

Robert - Yes ma'am!

(in gym class)

Daria - Do you think I was too mean to Ted?

Jane - Oh brother.

Daria - He's not a brother, and he's not in a cult. He's just very honest and ethical and I shouldn't have been so mean.

Jane - Wow, you're really into him aren't you.

Daria - No. But I do like the way he scares my parents.

Jane - Are you sure annoying your parents is good grounds for a relationship?

Daria - It was for Romeo and Juliet.

(in yearbook)

Daria - Um, Ted, I think I owe you an apology. Your necklace was beautiful. And I was a jerk for not taking it.

Ted - That's okay.

Daria - Really? Good. Then I was hoping you'd let me buy you a slice of pizza.

Ted - To be honest Daria, I think maybe you were right. We should keep our friendship on a strictly yearbook level.

Daria - Wait a minute. Are you blowing me off?

Ted - Well, my parents warned me that kids in conventional schools can be kind of, shallow.

Daria - You think I'm shallow?

Ted - You sort of remind me of that really popular girl I've seen around, Quinn I think. Do you know her? You'd probably get along.

SSW - Next, on Sick, Sad World, hoax? Or vision? Some people in Florida claim they've seen the face of Jesus. On a penny!

Quinn - Look, if you get thrown off a horse, you have to get back up and shoot it. Right?

Daria - I guess so.

Quinn - So I know this cute guy who's got a huge crush on you. Let's double!

Daria - All right, this is either a plot to humiliate me, or you need me to go so I can do something for you.

Quinn - Okay, okay, it's a trick. If you come Mom and Dad's extending me curfew by half and hour plus I'm dating this guy Shawn who never shuts up. I want someone else there to go.

Daria - Forget it.

Quinn - Ten bucks?

Daria - Per hour.

Quinn - You're on.

Daria - Nope, I've changed my mind.

Quinn - Come on Daria! You want Mom and Dad to set you up with somebody?

Daria - Oh god.

Quinn - Now hurry up and get ready I want to get to the shoe store before it closes.

(in the car)

Daria - So, what exactly are we going to do on our date?

Shawn - What?

Quinn - Quiet Shawn. We'll drive around, go to a convenience store... Whatever. The usual random teenage shananigans. Isn't that great? Talk to her!

Robert - Um so, what do you think of U.N. mandated emission control laws for third world countries?

Daria - Noble idea. But the U.N.'s time table is unrealistic. How about you?

Robert - Uh, same. Agree or disagree. Trade embargos are an effective way to deal with countries who violate human rights.

Daria - Agreed. But with major trading partners like China, our government always finds a loophole. You?

Robert - Same. Can sports and clubs get their pages back in the yearbook.

Daria - Okay, stop the car.

Shawn - What?

Quinn - Quiet Shawn. Why? You two are getting along great!

Daria - I should've known this wasn't a real date when Robert here kept calling me Darcy.

Robert - Sorry ma'am.

Daria - And ma'am. You were trying to buy my influence with a date?

Quinn - That's how we do it in America, comrad.

Daria - (gets out of car)

Quinn - Nice work.

Shawn - What?

Quinn - Quiet Shawn, I meant bonehead here.

Robert - The cards got mixed up.

Quinn - From now on you'll have to find a different table to sit at during lunch.

Robert - (starts to cry)

Quinn - For the next week.

Robert - Thank you. Thank you.

Shawn - What?

(commercial)

(at school, at yearbook)

Ted - This one's great. You can really feel the pain. But aren't there supposed to be spotters at the trampoline?

Daria - Well, I don't think even spotters could have stopped that fall. Anyway, she's fine. In fact she fell off the uneven bars today so it was clearly her own fault. Uh-oh. Here come the angry villagers.

Sandi - We want our rightful yearbook pages.

Brittany - It's not fair that a couple of outsiders are dictating the way yearbook is done.

Mr. DeMartino - Hey, these two outsiders made a good suggestion. And if it's a good suggestion, who cards if it's fair?

Quinn - Stand your ground. They can't make us go.

Ted - Hey everybody, why don't we postpone the showdown after the sale at Cashman's.

Kevin - Not so fast. I'm not leaving until I get results.

Ted - Shall we settle it with a brick contest?

Kevin - What's that? Ow! The geek's hurting me! Ow!

Brittany - Babe! Are you all right?

Mr. DeMartino - That's it. I'm talking to the union. Next year, chess club.

Daria - That was a good trick.

Ted - Asymmetric exercises. I've been doing them since age 10.

Daria - Ted I've been thinking, can we bend our yearbook only policy and maybe go out for some pizza?

Ted - Pizza sounds great!

Daria - Really?

Ted - Pizza... What's it mean?

(at the pizza place)

Ted - I hate to say it, but I think I enjoy this processed cheese. What kind of process do they use?

Daria - It's a sugarless version of the one for ding-dongs and ho-hos.

Ted - Ding-dongs and ho-hos! You're crazy! I think that's kind of why I like you.

Daria - I like you too. That's what's really crazy.

(at school, in Mr. DeMartino's class room)

Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Ms. Barch.

Ms. Barch - I understand you're cutting the club pictures out of the yearbook.

Mr. DeMartino - We decided to shift the emphasis...

Ms. Barch - Oh save it. You know who the faculty advisor of the Science Club is. Same person who sponsers the Take Back the Night Lawndale High School women's self-defense class.

(at the pizza place)

Ted - So, what do degenerate outsiders like us do after pizza?

Daria - I thought maybe we could play some video games at the arcade.

Ted - Oh no, I don't think so. Gum is one thing but...

Daria - They're harmless. Besides, if you're drafted, you need to know about them.

Ted - I guess I am a little curious.

(at the video arcade)

Robert - Come on dudes, lets get over there.

Guy - Why?

Robert - So we can hassle that chick Darcy and her date.

Guy - Why?

Robert - I can't remember but I think it's important.

Arcade Guy - Which do you want? Castle scenario, underwater paradise, futuistic utopia...

Ted - I guess the castle one.

Arcade Guy - Okey doke boss.

Ted - Daria?

Daria - It's too much right? I feel a little sick myself.

Ted - It's not really representative of medieval society, but I have to say it's the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life!

Robert - Uh, those are some friends of ours. Can we join in?

Ted - The royal throne!

Daria - Good. I need to sit down.

Robert - Not so fast, weirdos.

Daria - Robert!

Robert - That's Sir Robert, Darcy.

Daria - Daria.

Daria - Ted, wow.

Ted - I taught myself with 11th century manuscript on swordplay. It's easy.

Robert - No way, I'm not going out like this.

Ted - Let's go Daria, we can catch them!

Daria - This is making me nauseous, you go ahead.

(at school, in the hallway)

Daria - It's my own fault. He didn't even want to go to the arcade.

Jane - I told you first date, stick to vandalism and loitering. But you always have to be different. Heads up.

Ted - What you want to do is take the strain off your wrist, and more on your elbow. Like this!

Robert - Oh yeah! You gotta show me on the machine. Maybe after school?

Ted - Okay. You don't know where we might obtain some gum, do you?

Jane - Boys playing with swords. I think that probably has some significance.

Daria - At least we're still fighting the good fight at yearbook. I'll see you later.

(at yearbook)

Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Daria, I have some bad news about those pages we took from sports and clubs. Damn woman!

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

Daria - I have to tell you something.

Jake - You joined the cult?

Daria - There's no cult. I had to resign from yearbook. It was a questions of ethics.

Helen - Again?

Jake - Don't worry, she was on staff for a week, she can still put it on her college application!

Daria - No question about ethics here. So then can I keep the web page stuff?

Helen - Actually we gave it to Quinn.

Daria - Quinn? Did she remove the shrink wrap?

(in Quinn's room)

Daria - I don't believe it. You did this yourself?

Quinn - Of course not, I had one of the cuter technical types from school set it up for me.

Daria - I had to ask.

Quinn - Oh, sorry it didn't work out with that Ted guy. Isn't it funny that now it turns out that he's almost sort of cool and interesting?

Daria - Yeah, hilarious.

Quinn - Hey! Check it out! My webpage just had 25,000 hits in just the last three hours!

Daria - Really, I can beat that.

Quinn - You don't even have a webpage.

Daria - No, but I can hit.

Quinn - Ow! Ow! Mom! Dad! Help!