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I am sitting here with all of the same familiar feelings running through me. I feel an inability to sit and do any constructive work, and that urge to eat fast food, which will physically as well as mentally make me feel worse. I don't want to go into work, I want to leave work, I want to avoid it all.
I think back, and I see such a clear division in the physical and mental parts of me. I look in the mirror and feel surprise - something - someone - not me. I can remember feeling very disconnected. The way I have always responded has been to eat, or to be physical with someone. It seems a futile attempt to connect my body and mind yet once again. I feel this now, and I feel the urge to wander to avoid work - to avoid thinking. It isn't laziness - that is just not the same. I remember eating when I am not hungry, hiding the meals, the food, stealing the money to be able to go and get food. Taking it to my room or eating it in the car - hiding. This is a shameful side of me, yet another hidden part. Unhappy. Scared. Isolated. I remember looking for someone to touch me, hold me. I can remember deciding sex was the price I was willing to pay for the physical contact. I remember having sexual contact with those I wouldn't have chosen to be with in that way, except for the strong need. I remember feeling dirty and used when I was with those people, because I didn't really like or respect them, and it felt mutual. The feeling of being held brought relief - for a short time. When I find myself retreating from my body, I still fall back into those two things. I eat what I don't want, what I don't like, and what my body doesn't want. I ignore the needs of my body, not eating at times in anger at the weakness of my body. I can't seem to get a grip on taking care of myself physically and mentally at the same time. They are still separate - and not integrated. I know what needs to be done but there is either no energy or not enough motivation to change things and do it. There are so many excuses, so few real reasons. My life has become arranged in a way to make it more difficult to be healthy. I wonder if the reason I am not able to let myself go fully physically is related, as I so often don't even realize what my body is feeling. It can be very hard to be aware of the sensations at times?..I have come a long ways on this, but it still isn't entirely there. I can do it. I have done it on some levels. I need to find a way to integrate the two parts of myself, to have who I see in the mirror and my head the same person as I feel. |