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Havoc In A Perfect World- Part 4

Author’s name: Maddie

Email: maddie@systematics.demon.co.uk

Title: Havoc in a perfect world

Part: 4/?

Classification: P/J

Rating: Whole series- R or NC17, part 4 PG

Short Summery: The inconstant feelings and emotions of the four teenagers means that change is inevitable in the group. Confused by her relationship with Dawson and his feelings for her, Joey grows closer to Pacey, but the change in feelings about themselves and each other means that havoc is caused between the four friends.

Subject: P/J, coded, maddie, 4/?

Author’s note: I’d like to say thankyou to for the messages from - sorry, I don’t know your names, just Email addresses- apart from that I’ve had no feedback- please help me out, I really need to know people are reading my stories. (If they’re not, I’ll stop, so be warned….) I just want some constructive criticism…please!!! Also, before more people complain about grammar or spelling, I’m English, so for me it’s favourite not favorite, okay? Just to get things straight…. And some grammar rules are there to be broken! - ( author’s licence!) Hope you like part 4…….

Dawson reached over and turned off the television. He moved back to his place, leaning back against the headboard, and then stole a quick look at Joey, who was sitting silently beside him. She sat, a pleasantly confused look on her face, and a small smile playing at the corner of her lips. Eventually she looked at him and raised one delicate eyebrow suggestively.

"Why Dawson……Stop me if I’m wrong- it has been known to happen-" Dawson rolled his eyes at her remark. "But….that may be the first time you’ ve ever stopped a film mid-swing. Not happy with the sentimental display of emotion between leading man and lady?"

"Actually," he began…..

"Or was it the overused analogy?" "Joey…"

"Or the Jurassic Park-esque avoidance of reality?" Dawson raised his eyebrows. "Or the bottled blonde with the do-now-think-later syndrome?"

Dawson pulled a hand through his hair and turned to her, an impatient look in his eyes. "Slaughter the film, why don’t you, Joey."

Joey smiled and brought her knees up to her chest. Snaking her arms around she pulled her legs in and rested her chin on her knees. She turned her face slightly, so her head lay sideways, and she watched Dawson. She smiled impishly at him. "Happily," she returned.

"That bad?"

Joey sighed languidly and stretched her legs again, crossing her arms behind her neck. "Nah," she said, grinning. "I quite liked it actually."

Dawson sighed in frustration. "Then…"

"Then what, Dawson?" She smiled at him and reached out, patting him lightly on the arm. "Surely you’re not referring to my disparaging comments about the film’s success? Why Dawson, I thought you knew me well enough to know that there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching a film with you on any idle Friday. Despite the fact that the dark and brooding well-endowed male and his blonde, large breasted leading lady seem incapable of producing any coherent sounds which remotely fit reality, and both seem unable to string more than two syllables together."

"Why Joey, your cynicism warms me too you."

"Dawson; there is however one thing I enjoy more." She smiled, enjoying his questioning look. "And that’s annoying you with my over-analytical criticisms of a film I know you’ll enjoy."

Dawson raised his eyebrows. "You knew I’d enjoy it, huh? And why’s that, exactly?"

Joey gestured at the now blank screen. "Apparent, Dawson? Both actors and their overly romantic and sentimental performances are forever destined to be one with lunch-time soaps and B-list movies, immediately attracting your overly-romantic attention. Secondly, the avoidance of reality and the illogical events in the so-called "whirlwind" romance capture your eye, being the idealist that you are. Thirdly, the…..Do I have to have a thirdly?"

Dawson sighed and sank down into the bed, pulling a pillow over his face, closing his eyes tiredly against the close material. "No," he mumbled from beneath the cloth. "Frankly your barbed remarks and perpetual criticism have assured that I’m forever destined to live in despair, without chances of rescue. I’m overcome with depression."

"I’m overcome with sympathy, Dawson."

"Clearly."

"Want a little Freudian analysis before you sink even lower into the delves of insanity?"

"Sure," he mumbled, in a muffled voice.

Joey grinned and reached over, stroking Dawson’s arm gently. "Live only for yourself, Dawson. Ignore the outsiders’ fraught lives which threaten to tamper with your perfect existence, and…..and don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong, at least….without some hope for being right in the future. And ignore everybody who tells you there’s something wrong with the movies you love Dawson; if they make you happy, then I’m sure we can all sit through scenes with inescapably sentimental overtures and torrid face sucking sessions with Ms. Maybeline and Mr. Perfect. And…don’t let anyone stand in your way, Dawson. And that includes me."

She smiled at him, his figure sprawled across the bed, his head and face tucked beneath his pillow. She pulled it away from him, and ruffled his hair as he blinked groggily.

"And that was Freudian?"

Joey grinned. "Oh no. That was a Potterism."

"A what?"

"Potterism. A carefully constructed analysis of human nature. By yours truly."

Dawson frowned. "Wonderful," he muttered, dryly.

"Thankyou." Dawson sighed and forced himself to sit up. He turned to Joey. "Actually, there was a reason from my unusually early return from movie-land."

"Please. Enlighten us."

"Pacey."

Not quite the comeback she’d been expecting. Or the subject she’d been hoping for. Oh well. "Pacey?"

"You know, Joey. Former arch enemy, town loser, class clown, school screw-up…."

"Your use of alliteration is improving, Dawson," she said dryly. Dawson ignored her.

"All names you had formerly plastered him with, all traits he believes synonymous with himself."

Joey shrugged, uncomfortably, a small frown playing at the corner of her mouth. "Uh, Dawson." She paused, unsure of what to say. "Dawson, whatever…bitter overtures there seem in Pacey and my relationship, it’s nothing beyond gentle teasing. I mean…..we’ve been fighting for the whole of our lives, I guess….it just seems strange to stop, regardless of…… I don’t know, Dawson. But…our petty bickering and relentless sparring is only superficial. It goes nothing beyond that. Whatever cruel remarks I carelessly throw in his direction mean nothing more than an attempt to liven up our boring little lives. Exercise my repressed black sense of humour."

He gave her a look. "Okay, so maybe not repressed……" she answered. She smiled slightly. "I don’t mean any of those things, Dawson. I just want you to know that I hold Pacey in deep respect." She saw a questioning look in Dawson’s eyes and giggled. "Okay, okay," she protested. "So I don’t put him up on a pedestal, but that doesn’t mean that I actually have deep feelings behind the things I say. Pacey’s……" She smiled, remembering the last conversation she had had with him. He had been surprisingly genuine. Uncharacteristically nice.

"Pacey’s okay," she said simply, and then smiled, thinking she owed him a little more than that. "Okay, Pacey’s nice. I actually quite like him." She saw Dawson’s attempt to keep a straight face, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Only at times," she warned, holding up a hand in protest. Dawson smiled.

"Good," he said. "That’s what I was hoping you’d say."

"Ugh," Joey groaned, covering her face with her hands. "I have a feeling I’ve just let myself in for something."

Dawson smiled sweetly. "Of course."

Joey shook her head. "I am beyond stupid."

Dawson ignored her. "Look, Joey, it’s kind of a favour." He watched as she looked at him, questioningly. "It’s kind of a big favour." Joey rolled her eyes. "I’m kinda worried about Pacey," he began.

"You mean you actually surfaced from wonderland to take a quick look at how things were doing here in reality without you?"

"Charmed, I’m sure."

Joey grinned. "Sorry. Go on."

Dawson sighed, and Joey could tell he was serious. She listened intently. "Pacey, for some strange and mysterious reason, has……….deteriorated as far as school goes."

"I didn’t think that was possible."

"Neither did I." He sighed again, and Joey realised how serious he really was when he didn’t come back with some piercing remark. "But now he’s failing gym."

Joey opened her mouth, about to speak. She tried to suppress her laughter.

"Uh, Dawson. I didn’t realise you could actually fail gym. You pretty much just have to turn up to pass, and…….." She saw Dawson’s face. "Oh, right. Well, Dawson. I don’t think there’s really much I can do on the truant-from-gym side of things."

"That’s not it. I just used that as an example of exactly how bad things are right now. I mean…..he’s falling asleep in lessons."

"And not much I can do about that, either."

"Listen, Joey. I really am worried about him."

She gave him an apologetic look. "Sure, I know Dawson. I was just kidding around, but……you realise, Pacey’s never done all that well in school."

"I know that, Joey." He was quiet. "I just don’t think that’s got anything to do with ability, or intelligence. I mean, his verbal bantering with you alone should show you that’s he’s got brains."

Joey nodded. "I know. He’s one of the most intelligent people I know." She looked down at the blanket on the bed, gently running her fingers over the material. Turned away from him, she missed the curious look Dawson gave her.

"So, I was wondering…..do you think you’d be able to….."

"Sure, I’d be happy to."

Dawson gave her another suspicious look. "Joey, are you feeling okay?"

"Sure," she replied. "Why?"

’Cause never in my life did I expect you of all people to help Pacey out."

Joey laughed. A confused laugh, slightly annoyed. And she wondered if that was how people really saw her. Was she this cold bitch? "Why, Dawson? Is it really so alien for me to want to do something for somebody?"

Dawson smiled, and tried to assuage her nerves. "Chill, Joey. I just meant that I didn’t think Pacey was one of your favourite people."

Joey smiled. "I don’t know. I guess growing up does things to you."

"Starting to see the world in a whole new light, Joey?"

"Actually, no, I was referring to Pacey." She smiled devilishly. "He ’s done some real growing up, I guess. I, of course, have always been an image of perfection." She smiled sweetly, an unnaturally angelic look on her face, but her eyes bright.

Dawson threw a pillow at Joey. She burst out laughing, as did he. He raised his eyebrows at her remark and searched for another pillow to throw at her.

"No," she squealed, holding up her hands in protest, protecting herself form his onslaught. Eventually Dawson gave up, breathing deeply and lying back down on the bed.

"So……you’re cool?" he asked her.

She smiled and nodded. "I’m cool." Dawson smiled. "Wow. Thanks, Joey."

"Don’t worry, Dawson, it’s really not a big deal." She leaned forward and bent down, her mouth right next to his ear. "Don’t get any narcissistic notions that it’s all for you, okay?" She sat back up.

Dawson turned to her, hurt. "Joey, it’s not like that."

"Cool," she replied. "Just checking." She picked up her shoes by the bed and started to slip them on. She felt eyes on her back, and tensed, wondering what he saw when he looked at her. Who he saw. It was too late, she decided. Too late to worry about life’s important questions. Is there a God? Why do people suffer? Is there heaven, is there hell? What does being alive actually mean? And what the hell’s happening with her relationship with Dawson? She could laugh, she really could. How in perspective. And then she wondered why it meant so much to her. She was only 17 for God’s sake.

Joey almost turned and then decided that maybe she wanted to remain in this undecided state. If it meant pretending, at least for a little bit longer, that everything was okay.

She stood, and turned, walking towards the window. She hesitated briefly as she sat on the window-sill. She turned, finally, staring at him. He had been watching her.

"Are you going, Joey?"

Only if you let me go. I could stay. "I think so. It’s getting late, you know?"

"Sure," Dawson replied. "I know it is."

Are you pleased that I’m going? Relieved? Does this let you off the hook? Does this mean you don’t have to pretend any more? " I’m sure Alexander will keep me up half the night, but I’d better at least make an attempt at sleep. At least I’ll be able to say it wasn’t my fault." She smiled.

"That tired?"

I would stay. If you asked me to, I would stay. "Yeah. Believe me, I ’m suffering permanent insomnia, and it’s not self-inflicted."

"Well, thanks for coming over Jo."

Is that all? "That’s okay. I relish the change."

"Sleep well."

I might just dream of you. "Yeah, I will."

"And no dreams, okay? They only wear you out, you know."

I know. "Don’t worry. I’ll see you around, okay?"

"Sure."

Aren’t you going to ask me to stay? "Thanks, Dawson."

"Bye Joey."

I Think I’ll miss you. "Later, Dawson."

Goodbye.

She hesitated only for a second, and then turned. She slipped through the window in silence. She moved slowly, waiting for anything. For something. She wished that he would ask her to stay. Nothing.

Finally she descended the window. She turned and looked upwards, staring at the open window. She watched the way the moon slanted across the glass. She couldn’t see him, but she imagined him, lying there, staring at the ceiling. She wondered what he was thinking.

Do I really want to know? And then she thought, she couldn’t handle knowing. Not yet.

**********************

Pacey looked down and watched as he lowered his feet into the water. He reached down and rolled up his trousers, feeling the cold of the water against his skin. He leaned back, resting on his hands, and looked out, over the creek. There was a light wind, and he could feel it brush against him but apart from gentle ripples on the surface, the water remained still.

Pacey wondered if it was anything in particular to make him feel this way. And he couldn’t think of anything, nothing at all. No….turning point, no last straw. And maybe that was it. No…no change, nothing to make his dull life a little less dull. He thought then, maybe you could only take a lack of change for so longer. And here he was, trapped in this monotony.

Unfortunately it wasn’t a nice monotony. Pacey thought of school, and could see endless failed papers, endless detentions. He thought of love, or romance, and saw only people that he would never have. Could never reach. He thought of family life, and he could see his brothers face, the perpetual snarl, and he could remember the night when he had sat on the beach, his father passed out, drunk, while he sat crying.

Pacey thought then, that maybe he was asking for too much. Peace of mind is overrated, he had heard once. He hoped it wasn’t true. He didn’t think he’d be able to keep on living this way. Not without hope for things getting better. Some semblance of a happy life.

It was laughable, really, Pacey thought, scowling at the water. But he didn’t feel like laughing.

He knew straight away that someone was behind him, as he watched the water darken ominously with the message of presence. A shadow- of a woman, he thought. Or a girl- he wouldn’t bother being politically correct. He didn ’t have the energy anymore.

He sat in silence, still, and neither moved. The young man who sat with a hunched back, his dark head bent as he watched the water; and the young woman who stood in silence behind him. Silent but present, her blonde head leaned to one side, hands on her hips. She stared at him.

She was happy, at first to watch him, and she almost smiled when he didn’t turn around. She could see him tense, the muscles in his shoulder and neck. And she knew that he wanted to turn around, and she knew that he never would. And she knew that he was afraid, afraid of being vulnerable, of being the one to make the first move, to look up. To see who was standing behind him, watching him.

And she could have laughed, because it wouldn’t apply to her. She wasn’t the person he wanted to see, the person he was scared of seeing.

And then she did laugh, and she watched Pacey’s back tense again, and he sharply turned towards her. He had known then that she wasn’t her. The one. She waited, and finally a smile crept to his lips. But his eyes were still dark.

She walked to him and sat down. "

Jen," he said simply. She smiled at him, laying her hand gently on his arm. She was pleased when he didn’t move away from her, while she watched herself touching him. And he was thinking the same thing, thinking how her touch just didn’t move him in the same way. He was glad then, liking her the more for remaining on the other side of the barrier he had set up. Not hurting him, or moving him. Or scaring him. Not making his heart lurch, or his pulse quicken.

He liked that it could stay simple with Jen.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi."

He gave her a curious look, and she laughed again, the sound rising and floating above the water. "Don’t worry, I’m not coming on to you."

Pacey smiled, not needing to remove her hand, feeling comfortable in her joking, her teasing. "Too bad," he mused, aloud. In humour. "I could do with a little fun tonight."

"Right up my street, Pace," she said firmly.

He gave her a look and she burst out laughing. "Not that kind of fun," she protested. "You have a dirty mind."

"I have an active mind he corrected. "The two are invariably different."

She laughed again. "Active. Yeah. But active with what?"

Pacey grinned and whacked her on top of the head, making her giggle.

"Wouldn’t you like to know?" Jen faked throwing up before turning to him. "Oh yeah, Pacey. I’m hot for you. Really. I think about you all the time when I…….."

"Don’t think I want to know," he said laughing, stopping her.

"See? Dirty mind."

There was silence between them now, a comfortable silence. They both sat, feet dangling in the water, staring out into the creek.

"They say you can see your true love if you stare into the water on a warm summer’s day," Jen mused.

Pacey glanced at her, unconvinced. "Seeing yourself yet Jen?"

She whacked him. "No silly. I’m no Narcissus, believe me. My romantic interests are focused firmly on the opposite sex."

"Won’t Joey be disappointed," he quipped.

"Ouch," she said, thinking of what Joey’s reaction might have been.

"Sorry," Pacey said. "I’m feeling a little bitter at the moment."

"Okay." She didn’t question him, and he was glad. "Maybe you should look out Pacey, to find out your true love?" She smiled at him.

Pacey cleared his throat. "I, uh, think that only works if they’re actually standing behind you."

Jen laughed. "You cynic you."

Jen was grateful this offering, and took it as a subtle hint that he wanted her to take it further. "In love, Pacey? In lust?"

"Neither, yet. I don’t think you can love someone completely from afar, because you never really know them, but……it’s more than lust."

Jen was quiet for a minute. "One of those loves from afar then?"

Pacey smiled. "Yeah, I guess."

"Except Capeside’s really not that far."

Pacey sharply turned towards Jen, trying to figure out what she meant by that comment. What she knew. But her face was calm, expressionless; she faced the water.

"Yeah," he said, not agreeing, not disagreeing. Not specifying. That was the safest, he thought.

"I know a lot about that."

"You?" Pacey was surprised. "I always figured you were the girl who got what she wanted."

"That’s why I’m so darn happy, right?" She smiled.

Pacey shrugged. "No-one’s ever happy- not even people who have everything. They only wish they had something to wish for."

"Very good. Was that text-book philosophy or your own little personal qualm?"

"The former, clearly. I get my kick from memorising text-books and reciting them to my friends. You’re today’s unlikely contender……" He joked with her.

"Unlikely or unlucky," she asked him.

Pacey pretended to think about it. "The latter, definitely."

"Oo, have I reduced you to short-phrase answers, Pacey?"

"In your dreams. In fact I have an astounding ability to produce long and winding sentences which appear annoyingly never-ending, and speak in long words- at least five syllables- which no-one understands. Also……."

"Stop, stop," she wailed, waving her hands at him. "I’ve had enough."

"I’m sorry," he replied. "I’ll have to stop talking like I’ve swallowed a dictionary. Or was that a thesaurus?"

Jen rolled her eyes. "Who cares, Pace? Save it for Dawson. I wanna talk love."

"Love?" he asked in a ridiculously low and dangerous voice. "You don ’t even know the meaning of the word….."

"Pace? Defence mechanism? Ring any bells?"

Pacey scowled at her. "Ding-dong. I don’t have anything to defend."

"Random much? You’re right," she agreed. "Your pride and self-respect are so small nobody would notice if they were gone anyway." She paused. "Pacey, talk to me."

There was silence, and Pacey eventually turned to face her. She sat now with her legs out of the water, cross-legged, leaning forwards. She was staring at him, a serious look on her face. Any other time and he would’ve laughed for sure.

"I can’t get her out of my mind."

"That deep, huh?"

He was glad she hadn’t asked him who she was. He smiled. "Oh yeah."

"Hard, isn’t it?"

He looked at her, suddenly remembering what the last topic of their conversation had been……Jen had mentioned knowing a lot about far-off love. And it had seemed hard to believe until now, as he watched her face. "Yeah," he murmured, watching her.

"I guess……it’s hard to be away from somebody you love isn’t it?"

"It’s hard……watching somebody hurt them and not be able to step in."

"Maybe you can step in."

Pacey shook his head. "I can’t," he whispered. "I would do anything to stop her getting hurt, but this isn’t something she could take from me." Realising the severity of it all he felt an ache at the base of the neck. He put his head in his hands. "She has to figure it out for herself, because it ’s not something…..not something I can warn her of."

Jen looked at him, questioning him.

Pacey sighed. "I guess…..both of us realise what’s going on…..we’ve even talked about it once- well, mentioned a related incident- but…..She’s not willing to accept it." He shook his head. "And it makes it all the worse, because I’m sitting here waiting for it all to fall in ruins around her, praying I’ll be the one to pick up the pieces." He turned, looking at her. "Isn’t that sick?"

"No." Firm. "It doesn’t mean you want her to be hurting, just that since she is you’d rather it were you making it all better."

So wise. "I guess." He smiled grimly. "I just…….don’t want the person who’s hurting her to be the one." Maybe that was too much information.

"Dawson." She said it quietly, and not so much a question as a statement.

Pacey quickly spun around, staring at her, shocked, open-mouthed. "Wh…What?"

Jen was quiet. "It’s Joey isn’t it?"

And she was so calm, so collected. He was silent for a minute and then decided there was no benefit in lying. Not to Jen, who had this wise-owl quality about her. "Yeah," he whispered, admitting it finally.

"What is it you’re afraid of?"

He looked at her, again surprised. Confused. Where was she going with this? "Doesn’t Dawson factor in here somewhere here, Jen?" his voice hardened.

"I thought you said he was the one hurting her."

"Yeah." Pacey sighed. "But you know Dawson."

"Yes, I know Dawson."

Pacey nodded, acknowledging her reference to Dawson’s and her relationship two years before.

"I know Dawson," she continued. "But that doesn’t make it easier when I see him loving someone else."

Pacey sighed. "I’m sorry, Jen. I know you’re caught up in all this too."

Jen smiled. "What else is it you’re afraid of, Pacey."

He decided, in that last moment, to be painfully honest. He turned to her, slowly. And looked up, staring at her, straight in the eyes. "I’m afraid of not being able to get on with my life. I’m afraid of never getting over her. I’m afraid of being in the same room with her because I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep pretending."

She was quiet, grateful for his honesty and respecting that. "It all seems ‘post-rejection’ though Pace. Why assume it could never be anything?"

Pacey laughed, bitterly. "I’m not afraid of us never being, Jen. That knowledge is forever stamped in my mind. It’s not a fear, it’s…….It’s just true."

Jen shook her head, slowly. "Don’t underestimate her, Pacey."

"That’s something I would never do."

Jen smiled slightly. "You’d be surprised," she said. "You’d be surprised how easy it is to take something for granted." She looked at him, pointedly, and again he remembered her and Dawson.

"I’m not taking her for granted, Jen. There’s nothing for me to take for granted."

Jen shook her head again. "Don’t assume that, Pace. Don’t let her get away."

Pacey shook his head, his heart painfully clenched inside his chest. "She’s not mine to let go."

"I think you’re wrong," she said quietly. "People…….belong to you much more than you realise, when they’re hurt or angry. You’d be surprised at the power you have, Pacey. Healing is a great way to start. It can be a beginning."

He watched her as she slowly stood to her feet, brushing the loose sand from her skirt. He looked up at her and smiled slightly. "Healing. You’ re starting to sound like your grandmother, Jen."

She groaned aloud. "God forbid. I’ve definitely lived with her too long."

Pacey smiled, and Jen smiled down at him. "Think about what I said, right Pacey?"

He nodded in agreement. "It’s a difficult love triangle isn’t it?" he asked her.

She grinned. "More like rectangle!"

Pacey nodded slowly, silently accepting her way of showing him she was not over Dawson. Not yet. He smiled at her. "How did you know, Jen?"

"About what?"

"Joey."

Jen smiled. "Intuition, I guess. You make it pretty clear." She saw the worried look on his face and laughed. "Only when you talk about her," she tried to reassure him. "You can’t talk about her to me without letting on, I guess. I know you both too well."

"I didn’t realise you knew Joey."

Jen smiled. "More than either of us would care to admit. Goodbye, Pacey."

"Goodbye Jen."

They smiled then, in silence, and Jen turned and walked away. He heard her footsteps but did not watch her, instead staring out at the creek, imagining he was seeing Joey’s face in the water.

that’s it for part four- hope you enjoyed it………please..feedback….maddie@systematics.demon.co.uk