Prompt #32: Elevator

Poorly Named

"Andrew. The name alone invokes annoyance and revulsion in the hearts of damn near everyone, everywhere," Faith says in her mock narrator voice, chuckling and clutching her side as Buffy elbows her in the ribs.

"Be nice!" Buffy scolds, her voice barely a whisper.

That's the thing about Buffy. She's kind and respectful and just all-around good. She obviously cares about the other people walking alongside them in the tour group.

Faith, on the other hand, doesn't. And she doubly doesn't care that Andrew is amongst those tour go-ers. In fact, it's entirely his fault that she's acting out. Really, what kind of person in his right mind chooses not Cedar Point or the water park or the go-kart track or the Indians game as the group weekend event, but instead picks a tour of a 19th century mansion in the middle of Nowhere, Ohio?

Andrew, that's who.

And Faith is not amused.

She is beyond un-amused.

Xander got out of tagging along by faking a case of explosive diarrhea. She only wishes she'd been so smart to think that one up. Instead here she is, walking through a run down money pit that smells vaguely of varnish and urine.

Hence her acting out.

Andrew's doing his best to ignore her. To be fair, most of the tour group - comprised mostly of senior citizens - is too busy listening to the tour guide to even notice Faith's ranting. The entire Scooby gang - sans Xander - is listening though, and they can barely contain their laughter. Willow laughed so hard at one point she got a bad case of the hiccups and sent a coat rack tumbling to the floor with a wonky expulsion of magic.

Honestly, it was the highlight of the day, as far as Faith is concerned.

When the tour guide allows everyone to branch off on their own, the Scooby gang heads off in the complete opposite direction from the general crowd, eager to put some distance between the group and Faith. They end up in an old-fashioned industrial-sized kitchen which was probably impressive in the 1890's but now looks like it could use a bulldozer or a lit match, at least according to Faith.

Andrew takes time admiring the carpentry work and damn near everything else that crosses his path. Faith does her best to reign in her commentary - they're probably nearing the ending point of the visit - but she can't help but start up again when she sees a small box cut out in the wall near one of the countertops. She turns her head this way and that, trying to figure out exactly what it is.

"The hell is that?" Faith asks, pointing.

Andrew follows her gaze and answers easily, "It's a dumbwaiter."

"A whatnow?" Faith asks incredulously.

"A dumbwaiter," he repeats. "They're industrial elevators, used to carry items instead of people. It was probably used to send meals upstairs to the formal dining hall during large events."

"Yeah, but why's it got such a shitty name?"

Andrew doesn't bother to reply because, well, he knows he has lost at this point. Faith had been calming down but this is surely going to inspire another rant.

"I mean, really," Faith begins and a quiet groan settles over the group. "You got the dumbwaiter, the Lazy Susan; what kind of sociopath named these things?"

"What kind of sociopath obsesses over them?" Kennedy asks under her breath.

She's probably lucky that Faith is mid-tirade and doesn't hear her comment or she'd very likely find herself stuffed in said dumbwaiter.

"Like hey, what's that?" Faith asks, pointing across the room. "Ah, that's the elusive Shitbird Stove. You'll have to wash your dishes in the Assbag Sink when you're done. Store your leftovers in the Dickhair Refrigerator."

"Ladies and gentleman, my girlfriend," Buffy says, shaking her head in amusement. She walks past Faith and gives her a playful smack on the ass. "Such eloquence."

"I'm just sayin'," Faith finishes with a shrug. She puts her hands in her back pockets and follows Buffy out of the room, leaving the rest of the gang behind.

Willow is still giggling as her and Kennedy follow suit, leaving Dawn and Giles behind with a sullen Andrew.

"Perhaps next time your choice comes up, you should simply, erm, pass," Giles suggests unhelpfully.

Andrew sulks even more. But hey, he can play Faith's game if that's what it takes. In fact, he's come up with a pretty good name for something too: Faith is definitely a dumbslayer!

He smiles proudly to himself. Most accurate name ever.

Leave Feedback || Next --->

Back to Joss100 Table

Home ||| Buffy Fics ||| Non-Buffy Fics ||| Other Authors ||| Site Updates ||| Update Alerts