a Short, short story by Kate Hohenberger
I should have left well enough alone. My Ponytail Barbie (number one of course ,and highly collectible) had been sitting on the shelf next to my flocked-hair Ken for nearly 10 years. Whatever crisis - rain, snow, hail, or a ravenous Barbie collector named Vera who foamed at the mouth every time she saw them - Barbie and Ken survived it, together. They were in mint condition and everyone agreed they made a lovely couple. Why, oh why did I have to disrupt things by bringing home the Other Woman?
I think it was temporary insanity - or greed. "Free!! Extra Gown!!" proclaimed the box of the Kissing Barbie. She also had silly blonde hair and came with her own lipstick. Unable to resist all this newfangled charm, I brought her home and sat her on the shelf next to Ponytail Barbie and Ken.
All was well for about a week. Then one day my husband called my attention to some thing very strange. "You know," he said, "I think Ken has moved a little closer to that new Barbie."
I peered at the trio, and sure enough that blonde hussy seemed to be enticing Old Ken away from his lifelong girlfriend! My Ponytail Barbie sat rigid and silent, her non-kissable mouth in a pronounced pout.
"What does he see in that plastic vixen?" I growled.
"Let's face is, she's got sex appeal," said my husband ogling the Kissing Barbie. "What I don't understand is what does she see in him? No muscle, and look at that crewcut! I think she'd prefer someone a little more macho."
Macho? He's given me an idea. What could be more manly than a G.I. . Joe? I found one at a yard sale, complete with rugged scar and 12 pieces of war equipment. As I dressed him in his fatigues, I gave him a little pep talk. "This is your big chance soldier. Don't blow it!"
I considered having my husband talk to him too, but decided against it. Plopping Joe down next to Kissing Barbie, I stood back and admired. "Don't they look cute together?" I asked my husband. "All's well that ends well."
I guess I spoke to soon. The next morning I found Ken lying on the floor, his head neatly severed from his body. He must have fallen from the shelf - but then why did G.I. Joe have a nasty grin on his face - and a bayonet in his hand? Kissing Barbie looked a bit concerned, but Ponytail Barbie sat alone on the shelf, ignored by everyone.
"Now they're fighting over her," I told my best friend Marcia. "What can I do to put these guys in their place?"
Marcia answered very seriously, "If you ask me, the answer is another woman."
"Another woman?" I shrieked. "You think Tammy or Midge can solve this?"
"I was thinking of Jamie Sommers. You know, I do have the Bionic Woman for sale."
The way Marcia explained it, it did make sense. Nothing would deflate their male egos faster than being beaten up by a girl! I paid for the Bionic Woman and carried her home. She was at least an inch taller than Joe, and she looked mean. "Let's see you try your weapons against Bionics, " I told him, and sat back to watch the fun.
Nothing happened at first, but after a week all was domestic bliss again. Jamie and Joe had taken a fancy to each other, and Kissing Barbie was flirting with Old Ken. Ponytail Barbie huddled in a corner, a jealous gleam in her eye.
"You'll never break them up," my husband decided. "Why don't you have a double wedding? Ponytail Barbie can be the Maid of Honor."
"Never!" I shouted. "Who needs that fickle Ken? I'll buy a better boyfriend.?
As fate would have it, I found him at a yard sale. He was every girl's dream. A blond, muscular, virile man. Only one thing disturbed me about him. The pocket book. I assumed it wasn't original. It had probably come with another doll.
I placed him on the shelf and called my husband. Instead of admiring my find, and odd look came over his face. "I don't want to alarm you, " he began, "but that doll - I think he's..."
"Yes?"
"He's Gay Bob!!"
Well I hadn't counted on that complication, but when he started making eyes at Old Ken I knew I had to do something. The next day I went to the store and bought the Six Million Dollar Man.
What happened? Well, my husband says that I left the window open and a sudden gust of wind blew all the dolls off the shelf. All I know is that I found them in the floor in a tangle of lipstick, pocketbooks, bionic limbs, and assorted war implements. Joe, Ken, Steve, Bob, Jamie, and Kissing Barbie. Only one doll remained on the shelf.
I know when I am beaten. Today, Steve and Jamie occupy the shelf in the bedroom. G.I.JOE and Kissing Barbie have a co-op apartment over the refrigerator. As for Gay Bob and Ken, I keep them in the closet. And Ponytail Barbie? Her ego needed boosting, so I sold her to Vera. After all that rejection, it's nice to know that she's still one of the most sought after dolls in the world.
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