(in Daria's room)

SSW Lady - An encyclopedia is an unusual product for a supermodel to promote, isn't it?

Model - But what's difference about my encylclopedia is that you only buy the letter you find attractive. And it has big margins for your own pictures!

SSW Lady - I've said it before, I'll say it again. You have the coolest room.

Daria - It's got pros and cons. You can't hurt yourself in here. But you can't hurt anybody else either.

Jane - I wish there had been a schizophrenic shut-in living in our house before we moved in. Of course, we've got Trent there now, that's almost the same thing.

Daria - My mother's threatening to redecorate again. Everytime she brings it up I stumble and grab a handrail. But I think she's catching on.

Jane - You need to stumble somewhere else in the house. Cut yourself badly. She'll reconsider.

Daria - Thanks for your help.

SSW - Next, on Sick, Sad World - the Malibu Primate Diet.

(in Mr. O'Neill's English class)

Mr. O'Neill - Is Mr. Thoroae really turning his back on the world by moving to Waldon pond? Or is he by his example trying desperately to save the world, after all? Normandy?

Brittany - Brittany. He wasn't at to Waldon Pond because he was mad at the world. He was just mad at Jane Fonda. You know he was her father in real life too?

Mr. O'Neill - Hmmm...

Ms. Li - (bursting in) Good morning! I hope I'm not disrupting the learning process.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, no.

Ms. Li - I've got some exciting information for you all. A team of talent scouts from Amazon Models will be here this week as part of their national talent search and the most promising Lawndale student will receive a professional modeling contract.

Brittany - They got my letter!

Jodie - Why here?

Ms. Li - I guess they found out what a good looking group you are. But, seriously, this is a great opportunity for you, and even greater for Lawndale High.

Daria - Excuse me?? Isn't modeling about dropping out of school to pursue a career based soley on your youth and your looks, bothe of which are declared over by age 25.

Ms. Li - Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Jane - And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding the roller coaster to hell?

Ms. Li - Modeling is a competitive field, yes. But the financial rewards are great. As principal I'd be cheating the student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.

Daria - Excuse me, can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?

Ms. Li - That is really none of your business!

Daria - But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential.

Ms. Li - The school is receiving a fee for it's cooperation, but every cent is giong to capital improvements! We're finally going to get those bullet proof skylights for the swimming pool.

Jane - Well, I for one am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modeling spirit.

Ms. Li - Excellant!

Jane - May I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast.

(in the cafeteria)

Daria - Where's your lunch?

Jodie - I ate during student council.

Jane - Come one, you're not fooling anybody, you fed your lunch to a stray dog. She's have that modelling contract before we even get a chance.

Daria - You really oughta stick to mineral water and parsley.

Jodie - You know, you don't always have to be against everything. If a kid wants to take a modelling class, you can't tell her no.

Daria - But you don't have to let the fashion mob push the classes on school grounds either.

Jane - Yeah, it's not fair to the drug dealers. They have to wait behind the parking lot.

Jodie - It's completely voluntary - what's the problem?

Daria - No problem. But why stop at modeling? Maybe there's a go-go bar downtown that would like to come recruit lap dancers.

Jodie - Don't mention that idea to Brittany.

(in Mrs. Bennet's Economics Class)

Mrs. Bennet - The fashion industry may be a considered perfect impliment toward market place psychology. The business insures it's own survival by training consumers to focus on arbitrary rather than quality and durability.

(Claude and Romanica enter laughing)

Mrs. Bennet - Hi! You must be the representatives from the Amazon Modelling Agency.

Claude - Well, I would hope so, we're a little long in the tube to be attending high school.

Romanica - Speak for yourself, grandpa-pa.

Mrs. Bennet - I was just telling the class about how the fashion industry uses customer psychology to perpetuate itself in the marketplace.

Claude - You know, if the hem of that skirt was an inch higher you'd have a look as up to date as tomorrow.

Mrs. Bennet - Do you think so?

Claude - Show off those gabs girlfriend.

Brittany - This is the most exciting day of my life! Being a model is all I've ever wanted to be!

Kevin - Hey...

Brittany - I mean besides being the girlfriend of the cutest guy on the team! Oh, and winning the national high school cheerleading championship! Oh yeah, and helping the starving kids in the desert, or whereever.

Romanica - Well, let's have a look! Hmmmm... lovely. What is you name?

Brittany - Brittany? Is that okay? Because I was thinking of changing it to Blue...

Claude - Can you take off your coat and walk for us?

Romanica - Just slip out of that jacket and do a little runaway sweetie.

(Brittany walks up and down the class room)

Romanica - That was just wonderful! Don't you think so Claude?

Claude - Wonderful? Astonishing! We'll see you in class, Blue.

Romanica - Now, who else in this room is a potential superstar of fashion? (looks at Jane) You! You have a very interesting look! Have you ever considered the achingly glamorous life as a model? (Jane shows her a picture she drew) You're more interested in the design end of things.

Claude - That's an excellant likings of you, darling. (sees Daria) Oh, look at you. So waif like, so pouty. Could you remove your glasses?

Daria - Could you remove your halter top?

Claude - Pardon?

Daria - I can't take my glasses off. I need them to see scam artists.

(at home, sitting around the dinner table)

Daria - So then Ms. Li admits to only doing this for new bullet proof skylights. The whole thing is sick enough to turn your stomach. Which I guess is good if you want to become a model, eases the transition into bulimia.

Helen - You really feel strong about this.

Daria - Why do you mean?

Helen - Well, you're talking to me.

Daria - Well, yeah, well.

Helen - I'm glad you feel strongly about it Daria, and for the record, I agree with you.

Jake - So do I!

Daria - I supposed you realize that now I have to reconsider my position.

Helen - These people sounds like opportunists who are feeding off the vanity of naive young people. I pity the kids who get sucked in by them, and I pity their poor parents.

Quinn - Mom! Dad! Guess what? I've been accepted into a really exclusive modeling class! (everyone looks at her) What?

(commercial break)

Quinn - What do you mean I'm not the modeling type? Are you talking about my hips?

Helen - This has nothing to do with your hips. It can't be my boobs. Claude said that my boobs are perfect.

Jake - Who's Claude? I'll kill him! If he is a him.

Helen - You're not killing anyone Jake.

Jake - Can I go upstairs then? This conversation is making me really uncomforable.

Helen - Sit down Jake. Quinn, this isn't about your body. I don't think you realize that modeling is an extremely competitive activity.

Quinn - So is dating. If you do it right.

Helen - In which your value as a human being is based entirely on how you look.

Quinn - When does the bad part come in?

(phone rings, Quinn doesn't answer it)

Daria - Wow, she is upset. (picks up phone) Hello?

Romanica - Hello! My name is Romanica Degregory.

Daria - And I am Daria Morgendorffer.

Romanica - I wonder if I might speak to a Helen Morgendorffer.

Daria - Hold on please.

Helen - Hello?

Romanica - Am I speaking to the mother of Quinn Morgendorffer?

Helen - Yes, this is Quinn's mother.

Romanica - This is Romanica aeeeeee! Romanica Degregory, with the New York Amazon fashion agency. Have I called you at a bad time Mrs. Morgendorffer?

Helen - Please, call me Helen. What can I do for you Monica?

Romanica - Call me Romanica. Helen, your daughter has been selected along with a mere handful of girls to participate in a complementary class in the Lawndale High auditorium.

Helen - A complementory class?

Jake - Complementory?

Romanica - Absolutely complementory Helen. And an experience that we expect will generate many compliments. All the students are invited but Quinn will be one of the lucky ones who will be coached on stage - we're looking upon modeling superstars.

Helen - Um hm.

Romanica - I'd rather be shouldn't be telling you this but, we think Quinn is something special!

Helen - We think she's pretty special too.

Romanica - You know Helen, I spend a lot of time with the world's top models and they all have that special something. I think millions of girls have a little something but it's not special. What Quinn has is special. Quinn is a pearl in a bay of oysters.

Helen - I'll discuss this with my daughter Monica, and we'll let you know.

Romanica - Rrrrrrrromonica! Thank you Helen. And remember, opportunity knocks, but it doesn't beg. Ahhhhhhhh! Good bye.

Helen - What a strange woman.

Quinn - You gotta let me do this! You always say I can be anything I want to be!

Helen - Yes, I do say that.

Daria - That reminds me, can I be the Queen of Brazil?

Helen - All right, you can participate in the open class, but it goes no further.

Quinn - Yes! (leaves)

Helen - Now what do I have to do to make you go to that class to keep an eye on her.

Daria - No more talk about re-decorating my room, for 12 months.

Helen - You're getting softer.

Daria - On the contrary. I was thinking about going anyhow.

Helen - You were?

Daria - I'm sensing potential for total humilation for Quinn here. I'd never forgive myself if I missed it.

Helen - Tell me I should just be glad that she's going.

Jake - Of course you should! It's great that she wants to look out for her little sister.

Helen - Do you hear anything that goes on here?

Jake - Have you seen the paper?

(In the Lawndale High auditorium)

Romanica - All right ladies, your worst enemy is at the end of the cat walk. She has stolen your boyfriend. She has fallen, and broken her leg, and you tell her without words, that you've come to watch them cut it off. Very good Sandi, Stacey...

Claude - Brilliant of you to sign her on.

Romanica - Nothing like a decoy. Oh, Quinn, that is excellant. You will truly be savoring a lavish fortune.

Quinn - Thanks.

Claude - Now girls, you are little kitten in an animal shelter, you have to look sad so someone will adopt you. Or else, it's kitty heaven.

Quinn - That's so sad.

Stacey - I get the idea that he's been there.

Jane - Kitty heaven?

Daria - How does he know they're not going to kitty hell?

Romanica - Now. When you stride down the runway you're walking towards your car. You find a headless corpse in it... and it's a brand new car!

Daria - And a smelly old corpse.

Jane - In a really bad outfit.

Trent - Hey Janey.

Jane - Yo! Trent, what are you doing here?

Trent - Oh, you know. Whatever.

Jane - Mom and Dad know you left the house voluntarily?

Trent - Um, I'm not sure how to break it to them. You got any ideas?

Jane - How about you Daria?

Trent - Hey Daria.

Daria - Hi.

Jane - No really, what are you doing here?

Trent - Um, you know, I thought I'd check it out. Get used to being around fashion types. You know, for the future.

Jane - Trent, what are you talking about?

Trent - You know, models, musicians? Models, musicians?

Brittany - (weeping)

Daria - Brittany, are you all right?

Brittany - Does it look like I'm all right? No, I don't. And I don't look like I'm model material either apparently.

Daria - You mean, apparently?

Brittany - I mean, I should be up there on stage with the winners instead of out here in the audience with the losers.

Daria - Hmm. This must be torture for you.

Kevin - Oh babe, I found you.

Brittany - Kevin, life is so unfair.

Kevin - What's wrong babe?

Brittany - (weeps)

Kevin - Huh?

Daria - She's upset, 'cause she's stuck out here with the losers.

Kevin - Oh. I can see that.

(commercial break)

Romanica - Girls, your runway work is truly superb. Now, let's try a ltitle ensemble posing. Might we have some male volunteers from the audience?

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Oh! Me! Right here! Me!

Romanica - Very good. Anymore?

Claude - You, out there. What's your name?

Kevin - Kevin?

Claude - Come on up here and help out pretty little sparrows learn to pose with handsome young eagles.

Kevin - Sure! (leaves Brittany)

Jane - Don't be sad Brittany, he's with the winners now.

Daria - I have to make a phone call.

Romanica - All right, these are the sort of poses...

Claude - Known in the business as hay ride crap.

Romanica - You can find yourself doing catalog work.

Claude - Unless it's a really fun catalog. Then it might get a little more interesting. For instance, boys would you mind taking off your shirts?

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Um, okay, I'll do it, just take the shirt off?

Claude - You too Kevin.

Kevin - Um, all right.

Claude - Now girls, I want you to rub your hands over those virile young chests. You want them, they want you, all that is left is to find a place to let desire run free.

Quinn - Um, I have to go to the bathroom.

Romanica - Are you sure that's what you're feeling?

Quinn - Yes.

Claude - All right girls, caress those perfect pectorals.

Romanica - Toy with the silky chest hair, or where the area that hair may eventually be. That's it!

Ms. Li - Carry, on, carry on. I just wanted to drop in to see how things... what the hell is going on here? You! Stop that! Stop that! I don't want to see that!

Daria - Uh-oh.

Jane - They're all going to kitty heaven.

Trent - I knew I should've stayed home.

(at home, sitting around the dinnertable)

Quinn - So I thought, if I sign up with a charity now, before I'm famous, later on I can say, "Oh! I was helping others long before I started modeling."

Helen - We agreed that you would take that one class and that was it.

Quinn - I was thinking maybe some group that helps animals. But cute animals.

Helen - Quinn, we made a commitment to each other, now it's time to honor that commitment. No more modeling class.

Quinn - Mom! I'm not takling about taking classes! I'm talking about winning the modeling contract.

Helen - Sweetheart, please don't take this the wrong way, but what if you don't win?

Quinn - Don't win?

Daria - Then I guess the animals are on their own. Even the cute ones.

Quinn - You don't get it. I'm writing a poem about what a great model I'd be. I'm going to recite it for Claude and Romanica. Ahem! A model's what I'd like to be, looking good comes naturally. Da da da da, da da, me.

Daria - That's it, send the other girls home.

(in the Lawndale High auditorium)

Ms. Li - I know you're all anxious to find out who the winner of the Amazon Agency Modeling contract will be, but first, I must say something about what happened here the other day. I don't want students to think that modeling has to have anything to do with sex.

(Claude and Romanica laugh)

Ms. Li - Anyway, as I was saying...

Brittany - How could you do that to me? In front of everyone!

Kevin - I was just modeling babe!

Brittany - Maybe you call it modeling, I call it hormones. All right, he's your's now, but I'll always be his first. You can't take that away from me.

Slutty Girl - I can.

(Brittany storms out)

Kevin - (sees Slutty Girl) Hey, hey! (hear Brittany leave) Hey!

Ms. Li - See students? That's what happens when gonads rule the roost! I believe we are ready to announce the winner of the modeling contract. The Amazon Modeling agency of New York, has decided too...

(bunch of mercenery soldiers march in)

Jane - What?

Daria - Just watch.

Man - Ms. Li I presume, thanks. I'll take it from here. Student, young people, red-blooded youth of America! I'm General McOnroy, publisher of Brutal Mercenery Magazine. And I've come to your school today to find out who, among you, has what it takes to become a soldier for hire in today's exciting world of geopolitical violence!

Ms. Li - What in the name of God?

Man - Now, now, ma'am, a deal's a deal. Sad to say American no longer engages in the kind of ground wars that made this country great! But that doesn't mean hand combat is out of your reach. Merecenary soldiers go where the money is, you not only kill, but get paid well for doing it! Wow! What a racket! In a few days we'll have a completmentary class right in the auditorium.

Ms. Li - What are you talking about? Who invited you here?

Man - Why, you did ma'am. I have your letter right here. And here's the fee we agreed on. (sees cameramen) Oh look! The Media!

(at the Morgendorffer's living room)

Newslady on TV - Principle Angela Li denies inviting the mercenary recruiters to Lawndale High, News 5 has learned that she did recently allow a modeling school to solicit students on school grounds.

Jake - Wow! That's all I have to say. Wow! Does no one have any ethics anymore?

Daria - Only you and Thoreau.

Jake - You are so right! I gotta call that baby formula guy.

Quinn - If that, that, General hadn't showed up, Ms. Li wouldn't have banned Claude and Romanica from school. And I would have won that modeling contract, I know it.

Daria - Don't be so sure. "Football start has winning look too! Lawndale High quarterback Kevin Thompson apparently has a winning form off the field. Thompson has just been signed to an exclusive contract with the Amazon Modeling Agency. Who would have guessed. Kevin's a pearl in a bed of oysters.

Quinn - That should have been me! I didn't even get to recite my poem!

Daria - That's a loss for all of us.

(in Daria's room)

Daria - (rips mercenary's pamplette)

(at Kevin's photo shoot)

Romanica - Come on, try not to look like the high school boy that you are.

Claud - Flex, I said flex damn you.

Romanica - You call that a flex? You're not flexing for your milkmaid girlfriend anymore.

Claude - When did his caboose get so big? Was it that big when we signed him?