Goku flew up to Kami's Lookout. He hadn't been there in quite a while. He hadn't been looking up for a terribly long time. Eyes forever planted on the ground before him as he wandered the world. ChiChi was pregnant with Gohan and in her delicate condition she had ostracized him, driven him to this. Outside. Alone. Wandering. At first he thought it was fun, but then his mind started turning against him, wondering what she was doing there all by herself. Wondering if she still loved him. Wondering if anyone cared. But he never bothered to talk to anyone about his problems, he knew he could take care of himself.
Father, forgive me for I know not what I do
He began to think everyone would be better off without him. But it wasn't really a conscious thought, it was buried deep within. He started taking stupid chances like going to the tip of the highest tree during thunderstorms. He would fall asleep while flying. When he went skiing and an avalanche started, he let it bury him till he was just too bored to stay there any longer.
I tried everything, but I'll leave it up to you
But if you had asked him at the time, he'd have denied his sickness. He would have said that he was just having fun, living on the edge, nothing to worry about.
I don't want to live, I don't know why
It didn't take him long to tour the planet, even though he had walked most of the time. He had gone to every continent, visited every island, climbed the highest mountains and jumped off, swum as deep as he could in the oceans. He had beaten cheetahs in foot races, wrestled dinosaurs to the ground. He played and played as much as he could, but found himself constantly bored. Nothing pleased him. Nothing at all.
I don't have no reasons, I just want to die
He had then reluctantly returned to Japan. He had been drag racing people, wrecking tons of 'borrowed' cars because he didn't know how to drive. He had picked a fight with an army of sumo wrestlers, picked another fight with the Kiss army, the Suicidal army, had a go with the Spooky kids, a faction of the Hell's angels who were on vacation together, he had even beaten up some protestors at a Marilyn Manson concert that had followed the band around even after they'd left the states. In short, he had been acting nothing like himself, he was fighting anyone and everyone with no reasoning behind any of it. Though some brain cells were active, he had watched the concerts.
I'm a suicidal failure, I've got to get some help
He finally went back home, but ChiChi wouldn't let him in. He'd had to force his entry. He was shocked at how round her belly had become in his absence. Even more shocked at the viciousness of her tongue and the coldness in her eyes. He asserted his dominance by sitting in his favorite chair and not budging despite the many ways she tried to remove him from his perch. She finally relented and went back to her normal state of being before she had become pregnant. She fed him and fucked him like a loving wife should; but it was too late, the light was gone from his eyes.
I have suicidal tendencies, but I can't kill myself
All he could think about was ways to kill himself. And he tried any and everything his distraught mind could conjure up. But he was too strong, nothing fazed him. He couldn't just power up and off himself like a star going supernova. That wouldn't leave a trace. He subconsciously wanted people to know he was dead. At first he wouldn't have cared if they knew about his demise, but he had seen them get along fine without him, the country was still here, everyone was alive and well. He wouldn't be surprised to know that no one had noticed he was gone.
I'm tired of this way of life, my patience has expired
He was used to being blissfully unaware of things. Like how much his wife despised him. But now he was seeing things clearer. Much clearer. Too much clearer.
I'm barely just nineteen, but my life I will retire
They didn't need him. They had never needed him. The world would be fine without him. And if not, if he was wrong...what of it? Should he care that they died when they couldn't care less if he did? He thought not.
I went down to a rifle store, I bought myself a gun
His mind started thinking more along the lines of its nature, it began to picture him killing his friends, decapitating them, crushing them, their blood on his hands, their blood on his face. Eating them, their weak bones easily devoured. Their planet destroyed by his hand.
I pointed it at my head, but I couldn't get the job done
To stop his dreams of mass destruction, he took ChiChi's sleeping pills, the whole bottle. He woke up three days later, the daydreams didn't return. And ChiChi was gone. She left a note saying she had gone to Bulma's place because his constant snoring made it impossible to stay at the house. He understood, she wanted to get away while she had the chance. She had seen the look in his eyes before he took those pills.
I took all my wife's sleeping pills
That day he went all over the house retrieving his porn from the various hiding places they were in. He used his puzzlebox to get the grisly mags he'd let Pinhead borrow a few years back, he pulled up the floorboards under his bed to get the tamer pieces, yanked out the wall at the top of his closet to get the bestial ones. When he had twelve stacks from floor to ceiling, he decided he must have them all and stopped the search.
I jumped off a freeway bridge
He drug a large box from his closet, emptied it and filled it with his magazines. He then found some old wrapping paper and decorated the box with it. Krillin's birthday was in a few days and since he wasn't going to use these anymore, he felt his friend might enjoy them. He didn't harbor any ill feelings towards his wife or his friends, that had passed. He wrote a note to Krillin, an ecstatic letter about the day of his birth and how the things inside the box would remind him of it. He signed the note and hoped it would get to his friend on time.
I drank three kinds of poison
For Tien, he set aside all his Tool cds. Every time he had heard Maynard sing: prying open my third eye, he had always thought of the tryclops.
And drove a car off a ridge
For Chaotzu, he set aside his face paint. The stuff he used when he went to Kiss concerts as the demon.
I beat myself with a bat
To Yamcha, he gave the platform shoes, the spikes, the chains, the leather, the wings and everything else that went into the demon because he knew Yamcha used hypoallergenic facepaint. And though Yamcha usually went as the starchild, he thought he might want to try the demon one day. He also thought Bulma would appreciate it if he did.
Put a noose around my head
To Yajirobe he gave his video camera and wrote a note asking him to document one of his adventures with it as it had ocurred to him that no one ever witnessed any of them.
I overdosed on heroin
To Bulma, he gave the rest of his cd collection, his action figure collection, and a dragon ball that he asked her to give to his son when she felt he was old enough. He suspected ChiChi would've thrown it all away. He wanted to give her something more, something with more heartfelt meaning behind it, but he couldn't think of anything appropriate.
But I'm still not dead
To his dearly beloved wife, he gave the house, the land and his permission to do with it as she pleased and gave her his blessing on remarriage if she wished it.
Death may not be the answer, it can't be all that great
When he had everything straightened out to his satisfaction, he flew up to see Kami. He related his past few months to a being that was generally suspected to already know such details about a person's life. But like the religious, Goku always felt better after he talked to Kami.
But me, I'm not into living, with life I can't relate
Kami inquired about the boy. The one Goku would never see if he got his wish to die. But Goku already had an answer for him. He knew his wife would be happier if he wasn't there to foul up the child's mind with constant training and fighting. The everpresent threat of death looming over the household because he chose to risk his life for other people. She would undoubtedly remarry, probably to a man whose ass she could easily kick and who would let her dictate the terms of the boy's upbringing.
By some masochistic reasoning, I think that it will be fun
Kami saw that he had it all figured out and with his foresight into every possible future, he saw that Goku's prophecy was correct. ChiChi did remarry, but Gohan killed the man when he reached puberty. The boy ended up destroying the planet alongside Vegeta who adopted him as his own. Together they escaped Freeza and became immortal super saiyans. They usurped the tyrants's empire and together they ruled with a more vicious iron fist.
I want to start my second life now,
But Kami had to take into account this man's past. This man's service to a planet that he didn't belong to. For all the times he had saved earth, Kami granted him a wish that was certain to help destroy it. Yin and Yang. Evil within the good, good within the evil.
So shoot me with your gun
Kami shot a massive hole through Goku's chest, instantly killing him. Then he told Goku's wife and friends, explaining the depression the saiyan had gone through and how it was a man's right to ask God for help. And as God, he was willing to help a poor soul out.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one. Suicidal Failure is a song by Suicidal Tendencies. Kiss, Marilyn Manson, Tool, starchild, demon, they're all bands and personas w/i bands. The Kiss army, the Suicidal army and the Spooky Kids are all fan associations. I don't own any of them, nor do I own the Hell's Angels.
