Wed Jan 24th 8:50 am

Sweet funky Jesus. I can't believe I ever saw anything in this LOSER. He is one of the WORST examples of "manhood" I think I ever have been unlucky enough to see! The air is so clear and fresh when he leaves. It really is. Lighter..

Thank God I'm FIIII-NALLY waking up. Some people really ARE nightmares. And Jonathan Muller is best case example!

"Ain't No Sunshine when he's here...
Only warm when he's away...
Ain't No Sunshine when he's home
He's always home too long.
What a jerk, please go away..."

He is probably one of the worst people I have ever met. Now THAT'S saying something.... considering what dredges of humanity I have been unfortunate enough to know in some way. He is second only to George's father... That scares me that I actually feel that way. Help me, Jesus!
I KNOW that my life is about to get better... it just really sucks to have these images in my mind and heart..... what? forever??? Maybe it won't be burned on my memory and in my heart.... that's be nice.. Hard to sit here with it like a movie in my mind. I watched his eyes last night as he was chosing which way to go... To good or evil..... love or cruelty. And I watched that little glimmer of warmth and goodness snap back like a rubberband, out of his eyes. And what was left.... besides that horrible little evil smirk he gets when he's about to be cruel and ugly..... what was left in his eyes I never HOPE to be familiar with or recognize. But it was really heartbreaking.

That made me think of something... gotta have a heart to have it break. And.... since he killed HIS heart LOOONG before I got to him.... and under NO circumstance does he want it back. PER-I-OD!!!!

It saddens me PROFOUNDLY how much I have loved and believed in this man. And for how long. WOW. There go my BEST childbearing years. I really really PRAY that that is not true. How can ANYONE be that ugly to someone they claim to love? How can someone I love be so cruel? Obviously.... that's my nightmare. Set um up and watch um fall... I have always loved people who are cruel and cold and lack (...that certain..... je ne se qua....) humanity. Geez. I feel so utterly doomed by my idiot childhood. You would THINK someone like me could have and would have already triumphed over that insanity. What does it say about me that I'm still stunned and in utter disbelief that I am STILL loving cruel people. Totally unkind, bad, wrong, mean, cold, lying, blaming, inhumane people??? If I could think of something to wish.... I would. I really would.

May those who love us, love us...
And those who don't love us...
May God turn their hearts.
But... if He can't turn their hearts...
Let Him turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping.

That's the only wish I can think to make.

I need to put that back up on my door. I really do!

Anyway... since that is nothing BUT a dream... (Make um wear SIGNS!!) I really don't know which way to turn.... except to God, as usual. Only not in the usual way. He can't change Jonathan anymore than I can. He can't open Jon's heart.... or make Jon be good. He can't even get thru to him most of the time. He can't turn back the hands of time and give me my 30's back. He can't do anything like that. His love will have to be enough. I hope He has so much to give me and show me and bless me with that I recover in SOME form that doesn't include hari kari or assisted suicide. OK... what I MEAN to say is ...

I still want to be loved. Forgive me if that's wrong or lame or stupid or naive or something. But I still want to know what it feels like to really be loved. To have someone look at me sweetly, smile at me, hold my hand, listen to me, be there for me, help me, appreciate me. Someone I can trust, someone who would never hurt me... not deliberately. Not like Jon.

Is it so wrong of me to want that, to need it?

Oh God.

He who cannot howl...
Not feeling much like howling... sweet, sweet death is still looking best of all to me. Boy, you really want to drag this out, don't ya? I was gonna blame God.... but I guess it's just my idiot life. What the fuck I gotta do to get out of this BS... kill my own self???

So.... no love from Jon, no twisted ankles and no TIMELY death.... Where does that leave me?

Right... it leaves me where life LOVES to leave me. Sad, miserable, scared, alone, lonely, without ONE friend or family member to hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay...

That's not very cool. That really really really really really really hurts. I worked SO hard and fought SO long for this. Struggled thru all those years and mental tapes that said I didn't deserve it... tried to make myself worthy... to find out it doesn't FLIPPING matter how worthy you are... worth isn't even a measure. Jon was right about one thing. People come to him. People seek him out. For about 10 minutes (till they realize that he doesn't want to be loving or good or sane) Isn't it sick that it works that way? I'm sorry I couldn't or didn't want to see it before. There is no way of making this up to myself. Rather... I cannot fathom that there is any way at all. "Sorry" just cannot cover it, can it?


Here's to better days.
People who don't limp.
And Dr. Jack Kevorkian..... bless his heart...