(at school, in Ms. Barch's science class)

Daria - Stops the girl from crying, ever.

Ms. Barch - Right...

Daria - Years later seeing an airplane or hearing one fly overhead can unleash a Pandora’s box of repressed anger, shattering the grown child's fragile psyche and triggering a psychotic or possibly deadly episode.

Ms. Barch - I like the way you think. Kevin, Daria will be your lab partner!

Brittany - What?

Ms. Barch - You two will design a maze, and condition Kevin, I mean condition the mouse using positive or negative reinforcement.

Brittany - But babe, we've never been separated before on a lab project, what will we do?

Daria - Pass?

Ms. Barch - Brittany, Charles will be your partner.

Brittany - But Ms. Barch, I'm a cheerleader!

Upchuck - Give me an Rrrrrrr....

Kevin - I really like doing mazes. Those ones on the back of cereal boxes are cool.

Daria - Well, now I'm excited.

Ms. Barch - Shut up Mack!

(in cafeteria)

Daria - So now, Kevin's my lab partner.

Jane - Next best thing to working alone.

Daria - Oh no, he likes mazes.

Jane - Maybe you could get a wind-up toy to distract him.

Daria - His wind-up toy is working with Upchuck.

Kevin - (walking up) Hey Daria, mind if we do this maze thing at your house? My cable's broken.

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

SSW - It's 911 in the morning, and 1-900 in the evening. Phone-sex EMS dispatchers, when Sick, Sad World returns.

Helen - Daria, I heard that you're working with Kevin Thompson on a science project. He's quarterback of the football team, isn't he?

Quinn - Brittany was sobbing in the bathroom.

Helen - Science is fascinating, tell me about it honey.

Daria - I can't, I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad.

Helen - Oh, forget it. Quinn, how was your day?

Quinn - It sucked. First, my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra’s makeup an F, like he would know! Then my heel broke, and like the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...

Helen - Daria, please tell me about the project.

Daria - (sighs) It's about how behavior is affected by negative or positive reinforcement.

Helen - Sounds super!

Daria - Like, say you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great." This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life and killed a bug, and thus becomes negative reinforcement, causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.

Helen - Wow, that's fantastic! Maybe if you and Kevin work well together he'll associate you with feeling good, and want to include you in his circle of friends.

Daria - Do you really believe that?

Helen - Believe? In what sense?

Quinn - Maybe I'll help with the project. I'm into science.

Helen - Quinn, that's great.

Daria - What exactly do you like about science?

Quinn - Um, like now they can make perfume without hurting little bunnies.

(doorbell rings)

Quinn - Door!

(phone rings)

Helen - Phone!

(Quinn runs to door and opens it)

Quinn - Hey Kevin.

Kevin - Hi Quinn. (Daria walks up) Hey Daria! I'm ready to do this maze thing.

Quinn - I'm helping. Let's go!

Daria - Wait a minute Kevin, there's something I want you to see.

(everyone walks into living room)

Daria - (turns on TV) Look Kevin. The Pigskin Channel. Great big guys slamming into other great big guys. Fun.

Kevin - Cool! Good thing I have nothing planned!

Daria - I guess it's just you and me. Got your saw and sand paper?

Quinn - Um, actually, I'm like needed here more. Right Kevin? (no answer) Kevin, if you want a pillow or anything there's one on that chair.

Kevin - Thanks babe, just put it behind my back.

Quinn - Shouldn't you be working on your project, you know, teaching a mouse to fetch or whatever?

Daria - Looks like there's plenty of fetching going on already.

Quinn - Kevin if you want some soda or something there's some in the fridge. I know I'm kind of thirsty.

Kevin - Thanks babe, could you like, put some ice into it?

Quinn - How many cubes?

Kevin - Two is cool.

(at Upchuck's house, in the garage)

Brittany - (walks in wearing disguise)

Upchuck - Welcome to Casa de Chuck fellow seniorita. Don't worry toots, this torrid affair, shall remain our little secret, as it must.

Brittany - Listen Upchuck, you come near me and Kevin will punch your...

Upchuck - Kevin? Kevin's busy now, with Daria... But you're right, passion can wait, until we've constructed our maze. There's a saw.

Brittany - Excuse me, I don't do saws.

Upchuck - Oh, my fragile petal, either you do your share, or I tell everyone we're dating.

Brittany - Who would believe that?

Upchuck - But they would believe, (takes out picture of Brittany making out with another guy) this...

Brittany - (gasps)

Upchuck - Isn't that Sam Stacks? Quarterback for, Oakwood? Our rival?

Brittany - But Kevin and I broke up that week! Wait, how did you get this? You pervert!

Upchuck - Silly me, I was taking pictures and forgot I had the telephoto lenses on. (Brittany tries to grab the picture) Uh uh uh... On second thought, I'll start the maze, you can get me a soda.

Brittany - Huh?

Upchuck - In the kitchen? I take two cubes. Not one, not three, two. He, he, he... slave for a week.

(commercial break)

(at Daria's house in the living room)

Kevin - (to TV) Go, go, go!

Quinn - Gee Kevin, I hope the steak isn't too medium rare.

Kevin - You suck! That's my team! Oh, the steak? It's cool. And I really like this yellow dip! Hey tomorrow night, let's have sloppy joes.

Quinn - I was thinking tomorrow night you might take me to Chez Pierre. The food there is like really good and the waiters are like really foreign.

Kevin - Gee babe, seems to be plenty of good food here.

Quinn - Yes, but...

Kevin - Oh you suck you suck you suck!

(doorbell rings)

Quinn - (Walks to door and opens it, see a wet, dripping Brittany) Ewww! What happened to you?

Brittany - That despicable Upchuck made me change the water in his fishtank. Is Kevin here?

Quinn - Sorry Brittany but he's really busy working on the maze thing and can't be disturbed.

Kevin - Hey Quinn, what's for desert?

Brittany - But...

Quinn - Gotta go! (slams door)

(in garage)

Daria - (working on maze)

Kevin - (walks in)

Daria - Kevin, what are you doing here? Did you get lost?

Kevin - No, I mean, sorta. Hey cool! You finished the maze! That must have taken, like forever. (grabs door and breaks it off) Oops! Sorry...

Daria - Kevin, I want you to put the door down and step away from the maze. And no one will get hurt.

Kevin - (sees mouse) Hey, is this the mouse we're training?

Daria - You don't recognize him after all your hours together?

Kevin - Can you make him stand on his head?

Daria - Not right now. He's exhausted from jumping rope.

Quinn - (walks in with cake) Look what I made Kevin!

Daria - No ice-cream? I wouldn't put up with that if I were you.

Kevin - Yeah, thanks Quinn, leave it by the TV.

Quinn - Leave it by the TV. It's like, we're already going out.

Brittany - There you are.

Kevin - Yo babe!

Brittany - So like, what have you been doing all night?

Kevin - Um, working?

Brittany - Wow, this looks really complicated. Kevin, you're so smart, explain it to me.

Kevin - Um... well, see... there's this path. Oh wait, there's two paths. Cool!

Brittany - Working huh? You could at least hide the evidence. Now tell me, what's going on here?

Daria - Relax Brittany, have a nice big piece of the chocolate layer cake Quinn made just for Kevin.

Brittany - Oh, you, you! Vixen! Come on, we're leaving!

Kevin - But it's only half time, I mean, Daria needs me.

Daria - Yeah. He has three more door to break.

Kevin - Yeah!

Upchuck - Oh Brittany!

Brittany - Ugh, all right, I'm going, but I'm warning you, miss, smarty, miss. I know how to fight for my man.

Kevin - What man?!?!

(in Pizza Place)

Jane - If you were really good you'd get the mouse to stay off both paths. You know, like Dada. Everything is useless.

Daria - I wouldn't do that to the mouse. But it might be fun to try it on...

Kevin - (walks up) So Daria, we still have a lot of work to do on this maze thing, right?

Daria - Yeah, but I don't expect you to maintain your laser-like focus of the past week.

Kevin - Cool! Whatever. Hey, maybe I'll stop by your house tonight, after the Steeler's game.

Daria - That's not really necessary.

Kevin - Oh wait, I can't! I promised Quinn I'd help her practice her back massage technique.

Jane - Does this boy always think of other's first?

(at another table)

Joey - Kevin's been hanging out at that Daria chick's house like every night this week!

Jeffy - But that chick's a brain.

Jamie - There must be something we don't know.

Joey - We've gotta find out!

(Brittany and Jodie walk in)

Brittany - Ugh! Can you believe Daria's trying to take Kevin away from me?

Jodie - I can't believe anyone would try to take Kevin away from you.

Brittany - Thanks, you're a friend. (walks up to Kevin) Kevin, the new Whitney Houston movie is out and I want you to take me. Tonight.

Kevin - Can't babe, gotta work with Daria. You know, science.

Daria - That's all right, Dr. Pasteur, you can take the night off.

Kevin - But Daria, that's a chick movie!

Jane - Psst! Brittany's a chick!

Brittany - I heard that! What show are we going to?

Kevin - Um, gotta go, practice! (runs out)

Brittany - If you think you can take Kevin away from me, you're wrong. Because he's my Kevin and you're a brain.

Daria - You know Brittany, that was actually a very astute observation about the likelyhood of my dating your boyfriend.

Jane - Or it is, former boyfriend?

(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie walk up)

Quinn - Hi! Joey, Jeffy, Jimmy?

Jeffy - So Daria, are you doing anything tonight?

Daria - She just called you Jimmy.

Jamie - Whatever, how about tomorrow night?

Brittany - Hi! Guys! Hi Joey! Hey, tell me that really funny story again about how you made chocolate come out of your nose?

Joey - Hey Daria, you feel like hitting a movie? You chicks dig Whitney Houston, right?

Quinn - (walks up) Joey, Jeffy, Jameal? Which one of you guys wants to walk me home?

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Me! I will! Me!

Brittany - (sit at table with Jodie) Ugh! How can I compete against sisters? There's only one of me!

Jodie - Maybe you can get your brother to wear a skirt!

Brittany - My brother... (pager goes off) Damnit Upchuck!

(in Upchuck's house - garage)

Upchuck - Excellent!

Brittany - Okay, I shined your spoon collection, filed your disgusting magazines, and finished your shopping. Can I go now?

Upchuck - I'm sorry Brittany, but I specifically said I wanted the honey that comes in a bear, not a jar.

Brittany - Ugh, you, you weasel!

Upchuck - And remember Kevin, it was the week that you two had broken up... So I don't think you should be too angry at backseat Brittany.

Brittany - Oooooh....

(in Daria's house - living room)

Quinn - I am kind of dating Kevin. Yeah, well older guys just go for me. They like to take me to expensive restaurants. Hold on, another call. Roderick! Sure, I date guys your age. I mean, sometimes. Hey, have you ever been to Chez Pierre? (doorbell rings, Quinn walks to door and opens it)

Brittany - (holds up paper bag) Kevin wants this.

Quinn - (points her to garage and closes door) See you on Wednesday, gotta go. Hello? Matthew?

(in the garage)

Brittany - (trying to catch mouse) Now don't say a word! (mouse bites her and falls into shoebox) Oh! You icky little... animal. Okay you Morgendorffers temptresses. You are going to have to find a new excuse if you want to drag my Kevin over here now.

(commercial break)

(at Brittany's house - in brother's room)

Brittany - (gives mouse to brother) Don't let this mouse go out of your sight, okay?

Brother - (opens shoebox and laughs)

(at Daria's house - in the garage)

Daria - (looks at empty maze, finds honey in bear-shaped jar in a paper bag) I don't even want to know.

(doorbell rings)

Daria - (walks up to door and answers it) Kevin, I have some bad news.

Kevin - Oh, your cable's broken?

Daria - I...

Kevin - The game got canceled?

Daria - No, listen.

Kevin - They're running the game opposite...

Daria - Listen! Our mouse is gone.

Kevin - Oh boy, Daria. You really had me going for a minute.

Daria - Kevin, without the mouse, we fail. And we don't time to train a new one.

Kevin - Bummer. I wish there was something I can do, but what?

(in living room)

Kevin - (watching TV)

Jake - (walks in)

Kevin - Hey Mr. Morgendorffer.

Jake - It's Jake, my man, Jake! You know, I went out for football in military school, but the other kids taunted me. Said I ran funny. Well I've shown them. Those smug little turds. I'm my own boss now, damnit! I've got the house and my paychecks, all of them are in the stinkin' rice patties of the world! At least that's the way I like to think of it. Hey, how about a soda?

Kevin - Sure, I like two ice cubes.

Jake - Me too!

Quinn - (walks in wearing mini skirt) Kevin, do you think my skirt is too short?

Kevin - Go, go, go!

Daria - (walks in with paperbag and bear) Quinn, do you know anything about this?

Quinn - Oh right, like some plastic bear is going to make Kevin choose Brittany over me.

Daria - Brittany?

Quinn - Yeah, she left it in the garage over Kevin. Shoot me if I ever get that desperate. Hey Kevin?

Jake - My teen years, a nightmare of shame, guilt, they didn't call it self-love then Kevin, they called it self-abuse.

(at school, in the hallway)

Kevin - But babe, I didn't do anything wrong?

Brittany - Don't lie to me, it's all over school that you're dating both Daria and Quinn.

Kevin - Really? Wow, twins.

(Daria walks up)

Brittany - Quit following Kevin!

Daria - (sees mouse bite on Brittany's hand) Gee Brittany, what happened to your hand?

Brittany - Uh, um, faulty eyelash curler.

Daria - I just told Ms. Barch about that disappearing mouse. She says if we don't turn the project in tomorrow we'll have to do a make-up experiment. A really big make-up experiment. It could take weeks, even months.

Kevin - Cool!

Daria - Do you have a camera? You might want to take a picture of Kevin so you'll remember what he looks like.

Brittany - Why, you...

Daria - See you at eight Kevin. Oh, and I'll tell Quinn to fire up the grill.

Brittany - Wait, okay so I stole the rotten little rat. But I did it for us, and Whitney. I just couldn't stand being away from you any longer.

Kevin - Babe...

Daria - This is all very touching. Brittany, a deal. The mouse for Kevin.

Brittany - Deal. (in mind - "sucker")

Daria - (in mind - "sucker")

Brittany - Let's go Kevin.

Kevin - Daria, I can still come over and watch the pigskin channel, right?

Brittany and Daria - (in mind - "jerk")

(at Daria's house - in garage)

Brittany - (hands over shoebox with mouse)

Daria - Let me guess, you have a little brother.

Brittany - How did you know?

Daria - (takes out mouse, puts it maze. Mouse cowers and doesn't move)

Kevin - Cool! The maze thing really works!

Daria - Yeah. That mouse it just ripping off the path to the food box.

Kevin - Oh. Oh yeah.

Brittany - Come on, let's go over to my place and watch the pigskin channel on my new satellite dish.

Kevin - Wow! How did you talk them into getting a dish?

Brittany - I told them I wanted to watch the History Channel.

Quinn - (walks in) Kevin? Where are you going?

Kevin - Oh, I'm heading over to Britt's to watch TV!

Quinn - Wait! I can get a bear. I'll get two bears. Three!

Daria - Goldilocks complex. She's seeing a therapist.

Jake - (walks in) Hey Kev! I missed you dude! Come on, the game's about to begin! And I found my old journal!

Brittany - What is it with this family?

(at school, in Ms. Barch's science class)

Ms. Barch - Brittany, Charles, you're up.

Upchuck - Well,

Ms. Barch - Brittany, did you go with negative or positive reinforcement?

Brittany - Um, negative? I mean, positive?

Upchuck - Please, Ms. Barch, let me...

Ms. Barch - Charles shut your miserable cheating mouth! Brittany, continue.

Brittany - The mouse, um, it's supposed to run down the path, right?

Ms. Barch - Brittany and Chuck, you fail.

Upchuck - Ahh!

Ms. Barch - Shut up Upchuck! Daria? Kevin.

(time passes)

Daria - In conclusion, this mouse, through no fault of my own, Brittany, was repeatedly abused by a ten-year-old boy. So the mouse's primary response to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions also occur in humans. Take the mugging victim, beaten with numchucks in an alleyway. As he or she recalls the attacker's face, his scraggly goatee and cheap dangly earring, she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race, or taste in jewelry.

Kevin - Really?

Ms. Barch - Don't interrupt, table scum. Very good job, Daria. You get an A.

Kevin - All right!

Ms. Barch - Not you, you man. You get a D.

Kevin - All right!

(in the hallway)

Kevin - You know Daria, I really liked hanging out at your house and working on the maze.

Daria - Yeah, the week just flew by.

Kevin - Thanks! I'm having a really big party, Friday. And I want a lot of really cool people there. Could you...

Daria - Yes?

Kevin - Ask Quinn if she can make it?