The Reaper Files By Emmylou
(Yes i know, i gave in to the first stupid title that came my way)
Rating; PG
Pairings; Mulder/Scully, probably George/Mason and maybe Roxy/Rube.
Summary; What happens when two FBI agents become reapers? An X-files/Dead Like Me crossover.
Archive; Sure, just keep my name and email attached.
Spoilers?; AU season seven of the X-files(very few spoilers), for the sake of the story, DLM is around 'The Bicycle Thief', but George never left Happy Time.
A/N- Don't worry if you've not seen the X-files, all will be explained.
*********
Chapter one- Coconut Gratings?
“You’re late.”
“Of course I am Rube; you were there when I died.” There were simultaneous groans as George plonked down in the closest seat. She was perched on the end of the booth which contained a stretched out Mason and Rube, but since the only other seat would mean clambering over Roxy’s lap, she decided to stay put.
“Where’s Daisy?” Rube continued hesitantly, obviously worried that George had a long string of morbid puns lined up. To the whole table’s relief, she shrugged.
“No clue, she got a book yesterday, something about rejuvenating your thingy cycle…”
“Ah, that would explain her mood yesterday.” Mason nodded soberly.
“Not menstrual cycle, some other one, something to do with beauty. She’s probably doing odd things with coconut gratings and moisturiser as we speak.”
Both men turned towards her in unison.
“Coconut gratings ?”
“Don’t ask, ‘cause I sure as shit don’t know. I only just escaped from her threat of a makeover with my un-life.” George turned towards the waitress. “Can I have some lemonade please? Thanks.”
“Well when you see her and whatever coconut products she’s mutilating, give her this. It’s not until tonight anyway.” Rube handed over two post-its to George.
“Don’ bother, I’m ‘ere.” A red-eyed, sniffling Daisy sank into a seat, forcing Roxy to move over. She was pale, and her skin was shiny as though she hadn’t thought to put on her make-up. Lank blonde hair sagged in defeat around her shoulders and she looked frail and tired in what seemed to be baggy jeans and an overlarge sweater. The group gaped at her less than perfect appearance.
“Are you sick Daisy?” Rube asked as she slumped her head into her arms. There was a weak shake of her head and a faint ‘no.’
“You get turned down for an audition?” Roxy asked. Again a ‘no’.
“Did you realise that coconuts are out of season?” This offered Mason a ‘huh?’ and then another ‘no’.
Daisy’s head wavered, as if under great weight, as it was lifted off the table.
“It’s worse.” She croaked. “I woke up this morning, and I just knew. Today is going to be my very last soul. Thank you.” She grabbed George’s lemonade out of the waitress’s hands and took a shaky sip.
“Oh come on, it could just have been a bad dream…probably nothing to worry about.” George tried to comfort while at the same time try to indicate that it was her drink.
“When a reaper is going to move on, the Powers that Be just pop it into their heads, you wake up knowing just like you’d know if it were your Birthday or Christmas.” Rube explained.
“It’d probably be a lot easier to write a letter really.” Roxy said.
Mason looked confused.
“Well, what’s so bad about it? You’ll be going to that big Oscars party in the sky.” He looked shocked as Daisy burst into really loud tears.
“But it’ll be so boring!” She sobbed. “I’d hate endless heaven or endless hell. I can’t stand things to stay still forever. That’s why I wanted to be an actress, thousands of different roles, of different adventures, but now I’ll never even get the chance!” She took a large, unladylike gulp of the lemonade, much to George’s un-amusement.
“Now Daisy.” Rube comforted. “I promise, the whole point of heaven is for you to be happy, and I’m sure that whatever makes you happy, you’ll get.”
“Really?” Every other reaper nodded, and she risked a watery smile. “Well, who’s my last soul to be?”
Rube leaned over and picked up Daisy’s post-it from George.
“D. K. Scully.” He said
********
Surprisingly Roxy had taken a day of work, George had followed suit, both seemed to want to spend some time with Daisy, although she was sure that Roxy would never admit it.
In the end they had gone shopping, then on to get their hair and nails done. Daisy had insisted that she should at least make the effort to look presentable; after all, this was her last day on earth.
They had talked, speculated on what Daisy’s heaven would be like, and got along for just about the first time ever. It had started out awkwardly, everyone trying to be careful not to upset each other, but in the end Daisy had flared Roxy’s temper and for ten horrific seconds George had been sure that an all out cat-fight would break out in the changing rooms. Soon they had laughed it off though, and they had gone back to their normal state of comfortable bickering.
By the end of the day, each done up in their newly bought finery, they sat in a classy bar, drinking and talking.
“Sooo…I think that in my heaven, there will be…? I dunno, true love? What do you think?” Daisy gave a hiccup that classed her as teetering towards drunk. “Whoo, I better slow down on the wine, otherwise I’ll not get as far as the street, let alone manage to take a soul.” She giggled. “So, what do you think my replacement will be like? If anyone could ever replace me…”
“It would be extremely difficult.” Roxy nodded sagely, managing to keep a strait face for all of five seconds.
“Where are they going to die? That’ll give us a clue.” George gestured towards the piece of yellow paper which had been stuck to Daisy’s blouse in the same way a mother might pin a handkerchief to a child’s jumper.
“Ugh, city morgue.”
“Very convenient.” George smiled. “Very little clean up work.”
“Okay, so if it’s a morgue, were guessing coroner?” Roxy looked thoughtful.
“Probably male, middle aged.” Daisy nodded authoritively.
“At least they won’t have a problem with the dead bodies part.” George said, to the tipsy giggles of the other two.
“That’s true, they seem like a very convenient person, dieing where they won’t make a mess, having a job that’ll make reaping easier.” Daisy took one last savouring swig of her wine, before standing up and only just managing to keep her balance.
“Well, toodles, it was nice knowing you, but now I really have places to be. Thanks for the help today. Roxy, I did like you, very deep down. Um, Georgia, I know you never used my eye cream, and I’m sorry for bossing you about.” They each stood up slowly, giving Daisy a last(and first) hug.
“Anythin’ you want us to tell Mason or Rube?”
“I’m seeing Rube now, but, um, tell Mason, to stop focusing on me, and start focusing on Georgia, and um, that I know, deep down, that he isn’t the moron he makes out to be.”
And with that she tottered out.
*********
“Have you been drinking?” Rube demanded.
“Yep!” Daisy latched onto his arm for support. “So what the plan?”
“Same as usual, we go in there, we take the souls.” She stared thoughtfully at his own post-it.
“You got one too?”
“Yes. F. W. Mulder.” He held open the door for her, then moved up to the reception.
“Can we speak with F. Mulder please? We’re from the health and safety.” He seemed to be trying to shield a swaying Daisy from view and gave an apologetic smile as the reaper began yanking at the pen attached to the desk.
“Just down that hallway on your left sir, room 2. We’re getting lots of exciting people here tonight.” The young clerk waved them away.
“Thank you.” Called Rube, already halfway towards the door, and dragging Daisy after him.
Rube peered through the glass pane in the door at the sterilized room and the two people in it. There was a young woman, red hair tied back in a ponytail, she was wearing a mask, apron, and surgical cloves. The man was a bit further away from the body that she was, he was tall, and brunette, seeming to be in his mid thirties. He wore a classy suit, and from what Rube could see, so did the woman.
He looked at his watch. (10.05, the couple weren’t scheduled to die till 10.13 pm)
He knocked politely on the door, opening when the muffled conversation stopped.
“Good evening, sorry to bother you, but I’m the…” He looked at the dead body “…man’s father, this is his sister.” He said, pointing at Daisy who was staring glassy eyed in the direction of Mulder.
“I’m sorry, Mr…Kilheligan was it and…”
“Daisy, Daisy Adair.” She shook Mulder’s hand giving what she seemed to think was a cross between a mournful look and a flirtacious one.
“Well, Mr Kilheligan and Ms. Adair, we were under the impression that you’d been notified. You are aware that your relative was the lead suspect in our murder case?” If this answer phased Rube at all, he didn’t show it.
“Yes, that’s why were here, we feel it our duty to watch the autopsy. Right or wrong, he was family, this is our final duty as family members.”
“I’m sorry sir, but we can’t allow for family members to be present, it’s the policy I’m afraid.” Scully spoke as soothingly as possible, while still remaining firm.
“Policy?!” Rube burst out. “Now see here Ms…”
“Scully”
“…Scully, my wife…Roxy is at home, sick to her head with grief and with no way to cure it, and now you rob me of the only way I can heal?”
“I’m sure that we don’t mean to upset you any further sir, but surely you won’t find this thereputic?”
“We’re morticians, seeing the body laid to rest is how we heal. Please!” He said, seemingly grasping Mulder’s hand in desperation and popping his soul.
“I’m afraid I have to ask you to leave sir, you’re welcome to wait outside if you prefer.” Mulder steered them both towards the door, but Daisy dived towards Scully and shook her hand.
“I’m sorry about my…father, he can get a little emotional.” Scully’s wrist glowed just above the glove as her soul left the body.
As soon as they left the room they turned to the window and peered through the blinds at the unusual couple about to die.
“Why do we have to do this now anyway?” Scully’s voice filtered through the closed-to door.
“Because the other coroner might miss something, like he did the first time.”
“Still, it could have waited till tomorrow…”
From what they could see, Scully had a scalpel in one hand, poised over the corpse as she argued with her partner.
Rube glanced at his watch again; 10.12.
It happened extremely quickly. Rube and Daisy were the first to notice the seemingly dead body twitch, heard the to surprised yelps as the scalpel was snatched out of the female coroners hand, and then the thuds as a pair of bodies fell to the floor.
A naked and seemingly furious man dived into the hallway, kicked open the fire escape door, and ran out into the street.
Daisy and Rube didn’t even notice until they turned and saw the lights.
“So,” Rube turned to her softly. “You figured it out then.”
Daisy smiled at the large number of doors that had appeared, apparently going on forever.
“Yes. I wanted the chance to be the real heroine for once, instead of just the actress playing her, to find my real soul mate instead of my millionth leading man. Goodbye Rube. Send Ms. Scully my best wishes.”
And with than she opened the first door and waltzed in.
***********
The lights sparkled and glittered as they left, leaving Rube blinking ad trying not to focus on the blinding ordinariness that was left behind in the wake of the lightshow. It wouldn’t be Daisy if she didn’t truly sparkle the day she moved on. But Rube knew that there was no sense mourning the past; he had a new reaper to take care of now.
The door to the morgue had not been shut after being thrown open by the crazed not-so-dead man. He entered the room unheard by the bickering dead couple.
“Mulder, don’t be ridiculous, we are not dead.” Scully was turned away from the dead bodies, her un-squeamishness when it came to the dead didn’t seem to extend to seeing her own dead self lying in a pool of blood. Mulder, however, seemed totally fascinated and could barely keep his eyes off them.
“No offence Scully, but right there are two versions of us proving you wrong. You can’t say I don’t have proof this time.”
“Exactly Mulder, those are versions of us, but they’re not us. We’re us.” Rube could see that they were both getting ready for a disagreement of epic proportions and decided to put a stop to it.
Rube coughed politely “Excuse me?”
Both agents turned to look at him. Mulder looked suspicious while Scully looked relieved.
“Mr. Kilheligan, could you please tell my partner that you can see us and that we are not dead.”
Rube looked from one to the other, seemingly sizing them both up. The woman, Ms. Scully, was petite with short red hair, the mask she had been sporting when Rube had first stepped in had been removed and she seemed to be loosening the spiritual counterpart of the plastic apron, this one cleaner than the real one which was still on her copse and covered in blood.
Mr. Mulder was a tall brunette man in his late thirties, like his partner he had been wearing a business suit when he died, although he hadn’t donned a mask or apron like her.
“I can see you, don’t worry about that.” He told her, remaining absolutely truthful.
“Exactly, see Mulder this was obviously just some sort of prank…”
“A very elaborate prank don’t you think, and for what? A few seconds existential crisis?”
“However…” Rube continued “…You are dead.” At their looks, Scully’s disbelieving, Mulder’s rather worried now that it had been confirmed, he added “Sorry ‘bout that.”
“Mulder, you don’t believe this do you? This obviously has something to do with Laszlo Pharmaceutical, that fake corpse must have been a ruse to get us here…”
Rube had had enough, he wanted to get out of there before people started asking questions, to get Mr. Mulder to move on, and to start training his newest reaper. All this would move a lot faster if said new employee would hurry up and accept that she was dead.
“Ms. Scully? Go and pick up that scalpel please.” She did as she was told seemingly on automatic, Rube would have paid money to see her face as her had passed straight through the metal tray.
“Oookaay” Was all he heard as she turned back to face him, now even more suspicious.
There was a few seconds of stunned silence, at least, until Mulder started testing out his own morphic status on the surroundings.
“Ow. Mulder, what did you poke me for?”
“To see whether you were solid.” Rube heard clattering coming from the hallway and decided to get a move on.
“Please follow me.”
More soon!
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