"The Gamemaster's Hall of Shame"

copyright Peter Maranci 1995

THE GAMEMASTER'S HALL OF SHAME:
MONTY HAUL'S TOP TEN COUSINS

10) Minnie Haul (Also known as That Cheap Bastard)

Quote: "Okay. After twenty-seven sessions you have finally slain the Three Giant Dragons of Chaos. In the treasure vault you find--12 copper pieces and a rusty fork. Who gets the fork?"
Good Points: You'll never be over-encumbered.
Bad Points: Majority of characters killed by starvation, plus risk of lockjaw from rusty fork.

9) Mr. Softee (Also known as Pathetic Guy & The Amazing Mushman)

Quote: "You're down 3 hit points? Uh...suddenly the troll falls over and spontaneously combusts! Magically, the smoke heals you."
Good Points: Characters never die. Ever. No matter what.
Bad Points: Who cares?

8) Anger Man (Also known as The Master & It Wasn't Me)

Quote: "What? You don't bow to the King? Your limbs fall off."
Good Points: Order and discipline.
Bad Points: Discipline und Order!

7) Das KillMeister (Also known as Dr. Death & Why Do I Keep Playing?)

Quote: "Better roll up six characters each. That should last the first session. Maybe. [chortle]."
Good Points: The thrill of danger,
Bad Points: The boredom of constant defeat.

6) The Sexist Pig (Also known as The Sleazeball & L'il Friskies)

Quote: "They rape you and you love it, like all women. Ha ha ha! Now you're pregnant!"
Good Points: Not boring.
Bad Points: Extremely irritating. Will emotionally scar any player under the age of sixteen. Knows no shame. Will probably serve in the Senate.

5) Das PunMeister (Also known as Stop & Please, I Beg of You, Kill Him)

Quote: "A killer Tree-man! Woodn't you know. I'd leaf him alone. Bet his bark is worse than his bite!"
Good Points: A wacky, funny, laugh-a-minute guy.
Bad Points: Will not stop.

4) Monotone Man (Also known as ZZZZzzzzzzzz....)

Quote: "Hi. I'm the King." " Hi. I'm the peasant." " Hi. I'm the wizard." " Hi. I'm the knight." " Hi. I'm the Dragon."
Good Points: Will never cancel due to laryngitis.
Bad Points: Save vs. Paralyzation or die.

3) The Drunk (Also known as What's That Smell? & Not Again!)

Quote: "H'lo. BLEUUEUERGGHH!!! G'bye..."
Good Points: Vivid descriptions of strange, bizarre creatures.
Bad Points: Rarely coherent. Will probably die soon.

2) The Insane Plotter (Also known as Machiavelli & Mr. Myxylplyxx)

Quote: "But the twelfth arbitrary conundrum signifies nascent ursinoids rising. Any idiot can see that!"
Good Points: Dazzling, intricate plots, sub-plots, and sub-sub-plots.
Bad Points: Makes you feel really stupid.

AND THE NUMBER ONE MONTY HAUL COUSIN OF THE MONTH IS:

1) The Great Actor

Quote: "Alas, poor Baldrick; I knew him well. 'Twas but the bare bodkin of our discontent that ravelled his sleeve of care! And now all is lost, forever lost!" (sobs loudly)
Player: "Uhhhhh...does that mean I can order a drink now, Mr. Innkeeper?"

Good Points: Deep drama, and colorful NPCs.
Bad Points: You may die of embarrassment -- and when he's on a roll, you'll wish that you could.

QUIZ

Question #1: Which of the above have YOU been?
Question #2: Which of the above have I been?
Question #3: So what?

Send quiz answers to your parents. All entries will receive a "Why do you play those silly games?" lecture, free of charge.