Part 13
Kevin sat in his office, the only place he could escape from everyone still hanging out. It was quiet and looked out over the pasture; a view that Tyler had always loved. He had poured himself a glass of bourbon and was staring at the letter on his desk as he sipped the brown liquid.
There was a knock at the door and then Howie stuck his head in. "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah, it's just been a long day and I needed to be alone for a few minutes."
"Scott and Jerald seem to be doing really well," commented Howie as he took a seat across the desk from Kevin.
Kevin smiled softly, "They see Tyler…like Taylor. Scott told me when he got home today that he felt Tyler's hands on his shoulders before he read his essay."
"What about you? You were in a better mood this morning. Are you seeing Tyler?"
Shaking his head, Kevin said, "Sorta. I had a dream last night…about the first time we made love. As I woke, I felt her kisses on my back and the warmth of her body next to mine. When I rolled over, her night shirt was on her pillow…just like all the other times we made love."
Howie acknowledged Kevin by saying, "That's a good memory. Are you thinking about that?"
"No, honestly, I'm sitting here trying to decide if I want to read this letter Reverend Thomas brought me last night," and he held the letter up for Howie to see.
Howie recognized the letter. "I used to keep it, before you got married. She wrote it while Lou was holding her. I guess she was scared of never being free. So, you haven't read it yet?"
"No, not yet."
"Want me to leave so you can read it?"
"If you don't mind?"
"Not at all." Howie rose to leave but looked back. "Kevin, you'll never truly get over the loss, but it will get easier. Don't let your grief drown you."
"Thanks, 'D'. It's not as oppressive as it was the day we buried her. I guess I do feel her presence."
With the door closed, Kevin looked at the envelope in his hand, at Tyler's handwriting. "'Tadpole', did you know you would die so young?"
When Kevin opened the envelope, he pulled out the letter and began to read.
My 'Boo'...I can see you sitting at your desk, staring at my picture, a glass of bourbon close by, and alone…not wanting anyone to see that you do have weak moments. You save that for me…your safest place to hide. Wipe your tears, 'Boo'. You were always MY safest place to hide too.
Kevin chuckled as he wiped his tears. She knew him too well.
This is the second time I have written this letter. The first was when Lou kidnapped me and I thought I'd never have you by my side. I was so scared of losing you then. I gave the letter to 'D' to give to you but thankfully, you figured out a way to save me.
"I'd have killed Lou to save you," whispered Kevin. "And Joey too."
I'm still scared of losing you, Kevin, of losing the life we dreamed of building together. I'm scared of never growing old with you but the thing that scares me the most is having to live my life without you. So, if you're reading this, it means I didn't have to live a day without your love and for that I'm truly sorry because now, You have to endure what I was afraid to do.
"Oh, baby! I wish you had told me. I would have taken that fear from you."
I pray that you will know I loved you so completely. You were my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my husband…the father of our children. I'll always be with you, Kevin…in this house, in the gardens (that you fought me to build), at the chapel, in our children., and in your heart. Don't grieve too long…remember all the fun we had dancing together, raising our children, riding the trails, skiing in Colorado; remember the arguments we had and the fun we had making up; the love we shared.
I want you to find love again, Kevin. There is someone out there who will love you…not the way I did but in her own way. She'll be able to handle your thunder cloud moments too. No one will ever replace me but there is someone who can be there for you and the children. You'll know when it's right.
"It's going to be a while, 'Ty'....I just….I can't imagine anyone else that I could love, even remotely close to the way I love you," sniffled Kevin wiping his eyes once more.
When our children tell you they can see me, don't doubt them. I have always been able to see my parents, feel their touches, hear their words of love. I know you wonder how you can too. You have to have faith in our love, Kevin.
You're probably reading this at night so tomorrow morning, before the sun comes up, ride to the chapel, sit at the altar ... .the one that I pledged my love forever for you…close your eyes, and tell me you love me, the way you did the day we got married. When you open them, I'll be there. Forever your 'Tadpole'
Kevin closed his eyes and wiped the tears that were streaming down his cheeks. "I do have faith in our love, Tyler," he said to the picture on his desk.
Putting the letter in the envelope, he got up and headed to find Howie. He didn't have to go far; the younger man was waiting in the living room.
"I have a favor to ask, 'D'."
"I'll take care of the boys and Taylor in the morning until you get back from your ride," smiled Howie.
"How did you know?"
"I know you ... .and I know Tyler. She probably asked you to ride up to the chapel."
Kevin smiled, "Yeah, she did. Thanks, 'D'."
"Any time. I'm always here for you and the kids."
"It means a lot to us..ALL of us."
With that, Kevin headed up to his room to get some sleep…if he could. Thoughts of Tyler raced through his mind.
