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Miss Universe or Miss Moron? - by Christina Carbonara

CBA correspondent: “Hi and welcome to the 100th annual Post Miss Universe Pageant Show. If for some reason you couldn’t catch the live recording, don’t worry. We have all the highlights right here. Miss USA, now Miss Universe, stole the show with her first place wins in preliminary rounds including: Blankest Facial Expression, Most Bones Protruding From Body In Swimsuit, Most “Likes” In A Single Sentence, Most Obnoxious Laugh and Best Cheerleading Routine. But it was her responses during the question and answer period that made her stand out from all the other contestants, which we will now reflect upon...

Dick Clark: “Miss USA, could you please tell us how you prepared for the Miss Universe Pageant?”

Miss USA: “Um... well... like, ok the first thing I did was get breast implants! And then like after that... um... oh yes and then I got my tummy tucked and my chin pulled! Then like I stopped eating and went on a shopping spree at Kids R Us! Like, little kids clothes are so much cuter!”

Dick Clark: “So, what are your feelings concerning abortion?”

Miss USA: “Well, like I’ve only had three and abortions are really good because you can go around having sex and not worry about having babies. Like didn’t they used to say like, love makes the world go round or something? But anyway, like for the peop le out there who like oppose abortions maybe we could like set a ten abortion maximum or something.”

CBA correspondent: “...she sure does have a head on her shoulders. Let’s take some calls to see what others though of the show? Dottie are you still on the line...”

First Caller: “Like yeah... oh my God the show was so great and Miss USA was sooooo cute and I wish I could be just like her. She is like... such an inspiration to teen girls everywhere and she is like so smart. I mean like the ten abortion maximum or whatever was so brilliant. Like that way everyone is happy.”

CBA correspondent: “Well Dottie thanks for the call. Let’s take one more before we have to go. Christina...”

Second Caller: “I believe Miss Universe has come to stand for everything she shouldn’t. All the contestants look like Barbie- blond hair, blue eyes and a 36-24-36 figure. The pageant should encourage creativity and innovation. Instead of a swimsuit com petition, contestants could possibly read an original work of literature. A talent show should replace the evening dress competition. And since this is the Miss Universe Pageant, the girls should be tested on their worldly knowledge. Miss Universe, after winning the title, should encourage other women to be confident with their bodies regardless of what shape it may be. She should promote individuality and demote conformity. Miss Universe should be a positive role model to women everywhere and not stand for the sex object she always has.

CBA correspondent (laughing): “Geez, sorry about that. You never know who will call just to get a laugh in... replace the evening dress competition with a talent show. What a kidder. Well, that’s all the time we have left. Thanks for watching. Bye-bye."