I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star,
In somebody else's sky,
But why can't it be in mine? -- Pearl Jam, “Black”
If you asked me back then what it all meant, I wouldn’t have been able to tell ya. But I could’ve told you exactly how and when it all started.
So here goes nothin'.
I had been in Sunnydale for about a month or two. It wasn’t really ‘home’, but it was the only place that had come close to it in a while.
I was really excited when I had first arrived cuz I knew that I was gonna meet this ‘one girl in all the world’ who was exactly like me. However, much to my disappointment, I found that the only thing we shared in common was the unique ability to kick major ass and a weird Slayer bond.
Actually, the Slayer bond wasn’t so much weird as . . . comforting. We had discovered that we were both feelin’ it while we were patrolling together one night. It was a warm tingle that ran from the top of my head down to the tips of my boot-clad toes. When we weren’t around each other, I didn’t feel it. When we were in the same area, it would gently start up, just givin’ me the slightest indication that she was around. A ‘biological honing device’, we called it.
But when we were standing right next to each other or if we accidentally touched during patrol, the Slayer bond was off the hook! Warm-fuzzies turned into somethin' much more intense. The ‘inner poet’ in me wants to say somethin' like ‘liquid-fire’ or ‘electric current’ running through my veins, but both you and I know I’m not a poet, so I’ll just say that it was wicked hot.
Sorry. Got a little off topic there. I’ve been told that I don’t have the biggest attention span, so you’ll have to put up with my ramblin’ every now and then.
Anyhow, so I had been in SunnyD for about a month. B and I would do our nightly patrol, y’know, makin’ small talk and kickin’ un-dead ass when the need be. I wouldn’t say that we were close, but . . . that Slayer bond did make us feel kinda attached to one another. Y’know: the comfort factor.
So, this one night, I could tell that things were kinda off with her. She was unreasonably quiet, her reaction time was hella slow, and it seemed like her mind was off somewhere on another planet.
And I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like she had been cryin'.
I later found out that she was all upset cuz Angel had come back and things were really weird for them or somethin', but I’ll get to that part later.
Part of me wanted to ask her what was wrong, but it really wasn’t any of my business. She had Red to do the ‘friend’ thing for her. Besides, I know that when I cry, I definitely don’t like people gettin’ up in my face and askin’ me what’s wrong and all that shit.
I know what you’re thinkin’, and yes, I do cry. I just don’t do it too often, and when I do, I don’t let NO ONE know about it. Cuz, y’know, once you let down your walls, you leave yourself open for attack.
B once told me that the ‘lettin’ down my walls’ thing was my inner-Slayer talkin’, but I think she’s wrong. It’s not the Slayer that’s tells me how to feel and how to protect myself from the non-physical type of hurt; it’s the human in me that does that. The only thing I let the Slayer inside tell me is ‘go kick that’ or ‘go punch that’ or even ‘look down that dark alley’. The Slayer doesn’t rule my life; I do. I’m the boss of me.
So anyways, we were walkin’ through this one cemetery, not really talkin’ or sayin’ much to one another, when all of the sudden this vamp came barrelin' out of nowhere and completely knocked B off of her feet. She just kinda lay still where she fell, so I was thinkin’ right away that she was hurt pretty bad.
I let my inner-Slayer take control at that point. I went after the vamp, pourin’ all of my hate and anger into him for injuring my sister-Slayer. No vamp was gonna hurt one of us and live to tell the tale. Not now, not ever.
After a short and rough fight, the vamp was dust and I instantly found myself kneelin’ at B’s side, frantically checkin’ her over.
“B? Buffy? Are you okay?”
My frantic search for injuries over her body stopped when I gazed upon her face and saw tears streaming down her cheeks. She wasn’t injured . . . but she was hurting. I didn’t really know what to do. I’m not really good with words, and I definitely didn’t think that it was ‘sexual healing’ that she needed, so I offered her that only other thing I had to offer: the comfort of the Slayer bond.
I grabbed one of her hands and pulled her up into a semi-sitting position, cradling her against my body. She must’ve realized that I wasn’t gonna judge her and that I wasn’t even gonna ask her what was wrong, cuz she suddenly buried her face in my chest and began sobbing in my arms, completely lettin’ go of her pent up emotions.
I didn’t say anything. I just held her against me and rocked slightly, occasionally smoothing my hand down the back of her hair.
I think that part of me was expectin’ her to push me away, so I guess you can imagine my surprise when an hour had passed and we were still sittin’ like that. She had stopped cryin’ about five minutes after I had taken in my arms, but she made no effort to move, so neither did I.
Sure, my legs had fallen asleep, my ass was sore from sittin’ on the hard ground, I was mad hungry, and I had to piss like a fuckin racehorse, but I wasn’t gonna interrupt our little bonding session. Besides the occasional post-slayage screw with some random joe, it was the first physical human contact that I’d had in a long time.
It was comforting.
After about an hour, I finally felt her start to move a little in my arms.
I heard her sniffle a few times before she finally looked up, paralyzing me with her emerald-green eyes still wet with unshed tears.
“Thanks.” She said quietly as she looked into my eyes. It looked like she wanted to say somethin' more or like she was waiting for me to do or say somethin', so I did.
“Anytime.” I said gently, looking her directly in the eye so that she knew I was bein' honest with her.
I couldn’t explain it then, but sittin’ there and lookin’ at her after our hour spent together, I felt bizarrely closer to her. I knew that if she ever needed a shoulder to cry on again, I would definitely be there for her.
Actually, I think it was more for selfish reasons that I knew that I’d be there for her. It was simple really: I didn’t want anyone else to get as close to her as I had just been. It felt special, and I wanted it to be just for her and me.
After another moment or two had passed, we had both stood up and began walking’ out of the cemetery. Patrol was over for the night, but I wasn’t ready to let her out of my sight just yet. Not when she was leavin’ herself open to attack like earlier. So, I didn’t ask her, but I walked her all the way to her house nonetheless. She didn’t question, so she must’ve understood my intentions.
Either we didn’t notice or we didn’t care, but somehow during the walk our hands had interlaced, and we walked like that all the way to her house.
When we finally got to her destination, I stood at the bottom of the porch stairs and watched her walk up towards the door. She stood before the door for a few moments, completely still. I couldn’t tell what was goin’ on cuz her back was turned towards me, so I just kept waitin’ for her to go inside.
But she didn’t go inside. Not right away, anyways.
Instead, she turned around slowly and walked down the stairs to stand next to me. I certainly wasn’t expectin’ it, but I suddenly felt her arms around me in a tight hug.
I’m not gonna lie: it felt damn good. I could feel her heart beatin’ against my chest, and the warm-fuzzies of the Slayer bond were about 10 times stronger like this. It all felt kinda surreal.
Halfway into the hug, I realize that I hadn’t yet responded, so I carefully raised up my arms and wrapped them around B’s back, holding her protectively against me.
I felt it then for the first time . . . something tuggin’ at my heartstrings. But I completely dismissed it, attributing the all-too-new feelin’ in my heart to the Slayer bond.
I don’t know exactly how long we stood like that but it had to have been quite a while, cuz I watched the same strange-shaped cloud travel all the way across the night sky. When I finally felt B stir a little, I realized that our ‘moment’ was over, so I slowly loosened my grip around her and dropped my arms to my side.
I felt her take a step back, but she still didn’t say a word. She just looked up into my eyes and gave me one of the warmest smiles I’ve ever seen. She took my hand and gave it a little squeeze before retreatin’ up the porch stairs and into the house.
A few minutes passed and I found that I was still standin’ in the exact spot where she had left me. I felt cold without her next to me. My heart ached a little bit, which I found kinda unusual.
Then, something hit me like a brick. It wasn’t the Slayer bond that I was missing . . . it was the Slayer herself. I realized it then and there that I had some kind of feelings for the small blonde . . . maybe like, maybe lust, and yes, maybe even love.
But I would never admit it. In my life, I had learned that love was a weakness, and as a Slayer, I learned that a weakness could get you hurt or killed.
So I bottled up my feelings. I’d be there again if B needed me. I’d never take that away from her, and I wouldn’t take it away from myself either. Sometimes a person needs a little human contact or human touch just to get through the day. But I’d never let her know how I felt.
I’d never let my walls down. I’d never let myself get hurt.
The next night, it was bout 9:00, and I was set to meet B for patrol at about 9:30. Normally, we’d just meet up at the first cemetery, but I was still worried about her. What if she was still unfocused and a vamp got to her before she got to the cemetery? I couldn’t let that happen, so I left my motel room early and walked to her house, deciding to be her ‘personal escort’ for the night.
Before I had even walked up the cement walkway leading to her house, I started to feel the warm buzz in my body, indicating that she was close. As I approached her front porch, I glanced up at her bedroom window and saw that the light was still on. Realizin’ that it would probably be a few minutes before she left to meet me, I decided to cop a squat on the porch steps and wait for her.
She must’ve felt my presence too, cuz I suddenly heard her bedroom window open and her voice calling out into the darkness of the night.
I couldn’t help the smile that crept up on my face.
I stood up from my place on the steps and walked to the base of the tree that was in front of her window.
“Yeah, it’s me, B.”
“What are you doing here?” She didn’t sound mad or anything, just generally confused.
“I was in the neighborhood. Thought we could walk together rather than meet up later.” I didn’t want her to think that I was worryin’ about her. I wanted her to think that last night wasn’t a big deal so that she wouldn’t be afraid to do it again.
“Uh-huh.” She said disbelievingly, a small smile playing across her lips.
I smiled back.
“So, are ya comin’ down already, or are ya gonna make me wait out here alone all night long?” I asked playfully, earnin’ another smile from her.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep your pants on. I’ll be down in a second.” She replied back just as playfully, closing the window after she spoke.
I made my way back over to the porch steps and sat down again.
Keep my pants on? Hmphh. Guess I’ll have to put that whole ‘sexual healing’ thing on the back burner for now. I keep forgettin’ that B’s straighter than an arrow, and I keep forgettin’ that I’m not s’posed to like her like that anyway.
I’ll just have to settle for the warm fuzzies. On her terms, of course.
After a few minutes passed, I heard the door open behind me. I turned around to see Buffy standin’ there, lookin’ all cute in her low-rise blue jeans and dark gray sweater, her hair swept up into a loose clip so that some of it fell around her face . . .
Sorry, gettin’ off topic once again.
Anyways, she looked cute. I stood up and faced her, suddenly feelin’ kind of awkward. I think she must’ve felt it too, cuz she dropped her head down and started staring at her feet.
“Umm, you ready to get this slayin’ party on, B?” I asked, just wantin’ to break the silence.
“Sure.” She answered quietly, and we began to walk in the direction of the first cemetery of the night.
I couldn’t help but think, ‘Oh joy, another painfully silent patrol’, but then I remembered that yesterday’s patrol started the same way, and it ended up bein’ a pretty good night for me.
As we turned the street corner, I felt her hand brush up against mine. I shivered a little at the sensation, but I realized that it probably happened cuz I was walkin’ too close to her. I went to take a step away but before I could, I felt her hand sneak into mine. I’m not one to kick a gift-horse in the mouth, so I wrapped my hand around hers, relishing in the feel of the warm fuzzies of our Slayer bond.
We spent the rest of the night like that, hand in hand as we patrolled across the cemeteries of Sunnydale. Of course, we’d let go whenever we had to fight, but as soon as the fight was over, our hands instinctively latched onto one another again.
And it was nice. It felt safe.
After we had finished our sweep of the last cemetery, we began to make our way back to B’s house. Along the way, we passed this big, run-down mansion. She stopped and glanced at it with a far-off look, and she actually took a step forward towards it. Only when she realized that she was still attached to my hand did she come back to reality.
“Sorry.” She said, startin’ to walk with me again.
“No problem.” I responded. Then I noticed that she looked lost again like she had the night before. It had somethin’ to do with the mansion. So, I casually brought it up.
“You know that place?” I asked, noddin’ over my shoulder in the direction of the mansion.
“Yeah.” She answered quietly, not lookin’ back at it.
“Is that what made you sad all of the sudden?” I asked, not knowin’ why I was diggin’ into her problems.
She nodded her head a little, but looked like she was deep in thought. I wasn’t gonna press it any further, so I just kept walkin’ in silence.
A few minutes passed before I heard B speak again.
“Giles told you about Angel, right?” She asked quietly.
Shit. So that’s what she’s been sad about. G-man told me that before I moved here, B had to kill the love of her live to save the world. He told me about Angel, the vampire with a soul. He also told me that he had tried to kill all of her friends after a night of bliss.
“Yeah, a little.” I answered flatly. Didn’t want her to think I knew too much. The something dawned on me. “Ohhh. That was his mansion, right?” I asked.
She took a deep breath, and I could hear it shake as it escaped her lips.
“No, it wasn’t his mansion, it is his mansion.”
‘As in now?’ I thought.
“As in now?” I asked, surprised.
She stopped walkin’ and turned to face me, so I mirrored her actions. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes again, and my heart just about broke for her.
“As in now.” She said quietly. “Angel’s back.” She managed to squeak out before beginning to sob again. I didn’t have to pull her to me this time. She just came flying into my arms, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I wrapped my arms around her in return, holding her tightly as if tryin’ to stop her sobs from shakin’ her body so roughly.
“I killed him . . . but he came back, I don’t know how . . . I think he was in hell or something . . . he was acting like an animal when I first found him, and I didn’t know what to do . . . I couldn’t tell my friends, they’d want to kill him, and I couldn’t let them do that . . . and now he’s better, but I still don’t know what to do . . . I love him so much, but too much has happened . . . we can never be together . . . I hate lying to my friends . . . and it all just hurts so bad.” She choked out between sobs.
Again, I just listened. What was I supposed to say? She needed to unload, and I was gonna be there for her, just like I told myself I would be.
I walked us backwards into a little wooded area nearby and I sat us down so that my back was restin’ against a big tree. Again, I held her close to me, heart to heart this time. I whispered soft ‘shhhs’ to her and ran my hands up and down her back until I felt her calm down. I was hoping that the feelin’ from the Slayer bond would work its magic on her cuz she definitely needed a little break from all of her pain.
Again, we sat there for over an hour. But it wasn’t her who broke our moment this time, it was me.
“B?” I asked. “Are you feelin’ any better?”
After a brief pause, she looked up at me and stared me straight in the eyes, a small smile on her face.
“Yeah. I really am.” She said softly, laying her head back on my chest. My body hummed at the contact, and I wasn’t about to complain that my butt was asleep and that the dampness from the grass had seeped into the length of my jeans. I had B and I had warm fuzzies . . . what more could I ask for?
In a repeat of the night before, we finally got up and I walked her back to her house. She hugged me at the door again before disappearing inside her house.
I stood there grinnin’ like an idiot before I finally started to make my way back to the motel. I felt somethin’ strange as I was walkin’ away, so I turned around to see what it was. When I glanced up towards B’s bedroom, I saw her starin’ down at me. She smiled when I made eye contact with her and gave me a tiny wave. I smiled and waved back, then continued walking backward down the street until she finally faded out of view.
And that, my friends, is how the whole thing started.
What ‘thing’ you ask? Well, I’m getting’ to that. The story is far from over. We haven’t even got to the good stuff yet.
But it all started with two Slayers and a special bond that brought them closer to one another than either one of them could have imagined.
Neither one of us knew what lay ahead in our future, but now we knew that at least we had one another to fall back on, whether for comfort or . . . something more.
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