Hey everybody, this is Erin. This site is brand spankin' new as of April 22, 2003, so there's not much here yet. I promise that I'm working on it, so stop by from time to time and check out what's new. You'll love it, I swear... You'll laugh, you'll cry...you'll wonder just how slow I really type....
Well, campers...it's been almost two months since I started this site, and I actually have some fairly cool stuff up now. It is slow going for a novice, but I am learning a little every day. Just wait ! In a milllenia or three...this will be cutting edge, state of the art, web-fantastic blah de blah de blah. You heard it here first !
Oh thank GOD ! I finally got rid of that nasty Trojan Horse Virus "Checkin" that I picked up. That thing was driving me IN-SANE ! No matter what I did, it kept recreating itself...(the little bastard)! But I finally got it ! Take THAT !! Patience IS a virtue after all...
You know, I have this belated "Welcome to the 20th Century" feeling... but it is still REALLY cool to finally see my name and my website listed in the Google, Yahoo (et al) searches. I have to confess... I've looked me up more than once just to see it. I pull my boyfriend over and say "Type in my name, type in Bloom County... See, there I am ! Number 12 ! COOL, huh?" There is just something about it... Does that officially make me a geek? NAH....
Wisdom Of the Day :
Hope isn't something you have, it's something you give yourself.
Bad Joke of the Day :
My boyfriend and I have having serious religious differences. I was raised Catholic, and he is Satan.
I had the best birthday ever! Jon took me to this new little Italian restaurant (yum-my !), and then we just hung out and played pool, air hockey, bowled a few games... and laughed and laughed... never thought I could have so much fun at a BOWLING ALLEY (of all places !) Goes to show you that it's the company you keep, not where you go or what you do that really matters !
People are driving me bonkers with the "When are you gonna put a pic of you up on your website?!?" I will !!! SOON !!! Keep your panties on, already !!! Since I gave our brand new, unused, state of the art digital camera away to Goodwill (either very generous, or very insane, depending on how you look at it..) The process of putting my own pictures up is this whole big ordeal... it involves digging the photo albums out, picking the pics, driving them to Kinko's to get them transferred, blah blah blah. Until then, you will just have to satisfy yourselves with my sparkling wit and unrivaled brillance. (Cough-cough) Capishe?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!
It's Veterans Day.... let's all take a moment and remember those who fought for the freedoms we take for granted every day !!! Where would we be without you?!?
Happy Thanksgiving !!!
Today, as I count my blessings.... the one that stands out most for me right now is the blossoming friendship I have with a VERY special person. He had to go away for the holidays, and it made me realize what a big part of my life and my heart he has become... so thank you, God for the blessing... and thank you, OD for your amazing friendship !!! I love you !
MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!
Happy Holidays ya'll !
Amist all the chaos and stress of the season... try to take time to remember what REALLY matters... family, friends, and faith. Peace, joy and love to all... now and throughout the coming year !!!
Just wanted to wish everyone a very...
Memo to Chris.... I'M trouble?? I'm trouble?? Everyone sing with me now... "Upside down... Boy, you turn me... Inside out, and round and round" (You don't DO disco, you say? Tuff noogies.. you do now !!) Why am I only able to think in song lyrics at this moment? Been singing "Go To Sleep" from 'On a Clear Day...' for the last hour... over and over again.
Where EXACTLY do they sell that book that contains all of life's answers?? You know the one... Is that something I can get at Amazon? Ebay, perhaps?? Hmmmm.
Hey ya ! Comments du jour....
1) Happy Leap Year !
2) Oy ! Now I REALLY wish I hadn't put off researching the Democratic candidates until 2 days before Super Tuesday... now my eyes are starting to glaze over reading about them online. Why do I always do this? NEXT time, I will not do the cramming thing...lol. You believe me, right?
D'OH ! of the day....
Ok... you know what? We feel what we feel. What are we gonna do... torture ourselves endlessly about it?
"That isn't right. that isn't cool, I shouldn't feel that way ! !" Blah blah blah.. but you know what? Ya DO feel that way... so instead of pushing it down as unacceptable... why don't you just deal with it ? !Yeah... we have to figure out how to deal with our feelings with SOME amount of grace. And, yeah... you certainly don't want to act on EVERY feeling that you have... but what is the POINT of telling ourselves NOT to feel what we feel? Does that make us stop feeling it? No, it just makes it worse, and NOW we get the added bonus of feeling all tormented over it. Oy ! Did I ever mention that I LOVE getting older? Good example right here... I will not be sad to grow out of this ! I feel what I feel. YAY !
"Oooohhh... when you gonna make another mini-journal entry ?!?"
"Yeah... you haven't made one since April !!!"
"I like reading UPDATED stuff, so when are you gonna DO THAT???"
No, it's not that I have a slew of rabid fans...
just one REALLY pesky one... LOL.
SO...here is my entry...
Compare and Contrast :
Who's life is better... mine... or my rabid fan's?
Point 1) I - can operate a phone... He - has a few phone-usage issues.
ADVANTAGE: ME
Point 2) I - am being assulted by fruit flies... He - is not.
LOVE.
Point 3) He - owns a motorcycle... I - can make a vroom-vroom noise.
ADVANTAGE: HIM
Point 4) He - has a job... I - do not.
LOVE.
Point 5) He - lives next door to his inlaws... I - have none.
ADVANTAGE: ME
Point 6) He - owns a St Bernard... I - have fish.
LOVE.
Point 7) I - eat apples... He - can tell you at what temperature apples should be stored.
ADVANTAGE: HIM
Point 8) I am enjoying BEA-UTIFUL weather... He - is getting rained on.
LOVE.
Point 9) I - have my own website... He - thinks html is an acronym for "haf ta make lunch".
ADVANTAGE: ME
AND FINALLY...
Point 10) He - no matter WHAT he does, will always ALWAYS be OLDER than me.
LOVE.
Well, as pointless wastes of time go... that was a FINE one, wasn't it, children?
And, to my #1 Stalker.... ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!?!?!
Kiss kiss kissity kiss kiss...
You know... sometimes I really feel bad for men. I am SO glad that I was never taught that having emotions makes me weak. I know it's a societal thing... but if I had to feel bad everytime I felt a emotion other than anger... I would go INSANE ! Cause it's not that women FEEL more than men... we are just granted that permission TO feel it with having to feel guilty about it. If I could bottle that permission and sell it... I would be a freekin GAZILLIONAIRE ! No wonder you guys are so pissy sometimes... I'd be pissy too if my God given right to be a feeling human being was morphed into "You wuss, you GIRL, you weakling!" I honestly don't know why more of you don't rebel against that. That can't be fun...
But, then again... that explains why men and women just don't GET each other sometimes... women are looking at men like "How hard IS it to say how you feel?"... and men are looking at women saying "Why can't you just leave me ALONE about it?" Geez... If I were a guy, I would have to buck the system and come up with my OWN idea of what it means to be a strong man... screw what soceity says... screw what your Dad believed... shouldn't GUYS be allowed to feel without having to worry if their balls are gonna climb back up and be reabsorbed into their system? It's ridiculous ! You have your tough side, you have your gentle side... that's just the way it IS ! Reclaim your rights as men ! Don't let society TELL you who you should be... what the hell does society know? Your sons will thank you...
THANK YOU, ED! ! !
You have no NO idea HOW MUCH I needed that! ! !
Oooooh... I've been slacking! Whoopsie. Not that there are scores of unwashed masses out there going "WHEN will she update her journal?" LOL Been watching the Torino Winter Games... not digging the new ice skating scoring system. You can fall TWICE and still win a silver? Oh....kay...... And what's up with Bode Miller? Is age getting to him? He got disqualified in 4 out of the 5 downhill events he competed in! A real slap in the face to all that decided to "Join Bode" at JoinBode.com (It actually says "Live the Bode Way Watch Bode Interviews. Explore His Philosophy & Join Something Great. www.JoinBode.com") Ooohh... and I was thiiiis close to signing up...
And that whole Shani Davis/Chad Hedrick brou ha ha? At first I was all "This is a media created storm only because he's the first black up for individual gold in the Winter games..." Lots of people decide not to do a team event in prep for another race... Then I saw the interview they TRIED to do with Shani right after he won the gold for men's 1000m speedskating. I WANT to say he's just young and stupid... and I realize that he was "upset" that Hedrick didn't run down to shake his hand (what are you, 5??) but.. you just won a GOLD medal. The FIRST individual gold for a black man in the Winter Games!!! Could ya TRY to look happy?!? I felt sorry for that interviewer lady... "Are you ANGRY about something, Shani?" Then they cut back to the normally calm, cool and collected Bob Costas... even HE had that look of "WHAT THE HELL?!?" Where is Vonetta Flowers when you need her?
Also... since I am an unofficial Opening Ceremony critic (Only cause I got to go to the day-before full dress rehersal of Atlanta's 1996 games and am prejudiced to think that noone and nothing can top MY games (except the flaming arrow lighting of the torch in Barcelona in 1992) I do have to give a shout out to the way they "released the doves"... that huge "men-climbing-nets-till-they form-a-giant-dove" thing. That was pretty cool. I WILL admit to screaming at the TV... "Don't try to flap the wings or you'll all kill yourselves!" Crisis averted. I WON'T, however, tell you how many times watching the ceremony I said "ours was better..." (If you've ever been a volunteer at the Olympics... you know how crazy possessive you can get)
I still have Apolo Anton Ohno's short track (great Olympic name... but still not as great as Peter VanDenHoogenband ! ! !) and the Closing Ceremony to look forward to... Be well everybody!
OK, guestbook guy Tiggerr (IF that's really REALLY your name...) You are right... It's time to make one of my regular 2 month - 1 1/2 year timely journal updates. Consistancy is the hobgoblin of little minds you know... And also... a watched pot never boils. Besides the fact that a stitch in time saves 9. You think about THAT for a moment, why don't cha? LOL. ANYHOOOOO... Since I cannot possibly update from Feb 2006 (time flies when you are in a state of suspended animation... which actually doesn't really apply at all, so forget I mentioned it...) What's been happening lately, you ask? Well... on the good news front... my better (although we debate the validity of that occasionally) half, Jon, went back to school and graduated this June... and now he's taking more classes at Athens Tech. So SO PROUD of him. His daughter and her sister have been spending more and more time here. That's a good news / bad news thing b/c of the reason why... how HORRIBLE it is at their house. Some people should not be parents... n'est pas? Moving on to happier topics...
This summer I have discovered the ecstasy and agony of online freebie hunting. It has opened my eyes to the serious need we have for a new batch of "The More You Know" PSA's... I can see it now...(SNL's Wayne and Garth swirly "du du du du du... du du du du")
"This is Erin... once a functioning member of society... now a slave to the seedy underbelly of the internet. What is her terrible secret, you ask? "Is it porn?" No. "Chain Email?" Uh-uh. "Bidding on Ebay just to pump prices up?" Think again. Neighbors believe she's having an affair with the UPS man... but the truth is far more sinister than that. She is caught in a web of Online Freebies and Samples. They glut her mailbox. They make her lie. ("Sure, I'm a 10 year old boy with diabetes!") Her world has become a tiny echo of what it once was. Tiny tubes of toothpaste, wee little packets of shampoo, microscopic squares of perfume, and even Lilliputian underwear that doesn't fit a 9 year old...Don't let this happen to you.
Just say no.
This is your brain on freebies
(and other applicable cliches)
It may be too late for Erin... but it doesn't have to be for you ! ! !"
And yes, I DO have some free time on my hands. Ya'll are just jealous. LOL. Take care all.
See ya again in 2 months to 1 1/2 years...
Title this one: IF HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BEFORE...
So.... I'm pretty new to this whole freebies and samples thing, right? But... Jon and I have been quietly enjoying getting a few little things in the mail here and there. Quietly until today, that is... Today I won Jonathan the Wypall Wiper / Nascar "Crew Chief For a Race" Sweepstakes GRAND PRIZE of: (and I quote...)
"One (1) Grand Prize consists of: Opportunity to work with a WYPALL* Wipers race team crew chief designated by Kimberly-Clark; round-trip coach air travel for one (1) from the major commercial airport nearest winner's primary residence to an airport in vicinity to the race in Bristol, TN; single occupancy accommodations for arrival Friday Aug. 24, 2007 through departure Sunday Aug. 26, 2007; all ground transportation to and from race and airport; one (1) garage and pit pass; one (1) ticket to the Nextel Cup race; $500 spending cash to cover all incidentals including food and beverage."
OMG OMG OMG !!!!
I got a phone message from the president of Marketing 500 (the Sports Marketing company for Nascar, among other things) I had to Google the name and phone number before I could believe it enough to call Jon at work to tell him... it would have CRUSHED us both if it was a scam!!!
BUT... it's for real, he talked to the lady and it's all set. He's going to get to:
1) Fly for the first time
2) Be in the pit with Nascar crews and drivers AND
3) Wander all around the track with a camera crew following him around...
Did I mentioned that he screamed like a 12 year old girl at the American Idol finale???
For 8 minutes straight ! ? !
LOL ! ! !
Yeah, he loves me...
"No, you cannot come home and jump me right now, honey..."
LOL
I SOOO wish I could go with him... but, as you see... it is a prize for 1.
BUT... how COOL is that???
And to think... all I was hoping for was some free Wypall Cloth Wipers...
WOOOOHOOOO !!!
THANK YOU, GOD! ! !
America got it right.
In 2000, I was disappointed and concerned. In 2004, I felt sick and in disbelief. This time... I refused to get my hopes up because, unlike 2000 and 2004, I was actually moved and inspired by my candidate. I thought: "considering how stunned and sickened I felt THEN... how am I gonna feel if Obama loses? !" Just couldn't face it. I've been voting for 22 years, and this is the first time I actually felt nervous in line. This one MATTERED so much more. This man is intelligent, educated, truly presidential in bearing, manner, speech, thought and attitude. Was America going to feel like I did? That he is what we need, deserve? Would we, as a nation, be wise enough to recognize the qualities that have been so sorely and sadly missing in our leaders, our country? Grace, class, honor, decency, integrity, wisdom, honesty, SANITY??
AMERICA CAME THROUGH!!!
God is good, God is GREAT...
To quote a song... "It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life....."
What was so weird was how somber and serious and tearful I was, am. Jon and I hugged and jumped for about 15 seconds, but mostly I was silent, tears streaming. SO many faces I saw on CNN and others said it best.... Like Jesse Jackson.....
Utterly moved, beyond words, stunned to be living what we all know is history that has been too TOO long in coming.
The right man at the right time.
Seeing Obama's face after the speech, I could see the seriousness in his eyes... no honeymoon period here... and immediately said a prayer to God to give him strength and courage and wisdom. He has the hopes of not just OUR country, but of the entire world on his shoulders... no pressure here! But you know what? I believe in him. I'm not sure I've felt that about a politician before. In fact, I know I haven't. Liked their ideas, policies, attitudes... hoped in them, sure... but felt like I TRUST them, as a person? No.
Glad THAT happened in my lifetime, too...
As much as I liked Clinton, even he did not have what Obama has.
But, long road ahead... lots of problem, lots of healing needed.
I am just glad that it will be Obama leading us. As go our leaders, so goes the country. That how it works, isn't it? Our leader's morals, values, attitudes filter down to the masses. We've had an ignorant, poorly spoken, uncaring, dangerous president... and we became a ignorant, poorly spoken, uncaring, dangerous country.
GO OBAMA!!!
It's a new dawn, it's a new day...
Thank you, America, thank you, GOD!!!
(bow your heads in a moment of prayer...)
God, please bless, strengthen, and inform Obama, and all of us. Watch over and protect him, us, and the world. Help him and us embrace that which is wise, right, good. Help us face our fears, hardships, and challenges with grace, class, courage, patience and wisdom. Help us all to reflect You and Your wisdom, grace and love to the best of our abilities. God bless us all, everyone.
Amen.
And.... becasue I haven't said it yet...
WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO !!!!!
Not so Random Thought of the Day:
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you"
Matthew 7:6
Well, at least I know what the heck my problem is now. Ya ever heard of something called NPD? Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Well, after years of... lets not go into it... I found out that my mother, father and older sister all suffer from it. When I started to read about it... I kept bursting out in tears, both at their symptoms (which I never understood) and at how being raised by them affects people (trust me when I say that it isn't pretty!!) The prognosis made me quite emotional as well (basically zero chance that a true N will ever change because...
A) It is not a disease, it is their personality and...
B) They are N's... so they won't ever believe that they have a problem!!)
SO sad!!
Not that I was holding out much if any hope for things to improve with my family of origin anyway... (I've run that gamut A to Z and a few letters that I believe I pulled out of my ass!)...but at least I actually have some understanding now.
Do you have any idea how insane I have felt... all ganged up on by hyper-educated, uber-successful narcissists?
After reading so much online about it (both psychological info and personal accounts) I actually marvel that I am not curled in a ball somewhere, plucking my hair out strand by strand.
Not that I haven't gotten close to that...
Testament to God's love and power to protect, IMHO.
Not that I'm all SANE or anything... LOL. I can't think of one serious relationship (friend or more) that I've had where the person has not turned out to be an N.
How sad for me!
I do notice that I have gone from loving raving N's to loving mild N's... but a N is a freekin N!!!
Good GOD, the time I spent thinking I was crazy, racking my brain how to get through to one of them... how to reason with one of them (HA!!)... how to touch their hearts.
OY, the sheer manhours wasted. Womanhours, rather...
And so much hurt, confusion, insanity!!
"Denny Crane, Cuckoo for Coco Puffs..."
HOPEFULLY... armed with this info... FINALLY... I will actually be able to heal and live in the Spirit... like I have always wanted to and striven (strove?) to.
Hey... what are non-narcissists like?
OMG, can't WAIT to find out! Bet they don't totally suck, right?
I just have to grow and learn to spot one from a mile away. Now that I have some insight... I hope that this will not be a difficult, lengthy, or painful process. I could really use simple and easy at this juncture!!
Hey... special non-N pat on the back to myself for not completely losing my spirit or totally becoming one of them. Power to the (abused, used, ignored, scapegoated, stressed out, confused, unloved) little people!!
If I said it once, I'll say it a million times.... God Bless GOD!!!
Ooh, ps: when I was researching all this, I happened upon a Bible quote from Hosea, Chapter 11... (I was feeling really bad about some of the things I had done in an effort to love, put up with, get through to, or get loved by the N's I have known.) The passage is about how the Israelites were lying, being deceitful, rebelling against God... and how God was all ready to smite them when pity and love stayed His "blazing anger". God actually STOOPED to feed and love these boneheads. He got no credit, no love, no attention, no respect, but He loved them, so He did it anyway.
I gotta tell you, it made me feel a lot better about how I had stooped to help and love the N's who didn't give a crap about me. Course, my efforts were pretty much in vain, (and it really caused me a lot of pain) ... but, as misguided as I was... that passage made me feel like "Hey, God did it... so at least I was TRYING to emulate SOMETHING good..." Live and learn, baby... live and learn...
Hey! Speaking of things looking up... only two days till the inauguration. (I'm humming "Pomp and Circumstance" cause I can't think of the melody to "Hail to the Chief" at this moment.) Everybody set your DVR's. VCR's etc for the momentous occasion!! GObama!
God Bless, ya'll... thanks for reading my ramblings!
Anti-Dogmatic Rubuttal of the Day :
No Book, no matter how Good, and no man, no matter how holy... can represent the living God better than He can represent Himself. Amen.
Feeling Blue 101 :
So, you get to a certain point in your life and you realize that you have never known love, been abused by everyone you've ever loved... and have no one loving or trustworthy to turn to except yourself and God. Ummm... I shoulda had a V8? Yeah. Sometimes pithy slogans just don't cover it. I did read something applicable online....
So why in the world did we fall in love? What fuels that chemistry? Here's how it works: We observe samples of "nice" behavior and then WE fill in the blanks. In other words, we assume what the missing information really is. This is a normal and natural part of perception. If we see fancy print that misses parts of letters, such as /\, we think "oh, that is a letter A." We fill in the missing information. Our brains do that automatically. Advertisers take advantage of this process all the time. They show sexy girls with their product and you are supposed to think (if you're a guy): "I get this product and the sexy girls will want me," or (if you're a gal): "I get this product and I'll look like them." So we see someone who is polite, attractive, attentive to us, obviously interested in us, and we go "Wow! what a great person!" We really don't know if that individual will be that way all the time. But it makes us so happy to believe he or she will. In fact, our desire to be happy--a perfectly normal desire--is what causes the problems down the road when the wonderful person does some things that are not so wonderful. We overlook them. NOT because we are stupid, self-defeating, naive, or any of those other nasty things that people like to call themselves. We overlook them because we want so much to be happy that it is easier to do so than confront the truth. And anyway, there is generally a grain of kindness and goodness in nearly everyone. So it is very easy to overlook the bad. It is really a lovely part of being human to overlook the bad and see only the good. Not only does it keep us happy but it is a generous and good-hearted way to view other people. Not a bad thing. Of course, it gets us into trouble.We may overlook and overlook until one day our dreams are ruined and we realize that we spent too long overlooking because there wasn't enough goodness there to keep the relationship. We move on.
It was that last mini paragraph that really got me. "We may overlook and overlook until one day our dreams are ruined and we realize that we spent too long overlooking because there wasn't enough goodness there to keep the relationship."
Yeah.
So.
Did I mention that despite my VERY best efforts... I am not exactly having a good life?
Considering what I have gone through in the past... and all the therapy and self help and developing a relationsip with God and yada yada yada... it hurts beyond the telling of it to have to sit here and face that YET AGAIN... the one friend I loved and trusted doesn't give a good God damn about being good to me, loving me.
I feel so... devistated. I really believed that with all the years I took to be alone, get help, heal... I thought that I had gotten wiser, healthier, a better judge of character. I thought that I would never find myself here again... being forced to confront that this person I loved and trusted with my heart, my secrets... to sit here and have the worst kind of deja vu.
Query for the universe... if you were raised by abusive narcissists... and every close friendship and relationship you ever had was with people that ended up treating you like human garbage... and that's AFTER years of prayer, self help and therapy... is there any REAL chance of ever having a happy, healthy, loving relationship with anyone ever? I really thought that the light at the end of the tunnel was not another train... That's what is just killing me here. I have spent 10 years in this nightmare... rather convinced that it was love. I'm not a self pity person... but I am coming awfully close here. How do you keep your head up, keep loving yourself, keep thinking that you really do matter when you have only been used and discarded? Or betrayed and been endlessly treated like you are the bad one, the unlovable one, the unimportant? How do you keep believing in yourself, how do you keep hoping for better?
You know... it's so ironic... when I met Jon... I had a sign both on my front door and taped to the dash of my car...
And... he got in anyway... my Irish blessings have failed me... I need to put those mofo's back up...“Let those that love us, love us. And those that don't, may God turn their hearts. And, if He cannot turn their hearts, May He turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping!”
God, I can't believe that I'm here again. I cannot pick friends and lovers LITERALLY to save my life. Apparently.
I guess children are out now... so what that I spent my whole life trying to heal so that I could be a better mother than I had? Oy vey.
I'm gonna go now instead of barfing my depth of sorrow all over the internet.
Ummm... here's to happier days?
Mark the day, date and time. 10 years and I finally rid myself of this nightmare. Prayers and blessings are welcome...