Written: June 5, 2005
Spoilers: None; post-Chosen.
Summary: Faith wonders if her walls will ruin her comfortable but new relationship with Buffy. Post-Chosen, AU.
I've heard it though the grapevine that I can be pretty hard to deal with sometimes. I put up too many walls, and I'm too closed off, and I don't put my guard down long enough for people to get to know me.
Well, duh. Like I didn't already know that.
There's a reason for everything.
First off, I don't like people getting too close to me. The more they know, the more they can hurt me. I don't need to worry about all the time. Distance is a good thing.
Secondly, people don't need to get all up in my business. I'm a big fucking girl; I can handle my own shit. I don't need charity, and I don't need people to hold on to me and guide me through life.
Third, and last . . . if I let people get close enough, they're gonna see the real me. Kinda fragile, kinda lost, kinda needy, and just craving the love and attention that I never got in my life.
It's that last reason that really keeps me closed off. You see . . . I don't like the person that I am under all these layers of bravado and arrogance. If people get to see that Faith, well . . . I'm afraid that they ain't gonna want to be around this Faith either.
You think I maybe have a slight case of 'fear of abandonment'. Haha, yeah . . . I though so, too.
Ever since we closed the Hellmouth and moved to LA, the Scoobies have all been going through a phase where they wanna get up in my business and get to know me. Why? Well, that's easy. It's cos me and B started seeing each other pretty much right after we all recovered from the big battle.
I was her roomie, she was my roomie, we were both horny . . . and hey, things happened. Don't get me wrong . . . I don't regret a single minute of it. Life with B is good. We take things one day at a time, and we really don't have any high expectations at the moment. We're just enjoying each other's company. It's good. It works.
In fact, it's fucking great. We go for walks. We hold hands. We lay on the couch and watch TV together. We can have great little conversations about absolutely nothing. We laugh. We smile. We fuck. We make love. We have it all.
And yunno what's really great? Sometimes, we don't have to say anything at all. A simple glance, a light touch . . . it's all that we need. It's perfectly comfortable, and comforting. I never thought something this good could exist.
And then there are the Scoobs. They're always trying to get into my head, and it's starting to make me a little nutty. If somebody asks me about my former family life one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the top of a building. Or maybe throw them off of the building instead.
But I think I've started putting the puzzle pieces together though. See, B never asks me about my past. She never asks about life before Sunnydale, or what it was like in prison, or any shit like that.
Wait, I take that back. One time when we were walking down the street and passed a pet store, she asked me if I ever had any pets growing up. Of course, I fucking stiffened up and let the walls raise a bit. What was I supposed to tell her? 'Yeah, I had a golden retriever named Comet, B, and I loved him like he was one of the family, and he died from eating my mom's stash of crack, which, incidentally, I got the shit beat out of me for'.
When B felt me tense up, she just laced her fingers through mine and kissed my hand before leading me away in silence. She didn't press on or anything; she just let the whole thing blow over. I think she understood.
She's too good for me. I know this. But, I love the girl, and I'm not letting her get away.
Anyhow, like I said, I think I'm starting to understand the Scoobies' relentless questioning now. They're not asking me because they care. Fuck, maybe they do care. But, what I think is happening is . . . they're asking me so that they can pass it on to B. She's afraid to ask me cos she doesn't wanna push me away, and cos she doesn't want to add the drama to our relationship.
I respect that. A lot. More than I can say.
I try not to let the Scoobs piss me off. I don't really give them straight-forward answers. Shit, if I did, they'd probably ask question after question. Then bodies would get tossed off of roofs. I just give them tidbits to make them back off for awhile.
Anyhow, it's been starting to bother me a bit more lately. Frustrating, yeah, but even more . . . things are going good with B. I don't want her to feel like she can't ask me stuff. Granted, I might not answer her all the time, but . . . we're at a point in our relationship where I don't want her to be afraid of pushing me away. She couldn't at this point. I'm far too much in love with her to ever walk away over something so stupid.
I love the comfortable silence that we share. I feel at peace when we're able to communicate without words. But, I don't want to be feeling all at peace while she's riddled with questions and lingering thoughts. I want her to be at peace, too.
The whole scenario has been playing over and over in my mind lately, distracting me a bit from daily life. It must show, cos I suddenly feel a little tap on my forehead as I'm laying on top of B, wrapped up with her as we watch TV.
I lift up my head a bit and look into her eyes.
"What's going on in there?" she asks softly as she lets her fingertips run across my forehead before placing a soft kiss on it.
"Nothin', B." I mumble out before giving her a tiny smile and kissing the tip of her nose.
"Something," she responds just as softly as before, bringing her hands up to hold the side of my face. She runs her thumbs over my cheeks as she gazes into my eyes with such . . . love.
I can feel how much she loves me. My heart is beating fast, and so is hers. She makes me feel safe . . . and loved. That's more than I've ever gotten from anyone in my life. I want her to know that.
Before I can say anything, she speaks softly again.
"Baby . . . you know that I'm always here for you, right? You don't have to tell me anything, but . . . I'm always here to listen."
She gives me the sweetest little kiss on my lips, and my heart melts.
"But . . . the Scoobs . . . they always . . . yunno. They . . ."
". . . are just being nosey," she cuts me off.
I feel kinda like an ass. I don't want to be so cut off from B.
"I'll tell you anything you wanna know," I mumble out, lowering my eyes from hers. This is it . . . she's gonna get to see who I really am. This could break what we have together. But . . . at least I'll be able to rest assured in the fact that I really opened myself up to her.
The awkwardness slips away when I feel her hands raise my face gently back up so that I'm looking directly into her eyes.
"Thank you," she responds. "I know you will. We have all the time in the world, baby." And she gives me another soft kiss on my lips.
Yunno what? She really understands me. She's gonna let me do this on my own time, and . . . I dunno. It makes me love her even more for being so patient and understanding with me.
My heart flutters as she kisses my lips, and I can't help but start to kiss her a little deeper. I've never felt anything better than the way her lips feel on mine; the way our bodies fit perfectly as if we were made for one another.
I flick my tongue gently over the middle of her top lip and, as if she was reading my mind, she parts her lips to allow me to kiss her deeper. I gently slide my tongue into her mouth, loving the soft wet slide of our tongues together as she groans softly into my mouth. Her groan spurs me on, and I lightly suck on her tongue before pulling back a bit to nibble on her bottom lip.
We've spent hours before just kissing. It's one of our favorite pastimes. I know what she likes, and she knows exactly what I need and when I need it.
And right now, she knows that I need more than a kiss from her lips; she knows that I need to feel every inch of her skin, soft and warm against me. She knows that I need to feel this connection that we have between us. She knows that I just need her to let me love her.
She doesn't put up a fight as my lips leave hers, kissing along her jaw down to her neck. Anticipating me, she tilts her head back to the side a bit so I can kiss and suck along her neck, tasting her skin and being completely wrapped up in her soft, gentle scent.
I move my hands down along her sides, letting my fingertips slip just under the hem of her cotton shirt. I smile inwardly as she lifts her back off the couch just enough for me to lift her shirt easily over her head. She really does know how to anticipate me.
Her fingers wrap around my upper arms as I kiss down her chest, placing a soft kiss over her heart before unsnapping the front clasp on her bra and pushing it to the sides. Her stiff pink nipples become even harder as they are exposed to the air. My mouth waters as I kiss around them, wanting so much to have my lips pressed around them. I gently flick my tongue over one, getting it nice and wet before closing my lips around it and sucking gently.
She loves when I lick and suck on her nipples, but she likes it even more when I nibble on them gently. Before I pull away, I make sure to run my teeth gently over it, nibbling softly before flicking my tongue over the hard nub again.
I place one last kiss on her nipple before starting to kiss down her stomach, feeling only the slightest resistance from her as she holds my upper arms.
I know what she wants. She want me to kiss her nipples more . . . to lick and suck and nibble on them so that she can feel my warm breath against her skin. But I need more . . . I need to kiss her everywhere else first. Slowly, she loosens her grip on my arms and sighs happily as I kiss my way down her stomach.
I get to the top of her pants and I can already smell how wet she is through them. Fuck, I'd be able to tell that smell from a block away.
I sit up on my knees between her legs, slipping my fingers under the top of her pants at the hips so that I can pull them off of her. I tug gently, and she very courteously lifts her hips up so that I can get them off with ease. Just to save her the hassle of having to lift up again . . . I make sure to pull her panties down along with her pants.
Yunno. Cos I'm considerate and all that.
And impatient, but you already knew that.
I toss her pants to the floor and just sit and breathe hard as I gaze down upon her perfect, hairless little pussy. She's so beautiful. I can see her wetness covering her pussy, and suddenly my mouth is watering again. I can't wait to taste her; she is the sweetest thing that I've ever tasted in this world.
I smile down at her as I lift her feet up onto my shoulders, kissing my way up her legs from the inside of her ankles to the tops of her toned thighs. I let her legs slide across my shoulders as I lean in closer to her pussy. Instinctively, she wraps her legs over my shoulders and around my back, pulling me as close to her as she can in this position.
The way she smells is overpowering me. I feel like I can't move . . . like I can barely breathe as she lays before me, totally exposed and totally trusting me. I feel her hand come down and touch the side of my face, giving me the last bit of assurance that I need; that lets me know that she's completely with me in this.
Smiling up at her, I take my eyes from hers only for a second so I can turn my face and kiss the palm of her hand before resting my face against it. I'm totally hers, as much as she is mine. Completely. We both feel it without saying a single word.
She lets her fingertips push into the side of my hair as I lower my head the last few inches to her wet pussy, letting my tongue sneak out to taste her juices. I can't help the groan that escapes from my lips. She tastes so good, and she's so soft against my tongue. This is heaven.
I sneak my tongue out further, lapping up the silky wetness that is covering her pussy. I'd try to completely clean her off like this, but a whole new stream of wetness starts to drip out of her hot wet cunt. I can't get enough of her. I want to have my tongue, my lips, my face completely covered in her wetness. I want her to come in my mouth, and I want to drink back every last drop.
Slowly, I run my tongue flat up against her slit, flicking only once over her engorged clit before sliding my tongue back down her slit and into the source of her wetness. Her pussy is hot and tight around my tongue as I make it as stiff as I can and thrust it into her. I push it into her as deep as I can, my face completely buried against her. It's a wonder I don't suffocate myself, but fuck that . . . I don't need to breathe. I can breathe after I'm dead.
Or, well . . . actually . . . aw, fuck it. You know what I mean.
I start to build up a steady rhythm, thrusting my tongue deep inside her hot pussy. Her wetness is seeping out and all over me, covering my tongue and chin. It's a fucking amazing feeling. I can feel her starting to grind against my face, and I know she needs something more.
Like I said . . . we can communicate without words.
My right arm hooks over her thigh so that I can rub my fingers over her clit. I press down gently at first, then a little bit harder as I feel her start to move more against my mouth.
Her breathing is coming out in rough bursts, and I know that she's pretty close. She's tryin to hold back for me now. She knows what I need.
I wriggle my tongue inside of her, trying to fill her up as much as I can. Her wetness is seeping out of her steadily, completely covering my face and my fingers now too.
"Faith, baby . . . I'm so close, I'm gonna . . ." she breathes out. It's my warning. The flags are being waved. This is the last lap, race fans.
I move my fingers away from her clit and wrap them around both of her thighs as I slip my tongue out of her pussy and up to her clit. I run my tongue flat against it, adding just the perfect pressure to make her grind hard and quick against it.
"Unghh," she groans out as she starts to come.
That's right . . . B's a grunter. I finally learned the truth after all these years of her denying the fact.
She starts to shake beneath me, so I wrap my lips around her clit and start to suck on it. Not too hard . . . I don't want her to come too hard. Not right now. We can save that for an hour later when we're in bed together. Right now I need her to come for me, softly even, in my mouth as I flick over her clit with my tongue. I need this from her. Feeling her give up that little bit of control to me . . . it makes me feel like she can really just let go with me, and let me be her strength. Even if just for a moment.
I keep sucking lightly on her clit as she comes with my mouth on her, letting her ride out her orgasm with a series of deep breaths. Her face is so fucking sexy when she comes . . . I could watch that a million times and never get tired of it.
Her legs unclamp from my head as she releases a deep breath. Fuck, I don't even remember them clamping on to me. I was as lost in the moment as she was. Her thighs fall apart slightly as she relaxes, allowing me ample room and opportunity to lap up her cum. I run my tongue through her folds until I've lapped up every last bit, then I place a kiss on the inside of both of her thighs before sliding up her body.
I reach my arms up on the back of the couch and pull the blanket down over us. I'm wicked hot cos I'm still fully clothed, and she's all hot and sweaty from just coming, but she always plays like she's cold afterwards. I think it's just cos she wants me to cuddle with her, but . . . fuck, I'd hold her and cuddle her anyways.
Sighing happily, I bury myself against her chest and close my eyes, listening to her heart beat. She's told me before that it beats just for me. I'm thinking it's more a necessity to keep her alive kinda thing, but I understand the sentiment behind her words. I feel the same way.
We don't say anything . . . we just lay in silence as she catches her breath. Even if we did speak . . . I don't think there are really words to express how we're feeling. I'm hers, and she's mine. Unconditionally. We understand each other more than I could ever hope for.
Sometimes . . . the best things are said when you say nothing at all.
"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart,
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,
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