{in the kitchen)

Quinn - Daddy, you remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be 50 dollars.

Jake - 50 dollars an hour?

Helen - Well I got the bad news from the periodontist - 6 months worth of gum work, 800 dollars a month.

Jake - 800 dollars a month!

Daria - (walks in) Mail's here. Did you know congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?

Jake - 250 billion a year? Damnit, that's it Daria, do you think I'm made of money?

Helen - Jake, were you listening? Daria was saying...

Jake - Tutoring, dental work, congress! I'm not a machine damnit! I'm a man! For once in my stinkin' life show a little... Ah! Ah! Ah! (holds eye)

Helen - Oh Jake, not again.

Jake - It's my eye!

Daria - Oh no! Get the camera.

Quinn - Ick!

Helen - No camera. (sighs) Remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?

Jake - Yeah, he said it would be 200 dollars.

Helen - Before that. He said we need to cut down on your stress. And we're going to do that this weekend. We'll go camping like we used to before... (looks at daughters) I'll take Friday off and we'll make a long weekend of it.

Daria - You're going to take a day off?

Helen - Daria, a healthy happy family comes before work. Always. Besides I have vacation time coming and Eric told me that if I don't use it I lose it. Damnit! Those bastards aren't gonna take away my days. Come on Jake, let's find those painkillers.

Quinn - Don't worry about us Mom, we'll be fine, right Daria?

Daria - Absolutely. No guests, no late nights...

Helen - Don't even bother girls, you're coming with us.

Quinn - Damnit Daria, you could've sounded like you meant it.

Daria - Damnit! It's my turn to say damnit!

(at Jane's house, in Jane's room)

SSW - Wanna see some gutsy climbing? Scaling the world's tallest pile of seagull dropping, next on Sick, Sad World.

Jane - Lemme get this straight. You, Helen, Jake, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?

Daria - I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.

Jane - I do envy you.

Daria - Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain and you'll have to be destroyed.

Jane - Do you know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane family reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.

Daria - Wow. I didn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.

Jane - They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them all closer together. My parents are much too smart for that trick. So they're sending me and Trent as their representatives.

Daria - You know, a weekend in the woods is starting to look good.

Jane - A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look pretty good.

(in the forest)

Jake - (singing) Give me regards to Broadway, remember in Harold's Square... Tell all the gang at 42nd street that I will soon be there... Isn't this great? For the next 72 hours we're going to live off what nature send our way! See that stream? That's our drinking water! See those berries! That's our breakfast!

Daria - See that skeleton? That's our future. Made you look.

(on the plane)

Jane - Trent. Trent. Trent!

Trent - (wakes up) Officer it's not even my car. Ah, Janey. What?

Jane - Let's think strategy. I don't wanna arrive without a plan.

Trent - Hey, I already thought of that. As soon as we get there, we find a bar, and we don't leave it until we're unconscious.

Jane - Good plan. But first of all, they probably wouldn't serve me. And second, I don't want to pass out. And right before you pass out, you'll decide it's time to be honest with everyone.

Trent - Oh yeah. Bad idea. I wouldn't want to be honest with Aunt Ellie about her vacation pictures.

Jane - Or Cousin Jimmy about his modeling career.

Trent - Or Aunt Bernice about her hats.

Jane - Who's Aunt Bernice?

Trent - You know, from Middleberry? She wears those straw hats. Thinks they're country or something. They look like the kind they put on horses to keep the sun off their heads.

Jane - You say she's from Middleberry?

Trent - Yeah.

Jane - So, we'd be flying out of the same airport.

Trent - Yeah, yeah, what's your point?

Aunt Bernice - Hello Trent.

Trent - Um, hello Aunt Bernice. I like your hat.

(in the forest)

Jake - Total isolation!

Helen - No phone, no fax, no e-mail, no voicemail! No way to contact the outside world! What a luxury.

Jake - Tonight we'll tell spooky stories around the campfire. Tomorrow we hike till we drop!

Helen - Just like we used to.

Jake - Remember?

Helen - We were such relaxed in those days.

(flashback)

Jake - You can't hike in these damn earth shoes! They make you tilt!

Helen - Come on Jake, just dig the scene!

Jake - Oh, all right. It is a stone groove. We're lucky we got here before the oil companies pave it all over.

Helen - And put up a parking lot.

Jake - Capitalist vultures! Off the fat cat!

Helen - It's so out of sight that we're going to camp with nothing but our tent and sleeping bags.

Jake - Sleeping bags. We don't need big business electricity! We don't need manufactured foods! We don't need chemically softened toilet paper!

Helen - We don't?

(present)

Helen - (takes out toilet paper from bag and smiles)

Jake - Girls, doesn't all this beauty take you right out of yourselves?

Helen - Daria?

Daria - I think I'm getting a chill. If you don't mind I'm gonna crawl back into myself for a while.

Helen - What about you Quinn?

Quinn - No phone????

(at the airport)

Trent - Do you see any buses or taxis?

Jane - I see no mass transit of any kind.

Trent - Well, we got no way to get to the party. I guess we'll just have to fly home.

Jane - We gave it our best shot.

(airport closes)

Jane - Hey, it's Aunt Bernice! She rented a car!

Trent - Hey, Aunt Bernice!

(Aunt Bernice drives by)

(commercial break)

(in the forest)

Jake - (trying to put up tent) Ahhhh!

Helen - We should have started this earlier.

Jake - You sound like my father.

Helen - What?

Jake - Oh, he knew everything about camping. Of course he had a different approach! No tent for mad dog Morgendorffer! Oh no! No sleeping bag either! You slap some damn sticks together and sleep in a bunch of pine needles and if it rains, well tough crap! No tent for Mad Dog Morgendorffer and no tent for little Jakey either!

Helen - That's good. You're letting out some of that tension.

Jake - Why couldn't he just love me for who I was?

Helen - Okay Jake, now you're letting out too much tension.

Jake - I mean, why did he think I was still wetting the bed at 15? Oh, hi girls!

(at the Lane reunion)

Trent - So let's just walk in and face them straight on. They're not going to intimidate us.

Jane - No way. Hey, I think I left my inflight magazine back there.

Trent - We better go get it.

Woman - (answer door) Jane, Trent. I might have known you'd come looking like this.

(in the forest)

Jake - Then, lying there in the dark as the boy heard a tiny splashing sound. Psh! Psh! Like waves on a faraway shore. Except! The nearest ocean was 100 miles away... The boy reached out for his sleeping father! But he was gone. Shaking with fear the boy stumbled out of the tent and that's when he saw him. His father, sitting alone at the campfire. Alone! With a whole case of beer. Psh! Psh! The selfish old bastard was wasted again.

(at the reunion)

Woman - And how's your sister Penny?

Jane - I think she's a little disappointed in the Mexican job market. She may try Nicaragua next.

Woman - And how's your brother Wind?

Jane - He's thinking of getting remarried if he can just figure out whether his divorces were legal.

Woman - How about your sister Summer?

Jane - You know, the private detective found three out of her four kids.

Woman - Really!

(in the forest)

Helen - You're a vampire? She whispered to the pale stranger with the brooding eyes. She felt her bosom blush and heave with excitement. You've come to take my blood! You're blood? He laughed. Oh there's time enough to take your blood. Tonight I'm going to take your... take your pulse! To make sure that you know, the blood will be there when I come back.

(at the reunion)

Uncle Max - I always liked you Trent. You were my favorite.

Trent - And why is that, Uncle Max.

Uncle Max - Cuz you're a BUM. You're a lousy BUM. You're a rotten BUM. You remind me of MYSELF. You know why?

Trent - Cuz I'm a bum.

Uncle Max - That's right, you bum.

(in the forest)

Quinn - So Cinderella said I can't go to the ball in these rags. And her fairy godmother waved her wand and behold, she was wearing a gown of silver and gold. Big clunky silver and gold sequence, like you wouldn't wear to one of those 70s nostalgia proms, much less a formal party at a palace. And when she went to check out herself in the mirror, the one that usually made her look thin, instead she looked bloated!

Helen - Quinn honey, is this really a scary story?

Quinn - Wait! I haven't gotten to the shoes yet!

(at the reunion)

Grandmother - Janey.

Jane - Yes Grandma?

Grandmother - Come closer.

Jane - Yes Grandma?

Grandmother - Closer

Jane - Yes Grandma?

Grandmother - Closer

Jane - Yes Grandma?

Grandmother - What the hell is wrong with you!

(in the forest)

Daria - So the witch tore Hansel's arm off, popped it in her mouth, said, "Hey, pretty good." And within minutes had devoured the rest of his body, leaving only the lower intestines for fear of bacteria. Gretel she decided she wanted to hold onto for a while so she crammed her into the freezer the best she could.

(at night)

Quinn - Daria?

Daria - Yes Quinn.

Quinn - Do you feel weird sharing a tent?

Daria - As long as it's with you and not a bear I guess I'm okay with it.

Quinn - Remember when we were little and we shared a room?

Daria - Yes Quinn.

Quinn - I hated that.

Daria - So did I.

Quinn - It's fun to reminisce, isn't it?

Daria - You bet.

(at the reunion)

Trent - Janey?

Jane - Yeah Trent?

Trent - Do you feel weird sharing a room?

Jane - We've done it before.

Trent - Yeah, but not really like this.

Voice - Hey, hold it down guys okay? I'm trying to sleep!

Voice - Ow! Watch it!

Voice - Oops, sorry, thought you were a pillow!

Voice - I wasn't talking to you!

Voice - Wait, were you talking to me?

Voice - Well who else? Ow!

Voice - Sorry. Thought you were a pillow.

(in the forest, in the morning)

Helen - Daria, Quinn, Get up, I need you. Your father's in a sickening mood.

Jake - Are they decent Helen?

Helen - Yes Jake.

Jake - Up and at them ladies! Time to join the forest morning, already in progress! Breakfast is on Mother Nature! Yum! Meet you around the fire in 5 minutes!

Helen - Please girls. I'm afraid I may hurt him.

(at the reunion)

Trent - Janey, what time is it?

Jane - How should I know? Even if I could manage get my watch on at this hour my eyes are too blurry to read it.

Woman - It's 7 o'clock dear! We're getting an early start because today's our family croquet tournament!

Trent - Janey, it's 7 o'clock on a Saturday. And we're awake.

Jane - Soon the wooden balls will begin clacking. Clack. Clack.

Trent - We gotta get out of here.

(in the forest)

Jake - Was that breakfast great of what kiddo!

Daria - Actually Dad, I'm not a real berry person. I sort of didn't eat mine. I'm waiting for lunch.

Jake - Well, you're gonna love our roasted acorns a la Jake!

Jake - Can you believe the whole continent used to look like this?

Daria - It makes me yearn for the past.

Jake - Look at that Daria, a fork in the trail. If you go one way, you can't go the other.

Daria - This is going to depress me, isn't it.

Jake - This one over here leads to an entry level job. Little bit of money in your pocket. Soon you're wearing a suit and tie everyday like those faceless saps, living in a boring house, in a boring little town, and doing so well you're in debt up to your disappearing air! That's where that trail leads, Daria.

Daria - And I supposed that other trail is the one that leads to personal and spiritual satisfaction. That's why they don't want you to take it.

Jake - Damnit you're right Daria! You're brilliant!

Daria - Wait! It was a joke? (sighs)

(commercial break)

(in the forest)

Helen - I wish your father would stay where I could see him.

Quinn - What's Dad so worked about anyway?

Helen - Oh Quinn. It's not easy being an adult.

Quinn - He can drive, he never has to take a pop quiz, he can order a lamosa anytime he wants. What's the problem?

Helen - He's... It's hard for you to understand. You're like a fresh new bud just on the verge of opening.

Quinn - Ewww! Mom! You're not going to talk about puberty are you?

Helen - Quinn, everywhere you look you see doors opening. Everywhere your father looks he sees doors closing. A long corridor of doors slamming shut. And at the very end there is one open door he must some day enter and never may he return. I can't go on. Leave me here.

Quinn - Mom!

Helen - Go on Quinn, you're so young, so beautiful - you should lead the tribe into the new century.

Quinn - What tribe? Mom, what's wrong with you?

Helen - Now go tell Gray Fox I have given my blessing. (faints)

Quinn - Daria!!!!!!!

Daria - Dad I don't think this is a good idea.

Jake - It's not cautious is it Daria. It's not the sort of thing a responsible family man would do.

Daria - Are you feeling okay? You look kind of pale.

Jake - Maybe you think we should go be to camp, eh? You go back to camp! I'm going to see what... who is down this trail. You hear that old man? I don't care what happens to me Daria! I'm past feeling pain. (walks into tree) Ow! Damnit!

Daria - Come on Dad, Quinn needs us.

Jake - I'm not done with you yet old man!

Daria - Quinn? What's wrong with Mom?

Quinn - She was talking about buds and doors and stuff and then she told me to lead the tribe and she fell asleep.

Jake - Helen?

Helen - (wakes up) Wha? Oh! Jake, you had us a little worried.

Quinn - You had us a little worried Mom.

Daria - That's funny, I don't remember being worried about anyone.

Jake - Quinn said you were talking about some kind of tribe?

Helen - No honey, the tide! I was saying we ought to set sail while the tide's still high.

Quinn - Dad?

Jake - Don't worry sweetie. Your Mom sounds a little nutty but she's making perfect sense.

Quinn - She is?

Jake - Sure if we try to sail at low tide and ran aground, we'd be sitting ducks for Captain Cutless's men. I don't know about you but I don't want to be skinned alive and thrown to the sharks, right girls? Come on, let's go gather some provisions! (runs off with Helen)

Quinn - This is really scary Daria.

Daria - All right, let's not get panicked. We're going to look at the situation calmly and objectively. Agreed?

Quinn - Okay.

Daria - We're out in the middle of nowhere, no one knows we're here, we have no way to contact the outside world, and our parents have gone insane.

Quinn - Yes.

Daria - This is really scary Quinn.

Quinn - But why did they go insane?

Daria - Knowing Dad and his excellent woodland skills, I'd say it was the berries. Except...

Quinn - It couldn't have been the berries.

Daria - That's what I think. You ate them too and you see okay.

Quinn - No, I meant because those weren't the glitter berries.

Daria - Glitter berries?

Quinn - You know, the glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beautiful sparkling glitter when you bite in to them. Those are the ones that make you act weird. I mean until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away.

Daria - Uh-oh.

Quinn - Daria, you don't have a mirror do you? I want to check my makeup.

Daria - You’re not wearing any makeup.

Quinn - I'm not? Oh no! (splashes mud on her face)

Daria - Quinn maybe you better take it easy for awhile.

Jake - Spirit animal! Come back spirit animal! (runs off)

Helen - Girls, have you seen your father's spirit animal? He was just telling it about his childhood when it jumped up and scampered off.

Daria - Scampered?

Quinn - What did it look like Mom?

Helen - Oh you know, yellow, stripes on the back, powerful hind legs, three horns with a beard...

Quinn - Come on, I saw where it went. (runs off with Helen)

Daria - Okay. Remain calm. Family's gone mad. Must get them back to civilization. But no way to contact civilization because mother made big deal about cutting off all communications. What to do? (phone in Helen's bag rings) Rely on Mother's hypocrisy to see us through this crisis.

Man on Phone - Hello. Do you have a few minutes to go over these depositions?

Jake - There it is! Behind that pack of zebras.

Daria - She'll have to call you back. (dials 911) Hello, 911?

(in the helicopter)

Jake - I love camping! I love it! Has anyone seen my pants?

(at Daria's house, in Daria's room)

Daria - (calls Jane)

Jane - Yo!

Daria - What are you doing home?

Jane - What are you?

Daria - My family went crazy eating psychotropic berries so we were evacuated from the woods and they had their stomachs pumped.

Jane - Wow, that's cool. My family was already crazy without eating berries. So Trent and I evacuated ourselves to the airport in my Aunt's rental car. And flew the hell out of there.

Daria - Oh. Well, anything else new?

Jane - Nah. You?

Daria - Nah.

(in the living room)

Daria - Mail's here. (hands Jake the mail)

Jake - Thanks kiddo.

SSW - Now you claim that not only did you see a yetti but he was wearing a business suit and carry an attaché case?

Man - A leather attaché case.

Jake - $50,000 for a helicopter ride! What the hell do... Ow! Ahhhh! (burst blood vessels in both eyes)

Daria - Mom, get the painkillers. Quinn, get the camera!