(outside of Daria's house)

Daria - (gets out of car) Thanks.

Quinn - Hold it young lady.

Daria - Funny.

Quinn - What are you doing out so late?

Daria - What are you doing out so late?

Quinn - What do you mean? I'm always out this late.

Daria - Then you can tell me how to sneak in.

Quinn - Well for one thing stop tiptoeing around like a geek. Have a little dignity Daria.

Daria - If I had any dignity do you think I'd be letting you teach me how to be cool.

Quinn - Whatever.

Jake - What's going on down there!

Helen - More threatening.

Jake - Let me handle it! Darnit, what's going on down there!

Helen - You sound like such a geek.

(in the living room)

Quinn - Is this gonna take long? I'm supposed to be somewhere.

Daria - Oh, is there another tight pants sale going on at the mall?

Helen - Don't start girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.

Daria - I didn't know I had a curfew.

Jake - Well that's interesting Daria, I didn't either, but according to your mother...

Helen - Jake. The point is you were out way too later which is why tonight we're going to...

Quinn - Destroy are living with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe mother, I can't breathe!

Helen - No, tonight we're going to set some, boundaries. And we'd like your input.

Quinn - Well everybody knows that late curfews should be given to people who can use them. Attractive and popular people with lots of friends.

Daria - Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?

Jake - It can't be Jefferson...

Quinn - Of course not, no pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.

Jake - Really.

Helen - All right girls, forget the input. (takes out two slabs of rules)

Daria - Hey, does this mean we get to wander in the desert for 40 years?

Helen - After much hard work, your father and I have come up with a set of guidelines I think we all can live by.

Jake - That's right! A lot of thought went into this. Do I have to read these?

Helen - Later.

Quinn - Wow, the new system sounds really great and interesting and I can't wait to read through it.

Daria - Oh brother.

Quinn - But right now, I sort of have to go. I have a date.

Helen - You can't go out on a date, it says right here that we don't permit that on a school night. Rule 18.

Quinn - You know what? You're confused about my use of the word date. I meant that I was going on a date to meet with my algebra study group.

Jake - Well, that sounds okay.

Helen - All right. But as for the procedures outlined from rules 22 to 26 make sure you sign in when you get back.

Quinn - Yeah bye. And don't wait up, you know how study groups are.

Jake - Good for you Quinn! Study hard!

Daria - Am I the only one who sees what's going on around here?

Helen - Rule number one. Persistent questioning of parental judgment is punishable.

(in the kitchen)

Jake - There she is, Miss American Bookworm. You really must have been burning the midnight oil last night.

Quinn - We weren't burning anything.

Jake - I mean your algebra study group.

Quinn - What are you talking about?

Jake - The study group you went to. The sign in sheet said you got back at 11:30 but come to think of it I went to bed at 11:45. Hey, I thought you got that watch fixed.

Daria - A couple of times. Prepare to be busted.

Helen - Quinn, were you at a study group last night or did you go out on a date?

Quinn - Can't you see that your rules are strangling me? Yes, I went on a date last night but we're in love and all the regulations and rules in the world can't stop that.

Jake - In love?

Helen - With whom?

Quinn - His name is Cliff. Oh no wait, it's Clint. I'm not positive but I can find out at school.

Jake - You don't even know his name! And you're in love with him!

Quinn - You know what you're confusing my use of the word love...

Jake - Do you have any idea how many of these rules you've broken?

Daria - How many Dad? And which ones?

Jake - What's that got to do with it?

Quinn - Argh. Okay! Ground me.

Helen - I wish it were that simple.

Jake - Exactly. What?

(at school, in the hallway)

Daria - So instead of saying, don't come home so late, now they've created some elaborate punishment system.

Jane - You mean like a spanking machine?

Daria - I mean like family court.

Jane - Due process? Yikes.

Jodie - Hey you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game?

Daria - Are you kidding?

Jane - We'll take two.

Daria - What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs?

Jodie - You weren't here last year Daria.

(flashback of Mr. DeMartino getting heart attack)

Jodie - Mr. DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died.

Jane - But a voice told him that his work here on earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet. This year he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.

(Mr. DeMartino exercising)

Mr. DeMartino - Hey, rock 'n roll Randy, this year you're mine.

(in the hallway)

Daria - So what are you saying?

Jodie - You know how some people go to car races on the chance that they might see a crash?

Daria - I'm in.

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

SSW - What do does supreme court judges wear under their robes? Declassified government polaroids next, on Sick, Sad World.

Helen - Are you girls ready for your day in court?

Quinn - Can't you just punish us? I'd like to pay the checks of society and get on with my life.

Helen - Your father and I want you to have a fair hearing. Then we'll punish you.

Daria - But a court procedure? Isn't that a little bureaucratic?

Helen - Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality.

Jake - Jefferson.

Helen - Stalin. It's all about fairness girls, that's why your father will make a terrific judge.

Jake - I get to be the judge?!?!

Daria - Look, someone once said, the most important thing in life is not to look like a geek. Do you have any idea how geeky this whole thing is?

Jake - That's it Daria, all I can say is that I hope you have a darn good defense lawyer.

Daria - A lawyer? Mom?

Helen - Sorry honey I'm prosecuting. And if I do say so myself, you're going down.

(closing credits)

Daria - Let me start by saying that while I respect the effort that has gone into this...

Jake - Oh my God I almost forgot! Sorry councilor, the court requires its secrutiment.

Helen - Oh, for heaven's sake.

Jake - There. Family court is now in session.

Daria - Careful. Don't fall of the incrutiment.

Jake - All rise. Please be seated. The court calls the case of the family versus Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer.

Daria - Dad, what is this?

Jake - Dad, I don't see any Dad.

Helen - You honor, may the family proceed with the opening statements.

Jake - Will you approach the bench please councilor

Helen - You honor, let us make it clear that this is not a witch hunt. Daria and Quinn are two fine girls who have often made us proud.

Daria and Quinn - But...

Helen - But that doesn't make them exempt from the simple truth that rules are rules.

(phone rings)

Quinn - Hello? Yeah bye.

Helen - or boundaries.

Quinn - Your honor I have to go, I made an arrangement to work on the school's adopt-a-highway prior to this court date.

Helen - But we haven't even called you to the stand yet.

Quinn - Well I was going to plead guilty or whatever anyway. I throw myself on the mercy of this um, honorable court.

Jake - The court grants you permission.

Quinn - Thanks! (leaves)

Helen - Now then.

Daria - Your honor, I plead guilty. And place my fate in your wisdom, compassion, and your keen sense in fair play.

Jake - Well said. Grounded for a month.

Daria - What? I wasn't even the one who stayed out late.

Hele - We have to set boundaries Daria. Nobody said the justice system would be fair.

Jake - Actually, I think somebody did say that, Jefferson or somebody...

Helen - What have I told you about backing me up?

Jake - Sorry, the sentence stands. You and your sister grounded for a month.

(at school, in the hallway)

Kevin - Man, this game is gonna be great! I say Mr. D goes down, halfway through the second period.

Mack - That's too late. He's gonna blow out early in the game. While the adrenaline's high.

Jodie - You guys are so insensitive.

Kevin - What do you have in the pool Jodie?

Jodie - Third period, two minutes in. Prime-cramping time. Hey Daria what do you have in the DeMartino pool?

Daria - I'm not going. I'm grounded.

Jodie - What did you do to get grounded? No offense.

Daria - None taken. Especially since I'm just a bizarre experiment in parental justice.

Mack - Experiment? On you?

Daria - Yeah, they deliberately exposed me to jurist prudence.

Kevin - Wow, that's a little twisted.

Daria - Yeah, the sad part is that these are the people responsible for my genetic makeup.

(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinnertable)

Helen - Great dinner honey, right girls?

Daria - Now walk to the exercise yard before lock-up.

Jake - Hey that's right! Any last words before grounding official begins?

Quinn - This sucks.

Helen - What have I said about using that word?

Quinn - That you would ground me or something?

Jake - Hey I wouldn't want to go back to family court if I were you. He he, I hear the judge is pretty tough.

(clock chimes)

Helen - See? The time will fly by in no time.

(in the living room)

Daria - (reading)

Quinn - (pacing back and forth) How can you sit there and read a book about an animal? That is so second grade.

(in the kitchen)

Jake - Quinn.

Quinn - (on the phone) Uh-huh. What were his eyes like? Uh-huh. Right.

Jake - Honey I need to make a call.

Quinn - I'll just be a sec Dad. What about his hair? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Would you say his teeth were more round or more squarish? Right. Uh-huh. I know, squarish is so hot. Now let's get back to the 6 other guys he was with.

Jake - (sighs and leaves)

(in the living room)

(family playing scrabble)

(at the pizza place)

Kevin - Then she said her parents are trying to change her generic makeup or something!

Brittany - They really should. I hate that generic makeup, it gives me hives!

Kevin - But it's so freaky babe, I mean, she's weird enough as it is.

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

Daria - (reading)

Quinn - (pacing back and forth) You know, the only thing actually worse than reading is watching somebody else read.

(in the kitchen)

Quinn - (on the phone) Really? You think that's gonna happen in the next six months? That would be so great.

Helen - Quinn, I really have to use the phone.

Quinn - Mom! I'm sorry but I think that learning about my future husband is a little more important right now.

Helen - What? Are you talking to that Clint person again?

Quinn - Who? No, it's my psychic buddy.

Helen - Hang up this instance those calls cost a fortune. I'm sorry but I need the phone and my daughter isn't all... what? Why yes I was about to call a client? Really? I believe he was born in August... Ooooh. (hangs up phone)

(in Daria's room)

Daria - (playing harmonica)

Jake - (knocks on door) Yeah, hi Daria I was wondering if maybe you could stop now.

Daria - Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls but when I play this rusty old harp, my soul flies, free as a bird.

Jake - I'm sorry honey, you go on, play.

Daria - Thank you.

(in the living room)

Daria - (reading)

Quinn - (pacing back and forth) Okay enough already I can't stand it. May I please borrow a book?

Daria - Try this. I think you'll get into it. (hands her The Iliad)

Quinn - Ha ha, very funny, now give me something that I can read.

Daria - No, I think you'll like it. It's about this girl who's so popular that everybody fights over her.

Quinn - Any horses in it?

Daria - As of a matter of a fact, there's a great big one.

Quinn - This is a trick isn't it.

Daria - Yes.

(at school, on the lawn)

Jodie - Kevin's all weirded out. He says her parents have come up with some sick punishment that gives her hives.

Jane - Her parents have been giving her hives for years. Look, I spoke to Daria, they're just sitting around the house. Come on, see for yourself.

(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinnertable playing Monopoly)

Daria - Well, well. The little dog comes home to Park Place. Park Place with a hotel. Dad? I'm afraid you own me 1600 dollars.

Jake - One, two twelve, seventeen... I have seventeen dollars.

Daria - Any property?

Jake - All mortgaged.

Daria - Care to make a deal?

Jake - I'd need infinite free passage through all your properties.

Daria - I can do that.

Jake - $5000...

Daria - Keep talking.

Jake - And all your railroads.

(doorbell rings)

Daria - I believe we can do business.

Helen - Jake! You cannot revoke Daria's grounding.

Jake - But I'm losing.

Daria - (opens door)

Jane - See, she's okay.

Jodie - I guess so.

Jane - Although, the clothing would disguise any electrodes below the neck.

Daria - What are you talking about?

Jane - There's been a lot of rumors about what you've been going through.

Daria - It's hell in here.

Jane - When does it end?

Daria - I don't care. It's been too long already. I've paid my debt.

Jodie - You mean...

Daria - That's right, I'm busting out.

(commercial break)

Daria - (on the phone) I made a tape of my harmonica music. I can climb down the lattice in under three minutes. And I know exactly how often the neighborhood security drives by. It'll be tight, but I think I can make it. Hold on. (beep)

Jane - Yeah.

Daria - (beep) Hello?

Helen - Daria, this is your mother. Would you tell Dad that I have to work late drafting a report?

Daria - You bet. Go get 'em tiger. (beep) Jane? (beep) Hold on. (beep) Hello?

Jake - Hey Daria, it's Dad. Would you tell mom that I've got dinner with a client tonight? A biggy!

Daria - Uh, I'll be sure to leave her that message.

Jake - Super. Bye-bye!

Daria - (beep) Jane?

Jane - Yeah?

Daria - New plan. Come over and pick me up. I'll be at the front door.

Jane - Later

(at front door)

Daria - (opens door)

Quinn - Hello?

Daria - Mom and Dad are taking the night off from being jailers so I'm taking the night off too.

Quinn - You're busting out?

Daria - The confinement has made me desperate. If I don't go out I'm afraid I might do something crazy.

Quinn - Really?

Daria - No, I'm going to the roller hockey game. Are you?

Quinn - Um, no. I'm not looking for any trouble, but you go ahead.

Daria - I suspect you have some scam worked out for yourself but since I can't prove anything I'm asking you not to rat out on me.

Quin - Hm, okay yes, I will do this thing you ask. But one day I may ask a favor of you.

Daria - Nevermind.

(at the roller hockey game)

Daria - Think anything has happened yet?

Jane - You mean anything cool? Nah, the ambulance is still in the lot.

Mack - Hey look, Daria's loose.

Jodie - See? I told you she was okay.

Brittany - She looks fine, for her.

Kevin - I don't know.

Jane - This could be it...

Mr. DeMartino - Come on, take your punishment like a man!

DJ - I'm not a man dude, I'm a rocker!

Mr. DeMartino - Why you... Where's your rock 'n roll power now!

DJ - (whacks Mr. DeMartino's leg)

Mr. DeMartino - (falls)

Andrea - Yes!

DJ - Woohoo! Rock 'n roll power forever!

Mr. DeMartino - My knee! (gets up)

Andrea - Damn.

Daria - I don't suppose we can still ask for a refund.

Jane - He could still have a heart attack. He tries walking on the bad knee and the pain is so bad, his heart stops.

Daria - Right.

Jane - Just trying to find the silver lining.

Kevin - They did mental stuff to her. I can tell.

Brittany - Nobody better try that on me!

Jodie - Yeah.

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

Helen - Quinn?

Quinn - (wakes up, sees book on her) Ugh! Get off me!

Helen - Where's Daria?

(at the roller hockey game)

Ms. Barch - (punching DJ) It's pay back time!

Jane - This isn't so bad!

Daria - Beats Monopoly.

(at Daria's house, outside)

Tommy - (throwing stones at Quinn's window) Quinn! Quinn!

Quinn - Tommy, go away.

Tommy - But you said...

Quinn - You're two hours late jerk. Oh, hi Daria.

(in the living room)

Quinn - Mom flipped last night when she found out where you went.

Daria - And how did that happen?

Quinn - I really don't know, oh look here she is now.

Daria - Your honor.

Jake - Haven't you already made enough mockery of our judicial system?

Daria - I just want to confer with my distinguished counterpart on the prosecution.

Helen - That seems fair.

(in the kitchen)

Helen - You can't possibly expect me to plea bargain, we're talking about a repeat offender here.

Daria - Okay, the kid screwed up. But she's not a hard case yet. She could go either way, unless she goes back to prison.

Helen - Daria, it's our policy to be tough, especially on youthful transgressors.

Daria - But think of the effort you have to spend on incarceration. Scrabble, Risk, Monopoly, Operation.

Helen - I see your point.

(in the living room)

Jake - Well?

Helen - Your honor, the family has offered to settle. Daria agrees to parole.

Daria - I have to call in if I'm going to be in later than 7pm.

Quinn - So what happened, does Daria have to pave the driveway or something?

Daria - I got off. Enjoy prison.

Quinn - Wait a minute!

Helen - Daria has proven that she understands the necessity for discipline.

Quinn - But you're sending me a bad message about whether I understand that whatever you said.

Jake - Good point.

Helen - Well, we'll give you parole on a trial basis.

Quinn - Okay, if Tommy calls tell him I'm on my way.

Daria - Listen, this new rules things wasn't a total failure. (hold up harmonica) Would you like to hear some Junior Wells?

Helen - You know what why don't you go out and find your friends and have a good time.

Jake - Come home late, ten thirty.

Daria - Hey thanks.

(at the Pizza place)

Jane - So basically you've convinced them that you were too dull to be worth grounding.

Daria - Exactly, and the sad thing is, it's kinda true.

Kevin - (walks up)

Daria - Kevin, I already told you, my parents did not conduct experiments on me.

Kevin - I know, I know, but seriously, now tell me the truth.

Daria - All right, I had a magnetic device implanted in my head.

Kevin - I knew it! What does it do?

Daria - It attracts gullible boys.

Kevin - Cool! Does it work?

Daria - It's working right now.

Kevin - Wow! Dude! That is very uncool.

Daria - There's not sadder sight on this earth, than a football player trying to think.

Jane - Who said that?

Daria - I believe it was Jefferson.