Here you will find a tad bit of the Irish..
atleast a little more then what's on that "Other" page back there...LOL
But we'll try to keep this one into the "fun" of the Irish..
Here's a sample..tee hee!
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Pat: What would you be if you were not Irish? Mike: I'd be ashamed!!
"Is O'Brien's wife tough??" "Tough? Say, she could knit barbed wire with two crowbars!!"
That's a queer pair of socks you have on O'Delly--
One's red and the other's green!!"
"Yes," said O'Delly, "and I've another pair at home just like it!"
"Now that me mother's gone and left us," said Mrs. Gannon to her husband, "what sort of tombstone should we be gettin' for her-- a plain one or something elaborate?"
"Somethin' good and heavy," replied Mr. Gannon.
Saint Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.. Now if someone would just chase the baboons outta Congress.
It happened on a midnight cheer Decidedly tight and breathing beer Finn staggered to his wife so dear And leaning toward her sleepin' ear He shouted loudly, without fear, "NUTS TO YOU!!"
Mrs. Daley (to drunk husband): Come on darin' let's go to bed! Mr. Daley: Might as well. I'll catch hell when I get home anyway.
Isn't it grand that St. Patrick's Day comes before April 15th?
Yeah now we can wave the green before the government takes it away!!!
TOOLEY'S TOAST: Here's to our bartender--
May he never be low in spirits.
"Is it true that O'Sullivan's lost weight?" "I'll not be saying O'Sullivan's thin, but when he wears a red tie, he looks like a thermomter."
Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
And stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long, you could hear the mouse roar,
"Bring on the goddamn cat!"
Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's
signature on a hot cross bun....
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary.
She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered
Pete, and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind
words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out
the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more
and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked
him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I'm a bit perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !' And the fight was on."
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's
drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who's too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
"Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect.
He's a leprechaun." "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun
sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar
and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he
does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts. "You can't do that" says
the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks." "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."
Donahue and Foyle stumbled out of a saloon, sat down on the sidewalk and looked up into the sky. "Ain't that a beautiful moon?" asked Donahue. "G'wan," babbled Foyle, "that's the sun!" "You're crazy! It's the moon! At that moment, hald-crocked Holligan came wobbling up "Say, mister," cried Donahue,"is that the sun or the moon?" "How should I know," answered Holligan, "I don't live around here!"
Ginty and Bannon reeled out of a London Pub and climbed on a double-decker bus. Ginty insisted on going topside. After a short time upstairs, he came lurching down to his pal, white as a 'sheet'. "What's wrong?" asked Bannon. "Don't go upstairs!!" sputtered Ginty, "There's no driver!!"
TIPPERARY TOAST
Here's to the Frenchman that loves his wine And the German who likes his beer The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf, because it brings good cheer. The Scotsman loves his whiskey straight Because it brings him dizziness. But the Irishman has no choice at all--- So he drinks the whole damn business.
Silver-haired, golden-voiced tenor, Patrick Sullivan tells about McAdoo getting blotto at the Branan wake. After an hour he tip-toed up to the hostess and said, "Do lemons have legs?" "Lemons with legs?" exclaimed Mrs. Branan.
"You must be losin' your mind!" "In that case, "said McAdoo "I'm afraid i've just squeezed your canary into me whiskey!"
Mrs. Casey had reached the grand age of 104.
She was the oldest living being in County Cork.
The newspaper had sent a reporter to interview the old woman on her longevity. "Have you ever been bedridden?" asked the reporter. "Oh many times," replied Mrs. Casey.
"And once in a sleigh too!!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and aScotsman are being chased through the streets of a village by an angry mob intent on tearing them to bits for previous jokes.
As they turn a corner, they spot a pile of sacks by the side of the path. The Englishman grabs three sacks and hands them out. "We'll hide in these until they've gone!" he explains. "Just do as I do."
They climb into the sacks. Just as they do so, the mob arrive. They see the sacks and stop. Suspicously, the leader of the mob prods the Englishman's sack with his pitchfork.
"Oink! Oink!" shouts the Englishman. Satisfied, the mob proceed to theScotsman's sack. Again, they prod it with the pitchfork.
"Quack! Quack!" shouts the Scotsman. Happy that this is also full of livestock, the mob go onto the Irishman's sack and prod that.
The Irishman shouts "Potatoes!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks:
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the
first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
The fastest woman alive is an Irish girl, Nan O'Second.
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi.....Damn! There goes another one!"
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? Paddy O'Furniture!
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine’s Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.
TRUE FACT: There are 9,939 pubs in the Republic of Ireland, an area about the size of Maine. That is a ratio of 1 to 350. There's never any trouble getting a seat at the bar.
In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
Dugan, in a decidedly tipsy state, boarded a bus and sat down in front of a minister reading the evening paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven," bawled Dugan. "I ain't -hic- goin' to heaven!"
The minister continued to read his paper .
"I ain't goin' to heaven 'cause there ain't no heaven!!"
"Well, go to hell then," said the preacher. "But be quiet about it!"
"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
"And how's yer wife, Pat?"
"Sure, she do be awful sick."
"Is ut dangerous she is?"
"No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!"
"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
"I presume, Mrs. Murphy, you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
"Indeed I do, sir; it's a lock of my Dan's hair."
"But your husband is still alive."
"Yes, sir, but his hair is all gone."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and
says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
It was general question time on the "Top of the World" quiz show and the host first asked theHungarian contestant:
"Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a ...."
The Hungarian answered quickly: "Station - S T A T I O N."
Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question:
"Old MacDonald had a ...."
"Ranch," was the reply, "R A N C H."
Finally the Irishman was asked the same question:
"Old MacDonald had a...."
"Farm," the Irishman proudly stated.
"Correct," said the host. "Now spell the word farm."
The Irishman thought for a moment. "E-I-E-I-O."
RIPE OLD AGE
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which passed the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says
here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be
145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
IRISH STEW
We've got our own recipe for Irish stew:
Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
