PART IX
DAWSON'S ROOM
In an effort to return their friendship back to the camaraderie that it once was, Dawson invited Pacey and Joey over for a movie night. They both accepted and, surprisingly, they had become so used to hiding their own relationship that neither of them felt uncomfortable about the situation.
After popping popcorn and pouring their favorite beverages, they headed up to Dawson's room.
"So, what movies have you selected for our viewing pleasure?" asked Joey.
"Let me guess," said Pacey. "ET, The Making of ET, and A&E's biography on Steven Spielberg."
"Not even close," replied Dawson, grabbing the videotapes off the TV. "In order to regress a little, I decided that we should watch some of the movies that we begged for when we were younger."
"Let me see those," said Pacey as he grabbed the tapes from Dawson and began reading off the titles. "Cool. The Wizard of Oz, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and Bambi."
"Geez, Dawson," said Joey. "We could just turn on the Disney Channel."
"You can't find this stuff on the Disney Channel," said Pacey. "Besides, you're only saying that because you're still scared of the Wicked Witch of the West."
"Am not."
"He's right," added Dawson. "Whenever they showed her green face, you freaked. You used to hide behind the couch."
"I was a kid, so sue me. You guys weren't exactly sensitive to my feelings either. Watching it was a traumatic thing. I had flying monkey nightmares for weeks after every time you insisted on watching it."
"I'm really sorry, Jo," said Dawson sympathetically.
"I forgive you."
"Put it in," said Pacey enthusiastically.
"Ok," said Dawson with equal enthusiasm. He turned to put the tape in the VCR which caused him not to notice Joey's look of annoyance and Pacey's subsequent, teasing grin.
They watched the movies one after the other, talking and laughing all the way through them. Reciting favorite lines, recalling childhood memories, and learning that Joey was still afraid of the flying monkeys. They only stopped for bathroom breaks and to make more popcorn. It was the most fun they had had in a long time all together. Actually, they hadn't been all together in a long time.
They put Bambi in last. Dawson and Pacey continued a dialogue throughout, but Joey became strangely quiet. Pacey was the first to notice. He wasn't sure if she was just into the movie, or listening to them talk, or perhaps off in her own little world. Dawson finally noticed when the movie ended and she was still staring at the screen with a distant look in her eyes.
"Hey, Jo. You ok?" asked Dawson.
She blinked several times as she came out of her reflection.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired." She raised a small smile.
Pacey, being a little more in tune with Joey's moods, recognized the look as one she gave when she didn't want to talk about something. He himself rarely saw the look because she had become so open with him. He decided to approach the subject later when Dawson wasn't around.
"I think I'm just going to go home. It's late," said Joey
"Aw, come on, Jo. Please stay," whined Dawson. "We've been having such a great time. You can sleep here, if you want."
Even though it was such a common occurrence when they were younger, the mere suggestion took them all by surprise, even Dawson. He held his breath waiting for her to reply. Pacey did too.
"I don't think that's a good idea," she finally responded.
"Yeah, ok," he back-pedaled. "Just wanted to throw the offer out there. No big deal. I've just had a lot of fun. We should do this more often."
"Yeah, we should," she agreed.
The gears in Dawson's head were already spinning a way to make sure the suggestion wasn't forgotten.
"Then why don't we, before we get too busy with finals and the end of the school year," he suggested, determined to work on the restructuring of their relationship. "You know, there is a dance coming up and I know this doesn't really sound like me, but we should all go. I'll bring Jen, and you and Pacey could go together. Not like a date or anything, just come together. We could all hang out."
Pacey and Joey froze momentarily at the irony but recovered quickly before giving Dawson reason to be curious.
Pacey looked over at Joey.
"So, what do you think, Mistress Potter?" teased Pacey. "Care to be swept off your feet by a handsome, young stud?"
"I'd love to," she countered. "Let me know when you find him."
"Great," said Dawson, smiling. "It'll be fun."
They both looked skeptically at their all too eager friend.
"Whatever, Dawson," said Joey. "Well, I'm going to take off then." She headed for the door. "I had a lot of fun. I'll see you guys later."
"Bye, Joey. See you later," said Dawson.
"Bye, Jo," said Pacey.
She left and Dawson hit the rewind button on the VCR. Pacey's interest was piqued by Dawson's curious mood.
"What is up with you, man?" he queried.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, first the invitation tonight, then watching movies from our childhood, and now suggesting that we should all go to a dance. What gives?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. I just want to spend more time with you guys."
"We don't need a dance to do that."
"No, but we're in high school. We should enjoy it while it's here, right?"
Pacey couldn't interpret Dawson's attitude.
"You know, you're right," said Pacey. "This doesn't sound like you."
Dawson shrugged. "Maybe I'm just being sentimental, but it feels good to be getting things back to the way they were."
Pacey was struck hard by the statement.
"Dawson, as much as you may want to believe it," he said slowly. "Things are never going to be the way they were. Too many things have changed."
Dawson noticed the grave tone in Pacey's voice and was surprised by the serious expression on his face. However, he was in too good of a mood to consider the implications.
"Relax, Pacey. It's just a dance." He shrugged again. "Come on, you want to watch another movie?"
"I should probably get going too."
"Suit yourself."
"Catch you later, Dawson."
"Yeah, Pace. See you later."
JOEY'S HOUSE
Despite the late hour, Pacey wanted to see Joey. He quietly knocked on the door. After a few seconds, the door opened to reveal Joey already in her pajamas.
"Pacey?" she whispered and stepped out onto the porch.
"I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, I just laid down. What did you want?"
"I just wanted to check on you and make sure you were all right."
"I'm fine," she shrugged.
"Are you sure? It was kind of a weird evening and you looked like maybe something was bothering you."
"Nothing's bothering me."
He didn't quite believe her.
"You would tell me if…"
"Pacey," she interrupted. "I am fine, ok? I'm just tired."
He still didn't believe her, but maybe he was being a little overbearing.
"Ok, I'm sorry. I'll let you get to bed."
"Thanks. Good night, Pacey."
"Good night."
As he reached out to touch her arm tenderly, she flinched. A little stunned by her action, he stared blankly at her. Joey didn't really mean to be rude. It was more of a reflex action that sort of surprised her too. She gave him a small smile of apology before she slipped back into the house. Confused, he stared at the closed door for a minute before turning and walking away.
CAPESIDE HIGH SCHOOL
Pacey decided to let Joey have some time to herself for a few days. They had seen quite a bit of each other. Maybe a little too much. She was bound to get sick of seeing his face all the time. He could understand that. He just hoped that was all it was. He would wait a day or so until she sought him out. Unfortunately, a day or so turned into several days which turned into a week. As the second Joey-less week began, he realized that he needed to talk to her. He found her at her locker.
"Hey, Joey," he said, trying to mask his concern.
"Pacey, hi," she responded, also sounding casual.
"I haven't seen you in a while. What have you been up to?"
She avoided his intense gaze.
"Working and studying. That's my life."
He waited for her to inquire about how he was doing, which she didn't.
"I'm doing all right," he stated, a bit harshly. "Just in case you were wondering."
"I'm sorry, Pacey," she said, realizing her error. "I've been a little distracted lately."
He softened. "Is there anything I can…"
"Hey, guys," called Dawson, as he rushed up to them.
Joey almost seemed relieved by the interruption.
"Guys, I'm glad I caught you. We need to make plans. What time do you want to meet on Friday?"
"Meet for what?" asked Pacey.
"The dance. Don't tell me you've already forgotten. You said you'd go."
Both Pacey and Joey cringed as they remembered saying that they would go with Dawson and Jen.
"Come on," Dawson continued. "It can't be that awkward for you two to be seen out in public together. I thought you had become such good friends."
Pacey looked at Joey.
"You still want to go?"
She shrugged. "Only if you want to."
"We'll go, Dawson," said Pacey.
"Great, why don't we pick you guys up at eight and we can grab something to eat before we head over. How does that sound?"
"Sounds good," said Joey.
"Cool, I've got to get to class. I'll see you guys later."
Dawson rushed off. Joey shut her locker.
"I've got to get to class too," said Joey.
"Wait a minute. What are you doing after school?"
"I have to work," she said. "And also write a paper."
Pacey was disappointed but tried not to show it. "Yeah, I guess I should study too."
"I'll see you later, Pacey."
She hugged her books to her chest and walked past him. He turned quickly and called after her.
"Hey, if you need a study break, you know where to find me."
She smiled and nodded, and then continued down the hall.
JOEY'S HOUSE
It was Friday night and Pacey was nervous. Nervous because this was the first time he and Joey would be out in a social situation for public scrutiny. And there would be scrutiny. It was a high school dance. However, he was also nervous because he hadn't talked to Joey all week. He wanted to understand what was going on with her, but she didn't seem willing to let him in. He hoped they would have a chance to talk and figure things out.
He pulled up in his truck and got out. He had dressed to impress, wearing a dark, tweed suit and plain, white shirt with the collar open. No tie. The suit was once Doug's but was handed down to Pacey. If nothing else could be said for his older brother, he did have some fashion sense about him.
He knocked on the door. Joey appeared wearing a simple black, strapless dress. It seemed to accentuate everything about her. Nevertheless, she didn't seem too pleased to be wearing it.
"Hi, Pacey."
"You look gorgeous."
Joey blushed. "Thanks. You're not so bad yourself."
"What? This old thing?"
He was pleased to see her smile. Hopefully things were getting back on track.
"So, when are we meeting Dawson?" she inquired.
"Oh, actually, he called right before I left. Apparently, something came up. I guess we're going to meet them at the dance."
"Oh." She seemed disappointed.
"Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing."
"Joey." He turned serious. "I think we need to…"
"Pacey, can we save it for some other time. Why don't we just enjoy the evening."
He couldn't argue with her logic, but he didn't like to leave things unresolved.
"Sure," he replied. "Let's go get something to eat."
CAPESIDE HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM
Instead of enjoying the evening, Pacey was annoyed. Joey had barely talked to him all throughout dinner, the truck got a flat tire on the way over, and to top it all off, Dawson was nowhere to be seen. He and Joey sat quietly sipping some awful fruit punch while watching everyone else have a good time.
He was tired of trying to talk to her so he chose ignoring her as his only option. She didn't seem fazed by it though. She merely stared blankly off into space. He couldn't take it. He needed to get away from her.
"I'm going to the bathroom," he muttered.
She barely noticed that he had left her alone. She felt strangely numb to what was going on around her. She knew Pacey was upset with her but for some reason had no desire to make things right with him. She felt tired. She was considering leaving just as Dawson made his appearance.
"Hey, Joey."
"Hi, Dawson. Where have you been?"
"It's kind of a long story."
"Where's Jen?"
"Uh, well…that's part of the story." A slow song began to play. "How would you like to dance with me and I'll try to summarize what happened."
"Sure," said Joey, curious.
They started swaying to the music. Pacey sauntered back into the gym and was surprised to see Joey missing from her seat. He scanned the dance floor and was even more surprised to find her dancing with Dawson, very closely. They seemed to be talking and he wondered what Dawson was telling her. As irritated as he was with the evening, he was more irritated by the sight of the two of them in a cozy embrace. He walked up to them and did the obligatory tap on the shoulder.
"May I cut in?" he inquired evenly.
"Hey, Pace," smiled Dawson. "Yeah, sure. After all, she is your date."
Dawson walked away and they stared at each other awkwardly for a moment before Pacey tentatively took Joey in his arms. They held each other uncomfortably at first, but by the time the song ended and another slow song began they had settled into a more satisfying embrace. As he caressed her back, she brought her cheek next to his and shut her eyes. This was what they were used to. It felt so good.
Pacey sighed. "Joey, I…"
"What? You could talk to Dawson but not to me?"
"It's not like that," she defended.
"Then why don't you tell me what it is like, Joey," he growled. "Because, for the life
of me, I don't have a clue what's going on."
Joey had tried so hard to keep it together, but for some reason she had hit her
breaking point and all she wanted to do was hurt him.
"It's not worth it," she said coldly.
She watched as his face went ashen. His arms limply disengaged from her body.
She hated herself, so she left. She left him standing like a zombie in the middle of the
dance floor.
He slowly walked over to a nearby chair and fell into it, numb. His mind was reeling.
The room seemed to be reeling. Suddenly, Dawson was standing in front of him.
"Pace, look who I found."
Andie appeared at Dawson's side.
"Where's Joey?" asked Dawson.
"I don't know," he answered hoarsely.
"Well, I'm going to go look for her."
Dawson walked away leaving Andie and Pacey alone.
"You don't look too good," she noted.
"I don't feel too good."
"Come dance with me."
"No, thank you."
"Come on, I love this song and I promised Dawson that I would dance with you."
He barely registered her last comment. In his weakened state, she easily pulled him
out of his chair and onto the dance floor. She put her arms around him, but he barely
moved.
"Geez, it's just one dance, Pacey, then I'll go back to my own date."
"You're here with somebody?"
"I came with Dan McAdams," she said. "Does that bother you?"
He considered it for a second before answering.
"Does it bother you that I came with Joey?"
"No, but you guys aren't really…" she began, but the look in his eyes told her a
different story. She suddenly didn't know how she felt. In his state of mind, he didn't
really realize what he was saying. He didn't care anymore. He hurt too much to care.
They danced quietly until the song ended. She looked at him uncomfortably as they
let go of each other.
"Take care of yourself, Pacey."
She turned to walk away.
"Andie," he called. "Why did Dawson want you to dance with me?"
"You need to talk to Dawson."
She turned and disappeared into a crowd of people.
ENTRANCE TO CAPESIDE HIGH SCHOOL
Pacey had looked all over for Dawson and finally found him sitting on the steps
outside of school. He sat down next to him.
"Hey, Pace. I couldn't find Joey."
Despite his mental exhaustion, Pacey was slowly realizing something about part of
the evening. Something that he hoped to God he was wrong about.
"Where's Jen, Dawson?" he asked in a monotone.
Dawson hesitated. "We broke up."
Pacey felt like he already knew the answer to the next inevitable question, but he
had to ask it anyway.
"Why did you break up?"
"Things weren't working out. I didn't see any future for…"
"Why did you break up?" Pacey asked again.
Dawson realized that Pacey already knew the answer and that there was no use in
hiding it.
"I'm still in love with Joey."
Pacey literally felt like throwing up. He had never felt worse in his life. He would
rather have been physically beaten than felt so torn up inside. The only good thing was
that Dawson didn't feel like talking.
"I think I'm going to head home, Pace. You need a ride?"
He shook his head and Dawson left.
Pacey didn't know what to do. He didn't know where to go. He felt like crying but the
tears wouldn't come. After what seemed like hours, he dragged himself to his truck and
headed home.
JOEY'S HOUSE
At some point on his slow journey home, he decided that he couldn't let it go another
minute. He needed some sort of resolution. He pulled up to Joey's house for a second
time that day and pounded on the door. His jacket discarded, he stood with his sleeves
rolled up, hands on his hips, and head staring at his feet. When the door opened, he
barely had the energy to look up into her eyes.
"Pacey, what are you doing here?"
She was standing in her pajamas and it was apparent that she had been crying,
which made her all the more defensive.
"We need to talk."
He pushed past her and into the house.
"Can't we do this some other time?"
"No." He looked around. "Is Bessie home?"
"She and Alex are out of town."
He stared at her resolutely.
"What's going on, Joey?"
"Nothing. There's nothing going on."
"There's something going on because you've blown me off ever since Dawson
invited us over for movie night." A thought struck him. "Is that what this is about?
Dawson?"
"It has nothing to do with Dawson."
"Then explain it to me, Joey. Why have you been ignoring me?" he pleaded.
"You wouldn't understand."
He was hurt by her assertion.
"How can you say that to me? Knowing how close we've become, how can you
believe that I wouldn't understand?"
Joey hadn't meant to admit that something was in fact wrong. She was intent on
continuing her denial of the situation.
"I told you it's nothing, Pacey. I'm just a little stressed out. That's all."
She turned to walk away but he grabbed her arm and turned her to face him.
"No, that's not all. I'm not leaving until you tell me the truth."
Annoyed, she shook off his tight grip.
"You're going to be waiting an awful long time," she seethed.
He stepped closer to her, trying to recognize the person he once knew.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked.
"What am I doing?" she said, raising her voice. "Am I hurting you? Is that it? It's
about you? Poor little Pacey. God forbid he have to go through a little more turbulence in
his life. God forbid that he have to deal with anything on his own. Well, I'm more used to
dealing with things on my own and that's the way I prefer it to be. Maybe it's your own
fault that you're feeling so lousy, not mine."
She was going for the jugular, but Pacey was beyond caring for himself.
"You don't have to do it on your own, Jo. That's a choice you made. I'm offering you
another option."
She seemed to consider his statement for a second, but it didn't make it past her
defenses.
"You can't help," she stated and turned away once again.
"Could you at least explain to me why? Why I can't help you? Why you won't let
me?"
She was tired of the conversation.
"Get out."
"No."
"Please, leave."
"No, not until you answer me."
Her fatigue and his persistence drove her to the edge. She wheeled around.
"What do you want me to say?" she almost shouted. "Huh? What do you want me to
say? I told you I was tired and I'm under a lot of stress. There's not much more to it. I
work almost every day. Finals are coming up. I have papers to write. I have to help out
Bessie with Alex, not to mention just helping around the house with things. Or did you
forget? Did you happen to forget that my dad is in prison and my mom is…" Her voice
broke and tears streamed down her face. "Oh, God."
Pacey's heart shattered. He stood woodenly as he watched her break down. With
her hands covering her face, she convulsed in sobs. He had never seen her in such a
state. He would never have believed that it was possible. She was always so strong. It
took him a bit to process what was happening. When he realized that her tears weren't
subsiding, he took a step towards her.
"Don't touch me."
"Joey, I want to help."
"You can't help me."
"I promised I would be there for you," he said. "Here I am."
"You're here now," she sobbed. "But you'll leave. People always do."
Finally, he was struck with the clarity of the situation.
"Is that what you think? You've been pushing me away because you think I'm going
to leave you?"
He walked closer until he stood right in front of her.
"I promise, Jo," he spoke gently. "I promise I will always be there for you."
"You can't say that," she cried. "You can't promise things like that. You don't know.
No one can know."
The reality of the situation was way beyond anything he had imagined. He slowly
reached out and she allowed herself to be pulled towards him. She grabbed his shirt and
buried her face in his chest, crying even harder, as he encircled her in his arms
protectively.
There was nothing for him to say. She was right, he realized. He couldn't promise.
He could only offer what he was able, and hope it was enough.
And for the moment, it was enough.
