Author: Regency
Title: Just Like It Should Be
Category: Romance, Angst, Character Death
Pairing: Jed/Abbey
Spoilers/Season: "In The Shadows of Two Gunmen" & "Jefferson Lives"
Rating: PG-13 for language and adult situations
Summary: Nothin's wrong ; Just as long as you ; Know that someday I will…
Author's Notes: I just love this song and it made sense to me. Please read the lyrics; they have relevancy.
Disclaimer: The song "Someday" is the property of rock group Nickelback. None of the characters used belong to me, but Aaron Sorkin.
POV: Jed's
link:
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I open my eyes to look around. I'm in the Residence. How the hell did I end up here? I reach up and rub my head. It feels kind of funny. I shake it and the feeling disperses for a bit. I look around a bit more. Everything looks funny; foggy, warped almost.
The last thing I can remember before waking up here is standing on the portico with Leo, then Abbey and we were bickering…again. I immediately brush away the memory. That part isn't important. That has nothing to do with how I ended up here. I mean, I don't think it does. I can't actually remember much beyond this deafening thud and flash of pain in my chest. I reach for where my heart should be and all feels normal to me. Of course, I'm not the Thoracic Surgeon in this family. Maybe I should have Abbey give me a look. Nah. Wouldn't want to rub salt in a still-healing wound. Besides there's no way I'm admitting to feeling anything other than fit as a fiddle to Abbey. She'll have me poked and prodded so many ways, I won't know what hit me.
And anyway, she's still mad at me. As a matter of fact, earlier, on the portico, she said that she found it hard to be around me at all these days. At least, when I was there, she said. Again with the resentment. It's like she thinks I don't resent things. Believe you, me, I've got plenty resentments, but I see no sense in boring you or anyone else with them, so I guess I'll go find somebody now.
Before I can even leave my seat, Abbey walks through the door. She spares a vague look in my direction, before sitting on the bed with her back to me. She rests her head in her hands and whispers something to herself that I can't hear well enough to identify. She pushes up from the bed and moves past me to the chest of drawers, but stops en route and goes to the closet instead. She comes out carrying her suitcase. Oh, God. She's leaving…Leaving me. She's leaving us, again.
How the hell'd we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
I stand up from my chair and my glasses and the book I think I was reading before fall to the floor. I don't pay them any attention. That would seem to be enough noise to get Abbey's attention, but she doesn't even flinch and keeps packing.
She goes to my drawer and takes out one of my Notre Dame sweatshirts. She holds it to her nose and takes a deep breath. Her shoulders shake, and I think she's crying. I want to go to her and tell her that everything's okay, but I don't think it is, not this time.
I wished you'd unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been to much of this
Don't think it's too late
As I walk over to her side, she walks past me as if she doesn't even see me. She walks back to the closet and pulls out my suitcase. Okay, maybe I'm the one that's leaving. She's still packing her things along with mine. Maybe we're going on a trip. I don't thinks that's it though.
I move and sit on the opposite side of the bed. She looks up and into my eyes for a moment before going back to packing. She doesn't say a word to me. I can hear her muttering under her breath while she walks around the room picking up and putting down various knick-knacks we've accumulated over the years. It's like she trying to figure out what she wants to take with her. I don't want her to take anything, because I don't want her to go. She fumbles almost nervously with the clasps on one of the suitcases. She doesn't see that it's overstuffed and keeps trying to close it. I hear a ragged sob wrench itself from her throat. I reach to the other side of the bed and rest my hand on top of hers. I'm hoping we can talk this through. I can't go through this again. The world, literally, almost came apart at the seams while she was away. I almost came apart.
She pulls her hand back and holds it to her chest for a moment and looks back to me before looking back down and fixing the luggage. Okay, no touching of her; I get that. I don’t like it, but I get it.
"Abbey, you don't have to do this. We don't have to do this. We can get through whatever's happening to us. We can get counseling or whatever you want. But please, just unpack the bags and sit down. We can talk about this. I'll make time…Now. Not tomorrow. Now." Please, Lord, don’t let it be too late. I'll make this up to her. Even if I have to spend every moment, hour, and day for the rest of my life doing it, so be it.
Nothin's wrong
Just as long as you
Know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know your wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someone knocks on the door and Abbey wipes her face with the back of her hand and the 'game face' comes on. She'll never let anyone, but me and God see her cry.
It's one of the agents, I'm guessing from her detail. I never could tell the difference between them.
"Ma'am, are you ready?" The agents voice holds that cautious tone I've used with Abbey when I wasn't completely sure of her. Abbey looks around the room.
"Not quite, Mark. If you could take the bags down to the car; I'll be ready in a second. I just need a moment…" Mark comes over and takes the bags off the bed without giving me a passing glance. I guess he doesn't hold me in as much of a high respect as others. But I guess he wouldn't.
"Yes, ma'am. I understand…Five minutes?" Abbey nods. Does she really think that we can resolve nearly forty years of whatever-the-hell in five minutes? I suppose she does.
"That should be fine. Thank you, Mark."
"You're welcomed, ma'am." He gives her a small smile, which she returns, and he leaves, closing the door behind him. She sits on the other side of the bed, her side and turns to me or my pillow as the case is. I guess it's hard for her to look at me too.
"What happened to us, Jed? We were so happy. Was it because you wanted to be President? Is that why our love fell apart? Did this…?" Her words fade as she makes a wide, sweeping gesture encompassing everything. The White House, this lifestyle, all of it. "…Did this kill us? I have to ask, Gumdrop. Was it worth it? After everything we had has fallen and I'm here standing in ruins…Was it worth it?" I'm not really sure if she wants an answer. Because, to be perfectly honest, I don't have one for her. " I guess you can't answer that now. Well, neither can I." I don’t know if I can make this up to her in what's left of my lifetime. I don't even know if I'll get the chance. I need to try though.
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know your wondering when
Well I hope that since we're here anyway
We could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end staying
I stand again and walk around to Abbey's side of the bed. Her eyes don't follow me. I need her to look at me. I need us to connect, to reconnect. That's something we haven't been doing so well of late.
"Abbey. Abbey, look, I'm sorry for everything. I--" Before I can finish the sentence, Mark's back. He leans in and looks at Abbey.
"Ma'am, the motorcade is waiting." She nods. Mark leaves again. She sighs, looking back at our bed.
"We've had some good times here." I nod in agreement. "Some pretty bad ones too." I nod even more to that one. "More times of those than the other, it seems." I don’t want to agree, but I have to admit to myself that she seems to be nearly, if not completely, correct.
She picks up her wide, black hat and slips it under one arm, while picking up her purse. She walks to the door, but stops before going through. She gives the room a brief, sweeping glance. Her gaze stops on the top of the bureau. She tips her head and walks beyond me, that way. She reaches over her head and snags the picture frame with her fingertips. She gives it a perfunctory looks before hugging it to her chest. As she walks backs to the door, I can't help but follow her. How can this be the end? Nearly forty years out of both of our lives. Just like that.
Before we leave she says something to the room, to herself. I don’t know, but I don't catch it. She stands there for a full five minutes, it seems, as if she 's waiting for some answer that doesn't come.
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
I stuff my hand in my pockets and follow Abbey out to the Ellipse. She doesn't look at me the whole way there. The black limo idles outside the double doors. Lining the path to the car doors are the Senior Staff. I stop and wonder what they're doing here. Do they already know?
Abbey walks among them and they all take turns giving her hugs and whispered somethings that I can't hear. She spares them soft smiles. She stops at CJ last. They give each other a look and they both try to say something. They settle to just hug. They were always so close. I hope that doesn't have to end because of me. I'm so sorry for all of this Abbey. God, I'm sorry.
Nothin's wrong
Just as long as you
Know that someday I will
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know your wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know your wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I open my eyes, not remembering closing them to find myself inside car, next to Abbey. This is a big surprise as I don't remember getting in. I mean, why would let me ride with her to the plane. It makes no sense. But, really, what about this whole thing makes any kind of sense?
I see myself reaching out and touching her hand, only to have her withdraw it and turn slightly towards the door. She presses her forehead to the window. I always thought that was one of the cutest things she's ever done.
After some interminable amount of time, the car stops and we get out. Just like always, the runway is lined with people, spectators. Except this time, they don't scream though there are a few camera flashes. They're all silent. Everyone is. It's unnatural, for these people(, vultures, Abbey called them once, )not to hound…hunt. Unnatural.
I open my eyes and we're back in the car. I don’t remember the flight. I'm guessing we're on the way to the farm. It's doesn't even look like Abbey's moved. I think she's asleep. I scooch over to her side of the car and push a tendril of hair away from her face. She mumbles, as is her way, and curls into herself more. I press a kiss to her temple. She snaps awake like a shot and looks around the car. Her eyes come to rest on me for a moment and then she closes them again. She turns away and starts to cry again.
The car slows down and the bustle outside grows to a clangor. Abbey sits up and dries her eyes. She adjusts her black dress and smoothes back her hair. Taking her compact out of her purse, she reapplies and further dries. With a deep breath and a 'Hail Mary,' she waits for the door to open.
I open my eyes again. This is starting to get old. We're standing in the cemetery. The Bartlet Cemetery. I look behind me to see massive assemblages of people being kept at bay by police and Secret Service agents.
I'm standing off to the right of the congregation. Abbey's sitting on the front row with the girls. The girls? The gi--Oh, God. The seven marines line up with their rifles and shoot off three consecutive shots each. Abbey flinches at each one. Oh, God. I remember what happened. I remember everything.
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know your wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
*FIRST FLASHBACK*
Before I could leave my seat, Abbey walked through the door. She spared a vague look in my direction, and sat on the bed with her back to me. She rested her head in her hands and whispered something to herself that I couldn't hear well enough to identify. I know what she said.
"Oh, God, Jed. I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry."
*END FIRST FLASHBACK*
*SECOND FLASHBACK*
Before we leave she said something to the room, to herself. I don’t know, but I didn't catch it. She stood there for a full five minutes, it seems, as if she was waiting for some answer that didn't come.
"This isn't right. It's not supposed to be this way. And you know it isn't. I demand that you come back to me. I mean it, Jed. Get your ass back here…this instant…Please."
Oh, Abbey.
*END SECOND FLASHBACK*
*THIRD FLASHBACK*
Abbey walked amongst them and they all took turns giving her hugs and whispering somethings in her ear. She spared them soft smiles.
"I'm so sorry, Mrs. B. If there's anything I can do--" She interrupted him.
"Can you bring Jed back?" Josh looked to the ground sadly.
"No, ma'am." She put a warm hand on his shoulder.
"Then, you've done all you could just by being here."
"Yes, ma'am." She gives him an appreciative kiss on the cheek.
"Mrs. Bartlet…I don't know what to say. Your husband…He…I. Ma'am, there are no words. His life was his legacy. And that's all I can say." She patted his face gently.
"That's sweet, Sam, but you're wrong…His love was his legacy. That is what he left you…That is what he left me…All of us."
"You said it right, ma'am."
"I know; I'm used to doing that."
"I bet ma'am." She stopped at CJ last. They gave each other a look and they both tried to say something. They settled to just hug.
"I'm gonna miss you, Abbey."
"Don't just miss me. Call me; come visit once of twice, you know, a month or a year. Or whatever. Don't be a stranger, Claudia Jean. I'm just a call away."
"Same here."
"I miss him so much, CJ. It's like my heart is trying so hard, but…It can't"
"I miss him too, Abbey. Maybe not as strongly, but yeah, I know the feeling. My heart is threatening to burst from my chest, as we speak."
"Yeah." Abbey just nodded. Her eyes were shining with tears.
*END THIRD FLASHBACK*
My God, I'm dead.
[solo]
How the hell we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
Abbey kneels on the ground with the Zoey to her right, Ellie to her left, and Liz behind her. Each of the girls take a handful of dirt and sprinkle it over my casket. I close my eyes at the thought. It's Abbey's turn. She scoops up the dirt in her hand. She holds it in her hand for a moment.
She blinks hard and shakes her head. Poising her hand over the hole, she readies to drop it. She gasps and her hand unclenches. The soil is carried away in a sudden gust of wind.
"Mom? Mom, are you okay?" Zoey catches her mother as she collapses to the side. "Ellie, what's happening? Is she okay?" Ellie checks her pulse and takes out a penlight. She is her mother's child.
"I don’t know. Mom? Mom, can you hear me? Mom, if you can hear me, blink once." Abbey's eyes continue their unending gaze. "Mom…Momma? She doesn't have a pulse. God, she doesn't have a pulse. Somebody, get me a doctor." Everyone looks at her. "Another doctor. I need help here." Ellie starts chest compressions and Zoey, being the only one in the area who knows CPR, does the life saving breaths.
They keep this up until the Secret Service can get another doctor and some medics in, but by then, I think it's too late. They charge up the defibrillator, but Ellie stops them.
"She's gone, let her go. Let her be with Daddy." That's the first time she's called me 'Daddy' in so many years.
Zoey start to so say something, but my attention is stolen by the most beautiful, ethereal being I have ever seen. Abbey looks both ways before she sees me.
"Jed."
"Yep." I rock back and forth on my heels. I can only wait for her to come to me. She stops in front of me. Her eyes are shining…I remember that shine, that love…for me.
I hope that same love can still be found in my eyes too. She reaches up and presses her hand to my cheek.
"You're here. I mean, I thought…What happened?" I grin at her confused look. I know the feeling.
"I died, Sweet Knees and so did you."
"Well, I knew you died, Jackass. And as for me…Wait, am I allowed to say that here?" I shrug. I'm doubting it, but who am I to enlighten her to the rules of the place. I don't even know them yet. "I'm dead?" I nod slowly.
"Yes. Very, as far as that scene is concerned. " I point to the huddle of people over her body.
"Don't sound so happy about it." I look down, shamefully.
"I'm sorry, but waiting gets lonely after a while."
"How long have you been here?"
"I don't know, Abbey. I just figured out I was dead today."
"Kind of slow on the uptake there, Jed." I stick my tongue out at her. She sticks hers right back.
"So, at least I didn't ask if we could curse on the way to Heaven…or wherever I'm going." She throws up her eyebrow at me.
"And you've got plans to vacation somewhere else? Because, where you go, I go. I'm never leaving your side again. Deal with it." That's fine with me.
"You wanna take another look before we go?" She stops, still looking at that very interesting light down that hall I don’t remember seeing before.
"No, they'll be all right. Come on, don't wanna keep the Man waiting."
"I don't know if I'm allowed, Abbey. After all I've done--"
"Have you asked God for forgiveness?" I look down. Hey, it's fog! Abbey catches my chin and forces me to look into her eyes.
"Yes." I'm not convinced that I've the right to do such a thing.
"Do you believe in the 'Apostles Creed'?"
"Yes." How Catholic am I?
"Have you forgiven yourself?" I open my mouth to speak, but say nothing.
"God forgives, Jed. You must forgive yourself. God loves; you must love yourself. You know I love you. And--You do know that don't you?" Her face is a mask of chagrin.
"No." I look down, a little ashamed.
"Well, I do and if you can stop with the self-deprecation I can spend eternity telling you so." Eternity sounds good to me.
" Eternity sound good." She grins. I've missed that smile.
She leans up and gives me the longest kiss I think we've shared in some years.
"Forgiven?" I smile. If it means spending eternity with her…I'll forgive just about anything. Even myself.
"Forgiven." I offer her my arm. " Shall we?" There's that smile again.
"We shall…Mr. President." She slips her arm into mine.
"I don't think so…That was before. How about Jed?" She rests her head onto my shoulder.
"Okay, Jed. I like that. Call me…Abigail. No one ever calls me that."
"Okay, Abigail. Wanna go out sometime?" She appears to think it over a bit. She's a ham.
"I think I do. Where to?" We're getting closer to the light at the end of the hall.
"We'll just have to see."
"Wherever you are babe, wherever you are." Into the light we go…Together…just like it should be.
Nothin's wrong
Just as long as you
Know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know your wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know your wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know your wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know your wondering when
