(at school, in Mr. DeMartino's history class)

Mr. DeMartino - And on this fateful day his followers obediently drank the poison brew. Jonestown, one charismatic reader exerting his demonic will over scores of followers. What lesson can we take from this tragic example of cult like behavior?

Kevin - Uh, BUIOB?

Mr. DeMartino - Please return to your stupor Kevin.

Kevin - Okay!

Mr. DeMartino - While we continue our discussion about cults. Can anyone give me a modern day example of a cult using cohesive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and social isolation to control over its members? Brittany!

Brittany - Cheerleading?

Mr. Demartino - Ah, Brittany, sometimes despite a complete lack of insight, you stumble upon an interesting answer.

Brittany - Wow, and I didn't even have to read the chapter!

Jane - She'll never have to worry about mind control.

Daria - No, But she'll have to watch out for ferrets building a nest in her head.

Mr. Demartino - Now remember your term papers are due Friday, and no excuses will be accepted.

(in the hallway)

Ronny - You want me to take over your baby-sitting job? I'm not sure Quinn.

Quinn - Please? Just this once. You're the only person I can trust to do this! I can tell by your eyes...

Ronny - Really?

Quinn - Yeah! They're so... sincere!

Ronny - Well...

Quinn - and your face, it's very... honest! You're so nice, and dependable, and...

Ronny - Nice? Sincere? You're never gonna go out with me, are you?

Quinn - No.

Jane - Hey, there's Quinn with one of her many admirers.

Daria - She's well liked among classmates of both sexes. And yet, strangely, she turns my stomach. Quinn, some guy named Skylar was looking for you this morning.

Quinn - Oh no, he figured out you're my sister?

Daria - Actually, he seemed to think I was your au pair. He asked me how I liked America so far.

Quinn - People are SO weird!

Daria - Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.

Jane - Later.

Ronny - Skylar Feldman?

Quinn - His family has a boat. It's almost summer!

Ronny - Yeah, right. Ask him to baby-sit for you.

Quinn - But he can't go out with me if I get he's baby-sitting.

Ronny - Then try your sister. She seems like the type who has plenty of Saturday nights free.

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

SSW - They bake cookies by day, but they really heat up the night. G-String grandmas, next on Sick, Sad, World.

Quinn - Gross!

Daria - For once, we're in agreement.

Quinn - This color looks nothing like melon, it's way too pink. Oh hey Daria, what are you doing Saturday night?

Daria - Forget it. I don't like kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid.

Quinn - But you gotta take my baby-sitting job! I could end up all summer on some public beach. Six bucks an hour!

Daria - Oooh, I could make a down payment on that isolated mountain cabin.

Quinn - I'll pay you a two dollar an hour bonus. You can do your homework and earn money at the same time.

Daria - Well, there is that history paper I haven't started yet... But if I baby-sat for you, then technically, I'd be doing you a favor. And that simply can not be.

Helen - (walking by) There's angel hair in the freezer girls, and don't forget tomorrow we're hosting the couples workshop, it's focus on teens night! I expect you to be there.

Quinn - Sorry Mom, I have a date. Remember what you said on Saturday? A commitment's a commitment.

Helen - (sighs) Well I guess I did say that. Well I'll see you there Daria.

Daria - I can't.

Helen and Quinn - You?

Daria - I'm baby-sitting.

(in Quinn's room)

Helen - Oh no, the laundry shrank your shirt.

Quinn - No, they didn't.

Helen - You know, I used to wear mini skirts. But life goes on. Well I was surprised to hear about Daria's baby-sitting job tomorrow night.

Quinn - Yeah! I was too!

Helen - Especially since it's for the Guptys, and they usually call you.

Quinn - I know! People are so weird!

Helen - In fact, I remember something about you going over there tomorrow night?

Quinn - You know, I think they did shrink my shirt!

Helen - Quinn, how do you expect to get anywhere in this world if you don't stick to your commitments?

Quinn - But I didn't mean to double-book. It's hard to keep track of dates when you're attractive and popular.

Helen - I can't have another fiasco like last Saturday night. Think of how it must have felt when those three boys all showed up at the same time!

Quinn - It felt great!

Helen - I meant them. You know the time-management consultant I've been seeing?

Quinn - Doris Doright?

Helen - Deena Decker. I'm going to have to book us for a mother-daughter session.

Quinn - Like a class?

Helen - Think of it as a makeover. My treat.

Quinn - Well... Okay.

Helen - I'm so excited! Talk about an efficient use of quality time!

(on the phone)

Mr. Gupty - Now Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules. Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because we don't allow that.

Daria - No problem, I'm flying solo these days.

Mrs. Gupty - Then I guess it's not an issue.

Daria - Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.

Mrs. Gupty - What?

Quinn - He he, she's kidding Mrs. Gupty, my sister's a big kidder, ha ha Daria.

Daria - Ha ha Quinn.

Mr. Gupty - Well, you'll need a sense of humor to tangle with our devils.

Mrs. Gupty - Lester!

Mr. Gupty - No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday Daria!

Daria - Bye! (hangs up phone) Ten dollars surcharge if I have to spend more than fifteen minutes with the parents.

Quinn - That's fair.

(at Deena Decker's office)

Deena - Prioritizing, it's the first step towards stream-lining your life. Helen, please share your list of priorities, stating the most important first.

Helen - 1. Spend more time with my family, 2. Break through the firm's glass ceiling, 3. Beat the pants of Carly Fishbeck in the library board election, 4. Put the spice back in my marriage.

Quinn - Mom!

Helen - 4. Window treatments, for the living room.

Deena - Great, and what are your priorities Quinn?

Quinn - 1. Dating, 2. Shopping, 3. Bouncy hair, 4. School.

Helen - You don't have to rush sweetie, maybe you would like to rethink the order.

Deena - Helen, Quinn is just being honest. You can't get anywhere unless we take a hard, honest look at what really matters.

Helen - 1. Get the spice back into my marriage.

Deena - Quinn, here's your very own teen life runner, just like Mom's.

Helen - My baby's all grown up.

Deena - Don't forget to enter this experience on your proud moments summary page.

Quinn - I can't use this thing, it's ugly!

Deena - Customized styles are available for an extra charge.

Quinn - I'll take the coral. Leather.

Deena - We also sell a matching lipstick and compact that fits right inside the planner.

Quinn - Now I'll be attractive, popular, and organized!

(commercial break)

(on the phone)

Jane - If they start to drive you nuts, tell them you know this great game called cemetery. They have to lie on the floor and pretend they're dead. The first one who moves or makes a sound loses.

Daria - This whole thing is giving me the creeps. I can't even think about that stupid history paper.

Jane - Relax, I'll be there by 8.

(car beeps)

Quinn - (looks out window) Hey Daria, what kind of car do you think that is?

Daria - See ya later. (hangs up phone and goes over to window) Isn't that the neuvo reege sports sedan? What are you doing?

Quinn - Date evaluation system. Convertible get bonus points. Coral! Is life great or what? Bye!

Daria - (sighs and starts to leave)

Jake - Hey Daria, where are you going? It's couples therapy night!

Daria - Baby-sitting job Dad.

Jake - Wish I had a baby-sitting job.

Daria - What?

Jake - Those couples, they're such a bunch of wimps. Always so freaking insensitive.

Daria - Hang in there Dad, you'll meet some insensitive couples, I'm sure of it.

Jake - Thanks kiddo!

(at the Gupty's house)

Daria - Hi Mrs. Kewpie.

Mrs. Gupty - What?

Daria - Mrs. Gupty.

Mrs. Gupty - Please Daria, call me Lauren. Come on in, we're almost ready.

Daria - She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes... she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes...

Flashback #1:

Quinn - (crying)

Daria - Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her now?

Babysitter - (sobs)

Flashback #2:

Quinn - Brain!

Daria - Brat!

Quinn - Brain!

Daria - Brat!

Quinn - Brain!

Babysitter - Stop that! Stop that! Oh! (drops cane) It's my heart!

Flashback #3:

Daria - You know, she stuffs her bra.

Quinn - Hi, I'm Quinn. I'll be allowed to date in four years.

Mr. Gupty - Here they are, the little monster!

Mrs. Gupty - Lester! We don't let sitters use the phone but we made an exception for Quinn after she explained that she calls her Grandmother every hour.

Daria - My Grandmother?

Mr. Gupty - To tell her to take her pill.

Daria - Oh yeah. Actually, tonight it's my turn.

Mrs. Gupty - Now Daria, here's your schedule. As you can see we've broken everything down into fifteen minute increments. Let's review it together.

Daria - Do you know a woman named Deena Decker by any chance?

Mrs. Gupty and Mr. Gupty - Yes!

Daria - 8:15, discuss current events. 8:30, snack time. 8:45, post-snack flossing.

Mr. Gupty - And the vocabulary word for tonight, is indemnification.

Mrs. Gupty - We left food for you in the fridge. Have fun kids.

Tad and Tricia - Bye Mom, bye Dad!

Daria - Okay, you can drop the angel act.

Tricia - What do you mean?

Tad - Is it time to floss yet?

(time passes)

Tricia - We're supposed to be discussing current events.

Daria - I have a headache. Is that current enough for you?

Tad - Is Quinn really your sister?

Daria - Yeah.

Tricia - Then how come her hair is so much bouncier than yours.

(time passes)

Daria - Oh look, there's been a last minute change in the schedule. It's time to watch TV.

Tad - But too much TV is bad for you.

Tricia - It can turn you into a zombie Daria.

Daria - Well, that'll make three of us. (turns on TV, finds only the Forecast Channel) Your parents put on of those lock-out things on here didn't they? All I'm getting is the forecast channel.

Tad and Tricia - Yay! The five-day report!

Tricia - That means, the midwestern business planner is next!

Tad - See Tricia, I told you the barometric pressure was falling.

Tricia - Know-it-all.

(commercials start)

Tad - Commercials are bad.

Tricia - Commercials lie.

Daria - Let's move snack time up to 8:15. We'll get to flossing quicker.

Tad and Tricia - Yay!

(at Chez Pierre)

Skylar - Quinn, I know that plenty of guys want to go out with you, and plenty of girls want to go out with me. And that makes me think we should be together.

Quinn - Oh Skylar, you're number one in my book. By 14 points.

Skylar - Will you excuse me? I'll be right back.

(at the Gupty's house)

Daria - Raisins?

Tad - Raisons are nature's candy.

Daria - Then why do they have to cover them with chocolate to sell them at the movies.

Tricia - Sugar is bad.

Tad - Sugar rots your teeth.

Tricia - Sugar makes you hyper.

Tad - Hitler ate sugar.

(in Tad and Tricia's bedroom)

Tad and Tricia - (singing along with record) I can hope and I can dream and I am full of, full of, full of, full of, self-esteem! Then the tortoise had a race, the tortoise won, he took first place, he knew he really passed the test because he did his very best. So very mad was Mr. Hare, he claimed the race, it wasn't fair, who won, who cares, it's all the same, what counts is how you play the game. I can hope and I can dream and I am full of, full of, full of, full of, self-esteem!

Daria - This record is shot. Why don't you ask your parents to get you the CD?

Tad - Compact discs were forced upon consumers so that record companies could increase their profit margins.

Daria - That's important for a six year old to know.

Tricia - Let's play it again!

(Tad and Tricia play cemetery)

Tad - (sneezes)

Tricia - I win!

Daria - Okay, that's enough cemetery. Let's play a new game. It's called Lichen.

Tad and Tricia - Yeah!

Daria - Here are the rules. Lie on the floor and make believe you're a fungus on an old tree trunk. First one to move, or drop a spore, loses. (calls Jane) Hey, Grandma, it's time for your damn pill. You were supposed to be here an hour ago. I'm desperate.

Jane - I had to wait for my ride. Trent just got back from rehearsal, relax, I'm on my way.

Tricia - Tad dropped a spore...

Tad - Did not! It was a raison!

Daria - Bring junk food...

(commercial break)

Tricia - Quinn always lets me fix her hair.

Daria - Her bouncy hair? Find something else to do.

Tricia - I guess we can listen to the record some more.

Daria - Okay, the hair it is.

Tad - I'll shine your shoes!

Daria - Do you always do what adults tell you?

Tad - Yes!

Daria - Do you always believe everything they say?

Tricia - Yup!

Daria - But what if two adults say exactly opposite things?

Tad - (starts to cry)

Tricia - (pulls Daria's hair) You're mean!

(doorbell rings)

Daria - (opening door) Thank god you're hear.

Jane - All hail, Pippi Longstocking. Hey Trent, come look at this!

Daria - (pulls Jane in and slams door)

(in Tad and Tricia's room)

Daria - Where did you learn to baby-sit?

Jane - I used to help with my sister Summer's kids. Till they got old enough to run away.

Tad - Can I exfoliate your skin?

Daria - Quinn lets you do that?

Tad - Quinn doesn't need it.

Daria - Yes, well, you've used exfoliate, the vocabulary word of the night. So now it's time for bed.

Tricia - But the vocabulary word of the day is indemnification.

Daria - Made you say it.

Jane - Okay kids, we're all suited up so it's time to blast off to sleepy land!

Daria - I guess I just don't speak the language.

Tad - But you have to read us a bedtime story first.

Tricia - It's on the schedule.

Jane - Sure is. Right before ear canal irrigation and praying for world peace.

Daria - (looking through books) Mr. Potty goes to Town, The tidy Teddy Bear Family, Kaneesha's first Kwanza.

Jane - The Ten Arguments for the Elimination of Television Pop-up Activity books.

Daria - Isn't there something decent to read?

Jane - Got some old classics over here!

Daria - They'll do.

(times passes)

Daria - So Cinderella skipped the ball and asked her fairy Godmother to make her the first woman president. Realizing that the monarchy was becoming obsolete, the prince opened a video store.

Tad - That's not how it goes.

Tricia - But I like better this way.

(times passes)

Jane - And then, the little engine decided that he just wasn't the competitive type.

(times passes)

Daria - So Old Mother Hubbard tracked down the deadbeat loser and made him pay child support.

(times passes)

Jane - And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state which recognized their marriage as legal.

(times passes)

Daria - And the truth is, no one will ever ask to see your permanent record.

Tad - Wow, you guys are smart.

Daria - I think that's enough for tonight.

Tricia - Gee, Mom and Dad never told us that people can think for themselves.

Tad - Yeah, or that Tom Cruise is five foot four!

Tricia - Daria? Jane? How do we know that what you tell us is the truth?

Daria - You don't. And that's the greatest lesson of all.

Jane - We made up that part about aliens living under the North Pole.

Tricia - I thought so.

Jane - Hey, the kid's gonna be all right!

(in the living room)

Daria - Well, they're finally asleep. Think you can fix that?

Jane - (fiddling with remote) Think I can fix it?

SSW - Tonight, on Sick, Sad World, a prime-time special about people just like you, only more pathetic.

Daria - Just in time.

Jane - I guess you're not going to work on your paper.

Daria - I'll have to get an extension. Right now I'm having trouble remembering my own name.

Tad - Can we have a drink of water?

Tricia - Cool! Mudwrestling!

Tad - Oh, busted! Kick it to the curb, girlfriend!

Tricia - This is fun! You're my favorite baby-sitter Daria.

Tad - Me too!

Daria - Just don't tell your parents we let you stay up late.

Tad - Do we look stupid or something?

Daria - So much progress in one night.

(outside Daria's house)

Skylar - So when do you want to go out again?

Quinn - How about a week from Thursday? I'm booked until then.

Skylar - I thought you were my girlfriend now.

Quinn - But I can't cancel all my other dates. I have to stick to my commitments. Besides, I wrote them down in pen.

Skylar - Wednesday, Eric? But he's my best friend! And who's Bob?

Quinn - No that's B period O period B period. It stands for boy on bike. I didn't catch his name.

Skylar - Let me see that!

Quinn - Hey!

Skylar - Wow, what's this! Long term plans, September break up with Skylar, October go out with Taylor?

QUinn - His parents have a ski house!

(at the Gupty's house)

Mrs. Gupty - Hi Daria, how did it go, any problems?

Daria - It sure is hard to tear them away from their oral hygiene routines. But other than that...

Mr. Gupty - Well, thanks for coming over. We'd hate to miss Couple's Therapy Night.

Mrs. Gupty - I just love the new picture in the living room.

Daria - You were at my house?

Mrs. Gupty - Yes, and we had a breakthrough tonight. Your father cried.

(at school, in Mr. DeMartino's History class)

Mr. DeMartino - Brittany, although your topic, "The Cult of Abs" was an intriguing one, I'm afraid that the choice of photo collage, rather than actual text, did not work to your advantage.

Brittany - D, bummer. And I ruined all my magazines!

Mr. DeMartino - Your paper was excellent. And the original research was thought provoking, although it would probably be consider a felony in most states.

(in the hallway)

Jane - "The Real-Life Experiment in Mind Control Deprogramming."

Daria - Subtitle, "My Night at the Gupty's." I guess I got inspired.

Jane - Talk about an efficient use of quality time.

(at the Gupty's house)

Tad and Tricia - I am cool and that is it, and everyone else is full of, full of, full of...

Mrs. Gupty - Tad!

Mr. Gupty - Tricia!