(Daria and Quinn walking to school)

Quinn - Stop following me Daria! You're following me...

Daria - We go to the same school.

Joey - Hey Quinn can I carry your books?

Jeffy - Hey Quinn can I carry your pencil?

Jamie - Hey Quinn can I carry your... got anything else?

Quinn - A hair scrunchie?

Jamie - Great!

Daria - Careful, don't hurt yourself with that scrunchie.

Jamie - Is that your sister?

Quinn - Don't pry Joey.

Jamie - I'm Jamie.

Quinn - Whatever.

(in art class)

Brittany - Perspective is hard.

Ms. Defoe - Good work Daria. Your cube bursting out of the picture plane. You've really created an illusion of depth.

Daria - I'm thinking of going into politics.

Brittany - Ms. Defoe, I need a new pencil, I used up the eraser.

Ms. Defoe - Here Brittany, take another pencil, and a fresh piece of paper, and try again.

Brittany - If I don't figure this perspective thing out I'm going to have to take remedial art. I hear they make all the lefties become righties.

Daria - But you are a righty.

Brittany - Daria, you're smart. Show me how to do this.

Daria - Well, okay. You know when things seem very far away?

Brittany - Like the weekend?

Daria - Distance things, like mountains and buildings.

Brittany - But Daria, we're in a building.

Daria - Yes, but make believe you're at the mall. You're standing in front of J.J. Jeeters.

Brittany - Oh, like I would shop there.

Daria - You don't have to go in. You're looking at Cashman's department store.

Brittany - Now you're talking.

Daria - Way down at the other end. Everything seems to be pointing to the entrance and saying, "Come shop, come shop. One day sale!"

Brittany - I get it! That's really realistic Daria.

Daria - That's one-point perspective. All the lines are pointing to one spot on the horizon.

Brittany - I get it! Except...

Daria - Yes?

Brittany - Is Cashman's really having a one day sale?

(in the hallway)

Kevin - Yo Mack Daddy, coming to Brittany's party?

Mack - Don't call me that, okay? What's this party for anyway?

Kevin - Uh...

Mack - Stop if it starts to hurt.

Kevin - He he, really. Um, her birthday was last month. I helped her exchange all her presents.

Mack - Even yours.

Kevin - Yeah, then she had the sales lady tell me the difference between perfume and cologne. Interesting stuff bro. Now I remember! The party's to celebrate her parents being out of town!

(Jamie, Joey, and Jeffy walk up)

Kevin - Hi Joey, Jeffy, Jeremy.

Jamie - I'm Jamie!

Kevin - Whatever. You going to Brittany's party?

Joey - If we're invited.

Kevin - You're on the team dudes. When a cheerleader has a party, all the football players are automatically invited.

Mack - It's on page 6 of the play book.

Kevin - Really?

(Quinn walks up)

Kevin - Hey, Quinn, what about you?

Quinn - Sure

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Hey Quinn wanna go to the... What time do you want me to pick you up... be with me... call you...

Quinn - Sure!

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Which one?

Quinn - Everyone! You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away, that would be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the dog.

(in the cafeteria)

Brittany - Ugh, I hate it when the trays are wet.

Daria - That which does not kill us makes up stronger.

Brittany - Is that from a song? Hey, thanks for helping me out in art.

Daria - No problem.

Brittany - Maybe I can help you out with something.

Daria - Well, you could show me how to twirl my hair around my little finger and look vacant.

Brittany - I don't know if that's something you can teach. Eww, I hate it when the pudding has skin.

Daria - I know what you mean. And that scares me.

Brittany - Hey, even though I'm much more popular, we have some things in common.

Daria - Breathing?

Brittany - You're unpopular but you're not so unpopular that you couldn't come to my party Saturday night!

Daria - Is that an invitation?

Brittany - Yes! Just this once though.

Daria - Gee Brittany, I'm overcome with emotion.

Brittany - You need a napkin? Anyway, I promised the other cheerleaders that I wouldn't invite anymore really attractive girls.

Daria - Now I'm especially flattered.

Brittany - Don't mention it.

(at Jane's house)

Daria - These are really good. I didn't know you studied life drawing.

Jane - Yeah, last summer.

Daria - You're really bursting out of the picture plane here.

Jane - Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.

Daria - Speaking of which, Brittany invited me to her party.

Jane - No kidding! Are you going?

Daria - Sure, and after that I think I'll swallow glass. Why, do you want to go?

Jane - Oh no, I'd much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to "Come As You Are." I bet I could get some great sketches there.

Daria - Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you want to go just make believe you're me. When you're unpopular, all popular people look alike anyway.

Jane - (puts on Daria's glasses) Hi. I'm Daria. Go to hell. It won't work, my face is too expressive.

(in Quinn's room)

Quinn - Sheer...semi-sheer, or opaque...TEXTURED!!

Daria - Isn't one of you enough?

Quinn - Go away, I'm concentrating. I'm invited to a party Saturday night and I have to choose a perfect outfit.

Daria - Countdown. Only 72 more hours to go. Might this party be at Brittany's house?

Quinn - Yes, and might you go away now? Hey! How do you know about it?

Daria - I'm invited too. But, I haven't decided yet if I want to go.

Quinn - You can't go, you'll ruin everything!

Daria - You know, I really should broaden my social horizons.

Quinn - Mom! Dad! Daria's ruining my life again!

(commercial break)

(at home, sitting around the dinnertable)

Quinn - Mom, tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake!

Helen - Now don't begrudge your sister's chance to expand her circle of friends.

Quinn - Maybe now she'll have two.

Daria - Tu chez Quinn.

Quinn - And don't think you're confusing me with that French. You should ground her... 'cause her room is a mess!

Daria - If I go down for that one, I'm taking you with me.

Quinn - Wait, here's something worse... I asked her to do my homework for me and she made me pay!!!! Never mind...

Helen - I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together. Dad and I would be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up.

Daria and Quinn - No!

Quinn - Thanks, but I'll find some other way to get there.

Helen - I'd like it if you would keep an eye on Quinn at this party.

Daria - I don't know what I did but it couldn't have been that bad.

Helen - I mean it. And she doesn't have to know about it.

Daria - Is this way of you acknowledging how much more mature and trustworthy I am?

Helen - It's my way of saying if you won't do it I'm sending you with a babysitter.

Daria - I'll take that as a ringing declaration of parental approval.

Helen - Just the way it was intended sweetheart.

(at Brittany's house)

Brittany - I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.

Kevin - You're a great hostess, cupcake. Hey...

Brittany - Did I tell you that I did this really nice thing and invited Daria Morgendorffer? Even though she never, ever, wears nailpolish.

Kevin - Her sister Quinn's coming too.

Brittany - Oh no! She's too cute! My friends will kill me! Kevin! You're mixing up the flat ones with the ridgy ones.

Kevin - Everything looks great munchkin.

Brittany - I'm just afraid people will judge me by my house and we don't have the Jacuzzi in yet!

Kevin - Hey! Stuff like that doesn't matter. The most popular people with the best looking hair - that's what makes a great party.

(Trent's car)

Jane - Thanks for the ride, Trent.

Trent - No problem. I needed a break anyway, I've been practicing for ten hours straight.

Jane - Daria, would you say sleeping with the guitar in your hands is practicing?

Trent - As long as you don't drop it! I'll let you off here. I have a problem dealing with authority.

Jane - Sure you don't want to crash?

Trent - A high school party? Please. Don't you think I'm a little mature for that? Don't do anything I wouldn't.

Daria - Bye.

(outside of Brittany's house)

Jane - Nice conversational skills.

Daria - I hate you. (to security guard) We're here for Brittany Taylor's party.

Gaurd - Names?

Daria - Daria Morgendorffer.

Gaurd - And you? What's your name?

Jane - Tiffany. (to Daria) There's gotta be one.

Gaurd - Tiffany Houge, Tiffany Duke, Tiffany Fairchild, or Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

Jane - Tiffany Duke.

Guard - Strike! You're out! I made that one up.

Daria - Oh. She's not on the guestlist. She was hired to do portraits. She's very talented.

Guard - And your name is Tiffany Duke, eh?

Jane - What a coincidence?

Daria - (hands sketchbook to guard) These are some sketches from art class. They're very life like.

Guard - Hmm. These are pretty hot! Stop halt there! Um, nevermind. Hello Gorgeous.

(at Brittany's party)

Quinn - So I said "Just because people are cliquey and snobby it's no reason not to like them."

Brittany - How do you like my house?

Jodie - Um, it's quite coordinated.

Mack - And the ceramic tigers 0 they're great!

Jodie - Where's the Jacuzzi?

(Joey goes up to Quinn)

Joey - Here, I got you a drink.

Quinn - This ice isn't crushed.

Joey - I'll go crush some! You know, Jeffy still sleeps with a teddy bear.

(Jeffy goes up to Quinn)

Quinn - These aren't twisty.

Jeffy - I'll go twist some! You know, Jamie is a really sloppy kisser. I heard it from a girl!

(Jamie goes up to Quinn)

Quinn - I like square crackers.

(Jamie bites cracker into a square shape)

Quinn - Ugh! Gross!

Girl - Now she's really popular, but not as popular as she is. He's medium popular. He just bought a great car so soon he'll be getting more popular. That guy was just popular enough to be invited, but now he's gotta hook up with a girl who's more popular than he is.

(outside)

Daria - Do you really want to do this?

Jane - You know, just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them.

Daria - Or hate them.

Jane - Chin up. Nose up. Let's go.

(Brittany opens door)

Brittany - Daria, you're here! I'm so glad! Now we're even!

Daria - This is Jane. She wasn't invited, but she's good in art.

Brittany - But I have you for that. Hmmm... What do you know about geometry?

Jane - Lots of circles, squares, and triangles!

Brittany - Wow! Come on in!

Daria - Look! Two kinds of chips.

Jane - Flat or ridgy? You make the call.

Upchuck - Chuck Rutthiemer here. And you are...

Jane - Jane.

Daria - Ezmarellda.

Upchuck - I'll be your social director for the evening. Would you like a tour of the house? It's free.

Daria - Do you except tips?

Upchuck - Of course.

Daria - Ditch the bangs.

Upchuck - Fiesty!

(commercial break)

Upchuck - This five bedroom house designed in a combination of southern pseudo plantation and late moctuner styles. To your right, the quasi Victorian breakfast nook. Straight ahead the family den, which was inspired by the novels of Isaac Denison. And this, is the make-out room! Am I blushing? Confidentially, it's really the laundry room. Hey! Don't lean on the buttons!

Boy - Can it Upchuck! Or I'll break your face!

Upchuck - As we reach the end of our tour, I'd like to thank you for your undivided attention. Any questions?

Daria - Yes. How did you get invited?

Upchuck - I dissected her frog.

Girl - Now she used to be very popular but then there was that unfortunate nose job. That one behind the tiger, she was new and cute so she was like popular overnight. Those three aren't popular at all, I don't know what they're doing here, maybe some sort of exchange program.

Tiffany - But what's with that girl with the glasses? Her face looks weird, all the same color!

Girl - She's not wearing makeup.

Staci - Is that a new look or something?

Girl - Brrr. Scary.

Jane - Those guys are looking at us.

Daria - Don't they know we're from two different worlds? Regular and popular?

Jane - The one in the green shirt is cute. In a head to big for his body kind of way. I hate you.

Boy 1 - Hey, partying hard or hardly partying?

Daria - Hardly interested.

Boy 2 - So, where you girls been all our lives.

Daria - Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room, and we thought we would die here, alone. But now you've arrived and our lives can truly begin.

Boy 2 - She likes you!

Jane - Hey, isn't that Quinn?

Daria - Where?

Jane - Over there, hiding behind the ceramic tiger.

Daria - Yoo hoo! Sis!

(outside)

Guard - I gotta take this class. I gotta find Tiffany. I mean, Jane.

(bunch of cars drive in)

(at Brittany's party)

Joey - I'm glad we found you!

Jeffy - We were looking all over!

Jamie - I looked the hardest.

Quinn - Um, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Need some help? We'll go with you.

Quinn - It's the bathroom!

Daria - Hi sis!

Quinn - Aren't you a little out of place here? And everywhere else on earth?

Daria - (walked up to Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie) Hi! I'm Quinn's brainy sister. People say we look alike.

Jodie - (waiting in line for the bathroom) What's she doing in there?

Sandi - Maybe she's taking a Jacuzzi.

Daria - And the traffic was so tied up that my mom finally hands Quinn the empty soda cup and says here, you gotta go, then go. I have this great picture at home, of Quinn in her chubby stage.

Quinn - (drags her away) I've got 5 dollars.

Daria - Boy, you try to look out for your little sister.

Quinn - Make it 10.

Daria - Well, I have been saving up for a pair of snappy orthopedic shoes.

(outside)

Man - (banging on door to guard's booth) Hello! Anybody there? There's a wild party going on up at Deer View Court. You can't ignore me! I pay your salary! You're not a real cop you know.

(at the party)

Jamie - Quinn, I don't care if your sister is a brain, I would never hold it against you. So you want to go to the laundry room?

Joey - Hands off Jamie! Quinn, you may come from a nerdy family but that makes your popularity even more amazing! Now, why don't we ditch these two losers.

Jeffy - Take a hike Joey! Quinn, if you were my girlfriend, we could ignore your sister together. Now will you go steady with me? At least for a couple of hours.

Quinn - Oh no! These shoes are suede!

Daria - It's the soul train. Beep, beep, get on board. What happened to Bobby big head?

Jane - I wasn't too interested.

Daria - (picks off sock from Jane's shoulder) Is this yours?

Jane - Okay, okay, fine... He thought my head was a lollipop. Ready to go?

Daria - I was ready to go before we got here.

(outside)

Jane - So, have fun?

Daria - Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well, and I'm going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night.

(at the party)

Quinn - Joey, Jeffy, Jamie?

Jamie - You got it!

Quinn - Ah, I don't think this is working out.

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Huh? What do you mean? What are you talking about?

Quinn - I mean, you're really special guys, and you deserve a really special girlfriend. Three, actually. But I feel that you're pressuring me into doing things I'm not ready for.

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - I don't understand! Huh? What do you mean?

Quinn - That doesn't mean you have to stop paying attention to me, and buying me stuff, and driving me places. But it does mean, I think, what I'm trying to say is...

Joey - Let's be friends?

Quinn - Sorry!

Jeffy - You came on too strong!

Jamie - You didn't give her enough space!

Joey - You should've brushed your teeth!

(they start fighting)

Quinn - Stop it! Stop fighting! This is horrible. They're fighting over me.

Man - (bursts in) That's it. Everybody out! Babusse! You to kojack. The real cops are here now.

Brittany - Oh! Cops! Does that mean we're on TV?

(outside)

Daria - New security precautions. May I see some ID please?

Lady in car - You seem awfully young to be doing this kind of work.

Daria - It's a disguise mamn, we're actually much older.

Jane - Not as old as you of course, man.

Daria - Now, we'll have to ask you a few questions.

Jane - Is that your natural hair color?

Lady in car - Well! I never in my life!

Daria - Never colors it.

Jane - Known to the Greeks as...

First Man in car - Zeus.

Daria - Excellent.

Second Man in car - I can name that tune in three notes.

(at the party)

Mack - Thanks for the party Brittany.

Brittany - Sorry about the Jacuzzi.

Jodie - It's okay, the wall to wall carpeting in the bathrooms makes up for it.

Quinn - Joey, Jeffy, Jamie! How am I going to get home?

(outside)

Daria - What happened to your fan club?

Quinn - They beat each other up. It was kind of, what's that thing, when something turns out to be funny? Moronic.

Jane - Ironic.

Daria - She was right the first time.

Quinn - Do you wanna call Mom and Dad?

Daria - And shift the balance of power? We walk.

Quinn - But my shoes are all squishy.

Upchuck - You ladies in need of a knight in shining armor?

Daria - Can we take the armor and ditch the knight?

Upchuck - Hey, it's a package deal toots!

(Jane, Daria, and Quinn get in)

Upchuck - To you left is the home of town director of public work built on unstable landfill. To your right, a flattened squirrel. Straight ahead, your future!

Daria - Stuff a sock in it Upchuck.

Upchuck - Grrrr! Fiesty!