Something Gay

Written: August 9, 2010

Rating: R

Pairing: Cordelia/Anya

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, nor do I make any money from writing about them.

Timeline: Takes place during the episode Something Blue in season Four.

Summary: Willow's 'Will Be Done' spell goes awry when Xander discusses his current and past relationships.

Notes: Written for the Anya Round at the Femslash Minis livejournal community.

Willow paced slowly around Xander's basement, doing her best to avoid bumping into his furniture as she ranted about broken hearts and Buffy's lack of thereness and all the things gone wrong in her life since Oz had left town. She was miserable, that much was apparent to Xander, so he just sat and listened and tried to offer her assurance any time she stopped moping to take a breath.

When she sighed and plopped down next to him on the edge of his bed, he saw it as his chance to jump in.

"Willow, I know it's hard to see it right now, but everything you're feeling is because of you and Oz. But eventually you'll meet somebody else, and it'll be better."

"Yeah, 'cause most relationships are great and trouble-free," she replied sarcastically. "I think we're all doomed for badness."

"I'm not saying relationships are free and easy, Wills. Nothing worth having ever is." He took a moment to collect his thoughts and then continued. "Anya is a blast; occasionally a bit strange and callous, but a blast nonetheless. We have a good time together, but that doesn't occasionally stop me from hoping for a full-out backyard bikini mud-wrestling match between her and Cordelia to see who wants me the most."

Willow scrunched up her face a little bit. "Not exactly following your slightly graphic thought train here, Xander."

He shook his head and chuckled nervously. "I'll be honest, I took a little detour in Inappropriate Bikini Mud-Wrestling Land and I can't exactly remember my point either."

And for the first time in what felt like days, Willow smiled . . . just a little. Xander smiled softly and continued.

"But I'd give anything to see you happy again, Wills. You just have to give it some time."

"A-and for what it's worth?" Willow began. "I think you're worth fighting over. If I could make your bikini mud-wrestling fantasy happen, I would."

A small blue spark crossed Willow's eyes at that moment and while it startled Xander at first, he couldn't fight the urge to pull her into a big hug. She hugged him back enthusiastically and they sat in silence, letting the power of positive friendship do whatever it could to heal Willow's hurting heart.

Cordelia was breathing hard, a sense of panic washing over her. Angel was playing hide-and-seek while she was busy avoiding a mob of demons. She called out for him twice in a harsh whisper and when she spun around, she found herself face to face with several of the demons. They looked at her passively as her eyes widened in surprise.

Thinking quick, she dug into her bag and pulled out a small aerosol canister.

"While this may look like a popular brand of breath freshener it's really a cunningly disguised demon repellent!"

When the demons failed to look convinced by her lying prowess, she shook the canister and began to spray it in front of them. They waved their hands about to clear the air and that was when the sniffing started.

"Wintergreen," one of them commented pleasantly.

Before Cordelia could take advantage of their distraction and run, she felt a weird sensation roll over her body. Sure that her head was about to explode due to funky demon juju, she closed her eyes and waited for a disgusting, squishy end.

When nearly a minute passed by and she felt too ridiculous to continue standing there blindly waiting for her doom, she opened her eyes and frowned when she found that the demons were gone. In fact, the entire building was gone and she was standing in some random yard in suburbia in her favorite red bikini . . . in a giant, horrible mud pit.

"Oh, perfect. Disgusting, squishy end. I knew it!" she said to herself.

"If this is the end, I can imagine several ways in which it could be more disgusting," came a voice from behind her.

Cordelia spun around, surprised to see a familiar face standing just a few feet away from her in a similar lime green bikini.

"Anya Emerson? What are you doing here?"

Xander and Willow continued to talk quietly on his bed when the basement door was suddenly thrown open and the shadow of his mother in her bath-robed glory stretched down the stairs.

"Alexander Lavelle Harris," she slurred, "would you mind 'splaining why my backyard is suddenly a giant mud pit and why your two tramps are standing out there half-naked?"

Xander's confusion slowly transformed to shock when he saw the slightly guilty and panicked look on his best friend's face.

"Oh Wills, what did you do?" he asked.

Willow quickly stood up from the bed and grabbed his hand, then began tugging him up the stairs.

"More hurry, less explainy. We have a bikini mud-wrestling match to stop!"

As Cordelia stared down an equally obstinate Anya, she noticed a blur of motion from the back of a nearby house. From the corner of her eye she saw a flash of red hair and heard rather than saw Xander being tugged roughly behind.

"Ow, ow, ow. My arm, Will. I'm gonna need that at some point in the future." When he followed her gaze to the bikini-clad girls in the middle of the giant mud-puddle, his eyes widened and he froze. "Maybe . . . maybe a lot sooner in the future than I thought."

"Xander!" all three women reprimanded at the same time.

"What?" he lamely defended, slapping away Willow's vise-like hand from his arm. "Teen-guy Fantasy Number Twelve in progress here. I can hardly be held accountable for my perviness!"

"Oh, I'll hold you accountable, all right," Cordelia said, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Hey, eyes off my man. You'll hold nothing of his!" Anya demanded. She reached out and pulled Cordelia's hair, a move that got her hands slapped away.

"Are you insane? I don't pay three hundred dollars for a quarterly keratin treatment just so that you can try to rip my hair out!" Cordelia yelled. She reached out and gave Anya's hair a good tug too, earning a glare that rivaled her own.

"Insane, yes," Anya replied calmly, then grew more intense. "Insane with rage! If you so much as lay one of your perfectly manicured fingers on my Xander, I'll . . ."

"Oh, as if. I have no intention of doing anything with your man, and that includes looking at his scrawny and underdeveloped body."

"Hey," Xander replied lamely. "This isn't how the fantasy goes. And what do you mean by underdeveloped?"

Completely ignoring Xander now, Anya's glare softened. She took a deep breath and shrugged her shoulders just a little bit. "You're right, he is scrawny for a man. Back in my day, the men were large and robust and the women were the ones who were slender and long. Much like you," Anya commented as her eyes roamed over Cordelia's body. "You're the perfect combination of slender and curvy. A perfect specimen of a beautiful woman."

Cordelia's entire demeanor changed over just a few seconds. The charming Cordelia Chase smile came out to play.

"I've been doing the Six Week Body Makeover. I'm on week four, but I'm seeing good changes."

"The results are spectacular," Anya replied, still looking over Cordelia's body. "Ordinary women would kill for a body like yours. I should know, I've granted their wishes."

Xander's shoulders slumped even lower. "This fantasy has gone rogue. Terribly, depressingly rogue. This isn't how it's supposed to go! There's supposed to be sexy wrestling and declarations of Xander-love. Will, whatever wonky magic you did, undo it."

He glanced over at Willow and had to do a double-take when he realized that her gaze was firmly fixed on the nearly-nude girls before them and that she looked positively entranced.

"I don't see anything wrong," she said dreamily.

"What's your secret skin regimen?" Cordelia asked, her fingertips grazing gently down Anya's arm and across her stomach. "Your skin is so smooth. Flawless, really. A cause for jealousy."

"It's an oatmeal-honey scrub," Anya replied. "I've used it for almost six hundred years now. Just spread it on and scrub it off. Goodbye unattractive dead skin cells."

They were staring into each other's eyes now, lips parted and breaths coming a bit harder and faster. The distance between them was closing, fast.

"What do you use on your lips to make them so shiny?" Anya asked.

"All natural lip-gloss," Cordelia replied as she moved in even closer. They were just a breath apart now. "Berry-Kiss."

Xander suddenly seemed to perk up.

"This is taking an interesting turn. A very . . . interesting turn. I don't know whose fantasy this is but . . . it's a good fantasy. Gooood fantasy."

"Yeah. Good fantasy," Willow replied blankly, her eyes still focused on Cordelia and Anya, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

When Cordelia's fingers skimmed over Anya's abdomen again and came to rest on her hip, it seemed to be the breaking point. Neither girl was sure who leaned in first - or exactly why it was happening in the first place, weren't they just arguing? - but they suddenly found themselves kissing softly, lips sliding and nipping playfully.

Cordelia sighed contentedly when she parted her lips and Anya's tongue gently caressed hers, growing bolder every second that passed. She placed her other hand on the other side of Anya's hip and pulled her closer until their bare stomachs and bikini-clad breasts were pressed together, soft and perfect.

Anya, not wanting to be outdone, placed her hands flat on Cordelia's sides and slowly slid them up until she felt her fingertips push underneath the sides of silky material. She slipped her thumbs between their warm, touching bodies and rubbed them over the material of Cordelia's bikini over her nipples. Cordelia's soft gasp only spurned her on and Anya started wondering exactly what other fun places her hands could explore.

"This just went from the worst day to the best day of my life," Xander said blankly, his gaze fixed in the increasingly gropey girls. "How do we make them . . .?"

"Xander!" Willow snapped, finally pulling her gaze away from the spectacle before them. "This has gone far enough. We have to stop them. I need to reverse the spell."

"Spell? Reverse? That's a horrible idea!" Xander said frantically. "We need to let this play out." He continued to watch when he suddenly realized something. It made him tilt his head to the side and eventually look over at Willow. "So this is a spell. And if you cast it, then this has to be your fantasy!"

Willow looked bashful yet defiant as she stared into his questioning eyes. They were at a standstill, neither one of them giving in. Finally, Xander grinned.

"We're definitely going to talk about this once the dirty, wonderful show is over."

"Well then I guess we'll be awkwardly conversing soon," she said, and ignored Xander's protests as she focused back on the girls, a look of pure determination - and maybe a little bit of appreciation - on her face. "Let the healing power begin. Let my will be safe again. As these words of peace are spoken, let this harmful spell be broken."

Thunder boomed and lightning flashed, making them shield their eyes. When everything was calm again, Willow and Xander looked over to Cordelia and Anya once more.

Cordelia took a deep breath and her eyelids fluttered. She was instantly aware that her lips were moving and that . . . yep, there was kissing going on. Some really nice, soft kissing. While she was more than happy to stay right where she was, the truth was that she actually had no idea where she might be. Placing one or two last kisses on the soft lips before her, she pulled back and slowly opened her eyes.

She wasn't the only one who looked confused.

Anya was staring back at her, unmoving, eyebrows furrowed but seemingly unable to frown. In fact, Cordelia found that she couldn't frown either. She had no idea how she got there or why exactly Xander and Willow were standing off to the side watching them. She had no idea why she was wearing a bikini or why she'd been kissing another girl.

But she did know that it didn't suck.

"You were kissing me," Anya said evenly.

Cordelia fought the urge to scoff and instead just raised her eyebrows. "I'm pretty sure you were the initiator of any inappropriate kissing."

Anya thought about it for a moment and shrugged. "Well I wouldn't put it past myself. I am a great kisser, and you are attractive."

And once again, Cordelia didn't quite understand what was going on or why she was smiling, but she definitely was.

"I know," she replied. She tried to hide her smile but it just wouldn't go away. God, what was going on with her?

"I have an apartment," Anya suddenly blurted. That statement hung awkwardly in the air for a few moments and Anya bit on her bottom lip, waiting. For what though, she wasn't sure. "It's very nice."

Cordelia looked into Anya's eyes, then down at her feet. At her muddy, bare feet.

"Does that apartment have a shower?"

"Yes," Anya nodded. "And the oatmeal-honey scrub I told you about. I can show you how I use it."

Cordelia grinned, her eyebrows shooting up just a little bit higher. And really, what did she have to lose? She could always go back to LA completely unscathed . . . tomorrow.

"Then what are we waiting for?"

She held out her arm and Anya began to lead them out of the mud pit and across the dark back yard. By them time they got to the neighbor's property, they were walking a bit more quickly, eager to get to their destination and see where the evening led.

Back near the mud pit, Willow and Xander looked on with their mouths open and eyes wide.

"I think your fantasy just made my girlfriend and ex-girlfriend gay," Xander said.

Willow swallowed, a small smile creeping up on her lips.

"For what it's worth, I think it made me a little bit gay too."

The End

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