I sit here today
thinking
and in tears yet again at the pain that this journey can sometimes throw my way. I wonder when it will all end. When will I have reached that ambiguous 'place' I am headed to
that spot where it says, "here is the end". Will it have a sign painted just for me, so that I will know? I laugh, with a certain degree of sarcasm. Somehow I doubt this.
I struggle daily it seems, with the control my mind has over the past and all the memories. When I don't want to remember, I do ... and when I want to remember, I can't seem to. Where is the justice in that? "Feel", my therapist says, "let the memories come on their own
stay in your body and get out of your head. You don't need to analyze everything to death." But how do I do that when the memory was so fleeting as to seem like the merest whisper of fairy wings past my eyes? Blink and it is there
blink and it's just as quickly gone again. Is it real? Did it happen? How do I give reality to something so fleeting?
For a year and a half now I have been learning the skills to help me through these hard times and yet
each time this happens I seem to fall back into the pit. A frighteningly black hole, of despair
that feeling like I am too tired to go on, that the pain is too great. And yet, there is a subtle difference each time. It seems that I don't stay in the pit as long. This time the pain doesn't seem as intense, however I seem to be more dispirited than before. Today it feels like depression has me in its grasp, and there is a genuine sense of apathy on my part. Apathy and a complete lack of desire to battle this anymore
to just give up. Or maybe it's to give in.
Hmmmmmm
I pause and note the difference in that statement. Do I want to give up or just give in? Are they synonymous, or are they totally different? I think back to November, and that fateful Sunday
that day I gave up and quit. Is that what I am feeling today? I sit here and think more about this
no, I don't think I want to really give up, so maybe it is, simply wanting to give in. I have to think about this. What would I be giving in to though?
It's now about five or six hours at least since I started writing this and I don't know if I am any closer to knowing what I want or how to help myself. I have talked to several different people, some who have only confused me
some who just listened
and some who have sound ideas for what they think I should do. And still I am at a loss.
The only thing spinning through my mind tonight is the wish that it would all just go away. Why does my mind play these tricks on me? Why can't I control the thoughts anymore
marshal the troops into protecting me from more memories? Who do I have to see, or tell that I really don't want to remember anything more? Where is the talent, or the strength that kept it hidden for so long?
Sadly
there are no answers tonight.
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