Title: All I Can Wish For
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine and I make no money off this.
Summary: Faith has nothing left.
Slaying is supposed to be a solo activity, one of the loneliest jobs around. The only person around is just a stuffy British guy and if it were up to me I'd rather be alone. Watchers tend to cramp my style. With the exception of Giles I really didn't give a damn about the whole bunch.
But that's another story . . .
Sure I've seen watchers die, including the first one I had. That one tore me up 'cause I felt I could've prevented it. It still hurts now but I've learned to live with it. Her death has kinda blended together with all the others.
Well, most of the others.
Some of 'em stick out. Whenever we've lost someone in a battle with a bid bad, those are always memorable. The battle with the First when all of us helped make Sunnydale nothing but a big crater was huge. We lost a lot of good slayers in that one and those don't blend in.
None of those haunt me now though. They only give me reason to fight. The ones that haunt are the ones that cut a hell of a lot deeper. Those people are the ones who've dared to get close to me. The ones I've actually let in.
Ones like Buffy.
Most people thought I hated her from the first day I met her but most people are stupid. At most I was a little envious of what she had or as I saw it, what she took for granted. I mean, she had a whole support system and I grew up with nothing. Since she acted like it was nothing I thought it meant she didn't know what she had.
I know now that I was wrong and she told me as much. Later on we would be able to talk about jokingly about things like that.
Also another story . . .
Even though I've been around a lot of death the one thing I never forget, no matter who it is, is when the light goes out in someone's eyes. When I'm the last person someone sees when they die. Those eyes I see when I close my own at night. They're the reason I struggle to sleep.
I guess that's part of the job description of being a slayer, having to carry around the baggage of knowing there have times where I failed. It's weird but I never dream about the times I was successful, the times I saved and got the girl or the times I saved an old lady or a little kid from being someone's dinner. My failures are always the ones that come to the surface.
Maybe that's what makes me a stronger slayer but I wish it wasn't there all the time. Sometimes it threatens to drive me a little insane and no one wants that to happen. I think the only thing that stops it sometimes is when I think of the better times, the ones with Buffy.
It took years for us to get it together and I wish now that it hadn't taken so long. B always said it needed to be that way but I see it now as robbing me of time. I didn't have enough time.
Never enough time . . .
If I remember right, it was about two years of us doing our own things before I joined team Buffy and for awhile took more orders than making any decisions. I probably would've put up more of a fight but honestly, I was tired. The two years after Sunnydale were hard and I really needed a break.
Maybe we started to come to an understanding because I was so willing to let her take the lead. After a couple months she began to ask my input on whatever needed to be done with the training and slaying. She told me later it was that my silence put her on edge and she wanted to know what I was thinking. She didn't know what to do with the new me.
B started to hang around me more after about a year into me being one of the team. Actually, I think her words were, "you need to hang out with the rest of us. Your loner qualities freak me out." That made me laugh and it made me realize that I wasn't just being tolerated. I was supposed to be one of the gang.
Slowly, very slowly, I started to hang out with everyone. First, it was all group stuff: movie nights, game nights or the occasional celebration after a successful battle. Then it started to be just with B, so slowly that it didn't even shock me when I realized I was only hanging out with her.
First, it was morning runs since we were the only two who could keep up with the other. Then it was eating lunch together and after that getting a drink after patrol. When we talked it was only about the other slayers and training and if there was a threat we had to deal with. Then that slowly changed, too.
For the first time in all the years we'd known each other she started asking me questions and for the first time I felt like answering them. B let me ask her whatever I wanted as well and that made me see that she really wanted to try with me. It was an amazing feeling. I'd always wanted a friendship with B so I was thrilled.
That went on for about a year until I felt I probably knew all there was to know about Buffy Summers. I think she knew everything about me, too, and it surprised me how okay I was with that. It had always felt like a weakness to have someone else know about all your faults, something that they might use against you later. I trusted B not to do that though and that meant everything. She never betrayed that trust either.
She surprised me one day though even when I thought I knew everything. It was one night on patrol when I had taken out a monster of a demon. We high fived each other and then she pulled me a little closer and kissed me.
That's right. Buffy was the one that made the first move.
You better believe I kissed her back, too, and with everything I had. The only thing I hadn't told B was that I was crushing on her and I guess that was the only thing she hadn't told me either. I guess it showed we were more alike than we thought.
Three days later we had a night that has been burned into my brain but in the best way possible. We'd had a couple hot as hell make out sessions and the others were starting to get the hint we were becoming more than just friends. We hadn't had time for anything more than that though. Not until that night.
We patrolled for a couple hours in a group but then we let everyone else go home and patrolled together. It was something we both enjoyed: having some friendly banter while taking out the bad guys. It's harder to do in a group and I've only ever enjoyed doing it with B.
Once we decided we had enough of patrol we went back and ended up hanging out in my room with a six pack and watched TV. Soon we were all over each other and even though I thought she'd stop and claim it was too soon she didn't. She didn't want to stop.
It ended up being the best night of my life.
We had the most intense, hottest sex that night. It was all night, too. We weren't finished with each other until the sun began to come up. Only then did we collapse against each other with B snuggling into my arms. She felt so amazing against me as her body moved against mine. I can still feel it when I close my eyes.
The next few days were busy and we didn't get much time together. We tried for some alone time but there just wasn't enough of it. There was so much to do and needy slayers to help.
When we finally got a night to ourselves it was a patrolling night and a wild one. Even though we had other teams out patrolling, too, there were still vamps everywhere. I think they were going for strength in numbers and it definitely worked.
With devastating results.
I always think B has a target on her back whenever we patrol 'cause she's The Slayer, you know? I actually try to think part of my job is to get her back along with staking vamps. I know she never thought that but it's true. I have proof.
We were jumped and in the end I had broken ribs and a broken finger. When I look for B though I found her lying on the ground and I felt my whole world start to collapse.
B looked at me and I knew she knew she was dying. She'd been stabbed in the side and there was blood everywhere. I started to pick her up and make a run for it, try and get help or something, but she stopped me. Maybe she knew it wouldn't help.
She gripped my arms tightly and told me she wished we had more time. My walls, my toughness, all broke down then and I felt myself start to cry. I told her what we had was everything to me and pleaded for her not to leave me. I didn't know how I'd go on without her.
I kissed her lips and then her forehead. We looked into each other's eyes then and that's when I saw it. The light left her eyes.
No one blamed me for her death but I blamed myself enough for everyone. It felt anything that was good in me left when she did. It felt like I had nothing left.
I cried for days and tried my best to drink the pain away. I couldn't bring myself to patrol 'cause I couldn't get sober enough. The pain was too great and as soon as I felt sobriety coming on I drank a bottle of whatever was near me. It was the only way I could get by.
I think I was supposed to take over for B, be the leader or something, but I couldn't. I'm not cut out for that and everything reminded me of her. It reminded me that I was robbed of being happy. I was robbed of maybe, just maybe getting a chance to show someone I'm worth something and proving that for the rest of my life.
Only about three weeks went by before I went out on my own and that's all I do now. I only stay in a city for a few days at a time because I feel like everything will catch up with me. I have to keep moving so I find a cheap motel, do a few odd jobs for some cash to get by, check out if there's a vamp or demon issue and then move on when I've staked or killed as many as I could.
Is it the worst life I could have right now? Probably but my heart hurts too much to care. Every night I see those eyes looking at me. I see how much she cared for me and then it's all gone. My chance to be happy is gone.
I do talk to the others from time to time. They try to get me to come back but I'm in no position to lead. B was the leader, not me. From what I hear they're starting to do okay though. They've got a trio of slayers, one of them Kennedy, that are trying to lead all the slayers as best they can. Since the world hasn't ended or anything I guess they've been successful so far.
That just leaves me, traveling from city to city with my memories and everything that haunts me. I try my best to not get completely wasted every night, to not drink myself to death, but most times it's the only thing to numb the pain of losing her.
Sometimes I try to only think of our one incredible night together to get the pain to go away and sometimes that works. I concentrate on her skin on mine, on how she said how much she wanted me and how good I was making her feel, and it gets me to sleep without passing out. Then my dreams turn from the sex to her eyes and I wake up sweating and crying.
People tell me the pain of losing someone will lessen over time and I hope to God they're right 'cause I'm not sure how long I can do this. I mean, travel and the slaying aren't bad but running from my demons is taking its toll on me.
When B and I were in our asking questions phase she told me all about heaven, how she thought that's where she was after she died. I hope to hell she was right and she's there right now. With all the good she did she deserves it.
The only other thing I wish is that I can see her again when something finally takes me out of my misery here. I hope the powers that be think I've worthy enough to be with her in the end.
It's all I can wish for now.
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