Well I'm finally writing these letters. Maybe Angel will back of and bring me those comics I've been asking for now. For six months I've thought about what I wanted to say to everyone in these letters. Now it's finally time to get down to the nitty gritty.
So what else was I doing in that time? Well, hold onto your pants, cowboy. Miss Faith Lehane finally decided to get her high school diploma. I figured that if I wanted to write these letters, at least they could look and sound kinda professional. I'm not stupid, ya know? I just never took the time to learn while I was in school, mostly cos I was too busy skipping classes.
So where do I start? Giles seems like as good a place as any. But what exactly do you say to a guy who took you under his wing when he didn't have to? Who put up with your crap and deviant behavior? Who you disappointed to the max by playing one side against the other?
Well, his letter is pretty much right to the point. Basically: "I'm sorry that I couldn't see that you were there for me. I'm sorry that I pushed you away when you tried to help. I'm sorry that I was selfish. I'm sorry that I hurt Buffy; I know how much she means to you. Most importantly, I'm sorry that I let you down."
I really don't know how Giles is gonna react. I think that he might be easier to convince than the others. He knows that I had a rough sitch before SunnyD; that my parents were fucked up, that my first Watcher died in front of me and I couldn't stop it, that I've been running from my problems for as long as I can remember.
I think the one thing that he's really gonna dwell on is the fact that I hurt Buffy so bad. She's more than just a Slayer to him. She's a woman, a friend, a warrior, but most importantly, a daughter. Or at least the closest thing to a daughter that he's ever had.
And me? I tried to fuck that all up; I tried to take that away from him.
I won't be surprised if he crumbles up that letter and wipes his ass with it.
...nah. Dude's English. He's more refined than that. Or at least I hope he is. That could lead to some awkward papercuts.
Moving on . . .
I wrote a short letter to Mrs. S, thanking her for being hospitable to me when I first arrived. Hell, she was pretty much hospitable to me the whole time, even when I was keeping her hostage. She always kinda looked at me with a small glimmer in her eyes, like she could see past my exterior and into the real me.
Almost like a Mother looks into her own child. Not that I'd know anything about that. My own Ma would never look at me. Just reminded her of how bad she'd screwed up I guess.
I also apologized for betraying her trust, for holding her against her own will, for trashing her place, for hurting and being a bad influence on her daughter, and for using her lipstick without permission. Sure, I know that the last one seems trivial, but I want her to know that I remember these things. After all, if someone used my hot-as-hell lipstick, I'd hold a grudge, too.
Next on my list was Xander and Willow. I wrote their letters on the same day, seeing as that they both were kind of the same in content. "Sorry that I betrayed your trust, that I ignored that fact that you tried to include me in your little gang, that I tried to take Buffy away from you," blah blah blah.
I did put something personal in both of their letters though.
For Red, I told her that it was never my intention to replace her as B's best friend; that I knew I could never fill her shoes, and that I know how much Buffy loves and appreciates her. Even though Red was uncomfortable with me, she was never completely rude to me. I guess I kinda egged her on.
Oh, come on! It was fun watching her get all wiggy.
For Xan-man, I apologized for using him and discarding him. Hell, I'm sure that he didn't mind the sex part. After all, I'm a firecracker in the sack. But he didn't deserve to be tossed aside after the fact, and definitely didn't deserve the near repeat performance when I got a little . . . well, choke-happy.
I made sure to let him know that he'd make some girl really happy one day, and not just for seven minutes like I later taunted him about.
After I sent the letters to Giles, Mrs. S, Red, and Xan, I sat back and thought about what they might think when they receive them. I totally understand that they're gonna be pissed at first. After all, I hurt them so bad and now I'm sending them a letter? It can't make up for what I have done, I know that. But maybe it can open the doors for some sort of understanding or forgiveness in the future.
I have about twenty-five years or so to work on them, ya know?
I can't help but feel a little guilty for not sending a letter to Buffy right away, but I'm not exactly sure yet what I wanna say to her. If I write her now, I know that I'll forget to say something, or I'll think of something better to say after I send it out.
I guess I'll wait on it for just a while longer. Like I said, nothing but time, right?
I tuck my notebook and pen away under my cot and I recline back for awhile. I don't really mind that my cot is wicked uncomfortable. Not only do I not deserve anything better, but it kinda distracts me from actually sleeping.
I know what you're thinking: Distraction from sleep is normally a bad thing, right?
Well, not for me. See, it seems like almost every time I sleep, I'm totally bowled over by nightmares, dreams, and flashbacks from my past. The flashbacks and nightmares I can deal with. Part of the redemption process, I guess. I've gotta see and deal with my wicked past as Angel puts it.
What I can't handle is the brain-splitting headaches, the tremors, the ragged breathing, and the messed-up heartbeat that I get when I wake up from them. Yeah, it sucks big time. Someone or something definitely doesn't want me to forget all the things that I've done.
But I guess that I deserve whatever I've got coming to me, right?
So, I try to avoid sleeping when I don't have to. No afternoon naps, no going to bed early, etc. But the lack of sleep eventually catches up. After a while, I kinda just get overwhelmed by the pure exhaustion, and I drift off into the abyss.
Here I am now, laying on my uncomfortable cot, just thinking about Buffy and what I want to say to her. I close my eyes just for a moment, playing back memories of our better times in my head.
I'm mentally exhausted, and I don't even realize it as I slowly drift off to sleep.
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