Angst Monkey

by
Kay

Part Six

Spike didn’t let go of the Abject when the door opened. He spun around, dragging the weaker vampire with him. He met Angel’s gaze with his own hate-filled stare. “What the hell is this, then?” he asked, shaking the Abject.

“Put him down, Spike.” Angel’s face was a picture, a mixture of shame and anger. He moved in closer cautiously, giving him plenty of space.

“Not til I hear some explanations.” The Abject was struggling in his grip, twisting back and forth with the effort to get away. Get away, and get near Angel. Spike knew exactly what was going through his mind. After all, he’d been him, once, lost to everything but the need to be by Dru’s side and. He could still remember what it was like, to be filled with that drive, to know nothing but that need to please. It had consumed his days and nights until Angelus had freed him from it and some of it lingered still, binding him to Dru with ties stronger than love or blood or sex. It was slavery in its strongest form, destroying the will and transforming the heart until nothing existed but the Abject’s creator. Spike had no stomach for the idea and even Angelus had disliked it.

“Spike.” Angel’s gaze darted between him and the wretch twisting in his arms.

“What? Worried I’ll break your toy?” Spike shook him tauntingly. “You’re walking around, going on about your soul and how you’ve changed and here you’ve made an Abject. What’s the matter? Slayer not putting out fast enough for you?”

Dangerous light sparked in Angel’s eyes. “I didn’t have a choice. Just like if you don’t put him down, I’m not going to have a choice about what I do to you.”

“Feeling randy? He is pretty.” Spike took a better look at the Abject and remembered having seen him before. “Hell, you offered me a go at him before. Mind if I take you up on that?”

He’d pushed too far. Angel was on him, tearing the boy out of his grip and then shoving with all his strength, propelling Spike across the room. The Abject went down hard, hands and knees skidding on the floor. Spike watched as the dark-haired boy immediately turned his attention to Angel, staying low but getting closer. It reminded him of what he’d been, how Dru had been not the center of his world, but his entire world until there was nothing left but her and her pleasure. Hatred rose up in him, thick and bitter. Worse than being a minion, worse than being dead and the boy didn’t even realize it. Slavery of the most exquisite kind and Spike hated thinking of himself like that, hated this reminder of that time.

Angel kept himself between Spike and the Abject. “Get out, Spike.”

“You never did learn to share.”

“He’s not a toy.” Some of the anger went out of Angel’s form then. “I didn’t…there wasn’t another choice. I need him for a fight that’s coming up. If he’s not around to face them, then demons are going to tear this town apart. They might even take out you and Drusilla.”

Spike wanted to tell him what a load of shit that was, but he couldn’t. He needed Angel’s help, much as that galled him, and he wasn’t going to be able to make himself ask now. He needed to get out and away, calm down and then try again. “This isn’t over,” he warned.

“Just stay away from him.”

Shaking his head in disgust, Spike moved toward the front door. He kept a careful eye on Angel as he did, wary of an attack. The last thing he saw before going out the door was the boy, still on the ground, staring up at Angel with starving eyes.

Part Seven

Was it the Hellmouth doing this? Or just his usual bad luck? Angel swore under his breath and went into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. The last thing he needed to see right now was Xander staring at him like he was the be all and end all.

Just what he needed to add to his list of worries: Spike stalking him. Angel couldn’t begin to imagine what Spike wanted but he knew that he’d find out soon enough. It would only take Spike a few days to calm down and then he’d be back. Quick to anger, Spike was often just as quick to calm down and get himself back on track with dogged determination.

Feeling a little calmer himself, Angel forced himself to go back out into the living room and look at Xander. “Are you all right? Did he hurt you?”

Xander shook his head. “Are you all right?”

He should have expected that. “I’m fine. Did Spike hurt you?”

Xander shook his head again.

Angel sighed. He remembered that from Spike, too. So long as nothing was broken and he wasn’t bleeding too obviously, Spike had always said he was fine when asked. He never wanted to be separated from Drusilla for any amount of time, even if it was to get patched up and heal.

He hasn’t thought about those times in decades, but with Xander now an Abject and Spike in town those memories were crowding into his thoughts, impossible to escape. The way Spike – William, then – had followed Dru around with slavish devotion, hanging on her every word and leaping to fulfill her every whim... He’d seen William hunt for her and go hungry himself, try to take beatings for her before he realized how much she enjoyed them, suffer in silence when she got distracted and forgot about him only to go crawling to her the moment she showed any interest in him. It had been rather amusing at first, playing with Drusilla in order to torment William…until Angelus had realized that nothing he did would ever upset William enough to make him turn on Dru. Nothing could have been too much for him because he lived to please her.

Angelus’s amusement had soon faded. There was something pathetic about the Abject that had irked him, made him want to end the devotion. Part of it was his dislike of Dru having someone that he’d never be able to take away with anything less than true death, but some of it was also revulsion at the idea of a vampire acting like a human thrall. They were better than their food, stronger, and it had been time for William to realize that.

It had taken time, days and weeks and months and more blood than any of them had ever seen to train William and strengthen him until he became a true childe, a true vampire. It was then that he’d become Spike, partially to impress Dru, but Angel knew it had also been an attempt to get away from the Abject he’d been. Once he’d had his ability to think and reason and feel for true back, Spike had hated what he’d been even though he still loved Dru.

Just like Xander would hate what he’d become if he’d been able to see himself. Angel glanced back over at him and immediately wished he hadn’t. Xander was still watching him, hope and worry clear in his expression. Every so often he’d shift as though getting ready to go to Angel, then he’d pull himself back at the last moment. He remembered the rules, then, and was fighting his new nature in order to obey them.

It made Angel want to turn back time and stop this from ever happening. It made him want to hit things. At least he could do the second. “Xander? Come on. We’re going to go get that sword and then I’ll show you how to use it.”

Part Eight

Xander was exhausted and his arms ached so badly that he wasn’t sure he could raise them above his head, but he couldn’t stop grinning. Angel had spent the whole rest of the night with him. Just him! He fought to hide the smile, not wanting his Sire to catch him acting like a fool, but it was a struggle. Every time he thought he had his face expressionless he’d remembered something that had happened and it would come back again.

They’d gone down to the cave where the sword was and Xander had picked it up. The blade and the hilt of it were slick with blood…his blood. Xander thought maybe knowing that should have upset him, but it hadn’t. The sword might have killed him but it had also brought him to Angel and Xander had reached down to pick it up without any hesitation. He’d left the cave when Angel had, but he’d wanted to linger. That was where Angel had turned him. Xander couldn’t remember any of it and he wished that he did. He didn’t dare ask Angel about it, though. His Sire had made it clear he didn’t feel like talking. Maybe some day Angel would bring him back and he could try to recapture those lost memories.

Once they had gotten back above ground, Angel had pulled a sword of his own out from under his coat and he’d begun to teach Xander the basics of using one: how to hold it right, how to thrust and cut and maybe block a little, too. It had been easier than Xander had thought it would be. Being a vampire had improved his speed and his reflexes, but he was pretty sure his desire to please Angel was making the biggest difference. He had to make Angel happy and he’d do it however he could, including by learning to use the sword. They’d practiced until both of them were tired and then begun walking back to Angel’s apartment.

Part way there they’d been attacked by a group of demons. Xander hadn’t recognized them but there was no way he was going to let them hurt his Sire. He might only know three moves with the sword but it was the sword of Rinkydink and Angel was counting on him, so he dove right into the fight. He’d slashed at them with the sword, driving them back at first just through surprise, then through wariness as he made them bleed. He’d soon used up his repertoire of moves, though, and the demons had moved in for revenge.

In a vague sort of way Xander had known that he should have been terrified, but he hadn’t been. All that had mattered was he was helping Angel…who had moved between him and the demons and showed him how a sword was supposed to be used, cutting them down until the ones left standing had broken and run.

Xander wasn’t proud that he’d needed saving but Angel had saved him and the grin was back again. He continued walking a little behind Angel, just enjoying the sight of his Sire. It had been a good night; once or twice while they were training Angel had said he was learning quickly and he’d even smiled a couple of times. When they reached the apartment Xander was more than ready to celebrate with a meal. The single bag of blood Angel gave to him to heat wasn’t enough. Xander could remember thinking he was starving to death while going through growth spurts, but that had nothing on the emptiness inside of him now. He didn’t want to ruin Angel’s happiness with him, though, so he stayed quiet and thanked his Sire for the food.

Angel smiled faded a little bit. “We had a long night. Why don’t you go to your room and sleep?”

Xander didn’t want to sleep, not alone in his room. He would rather spend his time with Angel, even if it was just watching him read. He could be quiet, if that was what pleased his Sire. Still, it wasn’t his place to object. “All right,” he said and when he saw the relief on Angel’s face he knew that he’d made the right choice.

Alone in his room, he closed the door. He pulled off his clothes and dropped them on the ground, then sat down on the bed. He leaned over and grabbed one of the best parts of the evening out of his pants pocket. He lifted the black scrap of cloth to his face and inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of his Sire. Angel had cursed when one of the demons had cut through his coat with a lucky thrust, but he hadn’t moved to retrieve the torn portion. Xander had picked it up in case Angel had wanted it, but when his Sire didn’t mention it he decided he could keep it for himself. It wasn’t much but it smelled of Angel and that was all Xander cared about. Clutching the scrap tightly, Xander laid down to go to sleep, taking deliberate breaths every so often to breathe his Sire in.

Part Nine

Angel slipped out of his apartment when the sun was barely set, feeling slightly ashamed of himself. He didn’t have to see Buffy that urgently, but he didn’t want to see Xander and that meant leaving while the Abject was still asleep. Unless Angel ordered him to stay in his room with the door shut, Xander would spend the entire evening following him around the apartment, trying to stay quiet and staring at him wistfully. Angel had begun taking Xander out every night several hours before dawn and training him hard with the sword, wearing him out so he’d sleep longer during the day and give Angel a little more peace, a little more privacy. He was out of practice living with someone, especially someone like Xander.

The walk to the cemetery where he was going to meet Buffy was just long enough for him to settle his nerves, the cool night air helping to soothe his irritation. The apartment felt clausterphobic: there wasn’t enough room inside of it for him and Xander and his guilt. He had to get outside and see Buffy for a little while. Maybe she could help him forget it for a little while. He’d been able to lose himself in watching her before and he wanted that again, wanted to stop thinking about Xander and what he’d done to him.

Buffy was waiting for him at the tomb they’d picked as a meeting place. He kept his gaze on her as he walked toward her: golden girl who was just as lovely in moonlight as in sun. Someday he’d tell her that.

“Angel!” She smiled as soon as she saw him, hurrying over to greet him.

“Buffy.”

Before he could say more, she asked, “How’s Xander?”

He barely held back his wince. What else had he expected her to ask? He’d been busy training Xander for the past few days and hadn’t seen her. She’d had no news of Xander. Of course she was worried about him. “He’s…fine.” What else was there to say?

“Just fine?”

“He’s learning how to use the sword.”

“Really? How’s that going?”

“Good. He’s getting better everyday.” He wasn’t going to tell her more, not about how he knew Xander was pushing himself to learn better, faster, because he wanted Angel to be proud of him. Angel knew how an Abject thought; he’d seen enough with William to know Xander’s motives. He sometimes heard Xander practicing in his room, working himself into exhaustion and beyond to try to earn a little bit of extra praise. Angel gave it to him when he could bring himself to be that much of a hypocrite: why build up Xander’s hopes when he was just a tool? That seemed even crueler than what he was doing. He was an extension of the sword he held and nothing more…but he’d never understand that and never give up.

If Angel ever caught another vampire making an Abject, he’d make his dying last for days.

“Do you need help with training him? I’m getting pretty good with the sword, myself. Giles says so, anyway.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

She nodded, but she didn’t look convinced. “I want to see him,” she said quietly. “So does Willow. I think Giles is worried, too.”

“Buffy…I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“It’s Xander.”

“It’s a vampire.” That came out a little harsher than he’d intended and she flinched away from him. “I’m sorry, but it’s true. He isn’t the friend you remember – he’s a vampire.” He reached out to touch her shoulder and before he knew it she was in his arms.

“I know,” she said. “But I still want to see him. Maybe I need to, to make it real.”

“Maybe,” he agreed quietly, holding her close. It felt good to be able to comfort someone, to do something that really helped. His thoughts wandered back to Xander and the way he’d sometimes wrap his arms around himself, hugging his chest while he waited for Angel to tell him to do something, anything. It was like he was trying to comfort himself, give himself the touches he wasn’t getting from his Sire…Angel forced his attention back to the present. He was with Buffy now, and she was the one who needed him. She was the one he was beginning to fall in love with. Xander was unfortunate and sad and it wasn’t the boy’s fault at all, but there wasn’t anything Angel could do but make him as efficient a fighter as possible.

He turned his attention to Buffy, trying to comfort her and talk her out of seeing Xander. It would just end up hurting her, hurting all of them. He also didn’t want to get into the arguments that would ensue if Giles recognized Xander for what he was. He didn’t know how much the watcher knew about Abjects but he knew that the man would instinctively object to the entire concept even though it was the only way to control Xander for as long as they needed to. Better to keep everyone separated for a little while longer. He concentrated on enjoying the feeling of Buffy in his arms and not thinking about Xander back at the apartment, where he’d no doubt be awake and missing Angel and holding himself alone.

Part Ten

Xander shoved his hands deep into his pockets. If he kept them there maybe Angel wouldn’t notice they were shaking. He couldn’t help it. He was nervous, scared. For the past couple of weeks, it had just been him and Sire, going out to train at night and then coming back to the apartment. As close to other people as Xander had come to seeing was Spike. Other than that, there had only been the demons they fought and Angel. That was fine with Xander: he didn’t need anyone but Angel, didn’t really care about seeing anyone else. But Angel said he had to go meet the people he’d called friends when he was alive and so Xander was following him down the street.

He wasn’t really worried about meeting Buffy and Willow and Giles. He remembered them; remembered being friends with them and caring…but all of that was gone. He didn’t have room for anyone but Angel, didn’t want anyone but Angel. Angel had warned him that they might get upset when they saw him. Xander didn’t care…but Angel did, so he didn’t want to upset them. He was going to be quiet and be good and get this over with and he’d make his Sire proud because he’d obey all the rules.

The familiar lights of the library glowed a little bit ahead and Xander had to force himself to walk faster so he could keep up with Angel. He didn’t want to see them. He especially didn’t want to see Buffy. Angel left him alone almost every night and when he came back he always smelled like her. The only thing that stopped him from hating her was the fact that she made Angel happy, the way Xander wasn’t good enough to do.

Angel paused while they were still outside the building. “Xander? Remember the rules.”

“I will,” Xander promised. “All of them.” He wouldn’t touch the humans, wouldn’t do anything to upset them. He’d be good, quiet and good.

Sire stared at him for a few moments longer, then nodded. “Let’s get this over with.” He turned and walked away without looking back at Xander.

Xander continued to follow him, inching closer as the entered the building and his nervousness increased. He wasn’t sure how to be what these people wanted; he couldn’t even figure out how to be what Angel wanted. He was terrified of disappointing Sire and he moved nearer to him, looking for comfort that he knew he didn’t deserve.

He heard and smelled them before he walked into the library so he knew exactly what he’d see when he walked into the room behind Angel: Buffy and Willow and Giles, all staring at him with worry clear in their expressions. As he watched, Willow’s eyes filled with tears and Giles blinked rapidly. He glanced over at Buffy and nearly started gasping for unneeded breath. Everything about her told him that Sire was in danger from her and it was a struggle not to throw himself between the two of them and protect Angel. He wanted her gone, wanted her dead so he’d know Angel was safe…but she was human and he couldn’t hurt humans, couldn’t even touch them.

“Xander?” Willow’s voice pulled him away from those dangerous thoughts. He forced himself to step around Angel and meet her gaze. She moved toward him and raised her hand and he shied away a little.

“Hi, Willow.” He tried out a smile and had a feeling he failed, since her tears didn’t go away. He glanced at Buffy and Giles, too and raised a hand in greeting.

“This is weird,” Buffy said. “I want to ask you if you’re ok, but…”

“Yeah.” Weird wasn’t how he’d describe it, but he wasn’t going to disagree with her. That wouldn’t please Angel. “I’m sorry.”

Now she had tears, too. “It’s not your fault. We’re the ones that should be sorry.”

Angel moved closer to her. “Buffy…”

Xander fought to keep his face expressionless as he watched Sire reach out to her. His instincts screamed at him that his Sire was in danger, that he had to protect him. He also had to battle down jealousy. The last time Angel had touched him had been days ago, to help him up after he’d been injured fighting demons. It hurt to see him reaching out to Buffy and giving her everything that he wanted so very badly. He was being good, though, so he swallowed all of that down and hid it, just like he did his bet to hide everything else that might disappoint Angel.

After a few quiet words from Angel, Buffy looked steadier when she met his gaze again. “You’re going to help us patrol?”

“That’s what Angel said.” There. His voice came out even, no hatred in it anywhere.

They made their way to the cemetery in awkward silence. None of the humans seemed to know what to say and Xander was too focused on keeping a careful distance from Angel and from them to come up with anything. Fortunately they found plenty of vampires in the shadows and soon they were too busy to talk. Xander killed things when Angel told him to and he kept his eyes to himself, not wanting to see pain on Willow's face or regret on Giles’s or pleasure on Buffy’s when Angel stayed close to her.

He just wasn’t good enough yet. He knew that. He just had to work harder. Once he was better, stronger, smarter, he’d be able to make Angel happy and then maybe Angel would let him as close as Buffy was.

He just had to try harder.

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